NASBY     IN     THE     CABINET.      Frontispiece. 


EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY, 


BY 


PETROLEUM   V.  NASBY, 

P.  M.   AT  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS  (WICH  IS  IN  THE   STATE   UV   KEN 
TUCKY),  AND    PEKFESSRR    UV    BIBLIKLE    POLITY    IN    THE 
SOUTHERN  MILITARY  AND  CLASSIKLE  LNSTITOOT. 


BKIN 


A  PERFECT  RECORD  UV  THE  UPS,  DOWNS,  AND  EX 
PERIENCES  UV  THE  DIMOCRISY,  DOORIN  THE 
EVENTFUL  YEAR  1 867,  EZ  SEEN  BY 
A  NATURALIZED  KENTUCKIAN. 


Illustrated  by  Thomas  Nast. 


BOSTON: 
LEE    AND     SHEPARD. 

1868. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1867,  by 

LEE    AND    SHEPARD, 
In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  District  of  Massachusetts. 


STEREOTYPED    AT    THE 

BOSTON     STEREOTYPE    FOUNDRY, 

19  Spring  Lane. 


DEDICASHUN. 


Ez  no  one  who   is  worldly-wise  worships  the  settin  sun, 

but  alluz  the  risin  orb, 
THIS  BOOK  is  NOT  dedikated  to  Androo  Johnson, 

whose  sands  uv  life  is  neerly  run  out, 

And  who  cannot  remove  me  from  my  Post  Offis,  owin  to 
the  restrainin  power  uv  the  Tenur  uv  Offis  act, 

BUT    RUTHER    TO 

GEO.    E.   PENDLETON, 

of  Ohio; 

GENERAL   GEO.   B.   McCLELLAN, 
When  last  heerd  uv,  in  Dresden,  Germany; 

HORASHO    SEYMORE, 

uv  Noo  York;    or 

FRANKLIN  PEERSE, 
uv  Noo  Hampsheer : 

One  uv  wich    is    certin  of  succeedin  the   individjooel  fust 

named  upon  this  page,  and  uv  hevin,  therefore, 

the  disposin  uv  patronage,  in  case 

we  succeed  in  1868, 

THESE  PAGES  ARE  INSCRIBED, 


P.O. 

Stamp. 


With  sentimence  uv  profound  respeck, 


P.  O.  CONFEDERIT   X   EOADS 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
Dec.  1,  1867. 


BY  THE  AUTHOR. 


(3) 


989756 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

PREFIS,  OR   INTERDUCTRY   CHAPTER, 7 

1.  THE  AMNESTY  PROCLAMATION, 13 

2.  PROJECT  OF  A  COLLEGE, 2I 

3.  THE  PATRIARCHAL  SYSTEM, 29 

4.  MR.  NASBY  IN  NORTH  CAROLINA, 35 

5.  LAYING   THE    CORNER  STONE   OF  THE  COLLEGE 

EDIFICE, 42 

6.  HE  ESSAYS  A  SERMON, 49 

7.  HE  DOES  THE  CORNERS  A  SERVICE, 57 

8.  CASE  UNDER  THE  VAGRANT  ACT, 66 

9.  A  MCCRACKEN  MISSION, 73 

10.  SCHOOL  BOOKS  FOR  THE  SOUTH, 81 

11.  MR.  NASBY  DESIRES  CONFIRMATION,      ....    89 

12.  HE  TAKES  A  RETROSPECTIVE  VIEW, 98 

13.  THE  NEGRO  VOTE,    .     .  x Jo5 

14.  THE  CONNECTICUT  ELECTION, 113 

15.  THE  RUSSIAN  PURCHASE, 123 

16.  THE  RADICAL  CHANGE, J32 

(5) 


CONTENTS. 

PAGE 


17.     MR.  NASBY  PREACHES  A  SERMON  ON  UNIVERSAL 
BROTHERHOOD, 


140 


18.  DEATH  OF  ELDER  GAVITT, I49 

19.  JEFF  DAVIS  IN  RICHMOND, ^ 

20.  JEFF  DAVIS  AND  THE  "  INSTITOOT,"      .     .     .     .  166 

21.  A  VISION   OF   THE   NEXT   WORLD, ^5 

22.  A  TRIP  TO  RALEIGH, X34 

23.  THE  BOSTON  EXCURSION, ^ 

24.  A  DREAM, 20, 

25.  A  NATIONAL  CONVENTION, 213 

26.  AN  AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL  SKETCH, 221 

27.  THE  NEGRO  QUESTION, 230 

28.  A  CONSULTATION  AT  THE  CORNERS,     ....  238 

29.  THE   KENTUCKY  AND  TENNESSEE   ELECTION,     .  245 

30.  MR.  NASBY  VISITS  NEW  ORLEANS, 253 

31.  THE  AMNESTY  PROCLAMATION, "283" 

32.  THE  SUFFRAGE  QUESTION, 271 

33.  THE  ANTIETAM   DEDICATION, 281 

34.  THE  OHIO  ELECTION, 288 

35-  A  JOLLIFICATION  AT  THE  CORNERS, 299 

36.  A  MEETING  AT  THE  CORNERS, 3o8 

37.  THE   NOVEMBER  ELECTIONS, I6 


PREFIS, 

OR 

INTERDUCTRY    CHAPTER. 


SKOLARS,  and  men  wich  wuzn't  skolars, 
hev  deprekated  the  manufakter  uv  so  many 
books.  Whether  they  were  justified  or  not  in 
their  strikters,  it  doesn't  become  me  to  say. 
Probably  they  wood  say  to  me,  ef  I  should  con 
sult  em  (wich  I  shel  not),  "  Don't  publish  this 
book  ;  there's  reely  no  okkashun  for  it  ! " 
There  isn't?  Did  the  capchus  adviser  see  the 
state  uv  my  pants  ?  Did  he  observe  the  wreckt 
condishun  of  my  boots?  Is  he  aware  that  I 
am  in  arrears  for  board  ?  Not  publish  my  book  ! 
Kin  I  so  far  forget  my  dooty  to  humanity? 
Nary.  Its  publikashen  will  at  least  do  ONE 
suffrin  man  good,  and  that's  more  than  half  uv 
the  writers  kin  say.  What  recks  it  that  that 

(7) 


8  PREFIS,  OR 

one  is  ME?  Wat  posterity  will  say  I  don't 
know  ;  neither  do  I  care.  I  ain't  labrin  for  pos 
terity  ;  neither  did  my  father,  else  I  hed  bin 
better  off.  Posterity  may  assign  me  a  niche 
in  the  temple  uv  massive  intellex,  or  may  not ; 
it's  all  one  to  the  subscriber.  I  woodn't  give  a 
ten-cent  postal  currency  for  wat  the  next  gen- 
er ashen  will  do  for'  me.  It's  this  generashen 
I'm  goin  for.  So  much  for  Buckinham  ! 

When  I  last  communed  with  my  readers, 
Democrisy  wuz  about  the  most  bustid  institoo- 
shen  in  this  country.  Dimocrisy  hed  under 
took  to  carry  the  President,  and  it  broke  down 
under  the  load.  Then  the  President  undertook 
to  carry  the  Dimocrisy,  and  he  broke  down 
under  that  load.  Both  were  sootable  to  be  car 
ried,  but  neither  hed  the  strength  to  carry  the 
tother.  And  so,  doorin  the  winter,  spring,  and 
summer  they  lay,  both  at  the  bottom  uv  the 
ditch  uv  despondency,  lookin  helplessly  at  each 
other,  but  neither  able  to  help  his  fellow-suffrer. 
They  wood  hev  embraced,  but  they  hedn't 
strength  enuff  to  roll  together. 

The   Fall   elections   revived  us.      The  Ab- 


INTERDUCTRY  CHAPTER.  9 

lishnists  uv  Maine  didn't  vote,  wich  give  our 
people  in  Californy  strength ;  the  carryin  uv 
that  State  discouraged  em  in  Ohio  and  Pennsyl- 
vany,  wich,  follered  up,  give  us  the  overwhelm- 
in  triumph  in  Noo  York.  That  give  us  life ; 
that  infused  vigger  into  us.  It  operatid  like  a  in- 
vigorator  —  a  stiff  wun  —  does  onto  thj^  bowels 
uv  a  Kentuckian  whose  flask  is  out,  and  who 
hezn't  bin  neer  a  bar-room  for  thirty-six  hours. 
It  wuz  strengthenin. 

These  confliks  may  be  considered  the  skir- 
mishin  percedin  the  '  main  battle.  We  hev 
druv  in  their  outposts ;  shel  we  be  ez  successful 
when  we  storm  their  works  ?  Upon  the  anser 
to  that  conundrum  depends  much.  Ef  we  do, 
then  shel  the  Post  Offis  wich  I  now  hold  be 
mine  four  years  longer ;  then  shel  I  still  enjoy 
the  conjenial  society  uv  them  wich  long  assosi- 
ashen  with  hez  made  deer ;  then  for  four  years 
will  my  sustenance  be  ashoored.  That  will  do 
me.  I  probably  wont  eggsist  longer.  Within 
that  time  my  venerable  biler,  now  weakened  in 
spots,  will  hev  bustid,  and  I  shel  hev  gone  to 
join  Elder  Gavitt,  wherever  he  may  be. 


io  PREFIS,  OR 

We  kin  conker,  however,  and  we  must.  We 
hev  the  Ablishnists  onto  the  hip.  They  endorst 
the  nigger  in  1863  and  4,  and  the  people  stood 
it  becoz  they  needed  him.  It  didn't  become  the 
city,  wich  hed  filled  its  quota  with  nigger  troops, 
to  go  back  on  the  Ethiopian.  Neither  did  it 
look  wey.  for  the  Ablishnist,  who  praised  em  for 
ther  devoshun  at  Petersburg,  etcetra,  to  deny 
that  they  wuz  a  man  and  a  brother.  BUT  NOW 
THE  NIGGER  AIN'T  NEEDED.  Grim  war  hez 
smoothed  his  wrinkled  front,  and  we  are  ca- 
prin  gayly  in  my  lady's  chamber  to  the  lasciv 
ious  soundins  uv  the  loot.  Now,  the  servis  the 
nigger  rendered  us  fades  out  uv  our  remem 
brance,  wich  it  does  faster  than  his  color  did  in 
strikly  Democratic  States  under  the  old  arrange 
ment.  They  don't  want  him  any  more  ;  and, 
glory  !  he's  the  same  d — d  nigger  he  alluz  wuz. 
So  duz  the  wholesome  prejudis  agin  color  swal 
low  up  gratitood !  So  does  the  pride  uv  race 
smother  wat  the  thin-skind  uv  the  Radikels  call 
justis  ! 

It  is  onto  this  string  we  must  harp.  The 
Democrisy  hev  alluz  conkered  when  they  went 


INTERDUCTRY  CHAPTER.  n 

calmly  on  —  secoor  in  the  beleef  that  all  man 
kind  wuz  either  ninnies  or  raskels.  They  ain't 
fur  out  uv  the  way.  The  nigger  is  now  onfit 
for  citizenship  —  let  it  be  our  dooty  to  see  that 
he  continues  onfit.  Shood  he  rise  to  an  intel- 
lektooal  level  with  us,  we  are  out  uv  an  argu 
ment  agin.  The  law  agin  schoolin  uv  em 
must  be  enforced ;  the  laws  regulatin  their  la 
bor  must  be  made  ez  stringent  ez  ever ;  for  ef 
they  are  allowed  to  go  unregulated,  the  Ab- 
lishnists  will  say  to-wunst  that  sich  ain't  nessary. 
We  must  keep  a  worritin,  and  pokin,  and 
punchin  this  lion,  that  his  roarin  may  show  the 
necessity  uv  our  bein  kep  in*  power  to  restrain 
him. 

I  bleeve  in  commencin  early.  Let  outrages 
by  niggers  be  commenst  to-wunst.  Let  nig 
gers  be  found  dead  uv  starvashen  ez  soon  ez 
possible.  Let  the  shuddrin  uv  Democratic 
damsels  over  the  horrors  uv  bein  forst  to  con 
tract  matermonyel  alliances  with  niggers  be  got 
up  immejitly,  and  let  ther  shudders  be  strong. 
Let  the  heresy  uv  the  Noo  York  World,  that 
niggers  don't  stink,  be  refooted  by  a  body  uv 


1 2  PREFIS. 

Dimekratic  ethnologists,  who  shel  assert  that 
they  do,  and  make  oath  to  it ;  and,  in  short,  let 
all  the  old  machinery,  wich  served  us  so  well  in 
days  gone  by,  be  set  in  moshen  agin,  and  all 
will  be  well  with  us. 

Then  shel  we  conker.  Then  shel  we  regain 
that  wich  we  lost  in  1860,  and  in  the  haven  uv 
success,  feedin  fat  onto  the  manna  uv  public 
patronage,  enjoy  for  a  time  the  felicity  of  livin 
under  Dimekratic  laws,  made  by  Dimekrats, 
and  executed  by  Dimekrats. 
So  mote  it  be. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 

P.  O.,  CONFEDERIT   X   ROADS 

(wich  is  in  the  State  uv  Kentucky). 


EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


I. 

The  Amnesty  Proposition.  —  The  Inhabitants  of 
the  Cross  Roads  made  the  Victims  of  a  Cruel 
and  Heartless  Hoax. 

CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS     "I 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

December  3,  1866.      J 

I  NEVER  wuz  so  elevated,  nor  never  so  cast 
down,  in  my  life,  ez  last  nite,  and  the  entire 
Corners  wuz  ditto.  The  circumstances  uv  the  case 
wuz  ez  follows :  Me  and  a  party  uv  friends  wuz  a 
playin  draw  poker  with  a  Noo  York  commershel 
travler,  I  believe  they  call  em,  a  feller  with  a  mus- 
tash  and  side  whiskers,  wich  comes  South  a  talkin 
secesh  and  a  sellin  goods.  He  made  some  inquiries 
about  the  standin  uv  the  deelers  at  the  Corners,  and 
wuz,  arter  sed  inquiries,  eggstreemly  anxious  to  sell 
em  goods,  for  cash.  They  wanted  em  on  ninety 

(13) 


14  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

days'  time,  and  on  this  they  split.  He  agreed  with 
em'ih  priiiciple  : — he  drank  to  Jeff  Davis,  and 
damned  Linkin  flooently  —  but  on  the  cash  question 
he  wuz  inflexible  and  unmovable.  To  while  away 
the  rosy  hours,  a  knot  of  choice  sperits,  him  in- 
clooded,  gathered  in  the  Post  Orifis,  to  enjoy  a  game 
uv  draw  poker.  There  wuz  me  and  Square  Gavitt, 
and  Deekin  Pogram,  and  Elder  Slathers,  and  the 
Noo  York  drummer.  We  played  till  past  the 
witchin  hour  of  12  M.,  when  graveyards  yawn  and 
gosts  troop  forth  —  when  the  Noo  Yorker  suckumd. 
His  innocent,  unseasoned  bowels  hedn't  bin  eddi- 
cated  up  to  the  standard  uv  Kentucky  whiskey, 
wich,  new  ez  we  drink  it,  is  pizen  to  foreigners. 
The  Deekin  and  Elder  grabbed  the  stakes  wich  wuz 
onto  the  table,  and  rifled  his  pockets  on  the  sus- 
pishen  that  he  wuz  a  Ablishinist,  and  rolled  him 
out,  and  while  in  the  very  act,  Pollock,  the  Illinoy 
storekeeper,  cum  rushin  in,  askin  us  ef  we'd  heerd 
the  news. 

We  ansered  yoonanimusly  that  we  hedn't. 

"  I'm  jist  in  from  Looisville,"  sed  he  ;  "I  jist  rode 
over  from  the  stashen.  Looisville  is  in  a  blaze  uv 
glory !  " 

"  Wat,"  sez  I,  "  hez  Sumner  killed  Thad  Stevens 
and  immejitly  committed  sooicide?" 


THE  AMNESTY  PROPOSITION.  15 

"  Nary,"  sez  he,  "  but  Johnson  and  Congress  hev 
come  together  on  the  basis  uv  yooniversal  Amnesty, 
wich  wuz  proclaimed  yesterday,  to  be  follereci  by 
yooniversal  suffrage  ez  soon  ez  the  South  kin  con 
veniently  do  it.  They  hev  met  and  embraced  on 
Horris  Greely's  plan." 

Deekin  Pogram  bust  into  a  hysterical  lafT,  and 
in  his  joy  handed  me  the  proceeds  uv  his  explora- 
shen  uv  the  pockets  uv  the  Noo  Yorker,  and  like  a 
blessed  old  lunatic  broke  for  the  meetin-house.  In  a 
moment  or  two  the  bell  pealed  forth  its  joyous  notes, 
and  in  a  minit  more  the  half-dressed  villagers  wuz 
seen  emergin  from  their  respective  domiciles  in  all 
stiles  uv  attire.  A  few  minits  sufficed  to  make  them 
understand  wat  wuz  the  occasion  uv  the  uproar, 
and  a  more  enthoosiastic  population  never  woke  the 
ekkoes.  Afore  five  minutes  hed  rolled  off  into  eter 
nity,  ther  wuz  a  bonfire  blazin  on  the  North  side  uv 
the  square,  the  sed  bonfire  bein  a  nigger  skool- 
house  wich  the  Freedmen's  Commishn  hed  erected, 
and  wich  our  enthoosiastic  citizens  hed  in  their 
delirium  uv  joy  set  fire  to.  It  was  emblematic. 
The  smoke  ez  it  rolled  to  the  South  methawt  as- 
soomed  the  shape  uv  a  olive  branch  —  the  cry  uv 
the  nigger  children  wich  coodent  escape,  symbolized 
their  desertid  condishn,  and  the  smell  uv  em  ez 


1 6  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

they  roasted  wuz  like  unto  incense,  grateful  to  our 
nostrils. 

A  informal  meetin  wuz  to  wunst  organized  by  the 
lite  of  the  burnin  skool-house,  to  wich  Deekin  Po- 
gram  addressed  hisself.  He  remarked  that  this  wuz 
a  solemn  occasion,  so  solemn  indeed  that  he  felt 
inadekate  to  express  the  feelins  wich  filled  him. 
His  mouth  wuzn't  big  enough  to  give  vent  to  his 
sole,  though  ef  he  didn't  he'd  bust.  "  Wat  are  we 
met  for  to-nite,  my  friends?"  sed  he  ;  "  wat  calls  us 
together  ?  Wherefore  these  sounds  uv  joy  —  where 
fore  this  fire,  and  wherefore  is  Bascom  sellin  likker 
at  half  price  ?  Becoz  we  are  rehabilitated  —  that's 
wat  we  are.  Becoz  the  North  hez  gone  into  the 
olive  branch  bizness  agin,  and  we  hev  wunst  more 
our  rites.  We  are  amnestied.  We  kin  vote  —  we* 
kin  go  to  Congress  —  we  are  agin  citizins  uv  the 
great  Republic." 

Pollock,  the  Illinoy  storekeeper,  riz  and  begged 
permishn  to  say  a  word.  He  protested  agin  these 
doins.  He  understood,  akkordin  to  Horris  Greely's 
plan,  that  yooniversal  suffrage  wuz  to  follow  yooni- 
versal  amnesty  —  why  then  this  makin  John  Rod- 
gerses  uv  the  niggers?  Wuz  the  South  a  goin  to 
act  in  good  faith  ? 

Deekin   Pogram  replied  :   The   South  never  yit 


THE  AMNESTY  PROPOSITION.  17 

broke  plighted  faith  save  when  she  cood  make 
sutliin  by  so  doin.  At  this  present  junkter  uv 
affairs  he  presoomed  the  South  wood  extend,  not 
precisely  universal  suffrage  to  the  niggers,  but  the 
way  wood  be  opened  to  em.  Sich  a  mass  uv  igno 
rance  cood  never  be  trusted  with  the  ballot  without 
preparashen,  and  to  prepare  em  wood  be  a  over- 
turnin  the  Kentucky  theory,  that  the  nigger  is  a 
beast,  and  the  Northern  Demokratic  idea  that  the 
nigger  wuz  cust  by  Noer  and  doomed  forever  to  be 
a  slave. 

"The gentleman  from Illinoy  will  to-wunst perceive 
the  fix  we  are  in.  They  ain't  fit  for  the  ballot  now, 
and  ef  we  make  em  so,  it  overturns  our  theory,  wich 
we  can't  do.  Still  we  propose  to  be  just  to  em.  We 
shel  give  sich  uv  em  the  ballot  ez  are  suffishently 
intellijent,  and  we  shel  not  put  the  standard  too  high 
nuther.  We  shel  give  every  wun  uv  em  the  ballot 
who  is  able  to  reed  the  Greek  testament  flooently 
and  pass  a  credible  examinashen  in  Lattin,  embroid 
ery,  French,  Germah,  English  Grammar  and  double- 
entry  book-keepin.  The  path  to  the  polls,  yoo  see, 
is  open  to  em.  Uv  course  we  can't  be  expectid  to 
tolerate  skool-houses  for  em,  coz  that  wood  raise  em 
above  their  normal  condishen.  Also,  ther  must  be 
proper  regulashens  controllin  em,  for,  my  deer  sir, 


i8  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

they  are  mere  infants,  and  ther  totterin  steps  on  the 
road  to  freedom  needs  directing.  Society  is  a  com 
promise  in  wich  every  one  resigns  ez  much  uv  his 
persnel  liberty  ez  the  good  uv  the  hull  may  demand. 
We  count  ourselves  the  hull,  and  the  resinin  uv  pers 
nel  liberty  must  come  from  them.  That  nigger," 
sed  he,  pintin  to  wun  wich  the  joyous  citizens  wuz 
stringin  up  to  Bascom's  sign-post,  "  that  nigger  is  a 
resinin  his  persnel  freedom  for  the  good  of  the  hull. 
No  doubt  in  his  heart  he  murmurs,  and  ef  the  cord 
wich  is  chokin  him  cood  be  loosened,  he  wood  re 
pine.  It  is  rough  on  him  ;  but  the  sooperiority  uv 
the  Caucashn  race  must  be  —  My  God !  it's  one 
uv  my  niggers  !  Stop  !  Bascom,  stop  !  "  ejackilated 
the  Deekin,  but  it  wuz  too  late.  The  nigger  wuz 
already  black  in  the  face  and  hed  ceased  to  kick, 
and  the  Deekin,  heavin  a  sigh,  perceeded. 

"  We  shel  scroopulously  regard  their  rites.  They 
shel  hev  the  rite  to  buy  land,  and  be  in  all  respecks 
like  us,  ez  soon  ez  they  kin  be  trusted.  Till  then 
they  will  hev  to  be  restrainedf  There  must  be 
laws  prohibitin  em  from  receivin  more  than  $4  50 
per  month,  that  they  may  not  become  bloated  aris 
tocrats  and  pampered  sons  uv  luxury  —  the  proper 
development  of  the  country,  and  likewise  the  pay 
ment  of  the  Confedrit  debt,  requires  manuel  labor, 


THE  AMNESTY  PROPOSITION.  19 

wich  we  wuz  never  edjucated  to  do,  and  therefore 
the  good  of  the  whole  requires  that  they  shel  resigne 
their  persnel  liberty  so  fur  ez  to  be  confined  to  the 
plantashuns,  onto  which  they  hev  engaged  to  laber, 
that  they  may  relijusly  do  it,  which  is  cleerly  nes- 
sary,  for  yoo  see  ef  I  hire  a  nigger  in  Janooary,  I 
must  not  be  exposed  to  the  chances  uv  his  quittin 
me  in  July.  But  wat  more  kin  they  want?  They 
are  free  to  ez  great  a  extent  ez  the  good  of  sosiety 
will  permit.  We  shel  give  em  qualified  suffrage, 
fixin,  uv  course,  wich  is  just,  the  qualifications  our 
selves,  and  bein  valyooable  members  of  society,  here 
after  we  shel  care  fur  em,  so  long  ez  they  are  heal 
thy  —  Good  Lord,  why  will  them  cusses  persist  in 
hangin  up  able-bodied  niggers  when  there's  so  many 
old  ones  around,  good  for  nuthin  but  to  celebrate 
with  ?  "  and  to  save  another  wun  uv  his  former  ser 
vants,  the  Deekin  closed  abruptly. 

It  is  onnecessary  to  recount  the  further  doins  uv 
the  nite.  There  wuz  a  skool-house  and  church,  re 
cently  erected,  burnd,  with  some  skore  or  sich  a 
matter  uv  young  niggers  in  em,  which  wuz  too  young 
to  be  uv  any  yoose,  save  one  girl,  wich  wuz  neerly 
white  and  almost  fifteen,  wich  ought  to  hev  bin  res- 
kood,  and  five,  ef  I  counted  correctly,  able-bodied 
men  and  wimin  wuz  hung.  Bascom  sold  out  his 


20  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

stock  entirely,  and  by  3  A.  M.  the  entire  inhab- 
itance  uv  the  Corners  wuz  a  lay  in  around  the  square, 
in  festoons. 

There  wuz  a  bitter  awakenin  to  this  scene  uv  fes 
tivity.  At  a  little  after  7,  while  the  Deekin,  the 
Elder,  and  myself,  wuz  in  Bascom's  tryin  to  get  an 
assuager  —  and  the  best  we  cood  do  wuz  to  pour  a 
quart  uv  water  into  a  barrel  wich  hed  bin  emptied, 
and  roll  it  around  and  thus  flavor  it  —  Captain 
McPelter,  late  uv  Morgan's  cavalry,  cum  in  from 
Looisville.  Eagerly  we  asked  him  the  confirmation 
uv  the  tidins,  when  he  informed  us  that  it  wuz  a 
hoax  —  that  no  such  thing  hed  been  done,  nor  wuz 
Congris  in  any  sich  a  noshen.  Pollock  dropped  in, 
and  when  I  reproached  him  wTith  his  dooplicity,  he 
ansered  that  it  wuz  a  hoax,  but  he  hoped  we'd 
excoose  him.  He  hed  a  cravin  desire  to  see  whether 
ef  Amnesty  and  Suffrage  shood  be  adopted,  how 
fur  we'd  go  in  the  latter  direction.  He  wuz  satis 
fied,  and  honestly  hoped  we'd  forgive  him  the  pleas 
ant  jest.  He'd  made  the  Corners  lively  one  nite, 
any  how.  I  wuz  too  profoundly  disgusted  to  reply 
to  the  wretch. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 


PROJECT  OF  A  COLLEGE.  21 


n. 


Mr.  Nasby  and  the  Circle  of  Friends  of 'which  he 
is  the  Mentor,  Ornament  and  Guide,  feeling  the 
need  of  an  Institution  of  Learning  for  the  Touth 
of  Kentucky,  project  a  College. 


S     1 

yO,  \ 
>.    J 


CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
December  9,  1866. 

SQUARE  Gavitt,  Deekin  Pogram,  Capt.  Mc- 
Pclter  and  myself  wuz  in  the  Post  Offis  last 
nite,  wich,  next  to  Bascom's,  hez  got  to  be  the  cheef 
resort  uv  the  leading  intellex  uv  the  Corners,  a  talkin 
over  matters  and  things,  when  the  Deekin  happened 
to  menshun  that  next  week  his  second  son,  Elijer, 
who  hez  intelleck  into  him,  was  a  goin  to  start  for 
Michigan  to  enter  a  college. 

"Wat!"  sed  I,  "do  yoo  perpose  to  send  that 
noble  yooth,  Elijer  Pogram,  to  a  Ablishn  State,  to 
enter  a  Ablishn  college,  to  suck  his  knollege  from 
a  Ablishn  mother?  Good  Heavens!  Frailty,  thy 
name  is  woman. 


22  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

[I  hedn't  any  ijee  that  this  last  remark  wuz  ap- 
propos,  but  it  sounds  well,  and  I  hev  notist  that  it 
don't  make  much  difference  wat  the  cotashun  is  so 
ez  yoo  end  a  remark  with  a  cotoshun.] 

The  Deekin  remarked  that  it  wuz  painful ;  but 
the  fact  wuz,  Elijer  must  hev  a  edjucashen.  He 
didn't  bleeve  in  edjucashen,  generally  speekin.  The 
common  people  wuz  better  off  without  it,  ez  edju 
cashen  lied  a  tendency  to  unsettle  their  minds. 
He  hed  seen  the  evil  effex  uv  it  in  niggers  and  poor 
whites.  So  soon  ez  a  nigger  masters  the  spellin 
book  and  gits  into  noosepapers,  he  becomes  dissatis 
fied  with  his  condishn,  and  hankers  after  a  better 
cabin  and  more  wages.  He  to-wunst  begins  to  in 
sist  onto  ownin  land  hisself,  and  givin  his  children 
educashen,  and,  ez  a  nigger,  for  our  purposes,  aint 
worth  a  soo  markee.  Jes  so  with  the  poor  whites. 
He  knowd  one  melloncolly  instance.  A  poor  cuss 
up  toards  Garrittstown,  named  Ramsey,  learnt  to 
read  afore  the  war,  and  then  commenst  deterioratin. 
For  two  years  he  refoozed  to  vote  the  Dimocratic 
ticket,  then  he  blossomed  out  into  a  Ablishnist  and 
tried  to  make  the  others  uv  his  class  discontented 
by  tellin  uv  em  that  Slavery  wuz  wat  kept  them 
down,  and  finally,  after  pashense  ceased  to  be  a 
virchoo,  and  we  tarred  and  fathered  him  one  nite 


PROJECT  OF  A  COLLEGE.  23 

for  a  incendiary,  he  went  to  Injiany.  That  cuss  cum 
back  here,  doorin  the  late  onpleasantniss,  kernel  of  a 
rigiment,  wich  he  campt  on  my  farm  and  subsisted 
em  off  it. 

"  Sum  educashen  is,  however,  nessary.  I  design 
Elijer  for  Congris,  and  he  must  hev  it.  He's  a  true 
Pogram,  and  nothin  will  strike  in  wich  kin  hurt 
him." 

"  Why  not,"  sez  I,  "  that  the  Southern  yooth  may 
be  properly  trained,  start  a  College  uv  our  own? 
Why,  Deekin,  run  risks  uv  hevin  the  minds  uv  our 
young  men  tainted  with  heresy?" 

The  entire  company  wuz  struck  with  the  idea, 
and  it  wuz  earnestly  canvassed,  and  finally  decided 
upon ;  and  I  wuz  deppytized  to  start  it,  wich  I 
iinmejitly  did.  The  name  by  wich  the  new  college 
is  to  be  known  is  "  The  Southern  Classikle,  Theo- 
logikle  and  Military  Institoot  uv  Confedrit  X  Roads 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky)." 

The  college  grounds  is  to  comprise  one  hundred 
akers  taken  from  corners  uv  the  farms  uv  Deekin 
Pogram,  Elder  Slathers  and  Capt.  McPelter,  wich 
ground  they  sell  the  college,  seein  it's  for  that  pur 
pose,  for  $300  p?r  aker. 

The  faculty  will  be,  ef  we  kin  sekoor  em,  com 
posed  uv  these  trooly  great  minds  :  — 


24  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

Genril  Forrest,  late  C.  S.  A.,  Professor  uv  Moral 
Philosophy. 

Kernell  Mosby,  late  C.  S.  A.,  Professor  uv  Rheto 
ric  and  Belles  Lettres. 

Capt.  McGee,  late  C.  S.  A.,  Professor  uv  Natural 
Sciences. 

Genril  Magruder,  late  C.  S.  A.,  Professor  uv  wat- 
ever  is  understood  by  them  ez  is  posted  in  college 
matters,  ez  Classics,  wich  I  shel  look  up  ez  soon  ez 
I  hev  time. 

This  is  a  killin  two  birds  with  one  stun.  We  not 
only  pervide  educashen,  wich  is  safe  for  our  young 
men,  but  we  pervide  comfortable  places  for  the 
heroes  uv  the  late  onpleasantniss. 

In  addition  to  these,  Deekin  Pogram,  Square 
Gavitt  and  myself,  each  pledged  ourselves  to  endow 
a  Professorship  in  the  Theologikle  Department,  to 
be  known  by  our  names,  and  we  to  hev  the  appintin 
uv  the  Professors. 

The  Pogram  Chair  uv  Biblikle  Theology  will  be 
offered  to  Rev.  Henry  Clay  Dean,  uv  Iowa,  pro 
vided  he  will  stipulate  to  wash  his  feet  wunst  per 
quarter  and  change  his  shirt  at  least  twice  per 
annum. 

The  Gavitt  Chair  uv  Biblikle  Literatoor  will  be 
offered  to  Rev.  C.  Chauncey  Burr,  uv  Noo  York ; 
and, 


PROJECT  OF  A  COLLEGE.  25 

The  Nasby  Chair  uv  Biblikle  Politicks  will  be 
filled  by  Rev.  Petroleum  Vesoovius  Nasby,  whose 
eminent  fitniss  for  the  place  is  undispooted. 

In  the  Scientific  and  Classikle  Departments  the 
text-books  will  be  keerfully  revised,  and  everything 
uv  a  Northern  or  levelin  tendency  will  be  scroopu- 
lously  expergated.  In  the  Theologikle  Department 
speshl  attenshun  will  be  given  to  the  highly  nessary 
work  uv  preparin  the  stoodents  for  comin  out  strong 
on  the  holinis  uv  Slavery,  and  to  this  end  the  three 
years'  course  will  be  devotid  thus  :  — 

ist  year  —  To  the  cuss  uv  Noer. 

2d  year  —  To  provin  that  the  Afrikin  nigger  wuz 
reely  the  descendants  uv  Ham. 

3d  year  —  Considerin  the  various  texts  wich  go  to 
show  that  Afrikin  slavery  is  not  only  permitted 
by  the  skripters,  but  especially  enjoined. 

I  shell  myself  lectur,  from  time  to  time,  on  Ham, 
Hager  and  Onesimus,  that  the  bearins  uv  these  indi- 
vidooals  upon  our  system  may  be  fully  understood, 
and  also  on  sich  subjects  ez  the  inflooense  uv  stimu- 
latin  flooids  upon  the  human  system,  the  cat-o'-nine 
tails  ez  a  evangelizer,  and  sich  other  topics  ez  may 
from  time  to  time  sejest  themselves. 


26  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

The  young  men  confided  to  our  care  will  receive 
not  only  a  solid  collegiate  educashun,  ez  it  is  under 
stood  at  the  North,  but  careful  attention  will  be  paid 
to  the  accomplishments  so  nessary  to  the  troo  South 
ern  gentleman.  They  will  be  taught  draw  poker, 
pitchin  dollars  (real  Spanish  dollars  will  be  provided 
for  the  purpose),  spittin  at  a  mark,  revolver  and 
bowie  knife  practice,  tournament  ridin  at  rings  (real 
injy  rubber  rings  will  be  provided  —  this'll  be  extra), 
and  cat-o'-nine-tails.  The  morals  uv  the  stoodents 
will  be  scroopulously  looked  after.  No  card-play  in 
will  be  allowed  afore  servis  on  Sunday,  and  none 
wratever  with  the  servants.  They  will  be  taught  to 
respeck  themselves. 

Uv  course,  there  will  hev  to  be  a  large  outlay  uv 
money,  wich  it  stands  to  reason  can't  be  outlayed  till 
it's  inlayed. 

We,  therefore,  formed  an  Executive  Committe, 
whose  dooty  it  wuz  made  to  solissit  funds  for  this 
purpose,  and  to  inangerate  a  series  uv  Gift  Enter 
prises,  and  sich,  wich  is  ez  follows  :  — 

Deekin  Pogram,          President. 
Elder  Slathers,  Vice-President. 

Capt.  McPelter,  Corresponding  Secretary. 

Myself,  Financial    Secretary  and 

Treasurer. 


PROJECT  OF  A  COLLEGE.  27 

The  high  standin  uv  the  Board,  particklerly  the 
Treasurer,  wich  hez  the  handlin  uv  the  funds,  is  a 
suffishent  guarantee  that  all  money  subscribed  will 
be  faithfully  applied.  It  wuz  resolved,  in  order  that 
the  Board  may  present  that  respectable  appearance 
wich  their  posishen  demands,  that  the  first  funds 
reseeved  should  be  applied  to  the  purchis  uv  each 
uv  em  a  new  soot  uv  clothes,  a  step,  I  am  confident, 
the  friends  uv  southern  educashen  will  approve  uv 
and  heartily  endorse. 

I  hev  hopes  in  the  course  uv  a  week  to  report 
progress.  Every  subscriber  uv  $2.50  and  upwards, 
will  hev  a  Honorary  Professorship  named  after  him, 
or  will  be  made  a  Honorary  Member  uv  the  Board 
uv  Directors,  ez  he  chooses.  We  regret  that  we 
wuz  too  late  to  git  Admiral  Semmes  to  fill  one  uv 
the  chairs  ;  but  we  pledge  our  friends  to  sekoor  his 
fust  lootenant,  or  sekkond,  at  farthest.  We  hev 
high  hopes  uv  a  libral  support  from  the  Dirnocrisy 
north.  They  cannot  but  realize  the  dangers  uv 
sendin  their  sons  to  sich  institooshens  uv  learnin 
north  ez  must  turn  em  out  Ablishnists,  or  chill,  at 
least,  the  ardoor  uv  their  Dimocrisy. 

It  is  to  be  hoped  that  contributions  for  the  buildin 
uv  the  institooshen  and  its  proper  endowment  will 


28  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

be  commenst  immejitly,  ez  there  is  a  morgage  on 
Deekin  Pogram's  farm,  and  I  am  in  pressin  need 
uv  a  substanshel  soot  uv  winter  clothes. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster J. 


THE  PATRIARCHAL  SYSTEM.  29 


in. 


Mr.  Nasby  tries  to  weep  at  the  Tomb  of  a 
Friend,  and  witnesses  a  Sisterly  Fight. — The 
Disadvantages  of  the  Patriarchal  System. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
December  15,  1866. 

IHEERD,  nearly  two  months  ago,  that  my  old 
friend,  John  Guttle,  uv  Mobeel,  hed  departed 
this  life  and  gone  to  that  other  and  better  world 
where  the  wicked  cease  from  troublin  and  the  weery 
are  at  rest,  and  wuz  profoundly  shocked.  John 
Guttle  wuz  my  friend,  and  I  much  feer  his  like  I 
ne'er  shall  look  upon  agin.  He  wuz  a  Democrat  uv 
the  old  skool,  one  uv  the  few  links  wich  remaned 
to  connect  the  present  generation  with  the  past. 
Well  do  I  remember  the  gellorious  old  man  !  How 
often  hev  I  set  in  the  square  room  in  his  country 
residence,  and  drunk  wiskey  and  water  with  him 
till  we  neither  on  us  could  see  a  hole  thro  a  forty- 
foot  ladder  ;  how  many  times  hez  he  flogged  niggers 


30  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


for  my  amoozment,  to  show  me  the  proper  way  uv 
managin  uv  em  ;  and  how  many  times  hez  he  lent 
me  small  sums  uv  money,  varyin  from  five  to  thirty- 
one  dollars,  akkordin  to  the  state  uv  mellernis  he 
wuz  in  when  I  approached  him  on  the  delikit  sub- 
jik  !  Alas  !  poor  John  Guttle.  Let  not  the  skoffer 
say  that  I  regret  his  death  becoz  his  sons  will  be  apt 
to  try  and  collect  the  notes  the  old  man  departed 
holds  uv  mine  !  No,  no  !  they  know  me  too  well 
to  waste  any  time  on  that.  I  mourn  becoz  I  loved 
him,  and  becoz  uv  the  misfortunes  which  druv  him 
to  a  prematoor  grave.  A.  Linkin  is  responsible  for 
this  dark  shadder  onto  my  pathway.  John  Guttle 
bed  three  hundred  niggers  on  his  plantashens  and  in 
his  house  in  town  —  these  wuz  wrencht  from  him 
by  the  Proclamashen,  and  turned  out  from  his  pater 
nal  care  to  starve,  which  the  most  uv  em  are  indus- 
trously  doin  at  about  $3  per  day.  He  bed  em  uv 
all  hues  —  there  wuz  the  full-blooded  Black,  the 
disgustin  Mulatter,  the  pleasant  Quadroon,  the  beau 
tiful  Octoroon,  and  them  which  bed  so  nearly  lost 
the  cuss  of  Ham  ez  to  be  hardly  distinguishable 
from  the  pure  Caucashun ;  and  it  wuz  noticeable 
that  the  nearly  white  niggers  on  the  Guttleses  plan- 
tatin  wuz  all  beautiful.  The  Guttleses  theirselves 
wuz  perfeck  specimens  uv  manly  beauty,  and  it 


THE  PATRIARCHAL  SYSTEM.  31 

probably  bed  its  effeck  upon  tbe  blacks.  Tbe  nig 
ger  is  a  imitative  animal. 

It  wuz  tbis  robbin  uv  him  uv  his  property  —  this 
overturnin  uv  the  normal  condishn  uv  things  — 
which  killed  John  Guttle.  He  never  held  up  his 
head  after  the  Proclamashen,  but  faded  away  like 
a  frostid  flower  ! 

I  wus  in  Mobeel  last  week  on  biznis  connected 
with  our  college  (it  wuz  solisitin  funds  to  endow 
my  Professorship),  and  I  felt  that  I  cood  not  leave 
the  sity  without  droppin  a  dozen  teers  or  sich  onto 
his  grave.  I  felt,  ez  he  bed  contribbitted  at  various 
times  so  much  to  moisten  my  clay,  that  it  would  be 
ungentlemanly  not  to  do  suthin  toward  moisten  in 
hizzen.  And  in  pursuance  uv  my  resolve,  I  wended 
my  way  sadly  to  the  cemetry,  and,  findin  the  tomb, 
struck  an  attitood  uv  dispair,  and  leanin  pensively 
onto  the  moniment,  strove,  to  the  best  uv  my  ability, 
to  weep,  but  it  wuz  a  futile  endeavor.  My  eyes 
woodent  give  down.  I  strove  to  recall  his  virchoos, 
but  sich  is  the  weaknis  uv  human  nacher  that 
whenever  his  form  rose  in  my  memory,  my  mind 
involuntarily  wandered  to  his  wiskey,  and  my  mouth 
would  water  to  sich  an  extent  ez  to  monopolize  all 
the  moisture  in  my  system.  I  cood  hev  spit  onto 


32  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

his  grave,  but  weep  I  could  not.  Alas  for  poor 
humanity ! 

When  I  wuz  a  standin  there  tryin  to  weep,  and 
makin  a  bad  fist  uv  it,  I  notist  three  beautiful  young 
ladies  approachin,  with  baskits  ov  hot-house  flowers 
a  hangin  onto  their  arms.  I  recognized  em  to- 
wunst.  They  wuz  John  Guttle's  daughters,  and 
they  wuz  a  comin  to  strew  flowers  onto  the  grave 
uv  their  paternal  ancestor  on  their  father's  side.  It 
wuz  a  techin  site ;  and  feelin  that  I  wuz  a  introoder, 
not  bein  a  blood  relashun,  and  only  connected  with 
the  deceest  by  notes  uv  hand,  I  withdrew  a  short 
distants.  Skasely  had  they  got  to  the  tomb,  when 
from  the  other  side  approached  three  more  ravishin- 
ly  beautiful  young  -ladies,  with  baskits  uv  hot-house 
flowers  onto  their  arms.  The  last  ones  resembled 
in  a  strikin  manner  the  fust  ones,  ceptin  they  wuz  a 
shade  darker,  and  their  hare  waved  bootiful,  where 
as  the  hare  uv  the  fust  wuz  perfeckly  strate. 

The  two  parties  faced  each  other  on  opposite 
sides  uv  the  toom,  and  party  Number  One  glared 
fiercely  at  party  Number  Two. 

"  Lize  !  Flora  !  Jane  !  "  sed  the  oldest  uv  party 
Number  One,  "  wat  are  yoo  doin  here?" 

"  Sisters,"  sed  the  eldest  uv  party  Number  Two, 
"we're  here  dischargin  a  fillyel  dooty.  Beneeth 


THE  PATRIARCHAL  SYSTEM.  33 

these  sod  lies  the  remains  uv  our  father,  and  we  are 
goin  to  strew  these  flowers  onto  his  toom.  Jine  us 
in  the  strew." 

"Father?"  shreeked  the  three  uv  party  Number 
One.  "Yoor  all  niggers  and  wuz  servants  unto  —  " 

"  Our  half-sisters,"  sed  the  spokesman  uv  party 
Number  Two  ;  "  but  Linkin  removed  the  cuss  uv 
Ham,  and  we're  now  free,  and  hev  ez  much  rite  to 
strew  the  grave  uv  our  common  par  lent,  which  wuz 
John  Guttle,  ez  yoo.  O  !  our  sisters,  our  father 
wuz  a  good  man  —  let  us  bedew  his  grave  with  our 
teers  and  —  " 

"  Wat  impudence  !  "  shreeked  party  Number  One, 
all  in  korious. 

"Impudence  yoorself!"  retorted  party  Number 
Two,  getting  red  in  the  face.  "  We  are  John  Gut- 
tleses  daughters  percisely  ez  much  ez  yoo,  and  the 
only  advantage  yoo  hev  over  us  is  in  the  article  of 
mothers.  Yoo  three  hev  wun,  which  wuz  John 
Guttleses  wife,  while  we  three  hev  three  —  one 
apiece  eggsackly  —  which  wuz  John  Guttleses  ser 
vants  ;  but  wre  can't,  nevertheless,  stifle  our  emo- 
shuns.  I  shel  command  myself,  and  thus  perceed 
to  perform  a  act  uv  fillyel  dooty." 

And  she  histed  out  the  flowers  and  commenced 
to  strew. 

3 


34  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

The  tother  wuns  wuz  a  gettin  hot.  The  oldest 
wun  cood  stand  this  impudence  no  longer,  and  drop- 
pin  her  basket,  went  for  her,  follered  by  her  sisters. 
It  wuz  a  sperited  conflict,  and  lasted  perhaps  four 
minits,  or  until  I  parted  em,  when  they  gathered 
themselves  together,  and  departed  —  one  party  went 
one  way,  and  tother,  tother. 

Fillyel  love  hed  done  more  in  the  strewin  biznis 
than  it  sot  out  to  do.  The  six  lovin  daughters  uv 
the  deceest  John  hed  not  only  strewed  flowers  onto 
his  grave,  but  hair,  and  collars,  and  buzzum  pins, 
and  shreds  uv  silk,  and  water-falls,  and  cotton,  and 
false  teeth,  and  pieces  uv  almost  everything  which 
goes  to  make  up  the  sum  total  uv  female  attire. 

Ez  I  gazed  at  the  wreck  and  saw  their  tattered 
forms  vanish  in  the  dim  distance,  I  cood  not  help 
admittin  that  when  it  come  to  strewin  the  graves  uv 
deceest  ancestors,  there  wuz  sum  disadvantages  at- 
tendin  the  patriarkle  system. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M., 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),   and  likewise  Professor  uv 
Biblikle  Politicks  in  the  Southern  Classikle  & 
Military  Institoot. 


THE    ROUGH    AND    TUMBLE    AT    THE    PATERNAL    TOMB. 

Page  34. 


IN  NORTH  CAROLINA.  35 


IV. 


Mr.  Nasby  in  North  Carolina.  —  The  Abrogation 
of  General  Sickles'  Order.  —  The  aid  he  ren 
dered  Colonel  Podgers. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
December  31,  1866. 

FOR  two  weeks  past  I  hev  bin  in  North  Caro 
lina,  and  hev  hed  an  oppertoonity  uv  bein  uv 
service  to  my  friends  and  the  good  cause. 

I  wuz  there  collectin  funds  fur  the  new  College 
at  this  pint,  to  wich  I  am  devoted  heart  and  sole, 
and  wuz  a  makin  my  home  at  Kernel  Abslum 
Podgers,  who  resides  just  back  of  Rawly,  and 
whose  table  and  cellar,  permit  me  to  say,  are  un 
surpassed  in  the  South.  Kernel  Podgers  is  a  gen 
tleman  uv  the  old  skool,  who  livei  in  luxurious 
elegance  onto  a  plantashn  uv  1500  akers,  and  who 
icz  troo  piety  into  him,  and  alluz  wears  a  shirt- 
frill.  Afore  the  war  he  owned  200  niggers,  and 
his  sole  runnin  out  after  em,  he  hez  managed, 


36  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

sence  the  war,  to  collect  the  most  uv  em  and  get 
em  together  on  the  old  place.  He  hez  bin  busily 
engaged  in  subdooin  uv  em  and  bringing  em  back 
to  ther  normal  condishun  ;  but  alas  !  ther  wuz  diffi 
culties  in  the  way.  The  men  niggers,  with  an 
obstinacy  wich  I  can't  account  for,  refused  to  work 
for  $4  per  month,  and  the  wimen,  hevin  ben  mostly 
married  to  ther  husbands  by  the  chaplin  uv  a  regi 
ment  wich  wuz  stashened  here  doorin  the  war, 
refused  to  resoom  their  old  relations,  and  things 
looked  serious.  Most  men  would  hev  yielded  to 
circumstances  and  give  up,  but  Kernel  Podgers 
wuz  not  uv  that  stripe.  He  owed  a  dooty  to  these 
misguided  beins  wich  he  felt  he  must  iulfil ;  and 
besides,  he  is  desirous  of  buildin  a  new  house  next 
summer  and  sendin  two  daughters  (by  his  wife) 
to  a  seminary  next  season,  and  he  felt  that  he 
must  bring  em  to  their  senses.  He  sed  that  he 
stood  in  the  relation  uv  a  father,  figgeratively 
speekin,  to  all  uv  em,  and  literally  to  many  uv 
em  ;  and  wuz  he  agoin  to  let  em  go  on  a  flyin 
out  ov  their  normal  speer?  Not  any. 

The  fust  day  I  wuz  there,  a  crisis  occurred. 
John  Podgers,  his  son,  insisted  upon  takin  away 
the  wife  uv  a  mulatto,  and  the  nigger,  forgettin 
his  posishen,  wuz  impudent.  John  struck  him, 


IN  NORTH  CAROLINA.  37 

and  the  degraded  wretch  waded  in  and  whaled 
him  unmerciful.  This,  uv  course,  cood  not  be  en- 
doored.  The  Podgers'  blood  riz,  and  that  nigger 
wuz  seized  and  catted  till  he  died.  Ef  I  remem 
ber  right,  he  expired  while  undergoin  discipline. 
It  may  be  he  lived  till  mornin  ;  but  it  matters  not, 
ceptin  that  I  like  to  be  accurate. 
*  It  wuz  a  solem  and*  impressive  scene.  The 
Kernel  had  the  Ethiopian's  wife  present  doorin 
the  infliction  uv  the  punishment,  and  to  show  her 
that  he  did  not  perceed  without  authority,  be-fore 
commencin  he  read  to  her  from  Scripter  the  chap 
ters  treatin  uv  Ham  and  Hager,  and  the  passage 
commencin  "  servance,  obey  your  masters,"  and 
then  walloped  him  with  more  vigger  than  I  spozed 
wuz  left  in  a  man  so  old.  He  pinted  to  the  nigger 
on  the  ground,  after  he  wuz  cut  down,  and  tellin 
her  that  he  hoped  it  wood  be  a  lesson  to  her,  bade 
her  go  to  her  quarters.  But  the  perverse  creecher 
didn't.  She  ran  away  and  complained  to  the  offi 
cer  at  the  neerest  post,  who  instid  uv  sendin  uv 
her  back  under  guard,  with  his  compliments  to 
Kernel  Podgers,  actilly  forwarded  her  complaint 
to  Gen.  Sickles,  who  forthwith  struck  a  blow  at 
the  foundashens  uv  the  fabric  uv  Southern  sosiety, 


38  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

and  ordered  the  arrest  uv  the  Kernel,  who  wuz  to- 
wunst  placed  in  doorance  vile. 

There  wuz  eggscitement  in  the  visinity.  I  never 
saw  sich  a  fermentashen.  Men  run  to  and  fro  with 
blancht  cheeks,  and  askt,  "  Wat  next?  Is  our  rites 
to  be  taken  from  us?  Is  Johnson  a  holler  mock 
ery  ? "  And  they  made  up  a  purse,  and  begged 
me  to  go  to  Androo,  antl  stand  between  em  arid 
destruckshen.  I  run  up  to  Washinton,  and  hed  an 
interview  with  his  Eggslency,  the  President.  He 
knowd  Kernel  Podgers,  —  in  his  younger  days  he 
hed  made  his  coats,  —  and  ez  I  tetched  upon  the 
old  man  immured  in  a  dismal  dungeon,  he  wept. 
But  A.  Johnson  hez  decision  uv  character.  Wipin 
his  eyes,  he  isshood  a  order  for  the  revokashen  uv 
Sickleses  absurd  order  that  niggers  shoodent  be 
whipt,  and  a  speshl  order  commandin  the  offiser 
who  hed  the  Kernel  in  custody,  to  turn  him  over 
to  the  Civil  Courts,  to  be  tried  in  accordance  with 
the  laws  of  North  Karliny. 

Armed  with  these  documents,  I  flew  back,  and 
the  nite  I  arrived  I  hed  the  satisfackshen  uv  takin 
the  Kernel  out  uv  Jail,  and  takin  him  afore  a  Justis 
uv  the  Peace,  where  he  gave  bail  to  appear  afore 
the  Common  Pleas  to  answer  a  charge  uv  man- 


IN  NORTH  CAROLINA.  39 

slaughter,    prefered    by    the   widcler    uv    the   dead 
nigger. 

A  day  or  two  after,  the  case  wuz  heard,  I  ap- 
pearin  for  the  Kernel.  I  held  that  the  case  be 
dismissed  for  the  followin  reason  :  — 

1.  The  charge  uv  manslaughter  wuz  absurd,  for 
the  reason  that  in  the  minds  uv  the  Southern  peo 
ple  there  hez   alluz  bin   the  gravest  doubts   ez    to 
whether  the  nigger  is  actilly  a  man.      I  held   that 
the  length  uv  his  heel,  the  thickness  uv  his  skull, 
the  length  uv  his  arm,  all  showd  that  he  wuz  uv 
a  distink  species.     Ef  this  is  the  case,  ez  a  matter 
uv  course  the  Kernel  goes  free. 

2.  The  Kernel  can't  be  held,  allowin  the  nigger 
to  be  a  man.      The   laws  uv  the   State  uv  North 
Karliny  permit   the  whippin    uv  niggers,  but   they 
don't  prescribe  the  quantity  uv  whippin  wich  may 
be  inflicted.     It's  a  matter  wich   is  left  entirely  to 
the  discreshen  of  the  whipper.     It's  a  matter  with 
wich  the  whippee  hez   nothin  to   do ;    neither  hez 
the  State.     Ef  the  Kernel  hed  shot  the  nigger  he 
wood  be  liable,  for  shootin  ain't  permitted ;  but  ez 
whippin  is,  and  ez  the  quantity  ain't  prescribed,  uv 
course  it  intends  the  matter  to  be  left  solely  to  the 
discreshen  uv  the  party  who  hez  the  power  to  whip. 
Nothin  kin  be  clearer  than  that.     Shel  Kernel  Pod- 


4-O  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

gers  be  punisht  becoz  a  nigger  hedn't  powers  uv 
endoorence  ?  Forbid  it  heven  ! 

Here  I  rested  the  case.  I  showed  to  the  satis- 
fackshen  uv  the  Court  that  the  law  was  not  only 
just  but  humane,  and  that  any  sich  absurdity  ez 
punishin  the  Kernel  for  carry  in  out  its  pervisions 
wood  be  strikin  a  blow  at  the  framework  uv 
society. 

The  Court  coincided  with  me,  and  to-wunst  dis 
charged  the  Kernel,  amid  the  acclamashuns  uv  the 
crowd.  The  event  wuz  sellebratid  that  afternoon 
by  whippin  every  nigger  within  a  cirkle  uv  ten 
miles.  The  exercise  did  our  people  good.  It 
wuz  soothin. 

In  the  mean  time  John  Podgers  hed  gone  afore  a 
Justice  uv  the  Peace  and  made  complaint  uv  Susan 
(that  is  the  name  uv  the  female  wich  wuz  the  cause 
uv  the  diffikilty)  ez  a  vagrant,  and  she  wuz  so  de 
clared  by  the  Justis  and  put  up  and  sold.  Under 
the  circumstances  no  one  wood  bid  agin  John,  and 
she  was  struck  off  to  him  at  $50,  wich  the  Justis 
under  the  pecoolyer  circumstances  uv  the  case  re- 
foosed  to  take.  I  saw  John  a  marchin  uv  her  home, 
and  felt  happy. 

The  Kernel's  gratitood  wuz  boundlis. 


IN  NORTH  CAROLINA.  41 

"Wat  kin  I  do  for  yoo?"  sed  he,  wringin  my 
hand  in  a  fever  uv  joy. 

"  Nothin,"  sed  I,  "  nothin !  Virchoo  is  its  own 
reward.  But  our  College  is  languishin  for  want  uv 
means  —  let  yoor  gratitood  take  that  shape." 

He  subscribed  and  paid  $200,  wich  constoots 
him  a  perpetooal  Honorary  Perfesser,  and  $100  to 
make  his  wife  a  perpetooal  Honorary  Perfesser.  I 
borrowd  uv  him  $50  to  take  me  home,  ez  I  coodent 
uv  coorse  yoose  College  funds,  and  departed  $350 
better.  I  left  regretfully.  Now  that  this  portion 
uv  the  South  is  gettin  her  rites,  it  is  trooly  a  delite- 
ful  place  too  live,  and  I  shood  like  to  end  my  days 
here.  But  my  post  offis,  and  that  college!  —  I  kin 
never  leave  em,  never.  To  that  college  I  hev  dedi- 
kated  the  few  remainin  years  uv  my  life,  and  I'll 
never  desert  it  so  long  ez  there's  a  dollar  to  be 
raised  for  it  out  uv  anybody. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M., 
(Wich   is   Postmaster)   and  likewise  Professor  uv 
Biblikle   Politicks   in   the    Southern   Classikle 
&  Military  Institoot. 


42  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


v. 

Mr.  Nasby  renders  an  Account  of  his  Steward- 
skip. —  Laying  of  the  Corner  Stone  of  tJie  Col 
lege  Edifice.  —  An  Awkward  Denouement. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS      ^ 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),   > 
Janooary  2,  1866.       ) 

ON  my  return  from  my  trip  to  North  Karliny  ther 
wuz  an  immejit  and  irrepressible  desire  on  the 
part  uv  the  Trustees  uv  the  Institoot,  to  hev  a  state 
ment  from  me  uv  the  results  of  the  trip.  Much  hed 
bin  expectid  from  the  vencher,  and  the  expectashuns 
uv  the  Trustees  wuz  riz  to  a  pitch  from  wich  I  felt 
it  wuz  crooil  to  hurl  em.  Therefore  I  dodged  em, 
until  finally,  bein  badgered,  I  thort  I  wood  end  it. 
Hevin  prepared  the  dockyments,  I  named  the  Post 
Offis  ez  the  place,  and  the  mornin  uv  the  ist  instant 
ez  the  time  to  make  an  exhibit  uv  the  receets  and 
expenditoors  uv  the  trip.  Deekin  Pogram,  Colonel 
McPelter,  and  Elder  Slathers  were  promptly  on 
hand,  and  so  wuz  I,  with  the  statement,  wich  I  red 
to  em  ez  follows  :  — 


LAYING  OF  THE  CORNER  STONE.  43 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBT,  Professor  uv  Biblikle  Poli 
ticks,  in  account  ivith  the  Southern  Classikle  and  Military 
Institoot  Fund : 

DR. 

To  cash  uv  Kernel  Abslum  Podgers,  for  self .     .     .  $200  oo 

To  cash  uv  Kernel  Abslum  Podgers,  for  wife       .     .     100  oo 

To  cash  uv  Square  Davis,  proceeds  uv  the  sale  uv 
one  nigger  boy  Jim,  convicted  uv  steelin  a  red 
herrin,  generously  donated 50  oo 

To  cash  uv  Major  Galbreth,  bein  all  he  hed  left  after 
gettin  a  pardon  from  the  President  through  Mrs. 
Cobb i  oo 

To  cash  uv  John  Kessick,  who  encourages  the  Insti 
toot,  intendin  to  come  here  to  start  a  grocery,  ez. 
soon  ez  it  gits  fairly  a  goin 10  oo 

To  cash  uv  divers  and  sundry  persons 20  oo 

Grand  totle $381  oo 

CR. 

By  ralerode  fare,  the  conductors  unanimously  re- 
foosin.to  ded  hed  me  either  in  my  clericle,  offishel 

or  benevolent  character $30  oo 

By  refreshments,  and  meal  after  refreshments     .     .  90 

By  more  refreshments 15 

By  bottle  uv  refreshments  to  use  on  cars    ....  i  50 

By  refreshments  at  station 15 

By  refreshments  at  various  places      .     .          ...  60  oo 

By  board  at  Rawley 60  oo 

By  refreshments  at  Rawley,  wich  comes  high,  bein 

25  cts.  strate 70  oo 

By  livery  hire  in  that  vicinity 90  oo 

By  refreshments  for  self  and  driver,  includin  broken 

axels  and  sich 25  oo 

By  meals  for  self  and  driver 3  oo 

By  fare  back  home,  wich  cost  more  owin  to  my  corn- 
in  a  round  about  way 50  oo 

Grand  totle $390  70 

Leavin  a  balance  in  my  favor  of  $9  30. 


44  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

The  brethren  wuz  somewat  disappointed  at  the 
result,  and  Bascom  intimated  that  he  bleeved  it 
wuz  a  d — d  swindle  ;  but  I  withered  him  with  a 
glance.  I  showed  Deekin  Pogram  that  it  wuz  not 
only  reglar,  but  that  it  hed  the  stamp  uv  the  Post 
Offis  onto  it,  wich  silenced  all  cavil.  I  asshoored 
em  that  that  little  balance  needn't  trouble  em  —  I 
did  not  intend  to  make  an  assessment  onto  em,  but 
that  I  cood  wait  until  the  treasury  wuz  in  funds. 

"  But,"  sed  Bascom,  "  when  in  thunder  will  the 
treasury  ever  be  in  funds,  ef  all  the  expedishuns 
result  like  this  one  ?  " 

I  explained  to  the  obtoose  man  that  it  wuz  all 
rite  ;  that  in  most  uv  sich  enterprises  the  expenses 
eat  up  the  collekshuns,  but  that  it  wuz  seed  sown. 
"  We  must,"  sez  I,  "  raise  the  wind  from  the  North, 
and  to  do  it,  let  us  show  that  suthin  hez  bin  dun." 

"  Wat  kin  we  do?  "  sed  Bascom. 

"Lay  the  corner  stun  uv  the  Institoot?"  sez  I. 
"  On  the  square  forninst  us  is  the  corner  stun  uv  the 
nigger  church  we  burnt  a  month  or  so  ago,  ready  to 
our  hand.  Let  us  organize  a  percession  and  do  it 
to-day,  that  we  may  publish  to  the  world  that  the 
work  is  commenced,  that  our  friends  may  shell  out 
libreller  than  they  hev." 

The  idea  wuz  considered  good,  and  forthwith  it 


LAYING  OF  THE  CORNER  STONE.  45 

wuz  actid  upon.  The  stone  wuz  conveyed  to  the 
feeld  onto  vvich  the  Institoot  is  to  be  built,  and  a 
cavity  wuz  hollered  out  into  it. 

At  4  P.  M.  (wich  is  in  the  afternoon)  a  percession 
wuz  formed,  headed  by  the  Trustees,  and  we  marched 
out  to  the  feeld.  Into  the  cavity  in  the  stun  wuz 
deposited,  with  approprit  ceremonies,  the  followin 
articles  :  — 

A  copy  uv  the  Constooshen  uv  the  Confedrit 
States  uv  America. 

A  copy  uv  the  message  uv  Androo  Johnson  ve- 
toin  the  Freedmen's  Euro  Bill. 

A  copy  uv  the  22d  uv  Febrooary  speech. 

Portrates  uv  the  Trustees. 

A  copy  uv  the  veto  uv  the  Civil  Rites  Bill. 

A  pair  uv  handcuffs. 

Portrates  uv  President  Johnson  and  Secretary 
Seward. 

A  nigger  whip. 

A  $5  greenback  contribbited  for  the  purpose  by 
Elder  Pennibacker. 

A  pint  bottle  uv  wisky,  seeled,  contribbited  by 
Bascom. 

Then  the  stun  wuz  placed  in  posishen ;  a  nigger 
wuz  tied  to  it  and  flogged,  his  blood  bedoozlin  it, 
and  after  a  few  feelin  remarks  by  myself,  in  wich 


46  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

I  stated  that  this  wuz  a  grate  clay  for  the  Corners, 
and  that  posterity  wood  bless  us  for  the  work  we 
hed  that  day  done,  the  crowd  dispersed,  the  Trus 
tees  goin  back  to  my  offis  to  draw  up  a  statement 
uv  the  ceremonies,  and  an  appele  to  the  northern 
Dimocrisy  for  aid. 

The  nigger  wich  we  whipt  at  the  corner  stun  wuz 
shot  in  a  dispoot  by  Capt.  McPelter,  wich  circum 
stances  greatly  annoyed  Deekin  Pogram,  ez  it  wus 
a  nigger  wich  wuz  formerly  hizzen.  He  remon 
strated  with  the  Captain  angrily,  and  ashoord  him 
that  ez  soon  ez  the  Soopreme  Court  hed  declared 
the  Amendment  abolishin  slavery  unconstooshnel, 
he  shood  sue  him  for  his  value.  With  this  triflin 
excepshun,  the  affair  passed  off  ez  pleasantly  ez 
cood  be  wished.  I  remonstrated  with  both  uv  em 
for  quarrelin,  on  sich  a  occasion,  over  so  small  a 
matter  ez  the  shootin  uv  a  nigger,  and  they  finally 
settled  it  without  hard  feelins.  How  sweet  is  peace 
and  friendliness  atween  man  and  man  !  How  blessid 
is  the  offis  uv  a  peace  maker  !  The  captain  acknowl 
edged  he  wuz  wrong,  and  stood  the  drinks  for  the 
crowd. 

That  nite  about  9  P.  M.,  I  wuz  a  sittin  in  my  offis 
a  musin  onto  the  evence  uv  the  day,  and  wonderin 
whether  the  Dimocrisy  wood  give  down,  it  okkured 


LAYING  OF  THE  CORNER  STONE.     47 

to  me  that  there  wuz  a  pint  bottle  uv  first-class  corn 
wisky,  and  $5  in  currency  agoin  to  waste  in  that 
stun. 

"Wat'll  posterity  ever  know  uv  us?"  thot  I  to 
myself.  "  Ef  posterity  does  ever  overturn  that  stun, 
won't  she  git  jest  ez  good  an  idea  uv  who  we  wuz 
from  the  other  articles?  Ef  posterity  ever  reads  the 
speeches  uv  His  Eggslency,  and  the  messages  wich 
we  hev  placed  there,  won't  the  wisky  be  inferred  ? 
Ef  it  ain't,  posterity  is  a  consumate  ass;"  and  thus 
musin,  I  wended  my  way  thitherward,  determined 
to  reskoo  these  two  articles  from  oblivion  any  how. 

It  wuz  pitch  dark,  but  I  knew  the  way.  Creepin 
cautiously  up  to  the  stun,  I  reached  out ;  and  horror  ! 
Ther  wuz  another  hand  onto  it !  Strikin  a  match 
quickly,  there  stood  reveeled  afore  me  the  forms  uv 
Deekin  Pogram,  Bascom,  and  Elder  Slathers,  to 
whom  the  same  thot  hed  occurred  wich  moved  me. 
But  my  presence  uv  mind  did  not  forsake  me. 
Strikin  another  match,  I  assoomed  a  look  uv  virchus 
indignashen,  wich  they  all  saw  afore  it  went  out,  and 
reproacht  em  fur  therworldly-mindednis.  Howcood 
they  expect  the  Institoot  to  prosper  when  those  into 
whose  hands  its  interests  wuz  confided,  proves  re 
creant  to  the  extent  uv  steeling  the  sacred  memen 
toes  wich  were  to-day  enclosed.  "  Go  home,"  sed 


4-S  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

I ;  "  I  forgive  you  this  time,  and  will  not  expose  yoo 
ez  yoo  deserve.  I  spected  yoo  all,  from  the  way  yoo 
eyed  the  bottle  and  the  greenback,  and  hastened 
hither  to  protect  em.  Go  !  " 

And  they  went ;  after  wich  I  tipped  over  the  stun 
and  sekoored  the  prize. 

The  next  mornin  they  all  reproached  me  with 
hevin  stolen  the  articles,  in  privit,  wich  satisfied  me 
that  all  uv  em  hed  gone  back  for  the  plunder  after 
they  thot  I'd  gone  ;  but  they  didn't  make  no  fuss 
about  it.  They  are  all  good  men  ;  but  alas !  sich 
is  the  depravity  uv  human  nacher  that  they'll  bear 
watchin. 

I  await  with  anxiety  the  result  uv  our  appeal  to 
the  Northern  Democrisy.  Ef  they  fail  us  ez  shame 
fully  ez  they  did  durin  the  war,  it  is  all  up  with  us. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY.  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor  uv 
Biblikle  Politicks  in  the  Southern  Classikle  & 
Military  Institoot. 


ESSAYS  A  SERMON. 


49 


VI. 

Mr.  Nasby  essays  a  Sermon^  but  is  interrupted 
by  a  Nigger,  who  is  aided  and  abetted  by  the 
Perverse  Joe  Bigler. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT   X    ROADS  ) 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  V 

Janooarj  10,  1867.      J 

IWUZ  rekested  a  week  ago  to  preech  a  discourse 
from  the  text  wich  the  noble  and  high-minded 
Guvner  Bramlette  used  with  sich  crushin  force  in 
his  last  annual  message,  to  wit :  "  Kin  the  Leopard 
change  his  spots  or  the  Ethiopian  his  skin  ?"  and 
alluz  feelin  anxious  to  do  wat  I  kin  for  the  cause, 
I  did  it  last  nite,  or  rather  essayed  to  do  it. 

And  here  let  me  remark,  that  there  ain't  a  more 
devoted  people  in  Kentucky  than  them  lambs  ez 
compose  my  flock.  It  wuz  a  tetchin  site,  and  one 
wich  filled  my  sole  with  joy,  to  see  em  pour  out  uv 
the  groceries  at  the  first  tootin  uv  the  horn,  and  to 
see  Pennebacker,  wich  owns  the  Distillery,  stop- 
pin  work  to  come,  but  the  most  cheerin  and  en- 
4- 


50  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

couragin  sign  to  me  wuz  to  see  Deekin  Pogram, 
who  was  playin  seven-up  for  the  drinks  with  Elder 
Slathers,  at  Bascom's,  lay  down  his  hand  when 
he  bed  high  low  and  jack  in  it,  and  bed  only  three 
to  go.  "  Elder,"  sed  he,  his  voice  tremblin  at  the 
sacrifice  he  wuz  a  makin,  and  a  tear  steelin  down 
his  cheek,  "  Elder,  them's  the  horn.  Let  us  to  our 
dooties.  'Ligion  must  take  the  front  seat  uv  tem- 
p'ral  matters,"  and  sighin  ez  he  cast  a  partin  glance 
at  his  hand,  he  strode  out  resolootly  to  the  sank- 
tooary. 

I  opened  by  readin  the  follerin  from  Guvner 
Bramlette's  message. 

"  '  The  nigger  is  the  inferior  uv  the  white  — 
he  lacks  the  power  to  rise.  Ontil  the  Leopard  kin 
change  his  spots,  or  the  Ethiopian  his  skin,  all 
efforts  to  repeal  or  nullify  God's  laws  will  be  un- 
availin. 

"  My  bretherin,  these  words  is  words  uv  wisdom, 
and  fur  em  let  us  be  thankful.  The  skin  uv  the 
Ethiopian  wuz  inflicted  onto  him  for  the  express 
purpose  uv  distingishin  him  from  his  bretherin, 
whose  servants  he  wuz  condemned  to  be,  for  all 
time,  ez  a  punishment  for  the  sin  uv  Cain  or  the 
improodence  uv  Ham,  wich  Democratic  divines 
heven't  settled  on.  With  the  black  skin  he  wuz 


ESSAYS  A  SERMON.  51 

given  all  the  other  marks  uv  inferiority.  He  wuz 
cust  with  long  arms,  immense  hands,  flat  nose,  and 
bowed  legs,  and  that  ther  mite  be  no  mistake  in 
the  matter,  he  wuz  given  wool  instead  uv  hair. 
Halleloogy ! 

"  Ah,  my  brethern,  wat  a  blessid  thing  for  us  is 
this  Ethiopian  !  Wat  a  consolation  it  must  be  to 
yoo  all  to  know  that  ther  is  a  race  below  yoo,  and 
how  blessid  the  refleckshun  that  they  can't  change 
ther  skin,  and  by  that  means  git  above  yoo  !  That's 
the  comfort  we  draw  from  the  skripters.  Wat  a 
horror  it  wood  be  for  Deekin  Pogram,  who  is 
snorin  so  peacefly, 

'  Dreamin,  sweetly  dreamin  the  happy  hours  away,' 

ef  when  the  Soopreme  Court  decides  the  Ablishn 
amendment  unconstooshnl,  and  he  gits  his  niggers 
back  agin  ;  ef  ther  shood  be  a  new  dispensashun, 
and  niggers  shood  be  permitted  to  change  ther 
skins !  Wat  sekoority  wood  we  hev  for  our  prop 
erty?  Some  mornin  he'd  wake  up  and  find  em 
all  white  persons,  wich  it  wood  be  unconstooshnel 
to  wollop. 

"  My  brethern,  ther  hez  bin  many  efforts  to 
change  the  skin  uv  the  Ethiopian,  or  rather  ther 
hez  bin  many  who  wanted  to.  The  Boston  Ab- 


52  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

lishnists  hev  tried  it,  but  wat  hez  bin  the  result? 
Ain't  they  niggers  yit,  and  ain't  they  still  the  de 
graded  wretches  they  alluz  wuz?  I  paws  for  a 
reply." 

I  made  this  latter  remark  becoz,  and  only  becoz, 
it  sounded  well,  not  that  I  hed  any  idee  that  any 
body  wood  reply.  Imagine  my  surprise  at  seein  a 
gray-headed  nigger,  wich  hed  bin,  doorin  and  after 
the  fratrisidle  struggle,  employed  in  the  Freedman's 
Burovv,  rise,  and  remark  that  he  hed  a  word  to  say 
onto  that  pint.  There  wuz  a  storm  uv  indignashun, 
and  the  impudent  nigger,  who  wuz  so  sassy  ez  to 
presoom  to  speek  in  a  white  meetin,  wood  hev  bin 
sacrificed  on  the  spot,  hed  not  Joe  Bigler,  who  wuz 
half  drunk,  drawd  a  ugly-lookin  navy  revolver,  and 
remarkin  that  he  knowd  that  nigger,  that  he  hed 
more  sense  than  the  hull  bilin  uv  us,  and  he  shood 
hev  his  say. 

"  Ef,"  sed  this  recklis  Joe,  "  ef  he  beats  yoo,  Per- 
fesser,  trooth  is  trooth ;  lets  hev  it.  Ef  he  don't, 
why,  it's  all  the  better  for  yoo.  Ef  yoor  Webste- 
rian  intelleck  kivers  the  ground,  all  rite ;  ef  his 
ponderous  intellek  gets  the  best  on't,  jist  ez  rite. 
'  Out  uv  the  mouths  uv  babes  and  sucklins.'  Elder, 
I  go  my  bottom  dollar  on  this  sucklin.  Speek  up, 
venerable  :  there  won't  none  uv  em  tech  yoo  ;  "  and 
he  cockt  his  revolver. 


ESSAYS  A  SERMON.  53 

"  Beggin  pardon,"  sed  the  nigger,  "  I  agree  with 
yoo,  Perfesser,  that  the  Ethiopian  can't  change  his 
skin  hisself,  but  does  the  Scripter  say  that  it  can't 
be  changed  for  him  ? " 

"  Anser  the  venrable  babe,"  sed  Joe  Bigler,  pintin 
his  revolver  at  me. 

"  I  can't  say  that  it  does,"  sez  I. 

u  Very  good,"  retorted  the  nigger,  "  hezn't  there 
a  change  bin  a  goin  on  in  Kaintuck  from  the  be- 
ginnin?  My  mother  wuz  ez  black  ez  a  crow  — 
I'm  considble  lighter  —  my  wife's  a  half  lighter  than 
I  am  —  my  gal's  childern  is  a  half  lighter  than  their 
mother,  and  I  want  to  know  wat  Guvner  Bram- 
lette's  got  to  say  to  that.  The  white  man  ain't  got 
no  cuss  onto  him,  hez  he?" 

"  Speek  up  Perfesser  —  the  sucklin  wants  yoo  to 
be  prompt,"  sed  Joe  Bigler. 

I  answered  that  "  he  hed  not  —  that  it  wuz  piled 
onto  Ham  or  Cain  and  their  desendants,  and  no 
body  else." 

"  Very  well,  then,"  sed  the  nigger,  chucklin  all 
over,  "  ez  I  am  only  half  Ham  or  Cain  (wich,  you 
hevn't  decided),  then  uv  coarse  there's  only  half  a 
cuss  onto  me,  only  a  quarter  onto  my  wife,  only  an 
eighth  onto  my  daughters,  only  a  sixteenth  onto  my 
daughters'  childern,  and  there's  lots  uv  niggers  in 


54  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

this  yer  visinity  wat  hezn't  got  the  thirty-sekkund 
or  the  sixty-fouth  part  uv  it  hangin  to  em.  Guvner 
Bramlette  also  sed  suthin  bout  niggers  bein  de 
graded  coz  twuz  their  nacher,  didn't  he,  and  that 
edducashen  woodent  do  for  em  ? " 

"  Perfesser,"  sed  the  tormentin  Bigler,  wich  hed 
just  whisky  enuff  into  him  to  be  ugly,  "  I  must  re 
mind  yoo  that  the  partikeler  babe  and  sucklin,  out 
uv  whose  mouth  yoor  bein  immensely  condemned, 
expex  prompt  ansers,  or  rather  I.  his  guardian  and 
pertecter  do." 

I  ansered  that  sich  wuz  the  tenor  uv  the  Guvner's 
remarks. 

"Ef  that's  troo,  why  don't  the  mulattoes  come 
up  faster?  Ef  it's  the  nateral  stoopidity  uv  the  nig 
ger,  the  white  man  ain't  effected  by  it,  and  the 
mulatto  only  half.  I  are  'quainted  with  the  heft 
uv  the  people  afore  me,  and  I'll  bet  my  last  year's 
wages,  wich  Deekin  Pogram  ain't  paid  yit,  that  half 
uv  em  can't  read  any  mor'n  I  kin.  'Pears  to  me 
I'd  like  to  hev  Guvner  Bramlette  take  the  load  off 
us  for  a  year  two  and  see  whether  wTe'd  rise  or  not. 
We  moutn't  and  then  agin  we  mout.  But  I  ruther 
think  its  a  leetle  too  much  to  put  a  millstone  on  top 
uv  a  man  and  then  kick  him  for  not  gettin  up." 

"  Bully  !  "  sed  Joe  Bigler.     "  Go  on  !  go  on  !  " 


ESSAYS  A  SERMON.  55 

"  It  ain't  just  square  playin  to  make  all  sorts  uv 
laws  agin  our  risin,  to  flog  us  for  hevin  spellin- 
books,  to  make  it  a  penitentiary  offence  to  learn  to 
read,  and  to  burn  our  skool  houses,  and  then  be 
cause  we  ain't  just  ready  to  enter  college,  to  insist 
on't  that  we  are  naterally  incapable.  And  above 
all,  ain't  it  presoomin  a  little  to  charge  it  onto  the 
Lord?  Ain't  yoo  mistakin  your  own  work  for 
hizzen?  Traps  ef  Guvner  Bramlette's  father  hed 
bin  flogg'd  for  wantin  to  learn  to  read,  and  Guvner 
Bramlette's  mother  hed  bin  brought  up  cz  a  feeld 
hand,  and  the  same  strategy  hed  bin  practised  on 
Guvner  Bramlette's  grandfather,  and  great  grand 
father,  and  great,  great  grandfather,  and  great, 
great,  great  grandfather,  and  his  great  — " 

"  Hold  on,  venerable,"  sed  Joe  Bigler,  "  don't 
enumerate.  Jest  say  his  ancestors,  back  to  the 
identicle  time  they  wuz  slaves  to  them  Normans, 
wich  held  his  projenitors  jist  ez  closely  ez  yoo've 
bin  held,  and  it'll  be  suffishent.  But  go  on." 

"  I  plead  guilty  to  the  big  hands,  flat  nose,  and 
bowd  legs.  Possibly  the  first  nigger  hed  em  — 
possibly  not.  Ef  Guvner  Bramlette's  father,  and 
his  grand-fa —  wich  is  to  say  ancestors,  hed  bin 
kept  at  the  hoe,  his  hands  wood  hev  bin  ez  big 
ez  mine ;  ef  they'd  borne  burdens  forever  his  legs 


56  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

wood   be   bowed,  and  ef  ther  noses  bed  bin  per- 
petooally  smasht  hizzen  wood  be  flatter  than  it  is." 

"  Hev  yoo  eny  more  questions  to  put  to  the  Per- 
fesser?"  sed  Joseph. 

"  No,"  replied  the  Ethiopian,  "  I  hev  sed  my 
say." 

"  Then,"  sed  this  Bigler,  wich  wuz  gettin  more 
and  more  reckless  every  minnit,  "  I  dismiss  this  con- 
gregashun,  with  this  remark,  that  that  nigger  is  un 
der  my  protectin  care,  and  ef  a  single  lock  uv  his 
wool  is  disturbed,  I  shel  feel  it  a  sollum  but  painful 
dooty  devolvin  upon  me,  to  put  a  ball  into  the  car 
cass  uv  each  uv  the  offishls  uv  this  Church,  com- 
mencin  with  the  Paster,  and  continuin  all  the  way 
down  to  the  scribe.  Git !  " 

And  pell-mell  the  congregaslien  piled  out  —  one 
over  another. 

It  will  be  necessary  to  dispose  of  Joe  Bigler 
somehow.  He  lost  wat  property  he  hed  in  the 
war,  and  is  becoming  exceedinly  loose  in  his  talk. 
He  can't  be  tolerated  long. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and   likewise  Professor  uv 
Biblikle  Politicks  in  the  Southern  Classikle  & 
Military  Institoot. 


DOES  THE  CORNERS  A  SERVICE.  57 


VII. 

Mr.  Nasby  docs  the  X  Roads  a  Service.  — 
The  Peace  that  reigns  there,  and  the  Cause 
of  it. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
Janooary  20,  1867. 

THERE  is  peace  in  the  Corners!  It  reigns 
here,  it  does,  with  a  sweetnis  onparalleled 
since  the  Nashun  launched  out  onto  the  sea  uv 
trubles,  which  very  near  engulfed  her.  It  comes 
about  thro  me.  Biznis  in  the  Post  Orfis  don't  en 
gross  all  my  time.  It  don't  take  me  very  long  to 
distribbit  the  paper  which  Deekin  Pogram  takes, 
nor  the  cirklers  uv  the  gift  enterprises  which  come 
here  ;  neither  does  it  consoom  much  uv  my  valyoo- 
ble  time  directin  the  letters  enclosin  dollars  back  to 
em,  besides  wThich  a  good  many  uv  em  are  insuf 
ficiently  sealed,  and  the  money  drops  out,  and  bein 
conscientious  to  a  fault,  ez  I  can't  get  em  back  into 
the  right  letters,  why  uv  course  I  don't  send  sich  at 
all.  The  only  trouble  I  hev  is  in  explainin  why  let- 


58  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

ters  containin  such  remittancis  don't  reach  their  des- 
tinashen,  but  that  has  its  rewards.  I  invariably  tell 
em  that  the  managers  uv  the  enterprises  are  ablishn 
Yankees,  and,  uv  course  they'd  be  swindld,  which 
alluz  intensifies  their  rage.  A  batch  uv  em  sent  for 
tickets  to  Crosby's  Opera  House,  which  didn't  reach 
Chicago,  ez  I  wuz  behind  with  my  board,  and  after 
givin  em  the  regular  explanashen,  they  wuz  so 
enraged  at  the  theevin  ablishnists  at  Chicago,  that 
they  sallied  out  and  made  it  lively  for  wat  niggers 
they  met.  I  forget  now,  but  ef  I  remember  right, 
they  hung  two,  or  wuz  it  three?  My  memry  is 
failin. 

But  ez  I  wuz  sayin,  I  hev  plenty  uv  time,  and  I 
put  it  in  mostly  studyin  the  caracteristiks  uv  human 
nacher,  ez  developed  in  men  and  niggers.  While 
contemplatin  a  parsel  uv  niggers  one  day,  I  follered 
em,  and  overheard  their  conversashen.  I  wuz 
astonished  !  They  wuz  notifyin  one  another  uv  a 
meetin  to  be  held  that  nite  in  Pennibacker's  barn,  to 
which  all  wuz  expected  to  be  present.  Here,  thot 
I  to  myself,  is  Guy  Fawkes !  Here  is  conspiracy ! 
Meetin !  Wat  rite  hev  niggers  to  meet !  And  I 
hastened  to  Deekin  Pogram  and  told  him  wat  I  had 
heerd. 

"  Nasby,"  sed  he,  wringin  my  hand,  "  ef  I  ever 


DOES  THE  CORNERS  A  SERVICE.  59 

doubted  the  eternel  fitnis  uv  things  —  the  complete 
and  entire  adaptability  uv  one  class  to  another  — 
that  doubt  is  removed.  Here  am  I,  a  nigger  owner 

—  here  are  yoo,  a  Northern  Dimocrat — a  bloomin 
eggsotic  ez  I  may  say,  wich  hez  took  root  in  Southrn 
sile.     I  never  wood  hev  overherd  them  niggers  !  — 
no   Southner  wood   hev  thot  uv   sneakin  after  em 

—  for  all  sich  work  the  Northern  Dimocrat  is  pre 
cisely  fitted.      It's  wat  they've  alluz   done  for  us ! 
alluz!  alluz!  alluz!" 

And  he  wrung  my  hand  again,  and  thanked  me. 
I  wuz  too  much  overcome  with  emoshen  at  the 
compliment  he  paid  me  to  reply.  But  we  arranged 
the  programme.  We  went  to  the  barn,  and  over 
turned  a  wagon  so  ez  we  cood  git  under  it  and  heer 
all  that  wuz  sed  without  bein  seen,  and  jest  at  nite- 
fall  the  Deekin  and  me  ensconsd  ourselves  in  our 
hidin  place. 

The  niggers  gathered,  praps  thirty  on  em,  and 
opened  the  meetin  with  prayer,  in  which  exercise 
they  lied  the  profanity  to  pray  for  the  Government 
uv  the  Yoonited  States  and  sich,  and  then  the  biznis 
commenst.  It  appears  that  the/d  sent  a  man  North 
to  find  a  locashen  for  em,  ez  they  hed  made  up  their 
minds  to  run  away  from  the  blessins  uv  slavery  wich 
we  are  preparin  to  re-open  to  em,  and  this  nigger 


60  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

bed  arrived,,  and  they  wuz  assembled  to  hear  his 
report. 

"  Brother  Lee,"  sed  the  ringleader  to  the  returned 
nigger,  wich  I  knowd  —  he  wuz  nearly  white,  and 
wuz  raised  in  Virginia,  and  hed  bin  four  years  in 
the  army,  on  the  Fedral  side  uv  course,  —  "  are  yoo 
ready  to  report?  Hev  yoo  found  the  Promised 
Land?" 

Brother  Lee  replied,  that  ef  he  understood  wat 
wuz  the  Ethiopian  idee  uv  the  "  Promised  Land," 
he  cood  safely  and  certainly  say  that  he  hedn't. 
He  landed  first  in  Philadelphy,  and  bein  sumwat 
weaned  by  the  long  ride,  he  took  a  seat  in  a  street 
car  which  wuz  empty.  The  condukter  ordered  him 
out,  but  sposin  he  wuz  in  a  State  where  there  wuz 
ekal  rites  he  insisted  on  stayin,  when  the  condukter 
and  the  driver  bundled  him  out  by  force.  His  coat, 
he  observed,  showin  wher  the  bloo  blouse  hed  bin 
onskilfully  mendid,  wuz  sumwat  fraktered  in  the 
skuffle. 

At  this  narrashen  the  niggers  groaned,  and  it 
wuz  all  I  cood  do  to  keep  the  Deekin  from  hollerin 
halleloogy  ! 

In  Noo  York  State  he  didn't  fare  so  well.  He 
diskivered  that  a  decent  nigger  there  isn't  quite  ez 
good  ez  a  very  ordinary  white  man.  He  happened 


DOES  THE  CORNERS  A  SERVICE.  61 

ther  on  'leckshin  day,  and  narrated  that  he  saw 
white  men  carried  up  to  the  poles  so  eggstremely 
drunk  that  them  ez  hed  em  in  charge  hed  to  put 
the  ticket  atween  their  fingers  and  anser  to  their 
names,  while  a  'spectable  nigger  hed  to  show  that 
he  wuz  worth  some  property  afore  he  wuz  allowed 
to  vote,  and  then  a  number  uv  gentlemen  with  red 
faces  and  clubs  made  it  so  onpleasant  that  but  few 
attempted  it. 

The  Deekin  punched  me  in  the  ribs  vociferously. 

Next  he  went  to  Ohio,  sposin,  uv  course,  that  a 
State  so  extremely  opposed  to  bondage  wood  be 
the  place  he  wuz  in  search  uv.  Agin  he  wuz  dis 
appointed.  It  wuz  worse  than  it  wuz  in  Noo  York, 
for  the  Ablishnists  wuz  a  going  on  the  principle,  he 
rather  guessed,  uv  doin  justis  without  runnin  agin 
anybody's  prejudises  ;  or  rather,  uv  lettin  justice  do 
herself,  for  they  don't  make  any  move  towards  help- 
in  her.  There  the  nigger  uv  no  grade,  no  matter 
how  much  he  pade  taxes  onto,  or  how  long  he 
served  in  the  army,  wuzn't  allowed  a  vote.  The 
Ablishinists,  ez  he  understood,  tho  praps  he  wuz 
wrong,  carried  the  state  on  the  nigger  question,  but 
wuz  now  afrade  to  tetch  it  for  fear  they'd  lose  it 
agin.  They've  hed  it,  he  remarked,  12  years,  but 


62  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

hedn't,  ez  yit,  got  all  the  people  edjicated  up  to  the 
pint  uv  doin  wat  all  the  people  knowd  wuz  rite. 

His  experience  in  the  West  wuz  very  similar. 
The  Ablishnists  wuz  everywhere  very  strongly  in 
the  majority,  and  every  wim  uv  'em  he  talked  with 
wuz  in  favor  of  givin  the  nigger  his  rites,  but  they 
wuz  all  afraid  ef  they  took  hold  uv  it,  they'd  be  laid 
out  by  the  Democracy,  which  wuznt  in  the  majority 
at  all.  In  Washinton,  wher  Congress  hez  give  the 
niggers  a  vote,  he  wuz  well  treated,  and  it  wuz  the 
only  place.  A  gentleman  who  wants  to  run  for 
Mayor  next  spring  giv  him  his  dinner,  and  quite  a 
number  of  others  who  wanted  small  offises  did  like 
wise,  but  he  woodent  advise  emigrashen  there,  for 
the  reason  that  ther  wuz  too  many  there  now  ;  and 
besides  it's  possible  that  before  the  next  elecshun 
Congress  may  conclude  that  suffrage  in  the  Dee- 
strick  will  run  'em  into  the  ground  in  the  States 
(their  constituents,  which  are  all  Ablishnists,  not 
bein  edjucated  up  to  the  pint),  and  repeel  it. 

The  Deekin  nudged  me  agin. 

"Wat  shel  we  do?"  then  sed  the  niggers,  all  in 
korious. 

"  Do  !  "  sed  the  nigger,  wich  his  name  it  wuz  Lee, 
"  do !  grin  and  bear  it  wher  yoo  are.  Ez  fo'  me, 


DOES  THE  CORNERS  A  SERVICE.  63 

ef  I  bed  my  five  yeahs  back  agin  I  shood  do  dif- 
frent.  Liberty  is  a  gift  boss,  wich,  ef  dis  niggah 
bed  it  to  do  ober  agin,  be  wood  look  in  de  mouth, 
shoah.  I  shood  want  to  know  whedder,  I  bein  a 
beggar,  ef  I  mounted  it  I  sboodent  ride  to  de  devil. 
When  I  turned  agin  Massa,  and  went  into  de  servis. 
I  wuz  promised  ef  I  behabed  like  a  man  I  shood 
be  counted  a  man.  I  behabed  like  a  man,  but  wat 
now?  Dar's  de  cibbel  rites  bill,  which  reads  good, 
but  wha's  de  sogers  to  put  it  froo  ?  Dar's  all  sorts 
ob  laws,  but  wha's  de  yoose  ob  em  so  long  ez  no- 
boddy  pays  any  tenshun  to  em?  I  go  Norf,  wha  de 
Ablishnists  hab  eberyting  dab  own  way,  and  I  find 
de  niggah  is  ez  bad  off  dah  ez  he  is  heah,  coz  de 
Ablishnis,  wich  is  de  champions  uv  ekal  rites,  ain't 
eddicated  up  to  de  pint  uv  bustin  unekal  laws.  We 
can't  stay  heah  and  git  our  rites  —  we  can't  go  dah, 
coz  ebry  wun  ob  em  will  tell  yoo  his  nabor  ain't 
eddicated  up  to  de  pint  ob  doin  anything  but  holdin 
de  offises,  and  passin  resolooshens  dat  dey  bleeve  in 
de  principles  ob  de  Declarashen  ob  Independence, 
wrich  principles  reed  bery  well,  but  wat  good  is 
dey  to  me  ef  dey  ain't  acted  up  to?  Fo'  fo'pence 
I'd  go  hang  myself." 

They  had  other  talk,  and  finally  t>roke  up,  endin 
with   a  prayer,   the   burden   uv  wich   wuz  that  the 


64  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

good  Lord  wood  find  some  way,  wat  they  didn't 
care,  to  eddicate  their  friends  North  up  to  the  pint. 

Ez  soon  ez  they  wuz  gone  the  Deekin  and  I 
crawled  out  from  under  the  wagon,  and  I  must  say 
the  old  gentleman  surprised  me.  Dashin  his  hat 
down  on  the  ground,  he  execooted  one  uv  the  most 
frantic  Highland  flings  my  eyes  ever  witnist.  It 
astonished  me  to  see  how  recklis  the  old  man  wuz 
with  his  legs.  Finally,  out  uv  breath,  he  subsided 
with  a  prolonged  shreek  uv  exultant  joy. 

''Why  so  jubilant,  my  venerable  friend?"  sed  I. 

"  Nasby,"  sed  he,  "  it's  better  than  I  hoped  for. 
The  Ablishnists  bar  em  out  —  they  ain't  eddikated 
up  to  the  pint,  and  they  drive  em  away.  They 
make  distinkshuns,  and  when  the  nigger's  distinkted 
aginst  in  part,  he's  precisely  the  material  uv  which 
to  make  a  servant  unto  his  brethren.  Ef  the  nigger 
can't  git  all  his  rites  in  the  North,  he'd  better  be 
without  any  uv  em  in  the  South.  Up  ther  he  hez 
all  the  cussitood  uv  bein  a  free  man,  without  any 
uv  the  indoosements  ;  down  here,  ef  he  ain't  got  any 
uv  the  blessins  uv  freedom  he  ain't  any  uv  the  re 
sponsibilities.  The  nigger,  uv  course,  will  stay  — 
he'd  be  a  cussed  fool  ef  he  didn't.  Bless  the  Lord 
for  the  Ablishnists  wat  ain't  eddikated  up  to  the 
pint !  " 


DOES  THE  CORNERS  A  SERVICE.  65 

And  the  blessed  old  lunatic  execooted  another 
Highland  fling  onto  his  hat.  Sharin  his  enthoo- 
siasm,  ez  I  alluz  do  everybody's  I  meet,  that  I  may 
share  whatever  else  they  hev,  we  went  to  Bascom's, 
wher,  before  we  separated,  we  wuz  eddikated  up  to 
a  pint,  and  considerable  more.  Bascom  carried  the 
Deekin  home  on  a  wheelbarrer,  at  a  little  past  one. 
PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor  uv 
Biblikle  Politicks  in  the  Southern  Classikle  & 
Military  Institoot. 

5 


66  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


VIII. 

An  Important  Case  at  the  Corners  under  the 
Vagrant  Act.  —  The  Decisions  of  Squire 
Gavitt. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
Janooary  28,  1867. 

WUN  uv  the  most  important  cases  —  impor 
tant  in  a  nationaj  sense  —  ever  tried  afore 
a  court  uv  justis,  came  off  afore  Squire  Gavitt  at 
the  court-house,  at  the  Corners  yesterday.  It  was 
important,  becoz  it  involved  the  very  eggistence  uv 
the  institution  upon  wich  Kentucky  is  built  —  becoz, 
upon  its  decision  hung  the  question  whether  or  not 
the  Bible  shood  be  respectid  and  its  holy  injunctions 
obeyed  —  whether  Kentucky  shood,  clingin  to  the 
Skripters,  go  on  ez  a  Christian  State,  or  denyin  it, 
go  back  into  infidelity  and  barbarism.  I  scasely 
need  say  that  the  porshens  uv  the  Bible  to  wich  I 
refer,  is  the  ever  blessid  chapters  relatin  to  Ham, 
Hager,  and  Onesimus  —  the  only  parts  of  the  Skrip- 


CASE  UNDER  THE  VAGRANT  ACT.       67 

ter  we  pay  much  attention  to.  But  ef  them  is  at 
tacked  successfully,  wat  follows?  The  entire  struk- 
ter  comes  tumblin  to  the  ground.  Therefore,  holdin 
to  Aferkin  slavery,  we  are  orthodox  believers. 

The  circumstances  uv  the  case  wuz  suthin  like 
this :  A  nigger  uv  the  name  uv  Gabriel,  wunst  the 
happy  and  contented  servant  uv  that  eminent  Chris 
tian,  Deekin  Pogram,  becum  possessed  uv  the  spirit 
uv  the  devil,  and  sullen,  becoz  the  Deekin  sold  his 
wife  to  raise  the  means  to  send  his  second  son, 
Isaker,  wich  wuz  a  studyin  for  the  ministry,  to  a 
Theolojikle  Institoot,  somewheres  in  Georgia  ;  and 
also  enraged  becoz  his  female  offspring,  Elizer,  hap- 
penin  to  attrack  the  attenshun  uv  his  eldest  son, 
Elijer,  he  run  away  in  the  fust  year  uv  the  war,  and 
follered  the  Federal  army,  finally  enlisting  as  a  sojer. 
Durin  the  progress  uv  the  struggle,  he  learned  to 
read,  and  bein  powerful  in  prayer  and  sich,  he 
headed  a  revival,  and  hevin  gifts  that  way,  attracted 
the  notis  uv  Genril  Howard,  or  some  uv  them  fa 
natics,  who  hed  him  instructed,  and  finally  made 
him  an  agent  uv  a  branch  uv  that  accursid  Freed- 
men's  Burow ;  and  sure  enufT,  after  the  war,  he 
appeared  in  this  vicinity,  salaried  by  the  society,  and 
commenst  unfittin  the  niggers  for  their  normal  con- 
dishun  by  teechin  on  em  to  read,  and  establishin 


68  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

Sunday  skools  among  em,  and  givin  em  advice  gen 
erally,  wich  wuz  aginst  the  dignity  and  peace  uv 
the  commonwealth.  The  citizens  stood  it  with  the 
pashense  carakteristik  uv  the  people  uv  Kentucky 
ontil  last  Monday.  The  Deekin  hed  a  dispoot  with 
a  nigger  relativ  to  a  triflin  matter  uv  wages.  The 
nigger  hed  bin  workin  at  the  stipulated  price  uv  $4 
per  month  —  the  Deekin  brought  in,  ez  a  offset,  his 
board  at  $2  per  week  ;  and  ruther  than  hev  any  fuss 
about  it,  proposed  to  let  him  work  the  balance  out 
durin  the  winter  months.  To  this  ekitable  arrange 
ment  the  nigger  demurred,  holdin  that  board  wuz 
inclooded,  and  this  Gabrel  advised  the  nigger  to  sue, 
and  he  did  so. 

Enraged  at  his  interference,  the  Deekin  went 
before  Square  Gavitt,  and  complained  of  Gabrel  ez 
a  vagrant,  and  employed  me  to  attend  to  the  case. 
Pollock,  the  Illinoy  storekeeper,  volunteered  to  de 
fend  the  nigger,  and  there  wuz  a  tremenjus  eggsite- 
ment  over  it. 

I  opened  the  case  by  stating  that  the  nigger's 
biznis  wuz  to  prove  that  he  hed  vizable  means  uv 
support  :  Pollock  insisted  that  it  wuz  our  biznis 
to  prove  that  he  hedn't,  but  the  court  decided  agin 
him. 

The  nigger  then  swore  that  he  reseeved  from  his 


DECISIONS  OF  SQUIRE  GAVITT.  69 

congregashen  $30  per  month  for  services.  I  sub 
mitted  that,  ez  he  \vuz  a  interested  party,  other 
proof  wood  be  required.  Pollock  interdoost  the 
elders  of  the  congregashen,  but  I  checkmated  him 
there,  by  submittin  that  the  testimony  uv  niggers 
wuzn't  admissable,  wich  the  court  decided  it  wuzn't. 

Immejitly  Pollock  submitted  that  whether  or  no 
his  client  coodent  be  considered  a  vagrant,  ez  he 
cood  testify  himself  to  the  fact  that  he  (Gabrel)  hed 
ih  his  house  $200  in  greenbax  —  a  suffishent  sup- 
gprt  for  a  time,  at  least. 

Ther  wuz  a  immense  eggscitement  in  the  court. 

"  Wher  duz  he  keep  it?  "  asked  the  Squire,  visibly 
agitated. 

"  In  his  chist  at  the  house  wher  he  boards,"  sed 
Pollock. 

"  This  court  stands  adjourned  for  thirty  minits," 
sed  the  Squire,  boundin  over  the  railin  in  front 
uv  him.  "  Hold  on,"  sez  he  ;  "  hold  on,  Deekin  ; 
a  fair  start  is  all  I  want.  Don't  take  advantage  uv 
my  age  to  get  ther  first,"  and  pell-mell  over  one 
another  the  entire  audience,  ceptin  Pollock,  the  nig 
ger,  and  me,  started  on  a  keen  run  for  the  house. 
In  a  few  minits  they  returned,  pantin  and  out  uv 
breath,  when  the  Squire  called  the  court  to  order 
agin,  wich  bein  restored,  he  remarked, — 


70  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

Ef  it  cood  be  established  that  the  nigger  hed 
$200  in  greenbax  it  wood  nessessarily  discharge 
him,  ez  no  man  with  that  sum  cood  be  considered 
a  vagrant ;  but  he  thot  ef  the  prizner  at  the  bar 
shood  look  in  the  direckshun  uv  his  house,  he'd  find 
it  wuzn't  ther  any  more,  ez  a  house,  the  materyal  uv 
wich  it  wuz  built  wuz  lyin  permiskus.  Likewise, 
probably,  he  wooodn't  be  able  to  find  the  $200  he 
hed  in  his  chist.  The  place  that  knowd  it  wunst 
will  know  it  no  more  forever  —  it  hed  been  confis 
cated  by  the  enraged  citizens.  He  wantid  it  under 
stood  that  no  such  triflin  impediment  in  the  way  uv 
justis  ez  the  possession  uv  $200  cood  be  allowed 
wuthin  the  jurisdickshen  uv  this  court.  The  nigger 
not  bein  able  to  prove  his  means  uv  support,  and 
ez  the  court  knowed  uv  its  own  knollege  that  he 
ain't  now  got  any  $200,  the  court  wood  ask  the 
criminal's  counsel  wat  other  nonsense  he  hez  to 
plead. 

Sed  Pollock,  the  Illinoy  storekeeper,  — 

"  I  wood  beg  leave  to  state  to  this  court  that, 
under  the  Civil  Rites  law,  the  defendant  cannot  be 
arrested  ez  a  vagrant,  ez  the  law  under  wich  the 
accused  is  arrested  only  menshuns  persons  uv  color, 
makin  a  distinkshen  agin  em." 

Never,  while  memry  retains  her  seat,  shel  I  for- 


DECISIONS  OF  SOJJIRE  GAVITT.  71 

get  the  scene  that  ensood.  Filled  with  a  sense  uv 
the  responsibility  restin  onto  him,  the  Squire  rose 
slowly  from  his  seat,  his  face  uv  a  deathly  palenis, 
wich  hed  the  effeck  uv  hightnin,  by  contrast,  the 
intense  rednis  uv  his  nose,  and  risin  to  his  full  hite, 
remarked  that  the  court  hed  expectid  that  objeck- 
shen  to  be  urged,  and  hed,  therfore,  prepared  fur  it. 
That  law  doesn't  bind  this  court  to  any  alarmin  ex 
tent,  considerin  it  ez  infringin  onto  the  reserved  rites 
uv  the  States. 

"  Will  the  court  be  so  good  ez  to  menshun  for  the 
informashun  uv  the  populace,  wat  the  reserved  rites 
uv  the  States  are  ?  "  sez  Pollock. 

"  The  court  insists  that  it  shel  not  be  interruptid 
when  it's  deliverin  itself  uv  an  opinion.  Considerin 
it  ez  infringin  upon  the  reserved  rites  uv  the  States, 
uv  whom  Kentucky  is  the  cheefest  and  the  loveliest 
among  ten  thousand  "  —  at  this  pint  his  nose  glowd 
redder,  and  it  seemed  to  me  ez  tho  a  halo  uv  lite 
encirkled  his  frosty  head,  ez  he  fearlessly  continued 
—  "  the  court  holds  that  law  to  be  unconstooshnel, 
and  ez  sich,  shel  not  regard  it.  Hez  the  counsel 
anythin  more  to  remark?  " 

"  Nothin,"  sed  Pollock.  "  And  knowin  the  court 
so  well  ez  I  do,  I  wonder  at  my  makin  sich  an  ass 
uv  myself  ez  to  hev  remarkt  anything  at  all." 


72  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

"  Hez  the  counsel  for  the  State  anything  to  say?" 

"  Nothin,"  sed  I.  "  I  am  willin  to  trust  the  case 
in  yoor  hands,  feelin  confident  that  justis  —  genooine 
Kentucky  justis  —  will  be  done." 

Wareupon  the  Squire  hed  the  prizner  stand  up, 
and,  drawin  on  a  black  cap,  in  a  very  impressive 
manner,  sentenst  him  to  eighteen  months  hard 
labor,  breakin  stone  for  the  turnpike,  wich  we  are 
buildin  from  the  Corners  to  the  stashen,  at  the  con- 
klushen  uv  wich  Pollock  very  profanely  added, 
"  And  may  the  Lord  hev  mercy  on  your  sole." 

The  nigger  wuz  immejitly  stript  uv  his  good  close, 
wich  the  Squire  thot  wood  just  fit  him,  and  a  soot 
uv  vagrant's  close  wuz  given  him,  and  he  wuz  to- 
wunst  put  to  his  labor. 

We  hev  hopes  that  this  will  end  the  nigger  skools 
in  this  vicinity,  ez  well  ez  the  diskontent  that  hez 
eggisted  among  the  niggers  ever  since  the  disturbin 
Gabrel  hez  bin  here.  The  Corners  is  now  enjoyin 
a  holy  calm  —  more  so  than  any  period  for  a  month. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich   is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor  uv 
Biblikle  Politicks  in  the  Southern  Classikle  £ 
Military  Institoot. 


A   McCRACKEN   MISSION.  73 


IX. 


Mr.  Nasby  is  despatched  by  the  President  and 
Secretary  Sc-ward  upon  an  important  Mission, 
similar  in  its  Nature  to  that  of  Mr.  McCracken. 
—  His  Report. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS      1 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),   > 
Febrooary  n,  1867.      ) 

IT  wuz  a  crooel  necessity,  after  all,  wich  druv  me 
into  the  serv'is  uv  His  Eggslency  A.  Johnson. 
Crooel,  I  say ;  for  whenever  he  hez  a  partikelerly 
mean  piece  uv  work  to  perform,  suthin  so  inexpres 
sibly  sneakin  that  Seward  nor  Randall  won't  under 
take  it,  they  alluz  send  for  me.  Welles  is  alluz 
willin ;  but  while  he  hez  the  disposishen  to  do  any 
thing  in  the  line,  he  lax  the  ability.  The  uthers, 
however,  hev  the  ability  to  do  anythin  and  the  dis 
posishen  to  do  most  things,  and  therfore  I  hev  bin 
employed  in  only  eggstreme  cases. 

The  success  wich  attended  McCracken's  mishun, 
cndin  ez  it  did  in  the  resinin  uv  Motley,  stimyoo- 


74  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

lated  Seward  to  prossekute  similar  researches  into 
the  actooal  opinions  uv  the  home  krop  uv  offisers 
regardin  him,  and  his,  ez  well  ez  my  sooperior,  A. 
Johnson.  Randall  wuz  applied  to  to  take  a  tour 
among  Post  Masters  and  sich.  He  declined  the 
mishen  indignantly,  with  the  remark,  "  Is  thy  ser 
vant  a  dog,  or  the  son  uv  a  dog,  that  he  shood 
do  this  thing?"  And  ez  Welles  isn't  trusted  out 
uv  Washinton  any  more,  I  wuz  sent  for. 

The  biznis  required  uv  me  wuz  statid  by  Seward 
in  his  yoosual  loocid  style.  It  wuz  merely  to  cirke- 
late  incognito  (wich  is  Latin  for  sneakin)  among 
the  recently  appinted  offis-holders,  and  assertain 
ther  views  upon  general  politikle  topics,  but  more 
espeshally  ther  feelins  toward  the  President  and  Sek- 
retary  uv  State.  Jest  ez  I  wuz  startin,  not  at  all 
pleased  with  the  mishen,  Welles  put  in  his  oar. 
He  wuz  agoin  to  give  me  instrucshuns  ez  to  wat  I 
wuz  to  do.  Welles  is  a  lunatik  I  never  cood  abide, 
and  I  felt  it  my  dooty  to  wither  him.  Transfixin 
the  venerable  Sekretary  with  wun  uv  my  most  pier- 
cenist  gazes,  I  remarked,  —  "Sir!  in  imitashen  uv 
the  man  who  inflicted  yoo  upon  this  country,  wich 
wuz  not  the  least  uv  his  acts  for  wich  the  country 
cusses  him,  I  propose  relatin  a  little  anecdote.  Ther 
wuz  wunst  a  man  who  wuz  inebriatid  ;  and  that  he 


A    McCRACKEN    MISSION. 


75 


might  present  hissclf  in  a  state  approximatin  so 
briety  to  the  pardner  uv  his  buzzum,  he  \vuz  essayin 
to  vomit,  try  in  thus  to  ease  his  stumick  uv  the  cause 
uv  the  onpleasantnis  therin  ;  but  he  coodent  do  it. 
He  heaved  and  heaved,  but  there  wuz  no  result. 
At  this  critikle  period  another  man  approacht,  who 
remarked,  kindly,  that  ef  he  desired  to  vomit,  his 
best  holt  wood  be  to  run  his  finger  down  his  throat. 
The  drunk  individooal  looked  up  indignant  at  this 
unwarranted  interference  with  his  constooshnel  rites. 
4  Blast  yoor  eyes,  sir,'  sed  he,  '  are  yoo  or  me  bossin 
this  yer  puke? ' 

"  This,  Sekretary  Welles,  is  the  anecdote.  I 
respeck  the  posishun  yoo  hold,  and  dislike  sayin 
anythin  disagreeable  ;  but,  sir,  this  is  a  puke,  and 
I  perpose  to  boss  it  myself." 

I  startid  to-wunst,  and  found  things  in  a  highly 
mixed  condition.  The  followin  is  compiled  from 
my  reports  :  In  Noo  York  the  Postmasters  generally 
are  sound.  The  crops  wer  poor  last  year ;  and  all 
kinds  uv  biznis  bein  dull,  the  Postmasters  are  gen 
erally  anxious  to  hold  on.  They  are,  therefore,  out 
spoken  in  their  support  uv  the  coz.  Them  ez  wuz 
men  uv  good  standin  and  relijusly  inklined,  before 
the  rupcher  between  the  President  and  the  party 
wich  redoost  him,  say  but  very  little  in  publick, 


76  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

and  that  little  they  don't  say  very  long.  They  gen 
erally  can't  see  that  ther  is  any  partikeler  differense 
between  the  President's  plan  and  the  plan  uv  Con 
gress,  and  ther  bein  so  little,  Congress  ought  to  yeeld 
for  the  sake  uv  peace.  The  Dimokrats,  holdin  sich 
places,  are  loud  enough  in  support  uv  the  Admin- 
istrashen  ;  but,  good  Heaven !  the  endorsement  uv 
sich  men  is  too  heavy  a  load  for  any  party  to  carry. 
Now,  that  I  think  uv  it,  I  hev  at  last  solved  the  mys 
tery  uv  our  wide-spread  defeat  last  fall.  In  some 
deestricks  the  Dimocrisy  found  Johnson  too  heavy 
a  load  to  carry,  and  in  the  balance  the  Johnson  men 
found  the  Dimokrisy  too  heavy  a  load  to  carry. 

In  Ohio,  the  first  place  I  stopt  at  wuz  Oberlin, 
the  place  where  the  nigger  college  is  located  at.  I 
regret  to  say  that  the  Postmaster  at  that  pint  is  a 
rantin  Ablishnist ;  and  in  the  two  hours  I  wuz  ther, 
I  coodent  find  a  Conservative  Republikin  who  wood 
take  it.  I  got  one  nearly  perswadid  ;  but  jest  ez  he 
wuz  about  to  consent,  his  wife  fell  a  weepin  onto 
his  buzzum,  and  with  tetchin  pathos  wantid  to  kno 
ef  he  wuz  willin,  for  sich  small  pay,  to  leave  sich  a 
tarnisht  name  to  the  four  children  now  born  to  em 
and  the  wun  wich  wuz  expectid?  He  repentid  and 
refoosed.  I  didn't  investigate  ez  fully  ez  I  might, 
for  ther  ain't  a  drop  uv  likker  sold  ther ;  and  ez  my 


A  McCnACKEN  MISSION.  77 

flask  give  out,  I  felt  that  doo  considerashen  for  my 
health  woodent  permit  my  stayin  another  hour.  I 
recommend  the  abolishen  uv  the  office,  or  the  estab 
lishment  uv  a  grosery,  with  a  bar  in  the  back  room, 
ez  a  nukleus  around  vvich  the  Dimocrisy  kin  rally. 

The  next  place  I  cum  to  I  found  the  Postmaster 
a  suspishus  caracter  —  very  suspishus.  Whenever 
he  is  drunk  he  speaks  very  highly  uv  the  Sekretary 
uv  State,  but  when  sober  he  avoids  politikle  matters. 
I  sejest  a  raise  in  the  salary  uv  the  offis,  that  he  kin 
afford  to  keep  drunk  all  the  time. 

At  the  next  pint  I  interdoost  myself  ez  a  English 
nobleman  in  disguise,  studyin  Amerikin  manners 
and  customs,  and  menshund  carelessly  that  I  hed 
bin  to  Washinton,  and  hed  bin  presentid  to  the 
President  and  Sekretary  uv  State.  The  Postmaster 
wuz  vizably  affectid.  Glancin  furtively  around  to 
see  that  no  one  wuz  lookin,  he  remarked  in  a  low 
tone  :  "  My  deer  sir,  don't,  I  beg  uv  yoo,  form  yoor 
idea  uv  the  public  men  uv  Ameriky  from  them  spe 
cimens.  Don't,  I  beg.  The  first,  sir,  is  a  accident 
—  sich  a  man  cood  never  hev  bin  made  on  purpose. 
The  second  wuz  suthin,  in  his  earlier  years ;  but 
now,  sir,  now  —  he's  a  degradid  old  man,"  and  he 
busted  into  tears.  "  Bein  determind  to  hold  onto 
his  place,  he  tried  at  fust  to  bring  the  President,  by 


78  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

accident,  up  to  his  level ;  but  that  bein  impossible, 
he  deliberately  let  hisself  down  to  the  level  uv  the 
President,  and  the  distance,  sir,  wuz  so  great,  the 
Sekretary  bein  suthin,  that  the  shock,  sir,  undoubt 
edly  knockt  his  intelleck  out  uv  him,  for  he  ain't 
displayed  any  since.  He  literally  fell  among  thieves. 
May  the  Lord  forgive  Willyum  H.  Seward  for  the 
shipwreck  he  made  uv  his  reputashen,  for  —  " 

At  this  pint  the  poor  man  stopt.  I  happened  to 
pull  out  my  hankercher,  and  in  doin  so  dropt  upon 
the  floor  a  piece  uv  paper,  wich  he  seed.  It  read : 

"  PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  Dr. 
"  To  G.  BASCOM. 
"  To  drinks  doorin  the  month   uv  Janooary  at  10 

cents  per  drink $3°  °°  " 

He  looked  at  my  face,  and  seem  that  that  bill 
reely  b'longed  to  me,  fell  faintin  onto  the  floor, 
shreekin,  "  I'm  McCrackened." 

I  leave  the  case  in  the  hands  uv  the  Cabinet. 
It's  aggravatin. 

Another  man  openly  defied  me.  He  wantid  me 
to  take  the  offis  oft'  uv  his  hands.  His  children,  he 
sed,  wuz  made  mouths  at  and  skoffed  at,  at  skool, 
becoz  ther  father,  wich  hed  bin  a  Republikin,  held 
a  Fedral  offis,  and  his  wife  wuz  defected  for  Presi 
dent  uv  the  Sewin  Sosiety,  a  posishen  she  hed  alluz 


A  McCRACKEN  MISSION.  79 

held,  on  the  same  akkount.  He  bed  stood  it  long 
enuff.  Ef  he  coodcnt  git  it  off  his  hands,  he'd  com 
mit  sooicide,  and  by  thus  puttin  hisself  out  uv  the 
way  make  his  abuzed  family  the  only  reparashen  in 
his  power.  I  sejest  that  he  be  removed.  Sich  talk 
may  be  safely  set  down  ez  incendiary. 

Another  hed  the  highest  possible  opinion  uv  the 
President,  and  worshipt  the  Secretary.  He  consid 
ered  his  plan  uv  reconstruction  the  best  wich  cood 
hev  bin  devised  by  mortal  wisdom.  He  hed  vainly 
striven  to  git  a  nominashen  for  an  offis  from  the 
Republikin  party  for  years,  but  failed,  owin  to  a  lack 
uv  confidence.  He  wood  have  jined  the  Democ 
racy  ;  but  ez  they  wuz  hopelessly  in  the  minority,  it 
woodent  hev  helped  him.  He  considered  Johnson's 
idea  uv  fillin  the  offisis  with  Republikins  bully,  ther 
bein  so  few  uv  that  persuasion  who'd  take  em,  and 
he  didn't  want  any  accessions  to  the  party. 

Ther  wuz  now  jist  enuff  to  hold  the  offisis  in  con 
trol  uv  the  President,  and  them  wuz  all  the  offisis 
they  cood  git  any  how.  I  sejest  that  he  be  contin- 
yood.  He  isn't  discreet ;  but  we  can't  expect  all 
the  virchoos  at  so  small  a  price.  None  uv  us  is 
perfeck  —  I  spose  I  hev  my  failins. 

I  shell  continyoo  my  investigashens,  tho  it  is 
dredful  try  in  labor.  Goin,  ez  I  do,  thro  Abolition 


8o  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

sections,  I  hev  to  carry  my  own  whiskey  ;  and  ez  sad 
experience  hez  demonstrated,  quart  flasks  won't  do. 
Sometimes  I  hev  to  lay  in  one  uv  them  towns  for 
three  hours.  I  respeckfully  submit,  that  arrange 
ments  be  made  for  the  transportashen  uv  a  keg  uv 
sustenance  to  accompany  me  ;  otherwise,  I  shel 
peremptorily  resine.  At  my  time  uv  life  my  regeler 
supplies  is  necessary. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich   is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor  uv 

Biblikle  Politicks  in   the   Southern   Classikle 

&  Military  Institoot. 


SCHOOL  BOOKS  FOR  THE  SOUTH.     Si 


x. 


Mr.  Nasby's  Board  commence  the  Compilation  of  a 
Series  of  School  Books  for  the  "  Institoot"  and 
the  South  generally,  but  are  thwarted  by  the 
perverse  Joe  Bigler. 


yO>  \ 

r.     J 


POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
Febrooary  20,  1867. 

THE  Institoot  is,  I  may  say,  a  success.  Con- 
tribushens  flow  in  slowly  but  shoorly,  —  fast 
enuff  indeed  to  give  each  uv  the  Board  a  noo  soot 
uv  close  ;  and  we,  speshelly,  who  hev  the  fust  han- 
dlin  uv  that  money,  sevral  other  comforts.  But  that 
corner-stun  troubles  us.  Sum  hundreds  uv  people 
saw  that  a  bottle  uv  likker  and  a  greenback  wuz 
deposited  under  it,  and  regerly  every  nite  it's  bin 
overturned  by  persons  in  serch  uv  them  relics.  At 
great  expense  we  built  onto  it  a  section  uv  wall ; 
but  makin  no  account  uv  our  expenditoor,  they  over 
turned  it.  We  then  histed  a  sign-board  bearing  this 


82  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

legend  :  "  The  whisky  is  gone,  and  the  greenback 
also,"  signed  by  the  Board ;  but  one  half  uv  the 
citizens  uv  that  lokality  don't  read,  and  tother  didn't 
hev  the  nessary  confidence  in  the  truthfulness  uv  the 
Board  to  prevent  em  from  goin  for  the  artikles,  tho 
the  very  knowlege  uv  us  wich  brot  about  this  state 
uv  disbelief,  shood,  wun  wood  suppose,  hev  taught  em 
that  the  greenback  and  likker  coodent  possibly  be 
there  after  so  long  a  period  hed  ensood.  So,  ez  a 
last  resort,  we  stuck  two  posts  in  the  ground  and 
clrawd  an  iron  chain  over  it.  That  got  em.  Force 
is  about  the  only  thing  uv  any  account  in  this 
country. 

The  Board  met  last  nite  at  the  Post  Offis,  wich, 
ontil  we  git  the  Institoot  built,  will  be  the  headquar 
ters  uv  the  Trustees,  to  consider  the  propriety  uv 
publishin  a  series  uv  skool  books,  adaptid  especially 
to  the  Southern  intelleck,  and  calculated  partike- 
larly  to  keep  alive  in  the  minds  uv  the  buddin  yooths 
uv  the  late  Confederacy,  wich  is  unfortunately  de- 
ceest,  a  lively  opinion  uv  themselves  and  a  corre 
sponding  hatred  uv  Noo  England  and  the  North 
generally.  We  hev  had  serious  doubts  whether  proper 
ideas  cood  be  instilled  into  a  yooth  from  a  book 
written  by  a  Boston  man,  and  printed  in  Cincinnati, 
onto  paper  made  in  Noo  York. 


SCHOOL  BOOKS  FOR  THE  SOUTH.     83 

I  submitted  to  the  Board  a  example  for  a  noo 
Arithmetic,  to  wit :  — 

"  A  Yankee  sent  a  substitoot  into  the  Federal  army 
at  a  cost  uv  $1,000,  passing  off  onto  him  two  coun 
terfeit  ten  dollar  notes.  To  make  up  the  expenditoor, 
he  to-wunst  swindles  a  innocent  Kentuckian  out  uv 
$100  in  a  patent  rite,  a  Alabamian  out  uv  $200  in 
a  western  land  trade,  and  the  balance  he  makes  up 
by  sellin  wooden  nutmegs,  wich  he  turns  out  uv 
basswood  at  a  profit  uv  4  cents  per  one.  The  grate 
moral  question  is,  how  many  nutmegs  must  this 
ingenius  but  unprincipled  cuss  manufaktur,  and 
how  long  does  it  take  him,  with  the  improoved  ma 
chinery,  they  hev  to  do  it? 

"  The  Southern  soljers,  at  the  battle  uv  the  first 
Bull  Run,  captured  18  Federals,  one  uv  whom  hed 
upon  his  person  $12  in  greenbax,  and  tothers  $8 
each.  How  many  uv  Johnson's  Postmasters  cood 
be  bought  with  the  proceeds  uv  the  capcher  ?  " 

Deekin  Pogram  approved  uv  these  examples ;  but 
he  kept  insistin  that  there  wuzn't  enuff  in  em  to  fire 
the  Southern  heart.  The  Southern  heart  wuz  a  per- 
petooal  funeral  pile  wich  needid  continyooal  firm. 
Onless  fired  it  wuz  a  gloomy  mass  uv  very  onsightly 
black  cinders.  He  proposed  that  the  forthcoming 
book  shood  be  coal  oil  on  the  slumberin  embers  uv 
the  yoothful  Southern  heart.  He  hed  a  example  : — 


84  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

"  The  battle  uv  Chickamauga  wuz  fought  a  certain 
number  uv  miles  from  Chattanooga.  One  regiment 
uv  Confedrit  soljers  druv  a  division  uv  Fedral  mer 
cenaries  into  the  town.  Allowin  that  each  Fedral, 
ez  well  ez  Confedrit,  hed  two  legs,  how  many  more 
steps  did  the  Fedrals  take  to  get  em  into  Chatta 
nooga,  where  they  wuz  comparatively  safe  from 
Confedrit  rage  and  valor,  and  sich,  than  it  did  the 
Confedrits  to  drive  em  thar  ?  " 

Bascom  remarkt  that  he  hed  one  wich  he  felt  it 
his  dooty  to  perpose  :  — 

"  A  strikly  conscienshus  grosery  keeper  starts  in 
biznis  worth  four  hundred  dollars  in  clean  cash. 
He  pays  for  his  whiskey  two  dollars  per  gallon  in 
Looisville,  and  hez  for  a  reglar  customer  a  Post 
master,  wich  drinks  forty  or  sixty  times  per  day,  and 
alluz  tells  him  to  4jist  chalk  it  down.'  Required 
the  length  uv  time  nessary  to  bust  him  under  them 
afflictin  circumstances?" 

Bascom  remarkt  that  long  before  the  book  ap 
pears  in  print,  he  wood  be  able  to  furnish  the  anser 
to  that  little  problem.  Considerin  the  example  a 
dig  direct  at  me,  I  wuz  uv  a  noshen  to  retort ;  but 
ther  wuz  sich  a  look  uv  injerd  innosense  onto  Bas- 
com's  countenance  that  reely  I  coodent.  Suthin 
must  be  done  for  Bascom,  —  I  hev  lived  onter  him 


SCHOOL  BOOKS  FOR  THE  SOUTH.     85 

too  long.  The  next  contribushen  I  reseeve  from 
frcnds  North  shel  be  devoted  to  liquidating,  in  part, 
the  debt  I  owe  him.  I  cood  bust  him,  by  not  givin 
him  at  least  cost  for  his  likker ;  but  wat  follows? 
There's  the  rub.  Wood  he  who  come  after  give  me 
credit?  Better  bear  the  ills  we  hev  than  fly  to  them 
to  wich  we  hevn't  bin  interdoost. 

Joe  Bigler,  the  drunken  Confedrit  soljer,  happened 
in,  and  heard  the  last  two  examples,  and  remarkt 
that  he  cood  furnish  us  any  number  uv  examples 
at  site.  We  never  stop  Joseph  in  anythin  he  per- 
poses  to  do,  for  he  hez  a  habit  uv  carry  in  a  navy 
revolver  slung  to  him,  and  he  shoots.  Joseph  wuz, 
therfore,  permitted  to  perceed. 

"  Ef  a  Southern  man  pants  for  his  rites,  and  fites 
four  years  for  em,  gittin  licked  like  the  devil,  how 
long  after  is  it  advisable  for  him  to  continyoo  to 
pant,  pervidid  he  didn't  know  at  the  beginnin  wat 
his  rites  wuz  ?  " 

I  vencherd  to  remark  that  a  solution  uv  that  prob 
lem  wuz  impossible,  thar  bein  no  pint  to  work  a 
departure  from,  to  wich  Joseph  remarkt  that  per 
haps  it  wuz  faulty  in  that  partikeler ;  but  he  hed 
others :  — 

"  Ef  a  Southern  soljer  kin  whip  five  Northern 
soljers,  why  in  bloody  thunder,  they  hevin  hed  a 


86  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

suffishency  uv  opportoonities  uv  doin  it,  didn't  the 
South  gain  her  independence  ? 

"  Ef  fitin  four  years,  and  loosin  every  doggoned 
cent's  worth  uv  property  a  man  lied  wuz  profitable 

0 

biznis,  how  many  struggles  for  independence  wood 
a  man  uv  modrit  means  be  justified  in  goin  thru 
with  ? 

"  Ef  two  gallons  and  a  half  uv  Kentucky  whisky 
kin  be  got  from  a  bushel  uv  corn,  how  many  Demo 
cratic  voters,  takin  young  men  ez  they  run,  kin  be 
manufaktured  from  the  produck  uv  an  aker  uv  good 
land  in  a  modrit  year  for  corn  ? 

"  A  high-toned  shivelrous  Virginian,  twenty  years 
ago,  hed  a  female  slave  wich  wuz  ez  black  ez  a  crow, 
and  worth  only  $800.  Her  progeny  wuz  only  half 
ez  black  ez  a  crow,  and  her  female  grandchildren 
wuz  suffishently  bleached  to  sell  in  Noo  Orleans  for 
$2,500  per  female  offspring.  Required,  ist.  The 
length  uv  time  nessary  to  pay  off  the  Nashnel  debt 
by  this  means.  2d.  The  number  uv  years  nessary 
to  bleach  the  cuss  of  color  out  uv  the  niggers  uv 
the  United  States. 

"  Ef  four  old  gray-headed  jackasses,  wich  ought 
to  know  better,  see  fit  to  keep  one  sucker  filled  with 
whisky,  how  many  suckers  cood  four  iron-gray  mules 
keep  filled,  they  bein  only  half  jackass? 


SCHOOL  BOOKS  FOR  THE  SOUTH.     87 

"A.  Johnson  bed  the  idea  uv  carryin  a  certin  num 
ber  uv  decstricks,  by  speekin  in  em  with  Seward, 
all  uv  \vich  gave  increased  majorities  agin  him. 
Required  the  number  uv  miles  uv  travel,  and  the 
number  uv  repetitions  uv  the  speech,  to  enable  him 
to  carry  out  his  policy  ? 

"  Ef  two  nips  at  "Washinton  wuz  suffishent  to  per- 
doose  the  speech  at  the  inaugerashen  on  the  4th  uv 
March,  1865,  how  many  must  have  bin  slung  into 
A.  J.  to  perdoose  the  22d  uv  Febrooary  effort,  and 
how  many  must  he  hev  taken  between  Washinton 
and  St.  Louis?" 

"  These  examples,"  sed  Joseph,  "  I  consider  nes- 
sary  for  this  book ;  and  ef  it  is  published  without 
em  I  shel  take  it  ez  a  persnel  affront,  for  which  I 
shel  hold  the  Board  persnelly  responsible.  The 
Southern  yooth  must  be  properly  instructed  —  my 
orphans  must  hev  proper  notions  instilled  into  em, 
and  these  examples  is  necessary  to  that  end.  Let 
this  Board  remember  that,  when  this  book  is  pub- 
lisht,  ef  these  examples  is  not  in  them,  they  hev  me 
to  settle  with." 

And  Joseph  departed.  We  are  in  a  quandary. 
We  dare  not  publish  the  book  without  his  examples, 
for  he  alluz  keeps  his  word,  and  is  a  ugly  cuss  to 
deal  with  ;  and  uv  course  puttin  em  in  coodent  be 


88  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

thought  uv.  We  finally  decided  that  Joseph  must 
be  got  out  uv  the  way  ez  soon  ez  possible,  and  there 
fore  votid  that  Bascom  give  him  unlimited  credit  at 
his  bar  for  a  week,  chargin  the  same  upon  the  ac 
count  uv  the  Institoot.  I  know  that  a  free  run  at 
his  barrels  would  finish  me  or  any  one  uv  the  Board 
in  that  time.  Happy  Bigler !  He  hez  at  least  one 
satisfactry  week  afore  him,  —  I  cood  almost  wish 
the  Board  wood  try  it  on  me.  It  would  be  a  short 
but  glorious  career. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),   and  likewise  Professor  uv 

Biblikle  Politicks  in  the  Southern  Classikle  & 

Military  Institoot. 


DESIRES  CONFIRMATION.  89 


XI. 

Mr.  Nasby  desires  Confirmation.  —  Is  advised 
how  to  proceed  by  the  President,  but  rejects 
the  Proposition  with  Scorn. 

WASHINGTON,  D.  C.,  March  20,  1867. 

WASHINGTON  agin!  What  changes  hev 
been  made  in  the  last  two  years !  Not  in 
Washington,  for  this  deliteful  abode  uv  official  pu 
rity  hezn't  changed  a  particle,  nor  never  will.  From 
the  summit  uv  Willard's  Hotel  I  kin  see  now,  ez  I 
did  a  year  ago,  the  same  signs  uv  "  steamed  oys 
ters  ;  "  the  Capitle,  in  front,  towrin  over  the  trees  at 
the  tother  end  uv  the  avenue,  and  behind,  the  Patent 
Offis  and  Post  Offis  buildings;  the  first  the  Mecca 
uv  every  Dimokrat  and  the  tother  uv  every  Yankee 
who  comes  here.  No  !  Washington  ain't  changed, 
but  I  hev.  Formerly,  when  I  visited  Washington, 
it  wuz  tite  times  with  me.  Willard's  wuz  my  hotel 
then  ez  now.  Chadwick,  him  uv  the  towerin  hite, 
rotund  abdomen,  side  whiskers,  and  round  hat,  wuz 


9°  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

then,  ez  now,  my  landlord.  In  them  days,  before 
the  happy  return  uv  A.  Johnson  to  reason  put  some 
thousands  uv  Democrats,  who  hed  more  stumic  than 
money,  and  more  appetite  than  small  change,  into 
offis,  and,  per  consekence,  into  condition  to  pay 
their  bills,  I  wuz  a  guest  at  this  hotel ;  which  is  to 
say,  I  slept  on  the  steps  uv  the  Capitol,  and  took, 
or  tried  to  take,  my  meals  at  Chadwick's  bountiful 
board.  Ef  I  hed  no  currency,  I  hed  taste  ;  and  ez 
I  wuz  foragin  for  subsistence,  I  allus  made  it  a  pint 
to  forage  on  the  richest  paster  fields.  It's  ez  easy  to 
cheek  a  first  class  dinner  ez  it  is  a  second  class ;  and 
besides,  I  felt  that  sich  a  hotel  ez  Willard's  wuz 
better  able  to  stand  sich  boarders  ez  I  wuz  than  them 
of  less  patronage.  I  kept  away  from  the  tother 
hotels  out  of  sympathy  for  the  proprietors.  Never 
shel  I  forget  my  last  visit  here.  I  hed  run  the  dinin- 
room  guardian  angel  for  a  week,  and  wuz  congratu- 
latin  myself  on  another  week  at  least,  when  Chad- 
wick  stopped  me  hisself,  and  the  follerin  conversashen 
ensood : — 

"  My  friend,"  sed  he,  in  winnin  tones. 

"  Davis,  Garret,  is  my  name  !  "  sez  I,  promptly. 

"  We  hear  enuff,"  sez  he.  "  Listen  !  I've  let  you 
run  a  week,  coz  it's  my  regler  practis.  Yoo  hed  a 
hungry  look,  but  by  this  time  yoo  ought  to  be  filled 


DESIRES  CONFIRMATION.  91 

up  and  able  to  go  at  least  a  week  without  catin. 
Ez  yoo  ain't  uv  no  earthly  yoose  to  any  body,  and 
make  no  pretensions  to  bein  ornamental  —  Git !  " 
and  three  well-directed  kicks  landid  me  onto  the 
sidewalk. 

But  I  hev  forgiven  him.  He  treats  me  well.  lie 
lies  confidence  in  me  now,  ez  I  hev  paid  my  board 
in  advance.  It's  a  rool  he  hez,  he  jocosely  remarked, 
with  men  of  my  peculiar  cast  uv  countenance,  to  hev 
em  pay  in  advance.  He  says  it's  much  the  best  way. 
After  payin,  sich  men  ez  me  feel  more  comfortable 
about  the  house,  and  so  do  the  proprietors.  It's  me 
that  is  changed,  —  I  hev  money  to  pay  my  bills. 
Bless  the  Lord  for  Seward,  Johnson,  Randall,  and 
other  luxuries ! 

But  pleasant  ez  it  is  to  contrast  my  former  po- 
sishen  with  my  present  proud  one,  I  hev  not  time  to 
dwell  upon  reminiscences.  Life  is  short ;  I  am  a 
practical  man,  and  tho  it  may  be  pleasant  to  linger 
for  a  moment  onto  memry's  pleasant  fields,  I  cannot. 
My  biznis  in  Washington  is  precisely  what  every 
Democrat's  biznis  here  is,  to  get  confirmed.  It 
ain't  no  trouble  for  a  Kentucky  Dimocrat  to  git 
appintid,  for  the  President  hez  so  far  relaxed  his 
rules  in  this  pertikeler  ez  to  appint  them  ez  wuzn't 
never  in  the  Confederit  army ;  but  to  get  confirmed 


92  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

is  the  pinch.  There's  the  gauntlet  uv  a  Ablishen 
Senit  to  run  ;  and  good  Lord,  wat  a  knowledge  they 
hev  uv  the  out-goins  and  in-comins  of  the  appintees  ! 

The  President  and  Postmaster-General  Randall 
wuz  extremely  anxious  for  my  confirmashen,  so 
much  so,  that  they  advised  me  to  resort  to  the  strat 
egy  now  so  common  in  the  North. 

"  Go  back  on  me  for  the  time  bein,"  sed  that 
trooly  great  and  good  man  who  adorns  the  sofas  in 
the  Presidenshul  Manshen.  "  Wilcox  em.  That's 
yoor  only  holt :  Wilcox  em.  I  advised  him  to  do  it, 
and  see  how  it  worked." 

"  My  dear  sir,"  sed  I,  carried  away  by  this  new 
and  onexpected  development  uv  greatness,  "  kin 
yoo  bear  to  hev  me  who  bears  yoor  banner  in  Ken 
tucky  bend  the  knee  to  a  ablishen  Senit,  and  repoo- 
diate  yoo,  even  for  a  hour?  It  is  safe  in  my  case, 
for  my  nateral  affinities  are  with  yoo,  but  don't,  I 
beg  uv  yoo,  advise  all  uv  em  to  do  so.  My  deer 
sir,  two  thirds  uv  em  will  go  out  for  confirmashen, 
and,  ef  successful,  will  forgit  to  return." 

But  the  great  and  good  Johnson  wood  take  no 
denials.  "  Draw  up,"  sed  he,  "  a  letter  to  a  con 
servative  member  uv  Congress,  explainin  your  con 
nection  with  me,  and  —  " 

And  overkum  with  emoshen,  he  burst  into  tears. 


DESIRES  CONFIRMATION.  93 

Sadly  I  undertook  the  task,  and  after  four  hours 
uv  intense  labor,  the  following  \vuz  completed  :  — 

"  HON. ,  HOUSE  uv  REPS. 

"MY  DEAR  Sir:  My  confirmashen  by  the  Senit 
uv  the  Yoonited  States  to  the  posishen  uv  Postmas 
ter  at  the  Confederit  X  Roads,  wich  is  in  the  State 
uv  Kentucky,  being  somewhat  jeopardized  by  my 
operashuns  in -the  politikle  field  doorin  the  past  two 
years,  I  hev  the  honor  to  explane  that,  notwith- 
standin  the  fact  that  I  wuz  a  original  Demokrat, 
early  in  the  war  I  took  up  arms  for  the  preservashen 
uv  our  beloved  Yoonion.  The  precise  date  I  cannot 
give,  owin  to  the  demoralized  condishen  uv  my  mind 
at  the  time;  but  that  yoo  kan  assertane  for  yoor- 
selves.  It  wuz  about  two  weeks  after  the  fust  draft. 
That  I  laid  down  arms  agin  ez  soon  ez  the  regiment 
struck  Southern  sile  will  not,  when  the  motives  wich 
actooated  me  are  known,  be  allowed  to  weigh  agin 
me.  It  hez  bin  said  I  deserted  to  the  enemy,  —  so 
it  wuz  sed  uv  John  Champe,  but  history  subsekently 
vindicated  him  ;  he  went  to  ketch  Arnold.  I  will 
not  stop  to  reply  to  my  defamers ;  but  ef  it  comes 
out  finally  that  I  went  for  the  purpose  uv  satisfym 
rebels  by  okular  demonstrashun  that  they  hed  nothin 
to  hope  for  from  the  Northern  Democrats,  uv  whom 


94  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

I  wuz  a  average  specimen,  what  kin  my  enemies 
say  then? 

"  I  do  not  deny  that  I  wuz  a  ardent  supporter  uv 
President  Johnson  from  the  beginning  uv  his  career. 
I  wuz  filled  with  a  drafted  man's  magninimity  to 
ward  a  conkered  foe,  and  up  to  the  very  day  I 
reseeved  my  commishen  I  favored  consilatory  meas 
ures.  I  accompanied  him  on  his  —  I  will  not  say 
disgraceful,  for  he  is  my  sooperior  -officer  —  tour 
thru  the  Northern  States,  and  slung  my  hat  higher 
nor  anybody  else's  at  his  —  I  will  not  say  drunken, 
for  reasons  above  mentioned  —  speeches,  and  aboozed 
the  highly  intelligent  populaces  at  Cleveland,  Injean- 
apolis,  Springfield,  and  other  pints,  in  a  manner 
wich,  now  that  I  think  uv  it,  wuz  trooly  shameful. 
Also,  I  organized  the  Postmasters  uv  various  North 
ern  States  into  a  Johnson  party,  and  vigorously  sup 
ported  members  uv  Congress  pledged  to  the  policy 
uv  wich  I  wuz,  at  the  time,  a  deceeved  supporter. 
About  this  time  I  wuz  appointed  Postmaster ;  and, 
fmdin  I  needed  confirmashen,  my  views  undergoed 
a  radical  change.  Time  and  observashen  hev  taught 
me  that  instid  of  consiliashen,  coershen  is  our  best 
holt ;  and  that  now  military  measures  are  necessary 
in  the  South  ontil  them  rebellyus  people  completely 
acquiesce  in  terms  imposed  by  Congris  for  restora- 


DESIRES  CONFIRMATION.  95 

shcn.  My  views  on  this  interestin  topic  is  best 
defined  by  the  recent  speeches  uv  Hon.  Charles 
Sumner,  the  eminent  and  trooly  great  Senator  from 
the  enlitened  State  uv  Massachusetts,  and  also  by 
the  recent  utterances  uv  them  lovable  Representa 
tives,  Hon.  Thadeus  Stevens,  of  Pennsylvania,  Hon. 
£  Gen.  Benj.  F.  Butler,  uv  Massachoosetts,  and  Hon. 
James  M.  Ashley,  uv  Ohio,  in  all  uv  whose  senti 
ments,  sich  as  they  hev  now,  and  also  them  ez  they 
hev  alluz  hed,  as  well  ez  them  which  they  may  here 
after  hev,  I  most  heartily  and  entirely  concur. 

"  With  this  explanation,  wich  I  hope  will  prove 
entirely  satisfactory,  and  with  the  addishnel  asshoor- 
ence  that  I  am  now  a  very  warm  supporter  of  the 
Congressional  policy,  and  that  when  I  look  back 
and  see  what  I  hev  bin  a  doin  for  the  past  two 
years,  I  so  loathe  myself  that  I  kin  hardly  be  re 
strained  from  sooisidin,  may  I  ask  you  to  personally 
urge  my  confirmation  in  the  Senit? 

"  Trooly  and  Respectfully  Yours, 

"  PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY." 

I  read  this  epistle  to  A.  Johnson,  who  wuz  pleased 
to  approve  it,  and  also  to  Randall,  who  wuz  delited 
with  it,  and  to  Welles,  who,  after  forcing  me  to 
read  it  twice  over,  wantid  to  know  if  it  had  anything 


96  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

to  do  with  the  Navy  Department,  and  then  returned 
to  the  President  with  my  mind  fully  made  up  that 
/  never  would  send  that  document. 

"Wat?"  sed  he,  starttn  back  astonished,  "  not 
send  it?" 

"  Never !  "  sed  I.  "  Never  !  Sich  things  may  do 
for  Postmasters  and  Assessors  wich  you  took  from 
the  Republican  ranks,  but  not  for  me.  I  hev  done 
many  things  wich  perhaps  woodn't  hold  out  sixty 
pounds  to  the  bushel  —  I  voted  for  Peerce  and  like 
wise  for  Bookannon,  and  supported  em  in  all  their 
various  dooins,  besides  other  things  too  tejus  to  men- 
shun ;  but  my  sensitive  soul  recoils  at  this,  —  my 
proud  stumick  revolts.  I  leave  it  for  yoor  Custers 
and  Wilcoxes  and  sich,  —  no  Kentucky  Dimokrat 
kin.  Let  them  refooze  to  confirm  me  at  their  peril. 
I  am  the  only  Dimocrat  in  ten  miles  who  kin  write, 
and  they  dare  not,  by  turning  me  out,  deprive  Ken 
tucky,  wich  never  seceded,  uv  mail  facilities." 

"  Brave  man  !  "  exclaimed  Johnson,  in  a  husky 
voice,  and  his  eyes  suffused  with  tears,  fallin  onto 
my  neck  and  weepin  profoosely  down  my  back, 
"  let  em  reject  yoo.  Ef  they  do,  I  pledge  yoo  my 
word,  and  will  give  yoo  sekoority  now  if  yoo  desire 
it,  that  yoo  shell  hev  a  partnership  with  Mrs.  Cobb, 
or  Mrs.  Perry,  wich  is  worth  a  score  uv  post  offices." 


DESIRES  CONFIRMATION.  97 

I  hev  allus  noticed  that  virchoo  is  its  own  re 
ward.  By  bein  troo,  wot  a  feeld  is  now  open  to  me. 
Let  the  Senit  do  its  worst. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor  uv 
Biblikle  Politics   in  the   Suthern   Classikle  & 
Military  Institoot. 

7 


98  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


XII. 


Mr.  Nasby  takes  a  Retrospective  View.  —  Pie 
considers  the  Situation,  and  is  not  satisfied 
with  it. 


POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stai 

March 


>RIT  X  ROADS  \ 
dt  uv  Kentucky),  V 
tfarch  25,  1867.  J 


BACKERD,  turn  backerd,  O  Time  in  yoor  flite," 
is  the  fust  line  uv  a  song  wich  I  heerd  not 
lono-  since.    Wood  that  Time  cood  perform  that  back 

& 

ackshen  feat,  and  get  us  all  back  wher  we  wuz  six 
years  ago.  But  Time  can't.  Time  is  a  perpetooal 
moshen,  wich  must  go  on,  and  on,  and  wich  can't 
never  retrace  her  steps. 

The  situashen  ain't  pertickelerly  agreeable  jist 
now.  It  hezn't  a  joocy  look,  nor  does  it  promise  an 
improvement  in  the  future.  The  confidence  uv  the 
Dimocrisy  uv  Kentucky  is  shaken  to  the  extent  that 
it's  lost  its  equilibrium  and  totters  to  its  centre. 
When  it  falls,  I  shel  be  found  under  the  rooins. 


A  RETROSPECTIVE  VIEW.  99 

The  passage  of  the  Military  Law  may  be  sed  to  be 
the  last  feather  wich  reely  ought  to  break  the  Ken 
tucky  camel's  back.  It's  the  deepest  and  fmishnest 
stab  at  c6nstooshnel  liberty  and  ekal  rites,  inezmuch 
ez  it  not  only  blasts  forever  the  hopes  uv  re-estab- 
lishin  slavery,  but  gives  the  nigger  all  the  rites  and 
privileges  enjoyed  by  white  men.  We,  who  are 
chiefly  interested,  are  not  to  be  consulted  in  the 
matter.  Fedral  hirelins,  whose  very  presence  is 
pizen  to  the  people  uv  these  States,  are  to  be  quar 
tered  onto  us  to  see  that  "  justis  "  —  wat  holler 
mockry  !  —  is  done  to  em.  The  governments  estab 
lished  by  Androo  Johnson  is  overturned  ef  they  don't 
play  the  fiddle  to  military  satraps,  and  accept  the 
Constooshnel  Amendment,  wich  perhibits  them  who 
wuz  our  champions  in  the  late  effort  to  destroy  a 
government  wich  we  hatid,  from  takin  hold  uv  it 
agin  and  runnin  it.  Wuz  ther  ever  sich  a  mixter 
uv  injustis  and  perscripshen?  Wuz  ther  ever  sich 
severity?  Wuz  ther  ever  sich  a  lack  uv  magna 
nimity?  And  all  this  time  where  is  Johnson?  He 
vetoed  these  bills,  —  but  wherefore  ?  He  knowd  that 
the  Rump  Congress  hed  a  majority  uv  two  thirds, 
and  cood  pass  em  over  his  veto  ;  why,  then,  when 
they  set  his  authority  at  defiance,  didn't  he  rise  in 
his  might  and  disperse  em?  Where,  too,  wuz  the 


ioo  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

Dimocrisy  uv  the  North?  Where  are  they  in  this 
crisis,  when  our  clearest  rites  —  their  greatest  care 
—  is  bein  shiprecked  on  the  iron-bound  rocks  uv 
despotism  ?  Where  are  they,  I  say  ?  Why 'don't  they 
rally,  ez  they  threatened,  and  demand  that  Johnson 
shel  hurl  them  levelers  from  their  usurped  seats,  and 
restore  peace,  on  sich  terms  ez  we  shall  consider 
ekitable,  to  this  wunst  happy,  but  now  distracted, 
country.  Alas  !  they  hevn't  time.  I  see  them  who 
breathed  so  much  vengence  and  slawtrins  afore 
Johnson  hed  offices  to  dispose  uv,  a  neglectin  us,  and 
a  runnin  about  gittin  signatoors  to  applicashens  for 
Post  Offises,  and  hollerin  to  us  ez  they  ketch  their 
breath,  "Accept  the  condishens  —  git  back  into  the 
Yoonion,  that  we  may  elect  the  President  in  1868, 
who'll  give  us  all  the  patronage ! "  Their  noose- 
papers  all  shreek,  "  Accept,  and  get  back  into  the 
Yoonion,  that  we  may  elect  the  next  President,  who'll 
give  us  all  the  patronage !  "  And  that  ain't  the 
worst  uv  it.  Them  wich  we  bought  up  with  appint- 
ments  diskivered  on  a  sudden  that  a  Abolition  Senit 
hed  to  confirm  em,  and  to  sekoor  that  they  hev  gone 
back  onto  us.  Custer  is  a  shinin  example,  Wilcox 
is  another,  and  I  mite  menshun  hundreds  uv  others 
who  hev  slid  back  in  the  same  manner. 

Troy  wuz  taken  by  the  strategy  uv  the  Greeks, 


A  RETROSPECTIVE  VIEW.  101 

who  exposed  a  wooden  horse,  in  the  bowels  n.v  wich 
wuz  conceelcd  armed  men,  wich  the  verdant  Troys 
pulled  inside  their  gates.  Androo  Johnson,  wuz' ..ho 
wooden  horse  wich  wuz  sent  into  our  camp  by  the 
Ablishnists,  and  the  offices  wuz  the  armed  men  in 
his  bowels.  They  hev  bin  our  rooin.  So  long  ez 
they  wuz  in  the  dim  distance,  the  Democracy  wuz 
hungry  and  feroshus,  and  capable  uv  almost  anythin 
—  so  soon  ez  they  got  em,  they  become  quiet  ez 
lambs.  The  Postmaster  who  holds  a  commishn  sez 
to  himself,  "Wherefore  shel  I  bust  the  Government 
under  wich  I  hev  a  place?  Kin  I  git  another  under 
the  new  one?"  nnd  he  yells  to  us,  "Accept  the 
terms  ! "  We  capchered  the  camp  uv  the  enemy, 
but  are  demoralized  by  the  plunder  we  found.  It's 
the  old  trick,  over  agin,  these  offices,  which  the 
white  men  yoost  to  play  onto  the  Injins,  to  wit :  — 
evacuatin  a  posishen  and  leavin  a  barrel  uv  whiskey 
behind,  knowin  that  the  Injin's  instincts,  like  them 
uv  a  Kentucky  Dimokrat's,  wood  lead  him  to  git 
blind  drunk,  and  make  him  a  easy  prey  to  the 
skelpin  knife.  The  offisis  wuz  the  whiskey  wich 
intoxicated  our  braves ;  and  our  skelps,  so  to  speek, 
han"1  at  the  belts  uv  our  enemies.  Sumner  hez 

^ 

many,  Thad  Stevens  hez  many,  and  Butler  is  a 
gatherm  uv  cm  with  a  rapidity  wonderful  to  behold. 


102  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

But  wat  marks  the  demoralizashen  uvthe  Dimoc- 
risy  the  most,  is  the  follerin  extract  wich  I  cut  from 
the-Noo  York  World,  wunst  our  trusted  orgin.  I 
hev  not  the  heart  to  re-write  it.  I  paste  the  slip 
onto  the  paper ;  hence  I  am  not  responsible  for  sich 
errors  uv  orthografy  and  grammer  ez  may  be  discov 
ered  into  it.  Here  it  is  :  — 

"  As  regards  the  popular  notion  of  the  odor  of 
the  negro,  it  may  be  positively  stated  that  he,  in  this 
respect,  is  like  the  white,  —  a  clean  negro  bein  free 
from  it,  and  a  foul  one  cursed  by  it." 

Ef  this  be  troo  —  ef  the  nigger  don't  stink,  then 
Noah  got  tite,  and  Ham  wuz  cust  in  vane  —  then 
Paul  sent  back  Onesirnus  for  nothin,  and  Hager  is 
uv  no  more  interest  to  the  Dimocrisy  than  any  other 
female  who  hez  bin  ded  several  thousand  years. 
The  Dimocratic  party  wuz  built  upon  this  stink ; 
and  ef  that  corner-stun  is  knocked  out,  the  temple 
falls,  and  buries  all  beneath  its  rooins  who  are  shel 
tered  under  it,  uv  whom  I  am  the  cheefest  and  the 
loveliest  among  ten  thousand. 

At  one  fell  swoop  the  wind  is  knockt  out  uv  the 
sales  uv  the  Northern  Dimocrisy.  Wat  is  the  nig 
ger  now  to  them  ef  he  does  not  stink?  "Popler 
noshen,"  indeed !  Trooly  it  wuz  a  popler  noshen. 
That  stink  led  hundreds  uv  thousands  uv  Democrats 


A  RETROSPECTIVE  VIEW.  103 

by  the  nose.  That  "  odor  "  —  ez  the  writer  styles 
it  —  wuz  our  best  holt,  and  wun  wich  wuz  every 
thing  to  us.  That  stink  wuz  all  that  elevated  the 
Demokrat  over  the  nigger  —  that  wuz  our  mark  of 
sooperiority.  We,  at  times,  wuz  not  uv  the  precise 
odor  uv  Nite-bloomin  serious.  A  Democratic  mass 
convenshen,  when  in  a  tite  room,  with  two  stoves 
in  it,  wuz  not  the  most  odorous  gatherin  in  the 
world  ;  but  we  thanked  God  continyooally  that  the 
smell  wich  ariz  ez  the  room  got  hot  wuz  not  the 
pecooliar  aroma  uv  the  nigger,  and  we  wuz  com 
forted.  But  this  writer  redooses  the  whole  thing  — 
the  whole  difference  between  the  nigger  and  a  Dem- 

OC^ 

ocrat  —  to  a  matter  of  color  and  cleanliness.  Wat 
heresy!  Wat  iconaclasm !  (this  last  word  meanin, 
I  believe,  idol  breakin,  or  suthin  uv  that  sort.)  Ef 
this  be  troo,  then  in  the  nite  time,  a  nigger  with 
his  feet  •washed  is  better  than  a  Demokrat  I  For 
one,  now  I  care  not  ef  Dr.  Cummins'  "Last  Warn  in 
Cry  "  be  trooly  the  last.  I'm  sorry  that  he  rented 
his  house  for  ninety-nine  years,  ez  it  hez  a  tendency 
to  destroy  my  faith  in  his  beleef  that  the  world  is 
about  peggin  out.  The  sooner  Gabrel  blows  his 
horn  the  better  I  shel  be  sooted. 

Here  agin  this  matter  uv  state  offisis  comes  in. 
The  Dimocrisy  uv  Noo  York  see  that  nigger  suffrage 


104  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

is  inevitable,  and  to  sekoor  their  share  uv  it,  they're 
biddin  in  time  ;  forgettin  that  while  they're  acheevin 
a  temporary  success  on  that  side  uv  the  cirkle  we're 
losing  all  control  uv  the  niggers  on  this.  Wat  did 
the  South  ever  care  for  Dimokratic  successes,  'ceptin 
ez  it  bolstered  up  their  niggers? 

I'm  discouraged.  I  see  afore  me  trouble.  I  see 
but  one  or  two  streeks  uv  lite  on  my  horizon.  Ohio 
won't  let  her  niggers  vote  no  how,  and  sum  other 
States  are  in  the  same  fix,  and  possibly  this  ackshen 
may  be  the  sign  uv  returnin  reason.  Ohio  may,  after 
all,  be  the  rock  agin  wich  the  waves  uv  fanatakism 
may  beet  in  vane,  and  conservatism,  gathei'in  strength 
there,  may  finally  assert  itself  elsewhere.  May  the 
Lord  send  it,  for  ef  this  thing  goes  on,  I'm  a  lost 
and  rooined  man. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and   likewise  Professor  uv 

Biblikle  Politicks  in  the  Southern  Classikle  & 

Military  Institoot. 


THE  NEGRO  VOTE.  105 


xin. 


The  Negro  Vote.  —  Mr.  Nasly,  in  imitation  of 
Wade  Hampton,  tries  to  conciliate  the  African. 
—  T/ie  Result  of  the  Venture. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  R.OADS 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
March  28,  1867. 

IHEV  made  many  sudden  and  rather  'strordi- 
nary  changes  in  politix  —  some  so  very  sudden 
that  the  movement  perdoost  conjestion  uv  the  con- 
shence.  I  rekollect  wunst  uv  advokatin  free  trade 
and  high  protective  tariff,  all  within  twelve  hours 
(I  made  a  speech  in  a  agricultooral  deestrik  uv  Noo 
York  in  the  forenoon,  at  10  A.  M.,  and  in  a  manu- 
facturin  town  in  Pennsylvany  in  the  evenin,  our 
platform  bein  so  construktid  that  both  sides  cood 
find  a  endorsement  in  it),  and  hev  performed  many 
other  feats  uv  moral  gymnastiks  ;  but  this  last  change 
I  hev  bin  called  upon  to  make  is  probably  the  sud- 
denest.  Last  week  Toosday,  Deekin  Pogram,  Cap- 


106  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

tain  McPelter,  and  I,  wuz  engaged  in  riddin  the 
Corners  uv  niggers.  We  bed  endoord  em  ez  long 
ez  we  thot  possible,  and  determined  on  standin  it 
no  longer.  Selectin  three,  wich  we  wuz  satisfied 
hed  too  much  spellin-book  into  em  to  be  enslaved 
agin,  we  wuz  preparin  notises  to  be  served  onto  em, 
orderin  em  to  leave  in  twenty-four  hours,  when  I 
reseeved  in  the  northern  mail  a  letter  marked  "  Free 
—  Alex.  W.  Randell,  P.  M.  G."  I  knowd  it  wuz 
offishel  to-wunst  —  that  blessid  signatoor  is  on  my 
commisshun,  and  I've  contemplatid  it  too  often  to 
be  mistaken  in  it.  Its  contents  wuz  brief,  and  run 
thus : — 

"  To  all  Postmasters  in  the  Southern  States  :  The 
niggers  hev  votes  —  consiliashen  is  our  best  holt. 
See  to  it." 

This  breef,  tho  not  hard  to  be  understood  order, 
wuz  sealed  with  the  offishel  seal  uv  the  Post  Offis 
Department,  stampt  into  putty  instid  uv  wax,  to  wit : 
a  loaf  of  bread,  under  a  roll  uv  butter,  with  ten 
hands  a  grabbin  at  it.  I  comprehended  the  situa 
tion  at  site,  and  set  about  doin  my  dooty  with  both 
Roman  and  Spartan  firmness.  "  Deekin,"  sez  1, 
tearin  up  the  notises,  "  these  niggers  we  hev  misun 
derstood.  They  are  not  a  inferior  race  —  they  are 
not  descendants  uv  Ham  and  Hager  —  it  wuzn't 


THE  NEGRO  VOTE.  107 

Paul's  idea  in  send  in  back  Onesimus  to  condemn 
him  to  servitood  —  we  hev  misunderstood  the  situa 
tion,  and  must  make  amends.  The  nigger  is  devoid 
uv  smell,  and  is  trooly  a  man  and  a  brother !  " 

"Wat?"  said  the  Deekin,  tippin  back  in  amaze 
ment. 

"Jest  wat  I  say,"  sez  I.  "Read  that,"  and  I 
flung  him  the  letter. 

The  upshot  uv  the  conference  wich  follered  wuz 
the  callin  uv  a  meetin  the  next  nite,  at  wich  all  the 
Ethiopians  uv  the  Corners  wuz  invited  and  urged 
to  be  present. 

The  trouble  wuz  to  git  the  niggers  to  attend  the 
meetin.  The  fust  one  I  spoke  to  lafTt  in  my  face, 
and  askt  me  how  long  it  wuz  sence  I  hed  helpt 
hang  a  couple  uv  niggers,  by  way  uv  finishin  off  a 
celebrashen.  Pollock,  the  Illinois  storekeeper,  got 
hold  uv  it,  and  told  Joe  Bigler,  and  Joe  swore  that 
ef  the  niggers  hedn't  any  more  sense  than  we  give 
em  credit  for,  in  sposin  we  cood  bamboozle  em  so 
cheep,  he  shood  go  back  to  the  old  beleef,  to  wit : 
that  they  wuz  only  a  sooperior  race  uv  monkeys, 
after  all ;  and  by  nite  every  nigger  in  the  visinity 
wuz  postid  thoroughly,  and  out  uv  all  uv  em  I  cood 
only  git  four  who  would  promise  to  attend,  and 
them  the  Deekin  hed  to  pay  $2  apiece  to.  To  give 


loS  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

it  eclaw  I  promised  one  uv  em  $5  (to  be  paid  at  the 
close  uv  the  meetin)  to  sit  on  the  stand  with  me, 
wich,  bein  a  very  poor  man,  and  hevin  a  sick  wife 
in  a  shanty  near  by,  who  wuz  suffering  for  medi 
cine  (wich  he  coodent  git  without  money),  he  ac 
cepted. 

At  this  pint  an  idee  struck  me.  I  remembered 
Philadelfy,  and  determined  to  hev  a  scene  rivalin 
the  Couch  and  Orr  biznis.  "Another  thing,  Cuff. 
Understand  that  it's  a  part  uv  the  bargain  that  when 
in  my  speech  I  turn  to  yoo  and  stomp,  yoo  must 
rise  and  embrace  me." 

"Wat?"  sezhe. 

"Fall  into  my  arms,  lovin-like  —  you  understand 
— jist  as  tho  we  wuz  long-lost  brothers  !  " 

"  Scuse  me  !  "  sed  he.  "  Fse  a  mity  low  nigger, 
and  wants  to  buy  de  old  woman  some  quinine,  and 
wood  do  most  anything  foah  dat ;  but,  golly,  dat's 
too  much ! " 

"  Not  a  cent,"  sed  I,  sternly,  assoomin  my  most 
piercinest  gaze  ;  "  onless  this  is  included  !  " 

"  Well,"  returned  he,  sulkily,  "  ef  I  must,  I  speck 
I  must ;  but,  golly  —  " 

The  nite  arrived,  and  the  meetin-house  wuz  full. 
We  thot  fust  uv  holding  it  in  the  chapel  uv  the  Col 
lege,  but  give  up  the  idea  ez  impracticable,  ez,  owin 


THE  NEGRO  VOTE.  109 

to  the  dillytorinis  uv  our  Northern  friends  in  for- 
wardin  sich  subscripshens  cz  they  hev  raised,  we 
hevent  got  no  further  with  the  bildin  than  layin  the 
corner-stun.  In  the  front  wuz  the  four  niggers',  all 
in  clean  shirts,  and  on  the  stand  wuz  the  nigger  I 
hed  engaged.  Over  the  platform,  wuz  the  follerin 
mottoes :  — 

"  In  Yoonion  ther  is  strength  —  For  President  in 
1868,  Fernando  Wood.  For  Vice  President,  Fred 
erick  Duglis." 

"  In  the  nigger,  strength  —  In  the  Caucashen, 
beauty  —  In  the  mulatter,  who  is  trooly  the  noblest 
uv  the  human  species  —  both." 

In  addishen  to  these,  we  dug  up  all  the  old  mot 
toes  wich  Jefferson  writ,  about  yooniversal  liberty 
and  sich,  wich  hedn't  bin  quoted  in  Kentucky  for 
twenty  years,  and  postid  em  up  ;  in  brief,  hed  Wen 
dell  Phillips'  blessed  sperit  bin  a  hoverin  over  that 
meetin-house,  it  wood  hev  smiled  approvinly. 

I  spoke  to  em  elokently  on  the  yooniversal  broth 
erhood  uv  mankind,  holdin  that  whatever  else  cood 
be  sed,  Adam  wuz  the  father  uv  all  mankind,  and 
that  the  only  diffrence  between  a  white  man  and  a 
nigger  wuz,  the  nigger  wuz  sun-burnt.  The  nigger, 
I  remarkt,  wuz,  ondoubtedly,  origenally  white  ;  but 
hevin  bin,  sence  his  arrival  in  this  countrv,  addicted 


no  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

to  agricultooral  persoots,  he  bed  become  tanned  to 
a  degree  wich,  tho  it  marred  his  physikle  beauty, 
did  not  interfere  with  his  sterlin  goodnis  uv  heart. 
Ther  bed  bin  differences  between  the  races  —  at  times 
ther  bed  bin  onpleasantnises  wich  no  one  regretted 
more  than  I.  The  whites  uv  the  Corners  bed  not 
alluz  bin  ez  considrit  ez  I  cood  hev  wished.  They 
bed  flogd  sevral  uv  em,  and  hung  many  more,  and 
in  times  past  bed  held  em  in  slavery  and  sich  ;  but 
that  shood  not  be  thot  uv  at  this  happy  time.  It 
wuz  constooshnel  to  do  these  things  then,  and  Ken 
tucky  wuz  eminently  a  law-abidin  State.  "  Here," 
sez  I,  "on  this  platform,  with  the  flag  uv  our  com 
mon  country  over  me,  I  declare  eternal  friendship  to 
the  colored  man,  and  to  seel  the  declarashen  I  thus 
embrace  —  " 

The  obstinit  nigger  didn't  stir  a  step. 

"  Come  up  and  fling  yoor  arms  around  me,  you 
black  cuss,"  sed  I,  in  a  stage  whisper.  "  Come 
up  !  " 

"  No  yoo  don't,  boss  !  "  sed  the  nigger,  in  a  loud 
voice,  wich  was  audible  all  over  the  church,  and 
holdin  out  his  hand.  "  I  can't  trust  yoo  a  bressid 
minit.  Gib  me  cle  $5  fust.  Yoo  owe  dis  chile  foah 
dollars  now  fo'  sawrin  wood  fo'  yoab  post  offis,  and 
ef  we's  a  gwine  to  hab  our  rites  de  fus  yoose  I  shel 


I    THUS    EM  P.R  ACE  "-Page  now 


THE  NEGRO  VOTE.  in 

put  mine  to  be  will  be  gittin  dat  money.  Pay  up 
fus,  and  de  'brace  afterward.  I  can't  do  sich  a  dis 
agreeable  ting  widout  de  cash  in  advance." 

This  ruther  destroyed  the  effect.  The  unities 
wuzn't  preserved.  The  niggers  in  front  bust  out 
in  a  torturing  laff,.and  Pollock  and  Bigler  rolld  in 
convulsions  uv  lafture,  in  wich  half  uv  our  people 
joined.  Me  a  standin  petrified,  in  the  attitood  of 
embracin,  and  that  cussed  nigger  standin  with  his 
hand  extended  for  the  money,  with  the  Deekin  and 
Bascom  horror-struck  jist  behind,  formed  a  tabloo 
wich  wuz  more  strikin  than  pleasant. 

The  meetin  wuz  to-wunst  adjourned,  for  it  wuz 
evident  to  the  dullest  comprehenshen  that  nothin 
more  coodent  be  done  that  nite.  Ez  yoosual  I  failed 
for  want  uv  capital.  Hed  I  bin  possesst  uv  the  pal 
try  sum  uv  five  dollars,  how  diffrent  wood  hev  bin 
the  result !  Perchance  we  may,  thro  that  defish- 
ency,  lose  Kentucky.  It  must  never  occur  agin  — 
my  salery  must  be  raisd.  I  can't  make  brix  without 
straw. 

Joe  Bigler  met  me  next  mornin  and  remarkt  that 
he  regrettid  the  occurrence,  ez  he  ardently  desired 
to  see  the  two  races  a  pullin  together.  "  The  fault, 
Perfessor,"  sed  he,  "  wuz  in  not  managin  properly. 
The  next  time  yoo  want  a  'spectable  nigger  to  sit 


ii2  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

on  the  platform  with  yoo  and  the  Deekin,  or  kiss 
or  embrace  yoo  —  git  him  drunk.  He'll  do  it  then, 
probably  —  I  know  he  will.  Ef  he's  drunk  enuff, 
he'll  hurrah  for  Johnson,  and  it's  possible  to  git  em 
down  to  the  pint  uv  votin  with  yoo.  Lord !  how 
whiskey  drags  a  man  down.  See  wat  it's  brot  yoo 
to !  "  and  the  insultin  wretch  rolled  off,  laffin  bois 
terously.  "  Git  em  drunk,  Perfesser  !  "  he  yelled  ez 
long  ez  he  cood  see  me. 

We  don't  intend  to  give  it  up.  Bigler's  advice 
wuz  given  in  jest ;  but,  nevertheless,  I  shel  act  upon 
it.  Whiskey  is  wat  brings  white  men  to  us  ;  and 
ef  a  white  man  kin  be  thus  capchered,  why  not  a 
nigger?  The  Afrikin  hezn't  got  ez  far  to  fall  to  git 
down  to  our  level,  and  it'll  take  less  to  bring  him. 
Bascom  ordered  five  barrels  to-day,  wich  I  spose  the 
Administrashen  will  pay  for.  We  hev  yet  the  Noo 
York  Custom  House,  and  more  uv  the  perkesits 
must  be  yoosed  for  politikle  purposes. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor  uv 
Biblikle  Politicks  in  the  Southern  Classikle  & 
Military  Institoot. 


THE  CONNECTICUT  ELECTION.  113 


xiv. 

The  Connecticut  Election.  —  The  Effect  it  pro 
duced  at  the  Corners,  and  likewise  at  Washing 
ton.  —  A  Proposition  to  remove  the  College  re 
jected. 

WASHINGTON,  April  7,  1867. 

THE  news  uv  the  election  in  Connecticut  created 
the  most  profound  sensashen  at  the  Corners. 
It  cum  to  us  so  onexpected,  so  like  a  clap  uv  thun 
der  from  a  clear  sky,  or  ruther  so  like  a  gleam  uv 
sunlite  thro  a  mass  uv  overpowrin  black  clouds,  so 
like  the  first  streak  uv  sunlite  in  the  mornin  after 
a  long  nite  uv  cholera  morbus  with  no  brandy  in  the 
house,  that  we  wuz  overpowered  with  it.  The  Cor 
ners  hevn't  experienct  sich  a  satisfactory  spasm  uv 
joy  sence  the  receet  uv  the  news  uv  the  Fort  Filler 
affair.  It  perdoost  a  very  singler  effect  on  Deekin 
Pogram.  When  I  cum  up  to  him  with  the  news, 
he  wuz  engaged  with  all  the  elokence  he  possest 
a  trying  to  convince  a  nigger,  wich  formerly  be 
longed  to  him,  that,  after  all,  the  Southerners  them- 
8 


114      EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

selves  wuz  the  only  ones  wich  the  niggers  cood 
trust ;  and  that  when  the  time  cum  for  em  to  exer 
cise  the  'lective  franchise,  ef  they  hed  any  regard  for 
their  own  interests  they  wood  turn  their  backs  on 
the  Ablishinists,  who  wuz,  to  a  man,  hory  headed 
deceevers,  and  trust  them  and  them  only  who 
knowd  em. 

"  Samyooel,"  sed  the  Deekin,  in  a  affecshunit 
tone,  with  one  hand  on  the  nigger's  shoulder,  "  why 
shoodent  we  love  yoo  ?  Yoo  are  bone  uv  our  bone, 
and  flesh  uv  our  flesh  —  wre  are  uv  one  blood  —  " 
(this  remark  the  Deekin  got  into  a  habit  some  years 
ago  uv  gittin  off  when  speekin  uv  the  Dimocrisy 
North,  and  alluz  uses  it.  It  is  ruther  effective,  tho 
in  this  instance,  ef  I  hed  bin  in  his  place,  I  shood 
ent  hev  slung  it  out,  owin  to  the  pecooliar  con- 
struckshen  wich  mite  be  put  onto  it)  —  u  and  our 
interests  is  one,  Samyooel." 

"  Deekin,"  sez  I,  interruptin  him.  "  Deekin  ! 
Connecticut  hez  spoken  in  thunder  tones,  and  hez 
gone  Dimocratic  !  "  — 

"  Wat !  "  sez  he,  "  Dimocratic  !  " 

"  Verily,"  sez  I.  "  A  Governer,  and  three  Con 
gressmen  out  of  four." 

Ther  wuz  a  sudden  rupcher  uv  the  friendly  rela- 
shens  existin  between  the  Deekin  and  Samyooel  the 


THE  CONNECTICUT  ELECTION.  115 

dark  cornplexioned.  If  he  wuz  uv  the  Deekin's 
flesh,  the  Deekin  wuz  in  favor  of  mortifyin  it ;  for 
never  wuz  flesh  so  belabored  ez  wuz  that  unfortunit 
chattel's.  The  flesh  wuz  imejitly  lasserated.  He 
pitched  into  him  feroshus ;  and  after  pummelin  the 
astonished  Aferkin,  who  didn't  see  why  the  result 
of  a  eleckshun  shood  work  sich  a  change,  till  he  wuz 
out  uv  breath,  he  condenst  wat  strength  wuz  re- 
mainin  into  one  vigrous  kick,  exclaimin  — 

"  Take  that,  yoo  black  swindler.  I've  talked 
sweet  to  yoo  under  false  pretenses.  I've  bin  be 
trayed  into  wastin  soft  sawder  onto  a  nigger — into 
coaxin  wher  I  hev  a  ondeniable  rite  to  command  — 
into  —  " 

"  Wat  does  all  dis  mean  ?  "  sed  the  nigger, 
faintly. 

"  Mean  !  "  sed  I  to  him  ;  "  my  frend,  this  is  the 
reaction  we've  heard  so  much  about  —  it  's  arriv. 
It  means  that  there  is  a  exceedinly  good  chance  uv 
yoor  bein  redoost  agin  to  yoor  normal  speer ;  uv 
yoor  com  in  down  from  the  high  hoss  yoove  bin  a 
ridin,  and  uv  bein  agin  a  servant  unto  yoor  brethren. 
It  means  that  Connecticut  hez  spoken,  and  that  yoor 
a  good  deal  more  valyooable  to  us  now  than  yoo 
wuz  a  hour  ago.  Go,  my  friend,  and  buy  salve  for 
yoor  brooses  ;  for  unless  yoor  heeld  yoor  valyoo  will 


n6  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

be  less  in  the  markit.  Yoo'd  be  ashamed  to  sell  for 
a  low  price  —  woodent  yoo  ?  " 

I  left  the  Dimocrisy  jubilatin  and  come  on  to 
Washinton,  feelin  that  I  must  go  where  I  cood 
find  kindred  soles.  The  nite  I  arrived  there  wuz 
high  carnival  at  the  White  House.  The  President 
wuz  in  tall  feather.  Ther  wuz  Connecticut  visible 
all  over  him.  He  hed  a  wooden  nutmeg  for  a  buz- 
zum  pin  —  a  minatoor  bass-wood  ham  hung  from 
his  watch  fob,  and  in  honor  uv  the  occashun  they 
wuz  drinkin  punches  made  of  Noo  England  rum, 
with  small  slices  uv  Wetherfield  onyuns  in  em 
insted  uv  lemons.  Randall  sprung  toward  me  ez 
I  entered  the  room,  and  clasped  me  by  one  hand, 
the  President  by  tother,  and  we  then  —  not  alto 
gether  onlike  the  three  graces  —  embraced.  They 
hed  the  advantage  uv  me,  ez  they  hed  one  odor  — 
the  onion  —  wich  I  hedent,  but  I  stood  it.  Why 
not,  when  that  odor  wuz  from  the  breaths  of  those 
hevin  the  apintin  power?  I  wood  hev  stood  it  hed 
they  bin  eatin  assafetida. 

At  this  juncter  Sekretary  Welles  come  in. 

"  Ha  ! "  said  he,  "  why  this  unwonted  hilarity  ! 
why  this  joy  wher  greef  generally  holds  her  court ! " 

"  The  Conneticut  elecshun,"  said  Seward. 

"  O,  to   be   sure,"    sed   the   venerable   old   man, 


THREE    GRACES.      PnSe  116. 


THE  CONNECTICUT  ELECTION.  117 

vacantly  ;  "  I  remember.  Hawley,  wuz  it,  or  some 
other  man  who  wuz  elected  over  —  over  —  wat 
wuz  his  name?  —  our  candidate?" 

"  That  wuz  last  yeer !  "  sed  Seward,  angrily. 

"Well,  perhaps  it  wuz.  When  did  that  State 
vote  agin?"  asked  he,  innocently,  to  wich  no  anser 
wuz  given.  But  very  little  attention  is  paid  to  Sek- 
retary  Welles  by  any  one  'ceptin  Seward,  and  the 
fact  that  he  occasionally  undertakes  to  keep  him 
postid  in  current  events  is  ginerally  taken  ez  evi 
dence  that  he's  breakin  up.  Poor  William,  it's  evi 
dent  that  he's  passin  into  his  dotage. 

Thcr  wuz  a  pleasant  gatherin.  Cowan  wuz  ther, 
and  Saulsbury,  and  Garret  Davis,  and  Doolittle,  and 
Seymour,  and  Brooks,  and  more  congratulatory  let 
ters  wuz  read  than  wood  fill  a  page  of  the  Noo 
York  Herald.  John  C.  Breckinridge  hoped  this 
auspicious  event  wuz  the  beginnin  uv  good  feelin, 
presagin,  ez  he  trusted  it  did,  the  evenchooel  triumph 
uv  them  wich  he  hed  alluz  bin  proud  to  call  his 
friends.  Mayor  Monroe,  uv  Noo  Orleens,  hoped 
that,  after  this  evidence  uv  returnin  reason,  Presi 
dent  Johnson  wood  not  hesitate  to  remove  that 
second  Butler,  Gen.  Sheridan,  who  wuz  ojius  to 
every  friend  the  President  had  in  the  city  uv  wich 
he  wuz  lately  Mayor.  Gen.  Wise  sent  his  congrat- 


n8  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

ulashens ;  but  ez  they  okkepied  thirty-eigjit  pages 
uv  legal  cap  paper,  closely  written,  they  wuzn't 
read.  Mosby  sent  a  allegoricle  pipe  made  uv  a 
corn  cob,  onto  wich  wuz  carved  a  symbolicle  nigger, 
with  the  American  eagle,  a  clawin  vishusly  into  his 
wool,  with  his  congratulations;  and  Fernando  Wood, 
and  Jesse  D.  Brite,  and  Dan  Voorhees,  sent  theirn, 
and  Vallandigham  wanted  to  know  now  whether 
or  not  the  President  wuz  a  goin  to  accept  the  situ- 
ashen,  and  take  the  Dimocratic  party  to  his  buzzum? 
Ef  so,  he  hed  a  list  of  apintments  for  Southern 
Ohio,  wich  he  wished  made.  At  this  pint  the  ques 
tion  arose  whether  or  not  I  lied  not  better  move 
n.y  Classicle  and  Military  Institoot  to  Connecticut? 
I  am  a  practicle  man,  and  I  to-wunst  asked,  ez  per 
tinent  to  the  question,  whether  or  not  ther  wuz  a 
distillery  in  Connecticut ;  and  sekond,  whether  or 
not  ther  wuz  a  vacant  post  offis  within  four  miles 
uv  it. 

Sekretary  Randall  replied.  He  woodent  hold 
out  indoosements  that  he  coodent  fulfill.  He  wuz 
honest.  Honesty  wuz  his  best  holt  —  simple,  child 
like  strate-forwarclniss  in  his  deelins  in  politix  wuz 
his  cheef  failin,  and  had  well  nigh  been  his  rooin. 
The  first  query  was  easy  to  anser  —  the  eleckshun 
returns  wood  indicate  to  any  man  uv  ordinary  intel- 


THE  CONNECTICUT  ELECTION.  119 

lek  that  ther  wuz  distilleries  either  in  Connecticut 
or  very  handy  to  the  State  ;  but  ther  wuz  no  Post 
Offisis  to  spare.  To  carry  the  State  every  wim  of 
em  had  bin  solemnly  promised. 

The  President  remarkt  that  he  reely  shoodent 
think  that  triflin  circumstance  wood  interfere  with 
givin  uv  em  to  other  men. 

At  this  pint  I  broke  in.  I  told  em  firmly  that 
onless  I  cood  hev  a  better  post  offis  than  the  wun 
I  hed,  I  woodent  go.  I  cood  go  and  cood  move 
wat  there  is  of  the  College  bildins.  It  woodent  cost 
much  to  pay  freight  on  that  corner-stun.  I  spose  a 
better  one  cood  be  got  in  Connecticut  at  less  than 
the  cost  uv  transportin  it,  but  wherever  that  Dimo- 
cratic  College  is  built  that  must  be  the  corner-stun 
uv  it.  That  stun  is  hallowed.  Ther  are  tender 
assosiashens  hangin  round  it.  It  wuz  the  corner 
stone  uv  a  nigger  school-house  wich  we  burnt  to  the 
ground  the  nite  we  heard  uv  the  veto  uv  the  Civil 
Rites  Bill.  But  I  won't  go  to  Connecticut  onless 
my  subsistence  is  asshoored.  Ther  is  more  money 
ther  than  in  Kentucky;  but  I  doubt  whether  they 
wood  support  me  ez  well.  I  speek  frankly.  I  kin 
understand  why  a  man  kin  be  a  Dimocrat  in  Ken 
tucky —  he's  interested  in  niggers.  I  kin  appre 
ciate  the  Dimocrisy  uv  Suthern  Injeany,  Illinois, 


I2O  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

and  Ohio,  coz  they  come  from  that  region,  and  the 
sekond  generashun  ain't  got  to  be  voters.  I  kin 
understand  the  Dimocrisy  in  Heenan's  and  Fer 
nando  Wood's  deestricks,  but  pardon  me  —  I  want 
to  keep  very  clear  uv  Connecticut  Democrats.  A 
people  anywhere  in  Noo  England  wich  kin  delib- 
eritly  ally  theirselves  to  us  is  just  the  kind  uv  people 
I  don't  want  to  be  among.  I  instinctively  mistrust 
a  Yankee  who  hez  dickered  away  his  intrest  in 
Bunker  Hill.  I  hev  notist  that  a  Noo  Englander 
wich  come  South  and  married  an  old  maid,  or  a 
widder  with  a  plantation,  wuz  never  to  be  trustid ; 
and  it's  my  experience  .that  a  demoralized  Yankee 
—  one  who  hez  shed  his  early  trainin,  and  took  up 
anybody  else's  moral  close  —  is  about  the  meanest 
specimen  uv  a  white  man  on  the  face  uv  the  green 
earth.  He  hez  the  acootnis  wich  is  born  uv  a  bar 
ren  soil,  without  the  Puritanism  to  keep  it  within 
bounds ;  he  possesses  the  ability  to  make  a  livin 
on  his  native  rox,  but  his  laziness  impels  him  to  a 
easier  subsistence  in  milder  climes  ;  and  instid  uv 
fishin  for  mackrel  he  goes  South  and  fishes  for  men. 
A  Noo  Englander,  unrestrained  by  grace,  is  pizen, 
and  I  bleeve  Connecticut  is  full  uv  em.  I  hev 
heerd  Massachoosits  religion  aboozed,  but  its  suthin 
we  may  well  be  thankful  for.  I  hev  alluz  bin  thank- 


THE  CONNECTICUT  ELECTION.  121 

ful  that  the  Mayflower  brot  over  religion  ez  well  ez 
brains  and  will. 

Among  the  Connecticut  Democrisy  I  shood  stand 
no  show ;  and,  beside,  I  hev  too  much  self-respeck 
to  soshiate  with  em  on  terms  uv  equality.  Instid 
uv  foragin  on  them,  they'd 'manage  to  live  on  me. 
I  hev  lambs  to  shear  in  Kentucky,  and  I  don't  care 
about  changin  em.  I  don't  want  to  throw  any  cold 
water  onto  this  festive  occasion,  it  being  a  element 
we  all  despise  ;  but,  hev  we  any  asshoorence  uv  her 
continyooin  troo?  Ef  I  understand  it,  we  won  by 
means  uv  patronage,  and  running  a  War  Demo 
crat  —  a  bein  I,  in  common  with  all  the  troo  Democ- 
ricy,  despise.  We  can't  do  it  agin.  The  next 
blast  that  sweeps  from  the  North  will  bring  to  our 
ears  a  story  uv  another  kind.  One  swaller  don't 
make  a  spring.  I  hev  knowd  uv  calves  being  born 
with  two  heads.  This  election,  I  fear  me,  is  one 
uv  these  monstrosities  wich  Nacher  sometimes  per- 
dooses  to  show  what  she  is  capable  uv.  It  ain't 
normal.  I  hev  no  objeckshun  to  yoor  feelin  good 
over  it  —  it  rejoict  me,  coz  it'll  give  our  friends 
South  courage,  and  may  skeer  the  Radicals  into 
givin  us  better  terms,  but  — 

My  remarks  wuz  interrupted  by  Saulsbury,  who 
hed  bin  sureptitiously  drinkin  punch  with  the  ladle, 


122  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

and  the  odor  uv  the  onions  overcomin  him  he  rolled 
under  the  table,  and  very  shortly  thereafter  the 
meetin  broke  up.  I  leave  for  home  to-morrer,  or 
ez  soon  ez  I  kin  draw  my  mileage. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor  uv 
Biblikle  Politicks  in  the  Southern  Classikle  & 
Military  Institoot. 


THE  RUSSIAN  PURCHASE.  123 


xv. 


The  Russian  Purchase.  —  How  it  was  done. — 
Mr.  Nasby  really  the  Originator  of  the  Specu 
lation. 

WASHINGTON,  April  14,  1867. 

IT'S  done  !  Seward  did  it  —  him  and  me  ! 
The  American  Eagle  hez  coz  now  to  screem 
with  redoubled  energy.  Ef  the  Nashnel  bird  wuz 
a  angel,  I  shood  remark  to  it,  "  To'on  yoor  harp 
anoo  ; "  but  it  ain't,  and  therefore  sich  a  rekest  wood- 
be  ridiculous.  This  rapsody  hez  refrence  to  the 
Rooshen  purchis. 

The  idea  originatid  in  these  massive  intelleck. 
When  I  wuz  here  afore,  the  Blairs,  all  uv  em,  wuz 
a  crowdin  the  sainted  Johnson  for  a  mishun.  Cowan 
wantid  a  mishun,  and  so  did  Doolittle  ;  and  that  day 
pretty  much  all  uv  the  delegates  to  the  Cleveland  and 
Philadelphy  Convenshens  had  bin  there,  wantin  some 
kind  uv  a  place  ;  wat,  they  wuzn't  pertikeler.  One 


124  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

gentleman,  whose  nose  (wich  trooly  blossomed  ez 
the  lobster)  betokened  long  service  in  the  party, 
urged  that  he  hed  bin  a  delegate  to  both  Conven- 
shens.  "  Thank  God  !  "  sed  Johnson.  "  Wood  that 
both  them  Convenshens  hed  bin  made  up  uv  the 
same  men.  I  wood  then  hev  bin  bored  for  places 
only  half  ez  much  ez  I  am." 

I  wuz  a  helpin  him  out  in  my  weak  way.  When 
the  crowd  wantin  places  become  too  great  for  human 
endoorance,  I  wood  say,  in  a  modrit  tone,  "  Let's  go 
out  and  git  suthin  ; "  and  to-wunst  fully  half  wood 
exclaim,  "  Thank  yoo,  I  don't  keer  ef  I  do ! "  It 
wuz  a  great  relief  to  Johnson,  but  wuz  pizen  on 
me.  With  the  most  uv  em,  the  anguish,  anxiety, 
and  solissitood  in  the  gittin  uv  offises  and  free 
drinks  wuz  about  an  ekal  thing.  The  offisis  they 
wantid  wuz  merely  the  means  to  that  pertikeler 
end  ;  and  so  long  ez  they  wuz  gittin  the  latter  with 
out  the  trouble  uv  the  former,  they  wuz  content. 
A  good  constooshen  and  a  copper-lined  stumick 
carried  me  thro  this  tryin  ordeel,  until  I  came  across 
a  Boston  applicant,  who,  in  consekence  uv  the  per- 
hibitory  law,  hed  bin  for  some  time  on  short  rashens, 
and  wuz  keen  set.  Napoleon  hed  then  met  his  Wel 
lington,  and  I  succumd.  The  man's  talent  wuz 
wonderful. 


THE  RUSSIAN  PURCHASE.  125 

• 
Sekretary  Seward  wuz  in  trouble  about  the  Blair 

family  pertikerly.  He  bed  did  his  level  best  for  em. 
He  bed  appinted  em  to  Collekterships  and  furrin 
misbuns ;  but  the  crooel  Senit,  wich  bed  no  respeck 
for  us,  took  delite  in  fastening  uv  em  onto  us  by 
perpetooally  rejectin  em.  *  Jest  after  a  long  siege  by 
Montgomery  and  the  old  man,  I  sejestid  the  purchis 
uv  the  Rooshen  Territory,  to  wich  not  only  they 
cood  be  sent,  but  a  thousand  uv  others  wich  we  hed 
on  our  hands  ;  and  the  Sekretary  wuz  so  pleased  at 
the  idea  that  he  wept  like  a  child.  With  a  vigor 
wonderful  in  one  so  old,  he  set  about  gittin  testi 
monials  ez  to  the  valyoo  uv  the  territory,  to  infloo- 
ence  the  Senit  in  ratifyin  the  treaty  he  was  agoin  to 
make.  And  he  wrote  to  a  naval  officer  about  it, 
who  answered  more  promptly  than  I  ever  knowd  a 
naval  offiser  to  do,  ez  follows :  — 

"  It's  trooly  a  splendid  country  !  The  trade  in  the 
skins  uv  white  bears  kin  be,  ef  properly  developed, 
made  enormous.  There  is  seals  there,  and  walruses 
so  tame  that  they  come  up  uv  their  own  akkord  to 
be  ketched. 

"  P.  S.  —  In  case  the  purchis  shood  be  made,  a 
naval  stashen  will  be  necessary.  May  I  hope  that 
my  long  services  on  the  Floridy  Coast  would  prove 


126  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

suffishent  recommendashen  for  the  command  uv  the 
depot  ?     May  I  ? 

"  I  hev  the  honor  to  be,"  &c. 

A  distinguished  Perfessor  wrote  :  — 

"  The  climate  is  about  the  style  uv  that  they  hev 
in  Washinton.  The  Gulf  Stream  sweeps  up  the 
coast,  causing  a  decided  twist  in  the  isothermal  line, 
wich  hez  the  effeck  uv  making  it  ruther  sultry  than 
otherwise.  Anywheres  for  six  hundred  miles  back 
uv  the  coast  strawberries  grow  in  the  open  air.  I 
recommend  strongly  the  purchis. 

"  P.  S.  —  In  case  the  purchis  is  made,  a  explorin 
expedishen  will  be  necessary.  May  I  hope  that  my 
scientiffik  attainments  are  suffishently  well  known 
to  yoo  to  recommend  me  as  a  proper  person  to  head 
the  expedishen  ?  May  I  ? 

"  I  hev  the  honor  to  be,"  et  settry. 

The  President  wuzn't  favorably  inclined.  He 
wuz  full  uv  the  old  fogy  idea  that  it  wuz  rather 
chilly  there  than  otherwise.  He  hedn't  faith  in  the 
Isothermal  Line,  and  wuz  skepticle  about  the  Gulf 
Stream.  It  wuz  his  experience  that  the  further 
North  yoo  got  the  colder  it  wuz.  For  instance,  he 


THE  RUSSIAN  PURCHASE.  127 

remarkt,  that  while  the  people  wuz  warm  toward 
him  in  Virginny  and  Maryland,  last  fall,  they  be 
came  very  cold  ez  he  got  North.  Wher  wuz  the 
Isothermal  Line  and  the  Gulf  Stream  then  ? 

Randall,  who  will  hev  his  joke,  remarkt  that  the 
isothermal  line  twisted.  He  notist  that  the  people 
made  it  ez  hot  for  em  ez  he  wantid  it  ez  fur  North 
ez  Cleveland  ;  to  wich  Sekretary  Welles  replied,  that 
it  only  confirmed  him  in  the  opinion  that  for  platin 
vessels  uv  war,  iron  wuz  preferable  to  pine  plank 
any  time. 

Seward  removed  the  President's  objections  to- 
wunst.  He  read  his  letters,  wich  set  forth  the 
beauties  and  advantages  uv  the  country  twict  over. 
Here  wuz  whales,  and  walrusses,  and  seals,  and 
white  bears,  and  pine-apples,  and  wheat,  and  sea- 
lions,  and  fields  uv  ice  the  year  round,  in  a  climit 
ez  mild  and  equable  ez  the  meridian  uv  Washinton. 
The  isothermal  line  wuz  more  accommodatin  ther 
than  in  any  other  part  uv  the  world.  It  cork 
screwed  through  the  territory  so  ez  to  grow  fine 
peaches  for  exportation  to  the  States,  and  ice  to  the 
Sandwich  Islands,  side  by  side.  He  drawd  a  picter 
uv  the  white  bear  a  rushin  over  the  line,  and  dis- 
portin  hisself  in  fields  uv  green  peas  !  Imagine,  he 
remarked,  the  delicacy  uv  Polar  bear  meat  fattened 


128  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

on  strawberries ;  think  uv  the  condishti  the  sea- 
lions  must  be  in  which  leave  their  watery  lairs  to 
feed  on  turnips  wich  grow  above  the  6oth  parallel ; 
think  uv  — 

"  It  won't  do,"  sed  the  President. 

"  Think  uv,"  retortid  the  Sekretary,  with  a  quick- 
nis  uv  intellek  remarkable,  "  think  uv  gettin  rid 
uv  the  Blairs  forever  I  " 

"Will  the  Ablishn  Senit  ratify  the  treaty?"  askt 
Johnson,  eagerly. 

"  I  converst  with  many  on  the  subjick,  and  they 
sed  ef  we  cood  promise  that  the  Blairs  would  ac 
cept  posishens  ther,  they  wood  do  it  cheerfly.  For 
sich  a  purpose,  sed  one  uv  em  to  me,  $7,000,000  is 
a  mere  bagatelle." 

"  I'll  do  it,"  sed  Johnson.  "  I  agree  with  the  Sen 
ators  for  once.  Rather  then  hev  it  fail,  I'd  pay  it 
out  uv  Mrs.  Cobb's  share  in  our  jint  spekelashens. 
Freedom  from  the  Blair  family !  Good  Hevings ! 
kin  one  man  be  so  blest?  Is  ther  sich  in  store  for 
me?  $7,000,000!  Pish!" 

My  opinyun  being  askt,  I  give  it.  Ez  hefty  ez 
the  vencher  is  from  a  commershl  stan-pint,  in  a 
politikle  pint  uv  view,  the  advantagis  will  be  still 
heftier.  The  Rooshn  territory  will  finally  be  the 
chosen  home  uv  the  Dimocrisy. '-  Ther  is  already 


THE  RUSSIAN  PURCHASE.  129 

a  populashen  there  adaptid  to  us,  who  kin  be  ma 
nipulated  without  trouble,  and  the  climit  is  favor 
able  to  a  strickly  Democratic  populashen.  The 
trouble  with  us  here  is  that  the  amount  uv  likker 
necessary  to  the  manufakter  uv  a  Democrat  kills 
him  afore  he  hez  a  opportoonity  uv  votin  many 
times,  wich  keeps  us  in  a  perpetooal  minority. 
Our  strength  is,  for  climatic  reasons,  our  weaknis. 
Far  diffrent  is  it  in  Roosha.  Ther  the  happy 
native  may  drink  his  quart  per  day  —  the  bracin 
atmosphere  makin  it  abslootly  nessary  for  him. 
Ther  is  the  troo  Democratic  paradise.  How  offen 
hev  I  sighed  for  sich  a  country.  Then,  again,  ther 
are  posishens  uv  profit.  The  delegates  to  Con- 
griss  will,  ef  I  hev  figgered  it  rightly,  draw  about 
$15,000  per  session,  mileage,  wich  is  $30,000  per 
year,  $60,000  per  term.  He  cood  afford  to  serve 
without  the  paltry  $5,000,  wich  wood  be  cheep 
legislatin,  indeed. 

And  so  it  wuz  agreed  upon,  and  the  treaty  wuz 
made  by  telegraph  at  a  expense  uv  —  I  forgit  egg- 
sackly  —  but  I  think  it  wuz  summers  in  the  neigh 
borhood  uv  $20,000.  Before  it  wuz  finely  con- 
clooded,  some  other  little  incidentals  wuz  inclooded 
by  the  Zar,  wich  run  the  price  up  to  $10,200,000, 
but  that  wuz  nothin  for  us.  Seward  went  at  his 
9 


130  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

work  with  great  energy.  The  Purchis  wuz  divided 
up  into  six  territories  (for  the  number  uv  dele 
gates  to  our  convenshuns  wuz  large,  and  they  all 
lied  to  be  provided  for),  wich  wuz  named,  respec 
tively,  Johnson,  Seward,  Cowan,  Doolittle,  Randall, 
and  Welles.  For  the  one  in  the  extreme  North,  the 
furthest  oft',  Frank  Blair  wuz  appinted  Governor ; 
for  the  next,  Montgomery  ;  and  the  next,  the  old 
man,  and  the  other  three  wuz  held  in  reserve  for 
the  pure  but  unfortunate  patriots  wich  might  be 
hereafter  rejected  for  the  Austrian  mishun.  A  list 
wuz  prokoored  uv  the  delegates  to  our  various  con 
venshuns,  and  them  ez  hed  bin  martyred  by  the 
Senit ;  ther  names  wuz  put  into  a  wheel  ez  at  Gift 
Enterprises,  and  the  Judgeships,  Marshalships, 
Clerkships,  et  settry,  wuz  drawd  by  lot.  This  ijee 
was  sejested  by  Postmaster-General  Randall,  ez 
bein  the  easiest  way  of  doin  it.  He  statid  that  the 
appintments  from  his  department  hed  alluz  bin 
made  in  this  manner,  ez  it  saved  time  in  eggsaminin 
petitions,  cirtifikets  uv  fitnis,  and  sich.  In  this  way, 
about  ez  near  ez  I  kin  estimate,  two  per  cent,  uv 
those  claimin  posishens  at  our  hands  hev  bin  pro 
vided  for. 

The  idea  is  capable  uv  unlimited  extension.     The 
Administration  feelin  the  releef  it  hez  gin  em,  are 


THE  RUSSIAN  PURCHASE.  131 

already  negotiatin  for  the  British  Provinces.  This 
territory  kin,  by  makin  uv  em  a  little  smaller,  be 
divided  up  into  —  say,  forty  —  which,  by  makin  a 
few  more  offises  for  each,  and  bein  libral  with 
explorin  expedishuns  and  sich,  will  be  sufficient  to 
give  places  to  all  who  really  have  claims  upon  us 
and  who  are  pushin  us. 

The  President  breathes  easier,  and  the  Secretary 
is  placid  ez  a  Summer  mornin.  He  hez  cut  the 
Gordian  knot ;  he  hez  rcleeved  hisself  uv  the  boa 
constrickter  wich  wuz  crushin  him  in  its  folds. 
Happiness  pervades  the  White  House. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich   is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor  uv 

Biblikle   Politicks   in   the   Southern    Classikle 

&  Military  Institoot. 


132  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


XVI. 


The  Radical  Change.  —  A  slight  Alteration  in 
the  Name  and  Policy  of  Mr.  Nasby's  "  Insti- 
tootr 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait 


)RIT  X  ROADS  i 
lit  uv  Kentucky),  > 
April  22,  1867.  ) 


TIMES  changes,  and  men  change  jist  ez  fast  ez 
times.  I  should  like  to  see  the  times  wich 
kin  change  faster  than  I  kin  ;  but  this  last  shift  I 
hev  bin  forced  to  make,  ruther  took  my  breth.  It 
wuz  sudden.  The  Connecticut  eleckshun  didn't  do 
us  much  good  after  all.  We  felt  well  over  it  for 
perhaps  a  day ;  but  ez  we  begun  to  git  other  indi- 
cashens  from  the  North,  we  didn't  jist  see  how  that 
little  spirt  wuz  agoin  to  help  us.  Cincinnati  went 
Ablishin  stronger  than  ever.  Chicago  ditto ;  and 
most  everywhere  the  Dimocratic  rooster  wuz  flat 
tened.  The  cabinet,  when  they  heerd  uv  Deekin 
Pogram's  assault  upon  the  nigger,  on  the  receet  uv 
the  intelligence  uv  the  election  news,  notified  me 


THE  RADICAL  CHANGE.  133 

officially  that  a  repetishen  uv  sich  loonacy  wood  be 
equivalent  to  a  reseet  uv  my  resignation,  even  tho 
the  post  offis  shood  be  discontinyood.  "  The  nig 
ger  vote  must  be  capchered.  Ifs  essenshel.  Wade 
Hampton  scz  so"  wrote  Randall  to  me,  and  I  repri 
manded  the  Deekin  for  his  recklessniss,  and  bor 
rowed  four  dollars  uv  Bascom,  who  is  the  only  man 
in  the  vicinity  who  hez  any  ready  money,  to  make 
it  all  right  with  him. 

We  held  a  meetin  uv  the  Drecktors  and  Faculty 
uv  the  Southern  Military  and  Classicle  Institoot  last 
evening,  to  decide  wat  course  that  instooshn  wuz  to 
take  in  the  grate  work  uv  surroundin  the  Ethiopian 
and  attachin  uv  him  to  us.  In  sich  a  time  ez  this, 
ez  I  menshend  to  Captain  McPelter,  it  won't  do  for 
our  institooshuns  uv  learning  to  stand  back.  These 
great  levers,  the  molders  uv  public  opinion,  must 
be  ez  progressive  ez  the  progressiveist,  and  must 
change  like  other  things  to  meet  the  requirements 
uv  the  times.  We  hev  commenst  our  march  into 
Africa,  and  thus  far  hev  we  gone  into  the  bowels 
uv  the  land  without  impediment,  to  speak  uv  —  let 
us  persevere.  Let  us  capcher  the  Ethiopian,  stink 
and  all. 

The  meetin  wuz  held  in  the  back  room  uv  Bas- 
com's,  owing  to  the  fact  that  it  wuz  rainin,  and  the 


134  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

roof  uv  the  Post  Offis  leaks.  I  bed  an  appropriashn 
some  time  since  from  the  Department  for  repairs ; 
but  bein  in  doubt  whether  it  wuz  intended  for  re 
pairs  on  the  Post  Offis  or  the  Postmaster,  I  gave 
the  prizner  the  benefit  uv  the  doubt,  and  got  a  new 
pair  uv  boots.  I  cood  better  endoor  the  slite  incon 
venience  uv  occasional  rain  than  to  go  barefoot. 

I  made  a  statement  uv  the  case,  and  sejisted  a 
radical  change  in  the  Institoot.  Captain  McPelter 
agreed  with  me.  He  felt  that  ther  hedn't  bin  that 
complete,  hearty  recognition  uv  our  Afrikan  breth 
ren  as  there  ought  to  be.  He  had  on  several  occa 
sions  allowed  his  nateral  vivacity  to  git  the  better 
of  his  proodence,  and  hed  waded  into  em  alarmin. 
The  old  ijee  of  Ham  and  Hagar  and  Onesimus  hed 
bin  so  drilled  into  him  in  his  yooth,  that  he  hed  to 
wrestle  with  it  to  keep  it  in  control,  and  in  spite  uv 
himself  it  often  got  the  better  uv  him.  He  sejisted 
that  the  name  uv  the  Institoot  be  changed  from 
"  The  Southern  Military  and  Classikle  Institoot," 
to  "  The  Ham  and  Japheth  Free  Academy  for  the 
Development  uv  the  Intellek  uv  all  Races,  irrespectiv 
uv  Color." 

That  he  thought  would  anser  the  required  end. 
The  colored  men  who  choose  to  avail  theirselves  of 
the  priviligis  afforded  by  this  institooshn,  when  it  is 


THE  RADICAL  CHANGE.  135 

finished,  kin  find  in  this  no  cause  uv  complaint. 
They  are  recognized.  They  are  given  the  prece 
dence.  They  stand  first  in  the  matter  and  foremost. 
Wat  more  kin  they  ask? 

Bascom  lied  a  series  uv  resolooshuns  wich  he 
desired  to  present.  He  sed  it  mite  be  looked  upon 
ez  strange  that  he  shood  favor  the  concentrashun 
uv  free  niggers  at  the  Corners,  but  he  hed  good  and 
suffishent  reasons.  First,  he  hed  faith  that  constant 
contact  with  the  Board  wood  bring  em  to  the  pint 
uv  patronizin  his  bar ;  but  ef  it  didn't,  he  knowd 
perfectly  well  that  the  Board  and  Fakulty  wood 
manage  to  git  all  they  hed,  for  board  and  tooition, 
wich  he  was  perfectly  certin  he'd  git  in  the  end. 
Wat  he  wanted  wuz  people  here  :  to  yoose  an 
illustration  borrered  from  his  biznis,  the  offishels  uv 
this  Institoot  wuz  the  funnel  through  wich  the 
wealth  uv  all  uv  em  wood  be  conducted  to  his  cof 
fers.  I  fell  onto  his  neck  in  rapcher,  and  then 
vowed  that  I  wuz  willin  to  die  for  his  good  —  that 
I  cared  not  how  much  uv  other  people's  money  run 
through  me  to  him  ef  'twas  thus  dilooted.  The 
resolooshens  presented  read  ez  follows  :  — 

"  Resolved,  That  the  name  uv  the  Southern  Mili 
tary  and  Classikle  Institoot  be  changed  to  i  The  Ham 


136      EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

and  Japbeth  Free  Academy,  for  the  Development  uv 
the  Intelleck  uv  all  Races,  irrespective  uv  Color.' 

"  Resolved,  That  in  makin  this  change,  we,  the 
Board  uv  Directors,  do  so,  assertin, 

"  i.  That  in  this  emergency  we  are  justified  in 
doubtin  whether  Noer  got  tite  at  all,  the  statement 
in  the  Skripters  to  that  effect  bein  ondoubtedly  an 
error  uv  the  translators. 

"  2.  That  ef  he  did  git  tite,  he  didn't  cuss  Ham 
at  all. 

"  3.  That  ef  he  did  cuss  Ham,  the  cuss  wuzn't 
intended  to  extend  beyond  Canaan  at  the  furthest, 
and  hence  his  descendants  go  scot  free. 

"4.  That  ef  the  cuss  wuz  really  and  trooly  in 
tended  to  attach  to  all  uv  Ham's  descendents,  irre 
spective  uv  color,  to  the  end  uv  time,  it  ain't  uv  no 
effeck  in  Kentucky,  ez  that  State  hez  allus  run  irre 
spective  uv  any  code,  'ceptin  sich  ez  hez  bin  adopted 
by  her  Legislacher. 

"  5.  That  the  theory  that  the  nigger,  irrespective 
uv  color,  is  a  beast,  is  a  deloosion,  a  snare,  which 
we  hev  alluz  practically  held,  no  matter  what  we 
may,  for  effect,  hev  sed,  ez  the  number  uv  mulattoes, 
to  say  nothin  uv  them  still  farther  bleached  in  Ken 
tucky,  abundantly  proves. 

"  6.  That  the  Ethiopian,  irrespective  uv  color,  is 


THE  RADICAL  CHANGE.  137 

trooly  a  man  and  a  brother ;  and  the  female  Ethi 
opian,  also  irrespective  uv  color,  trooly  a  woman 
and  a  sister. 

"  Resolved^  That  this  Institoot,  whose  name  is 
now  so  happily  changed,  shel  be  conducted  upon 
the  principles  uv  strict  ekality,  irrespective  uv  color. 

"  Resolved,  That  when  we  reflect  that  the  bloated 
aristocracy  uv  England  interdoost,  and  the  early 
settlers  of  Massachoosets  sankshund,  slavery  on  this 
continent,  forcin  it  really  onto  us,  we  bile  with 
indignashun  towards  em,  and  kin  hardly  restrane 
ourselves. 

"Resolved,  That  at  the  tables,  in  the  choice  uv 
rooms,  and  in  all  matters  where  there  is  a  choice, 
the  African  man  and  brother,  irrespective  uv  color, 
shel  hev  the  precedence. 

"  Resolved,  That  Oberlin  College,  by  not  givin 
the  sons  uv  Ham,  irrespective  uv  color,  the  prece 
dence,  shows  clearly  that  it  is  actooated  by  narrer- 
minded  prejudice,  wich  deserves  the  reprobashen  uv 
every  lover  uv  his  kind. 

"Resolved,  That  the  Ethiopian,  irrespective  uv 
color,  kin  change  his  skin,  and  that  his  odei-,  ef  he 
hez  any,  is  rather  pleasant  than  otherwise. 

"  Resolved,  That  we  look  with  loathing  upon  the 
States  North,  wich,  alluz  professin  friendship  for 


138  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

the  noble  black  man  uv  the  cotton  fields,  refooze  to 
take  him  to  their  buzzums,  irrespective  uv  color. 

"  Resolved,  That  ef  Massachoosits  and  Vermont, 
and  Northern  Illinois,  and  the  Western  Reserve  in 
Ohio,  are  honest  in  their  professions  uv  love  for  the 
negro,  they  will  come  down  with  donashuns  to  assist 
in  the  completion  uv  the  Academy." 

Deekin  Pogram  didn't  know  about  all  this.  He 
hed  bin  edikated  in  Ham  and  Hager,  and  wuz  a 
bleever  in  Onesimus.  He  doubted.  Sposen  after 
all  this  concession  the  nigger  shood  play  off  onto 
us?  Sposen  he  shoodent  vote  with  us  after  all,  but 
cling  to  his  Northern  friends?  Or  spose  he  shood 
vote  with  us,  and  we  shood,  thro  his  vote,  git  con 
trol,  wat  then?  How  cood  we  redoose  em  to  ther 
normal  condition  agin  after  all  this  palavrin? 

Bascom  replied  that  he  wuz  surprised  at  the  Dee- 
kin's  obtoosnis.  First,  ef  they  did  vote  with  the 
Ablishnists,  we  wuz  no  worse  off,  ez  that  wuz  wat 
they  proposed  to  do  any  how.  Ef,  on  the  other 
hand,  they  didn't,  what  then  ?  The  trouble  .with 
em  now  is,  they  know  too  much.  "  Let  em,"  sed 
Bascom,  warmin  up,  "  let  em  associate  with  us  a 
year,  let  em  vote  with  us,  et  cettry,  and  in  twelve 
months  they're  precisely  fitted  agin  to  be  servance 


THE  RADICAL  CHANGE.  139 

unto  their  brethren.  Look,"  sed  he,  "  at  the  North 
ern  Dimocrasy,  and  see  to  what  we  may  hope  to 
bring  these  men  in  time." 

But  little  more  bizness  wuz  transacted.  Beverly 
Nash,  of  South  Caroliny,  was  unanimously  called 
to  a  Professorship  ;  and  a  young  gentleman  uv 
color,  who,  from  his  strong  resemblance  to  Elder 
Gavitt,  ought  to  hev  biznis  capacity,  wuz  unani 
mously  elected  a  member  of  the  Board.  The  yoon- 
yun  is  perfect.  Ham  and  Japheth  hev  shaken  hands, 
and  are  embracin  each  other. 

May  prosperity  attend  the  nupchels,  and  may  the 
isshoo  be  fortunate.  I  hev  got  over  the  disgust 
attendant  upon  the  fust  chill,  and  am  consekently 
feelin  well. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor  in  the  Ham. 
and  Japheth  Free  Academy  for  the  Develop 
ment  uv  the  Intelleck  uv  all  Races,  irrespective 
of  Color. 


140  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


XVII. 

Mr.  Nasby  Preaches  a  Sermon  on  Universal 
Brotherhood,  the  Effect  of  which  is  destroyed 
by  Northern  Democratic  Papers.  —  fie  remon 
strates. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 


OST  UFFIS,   UONFEDRIT   X  ROADS         \ 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),   > 
April  25,  1867.       ) 


WE  are  in  continyooal  trouble  down  here  with 
these  cussid  niggers.  They  are  harder  to 
manage  than  pigs.  Pigs  don't  express  ther  pecool- 
yarities.  Mules  come  nearer.  Ther  is  sich  a  method 
in  their  obstinacy  —  sich  a  wilful  cussidnis,  that  I 
reely  hev  made  up  my  mind  that  I  don't  understand 
em  at  all.  They  cuddle  up  to  us  ez  kind  ez  a 
bloomin  maiden  does  to  her  first  adored,  and  they 
fling  us  just  ez  natral  ez  that  same  guileless  maiden 
does  when  number  two  heaves  in  site.  They  be 
have  well  for  a  season,  aperrently  for  no  other  pur 
pose  than  to  enjoy  our  discomfiture  when  they 
finally  throw  us.  I  hev  bin  a  gittin  a  suspishen 


SERMON  ON  UNIVERSAL  BROTHERHOOD.    141 

thro  me  that  they  ain't  half  ez  stoopid  ez  they  look  ; 
and  that,  after  all,  we  are  not  fur  from  the  trooth 
when  we  say,  in  our  resolooshens,  that  they  are  the 
ekals  uv  the  whites.  Why  shoodn't  they  be  ?  Ah  ! 
why,  indeed?  Why  shoodent  the  nigger  boy,  wich 
is  now  crossin  the  street,  wich  hez  Deekin  Pogram's 
feechers  ez  like  ez  a  photograff,  hev  ez  much  sense 
ez  the  Deekin?  I  hev  egsamined  into  the  pedi 
gree  uv  that  nigger,  and  I  find  that  his  mother  hed 
the  hawtiest  and  best  blood  uv  Virginny  coursin 
toomulchusly  thro  her  veins  —  and  that  stock  the 
Pogram  mix  coodent  materially  depreciate  in  one 
generashen. 

I  hed  the  niggers  uv  the  X  Roads  very  hand 
somely  in  tow  up  to  yisterday.  I  hed  em  attendin 
services  last  Sunday  at  the  meetin-house,  and  by 
private  arrangement  hed  em  seated  miscellaneously 
among  the  awjence.  Dekin  Pogram  hed  a  wench, 
wich  weighed  at  least  250  pounds  averdupoise, 
atween  him  and  his  wife,  while  four  other  niggers 
ornamentid  his  pew.  Bascom,  with  alacrity,  con 
sented  to  three ;  and  Elder  Gavitt  provided  seats 
for  four.  It  wuz  a  pleasant  site  !  White  and  black 
wuz  alternated  like  the  spots  on  a  checker-board  — 
niggers  and  whites  wuz  spread  out  together  like 
the  fat  and  lean  in  pork ;  and  ez  I  seed  it  I  cood 


142  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

hardly  restrane  my  emoshims.  There  before  me 
wuz  the  regenerashun  uv  the  Democratic  party  — 
there  wuz  wat  wuz  to  bring  us  out  uv  the  valley 
and  shadder  uv  death  into  wich  we  hed  fallen,  up 
on  the  high  ground  uv  offishel  life.  I  preached 
that  memrable  day  from  two  texts,  to  wit :  "  TJv  one 
blood  did  he  make  all  the  nashens  uv  the  earth," 
and  "  All  ye  are  brethren  ; "  and  I  orated  a  movin 
discourse.  I  demonstrated  with  great  fervor  the 
loonacy  uv  the  idea  that  the  Almighty  wood  take 
the  trouble  to  create  two  or  more  races  when  one 
wood  do  ez  well  —  wich  idea  is  alluz  well  receeved 
in  this  region.  All  men  form  their  idea  uv  the 
Deity  somewhat  from  themselves  ;  and  I  never 
knowd  a  Confedrit  Cross  Roader  to  make  two 
things  when  one  wood  anser.  I  refuted  the  theory, 
advanced  by  some  writers,  that  there  wuz  more 
than  one  head  to  the  race,  by  quotin  the  texts  wich 
treated  uv  the  creashen  uv  Adam  and  Eve,  and 
demolished  the  Ham  doctrine  at  site.  "  Ef,"  sed 
I,  "  Noer  did  cuss  Ham,  and  condemn  Canaan  to 
be  a  servant  unto  his  brethren,  how  do  we  know 
that  our  colored  brethren  and  sistren  is  the  desend- 
ants  uv  Ham  and  Canaan  ?  It  may  be  us  for  all  we 
know!  Is  it  his  color?  Is  not  black  jest  ez  con 
venient  a  color  ez  white?  " 


SERMON  ON  UNIVERSAL  BROTHERHOOD.    143 

"More  so,"  murmured  Mrs.  Pogrnm,  half  asleep, 
u  more  so  —  it  don't  show  dirt." 

"Is  it  his  shape?  O,  my  brethren,  I  ain't  a 
handsome  man,  nor  wood  I  exactly  anser  for  a 
model  for  Apoller.  Ef  beauty,  or  comeliness,  or 
shape,  or  style,  is  to  decide  the  pint,  may  the  Lord 
help  us!  Is  it  his  smell?  My  brethren,  the  New 
York  World  asserts  that  the  nigger  hain't  no  smell, 
and  ef  he  hez,  why  shoodent  he  hev?  Standin 
under  the  common  flag  uv  our  country,  with  his 
hand  upon  that  magna  charta,  the  Deklarashen,  and 
his  beamin  eye  turned  exultinly  toward  our  nashnel 
emblem,  the  eagle,  shall  not  our  Afrikin  brother  be 
allowed  to  smell  jist  ez  he  chooses  ?  Ef  smell  must 
be  uniform,  then  let  our  Government  establish  a 
Burow  uv  Perfoomery  to-wunst.  Besides,  I  take 
high  religious  grounds  in  this  matter.  Ef  he  hez 
a  natural  odor,  the  Lord  give  it  to  him.  Let  us 
not  fly  in  the  face  uv  the  Lord  by  condemin  it. 
Judge  not,  lest  we  be  judged.  The  odor  uv  the 
colored  gentleman  or  lady  is  the  work  uv  the  Lord 

—  the  odor  uv  yoor  unwashed  feet  is  yoor  own 

wich  shood  stand  the  highest? 

"  My  brethren  and  sistren,  I  acknowledge  that  I 
hev  not  long  held  these  views.  I  hev  showed  the 
common  prejudis,  and  hev  contemned  our  friends 


144  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY 

uv  color ;  I  hev  despitefully  used  'em ;  I  hev  gone 
for  'em,  and  banged  'em  like  old  boots.  But  it  wuz 
becoz  I  didn't  know  'em.  I  didn't  see  the  kernel 
of  meat  under  the  rough  shell :  I  didn't  recognize 
the  glitrin  diamond  in  the  ebony  coal.  My  eyes 
hev  bin  opened.  Like  Saul  of  Tarsus,  I  see  a  lite. 
Sence  the  passage  uv  the  Military  Bill  I  hev  diskiv- 
ered  many  things  too  tejus  to  menshun.  I  hev 
mostly  found  out  all  these  things  sence  that  occur 
rence.  But  let  us  accept  the  situashen,  and  bless 
the  Lord  that  it  hez  resultid  in  developin  excellen 
ces  where  we  didn't  expect  to  find  'em." 

There  wuz  an  affectin  scene  after  service  wuz 
over.  Deekin  Pogram,  Captain  McPelter,  and  Elder 
Gavitt  shook  hands  with  em  with  a  degree  uv  cor- 
jality  I  didn't  expect.  Trooly,  them  are  great  men. 
They  develop  a  degree  uv  adaptability  to  circum 
stances  wich  I  didn't  look  for.  I  really  bleeve  if 
I'd  a  told  em  that  it  wood  hev  a  good  efteck  to 
kiss  the  nigger  babies  all  round,  that  they'd  a  done 
it.  But  I  spared  em  this.  There  is  such  a  thing 
ez  laying  it  on  too  thick. 

But  all  this  wuz  spiled  the  next  day.  There  wuz 
an  eggstraordinarily  heavy  mail  that  day.  In  addi 
tion  to  the  paper  wich  Pollock,  the  Illinois  storekeeper, 


SERMON  ON  UNIVERSAL  BROTHERHOOD.    145 

takes,  ther  wuz  eight  others  ;  and  to  my  surprise 
they  wuz  all  directed  to  niggers.  "Wat  is  this?" 
thot  I  to  myself.  "  Hev  the  Ablishnists  uv  the 
North  determined  upon  proselytin  these  men,  and 
are  they  goin  to  flood  this  country  with  their  in 
cendiary  readin?  Ez  a  Federal  officer  it's  my  dooty 
to  look  into  the  matter !  "  Jist  imagine  my  delir 
ious  joy  at  finclin  that  they  wuz  Democratic  papers 
from  Noo  York  and  Ohio  !  "  Thank  Heaven  !  " 
sed  I,  "  our  people  hev  awakened  to  a  sense  uv  the 
necessity  uv  doin  suthin  ;  "  and  I  handed  the  papers 
out  to  em  with  impressive  words,  exhortin  uv  em 
to  read  em,  ez  they  wuz  trooth,  and  nothin  but  the 
trooth. 

I  ruther  think  they  read  em,  for  from  that  time 
out  they  avoided  me  ez  though  I  hed  the  plague. 
Ef  I  wuz  a  goin  down  the  street,  and  one  uv  em 
wuz  a  comin  up,  he'd  cross  the  street;  and  the 
pecoolyer  expression  uv  his  countenance  indicatid 
that  it  wuzn't  my  majestick  presence  wich  awd  him. 
They  hed  loathin  depicted  on  their  classick  feechers. 
Unable  to  endoor  this,  I  seezed  one  uv  em,  and 
asked  why  I  wuz  treated  thus? 

Delibritly  he  pulled  out  uv  his  pockit  one  uv  them 
cussid  Northern  papers,  and  openin  it,  pintid  indig- 
10 


146  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

nantly   to    a    editorial    article.      It   wuz    perfoosely 
headed  in  this  wise  :  — 

Shel  niggers  vote?  —  Shel  the  prowd  Cauca- 
shen  be  redoost  to  a  ekality  with  the  disgustin 
Afrikin? —  Is  this  a  white  man's  government  or 
not?  —  Ameriky  for  white  men ! 

Sed  this  Ethiopian,  with  his  fingers  on  this 
headin,  "  'Pears  like  ez  ef  dah  wuzn't  jist  dat  good 
feelin  towards  us  colored  men  on  de  part  ob  de 
Dimoc'sy  ob  the  Norf  dat  dah  ought  to  be.  'Pears 
like  as  dough  up  dah  wha  de  niggah  ain't  got  no 
vote,  dat  dey  don't  intend  he  shel  hab  it.  'Pears 
like,  ef  Dimoc'sy's  one  ting  all  ober  de  country, 
dar's  a  cussid  site  ob  humbug  a  goin  on  down 
heah !  " 

Wat  cood  I  say  ?  Wat  cood  I  do  ?  There  it  wuz 
in  black  and  white  ;  and  from  papers  whose  Dimoc- 
risy  could  not  be  questioned.  I  wuz  dumbfoundid. 
The  nigger  stalked  hawtily  and  proudly  away  in 
one  direckshen,  while  I  sneaked  ofFruther  sneakinly 
in  another. 

I  hev  one  word  to  say  to  our  brethren  in  the 
North.  Yoo'r  doublin  our  troubles,  and  makin  our 


SERMON  ON  UNIVERSAL  BROTHERHOOD.    147 

burdens  harder  to  bear.  Why  can't  yoo  understand 
common  sense?  Wat  hurt  wood  nigger  suffrage  do 
yoo  up  there  wher  ther  ain't  no  niggers,  and  how 
much  wood  it  benefit  us  down  here  wher  tiler's 
millions  uv  em?  Can't  yoo  see  it?  We  can't  play 
the  same  game  on  the  niggers  that  we  used  to  play 
on  the  sturdy  yeomanry  uv  Berks  County,  Pennsyl- 
vany,  and  other  localities.  On  all  questions  hereto 
fore  the  Dimocrisy  hez  allowed  a  liberal  license.  We 
hev  bin  Free  Trade  in  Noo  York  and  Tariff  in 
Pennsylvany  the  same  year,  and  we  cood  do  it.  Sich 
Dimocrats  didn't  git  ther  asshoorences  from  papers, 
owin  to  their  inability  to  perooze  em  rapidly,  it  bein 
so  long  afore  they  got  a  word  spelled  out  that  they 
forgot  the  one  precedin  it,  wich  destroyed  the  con 
nection,  the  continuity  uv  the  narrative,  ef  I  may 
so  speak,  and  wat  we  told  em  wuz  gospel.  That 
won't  do  with  the  nigger  down  here'.  He  reads,  he 
does ;  and  ef  he  don't,  ther's  alluz  everywhere  some 
sich  sneakin  cuss  ez  Pollock,  who  reads  for  him, 
and  they  know  wat  they  know  jist  ez  well  ez  any 
body.  Let  em  stop  hammerin  the  nigger.  It 'won't 
do.  Ef  he's  to  be  a  man  and  a  brother  here,  he 
must  be  a  man  and  a  brother  there.  Ef  the  Dimoc 
risy  must  hev  a  race  to  look  down  on,  let  em  turn 


148  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

their  attenshun  to  the  Chinese  or  the    Injuns,  but 
from  this  time  out  the  nigger  is  sacred. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor  in  the  Ham 
and  Japheth  Free  Academy  for  the  Develop 
ment  uv  the  Intellek  uv  all  Races  irrespectiv 
of  Color. 


DEATH  OF  ELDER  GAVITT.  149 


XVIII. 


The  Decease  of  Elder  Gavitt.  —  Mr.  Nasby  an 
nounces  the  Death  of  his  Friend  and  mourns. 
—  A  touching  Obituary. 


ROADS      \ 

jntucky),  V 

8,   l867.        J 


POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
'Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
May  2,  1867. 

A  ELITE  hez  fallen  o'er  my  soul.  My  eyes, 
albeit  unused  to  the  meltin  mood,  hev  dis 
tilled  nothin  but  tears  for  twelve  hours.  A  Filler 
hez  fallen  !  In  the  meetin-house  there  is  a  vacant 
pew.  and  a  chair  at  Bascom's  is  without  a  setter. 
Last  nite,  at  precisely  nine  P.  M.,  Elder  Abimileck 
Gavitt  departed  this  life,  aged  63  years  and  some 
odd  months. 

I  weep  ez  I  write.  The  Elder  wuz  snufft  out  jest 
ez  the  flowers  uv  spring  wuz  cumin — jest  ez  the 
weather  wuz  a  gittin  warm  enough  to  go  barefooted 
— jest  when  it  wuzn't  nessary  to  bother  about  get 
ting  fire-wood,  or  be  concerned  about  feedin  the  stock 
—  jest  when  it  begins  to  be  comfortable  a  settin 


150  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

onto  the  grocery  stoop  —  jest  at  the  threshhold  uv 
six  months' enjoyment.  Why  wuz  he  taken?  Ekko 
ansers.  The  ways  uv  Providence  is  inskrootable. 

Elder  Gavitt  wuz  a  native  uv  North  Karliny, 
wich  State  he  left  in  the  blush  uv  early  manhood, 
jist  after  he  wuz  married.  Wat  he  left  North  Kar 
liny  for,  I  never  wuz  able  to  assertane  percisely  ; 
but  I  hev  understood  that  it  wuz  suthin  in  connec 
tion  with  a  smoke-house,  and  the  hams  wich  did 
hang  therein.  He  wuz  in  a  Whig  naberhood  — 
his  naber,  the  proprietor  of  the  smoke-house,  wuz 
a  Whig  —  ther  wuz  sum  hams  mist  —  the  rinds  wuz 
found  in  his  possession  —  Whig  intolerance  and  per- 
sekooshen.  Upon  sich  slite  evidence  he  wuz  ad 
judged  guilty  of  theft,  and  wuz  ignominiously  rid 
on  a  rale,  and  ordered  to  leave  the  country  in 
twenty-four  hours,  wich  he  did,  driftin  nat'rally  to 
Kentucky.  Thank  Heaven  for  sich  outrages  !  But 
for  sich,  Kentucky  wood  hev  bin  a  Republican 
State,  or  wood  hev  remained  unsettled  to  this  day. 

Elder  Gavitt  wuz  alluz  a  Democrat  uv  the  strict 
est  sect.  He  voted  for  Jackson,  and  reglerly  for 
every  Democratic  candidate  sence.  He  didn't  read 
very  much  ;  indeed,  ef  I  remember  right,  he  cood- 
ent  do  it  at  all,  and  wuz,  consekently,  stedfast  in  the 
faith.  He  wuzn't  shook  about,  and  driven  hither 


DEATH  OF  ELDER  GAVITT.  151 

and  yon  by  every  wind,  but  remained  thro  life  fast 
in  the  groove  into  wich  he  bed  bin  origenelly  sot. 
His  politikle  creed  wuz  made  up  uv  this  one  idee, 
to  wit :  Hatrid  uv  Noo  England.  He  hatid  Noo 
England  becoz  Noo  England  hatid  whiskey,  wich 
he  coodent  git  along  without,  and  slavery,  uv  wich 
he  bed  a  hundred  niggers.  He  votid  agin  Noo 
England  all  his  life  reglerly,  and  ez  many  times  on 
each  eleckshen  day  ez  he  cood  without  risk. 

My  acquaintance  with  the  deceest  commenst  about 
three  years  ago.  It  wuz  at  his  house  I  stopt  on  my 
advent  into  these  parts.  Ther  wuz  no  need  uv 
formel  introduckshens  —  ther  wuz  already  a  bond 
atween  us  wich  knit  our  souls  together.  His  eye, 
ez  it  lit  onto  my  nose,  lighted  up  with  a  smile  ;  and 
ez  I  gazed  on  hizzen,  I  felt  that  he  wuz  indeed  a 
man  and  a  brother.  He  took  me  in —  he  sheltered 
me  —  he  gave  me  whereof  to  eat  and  to  drink  and 
to  make  merry,  and  with  him  I  tarried  till  I  wuz 
reglerly  installed  ez  pastor  uv  the  Church,  and 
thereby  reglerly  pervided  for. 

The  cause  nv  the  Elder's  death  wuz  a  broken 
heart.  He  wuz  a  ardent  Confedrit,  and  manfully 
bore  up  under  the  reverses  of  the  war.  His  cour 
age  wuz  unshaken  doorin  the  repeated  successes  uv 
the  Federal  armies ;  and  even  when  emancipation 


152  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

deprived  him  uv  his  slaves,  he  still  hed  faith  that, 
evenchooally,  all  wood  be  well.  "  We  may  be 
beeten  now,"  wuz  his  constant  remark,  "  but  the 
Northern  Dimocrisy  are  all  right,  and  thro  them 
we'll  yet  conker  !  "  Confidin  in  em,  bleevin  in  em, 
he  held  out  brave  up  to  the  passage  uv  the  Military 
Reconstruckshen  Bill. 

I  then  saw  a  change  steel  insensibly  over  my 
venerable  friend.  His  head  bowed  with  stipprest 
grief —  his  bosom  throbbd  \vith  the  emoshen  that 
wuz  strugglin  for  uttrance.  He  wood  come  over  to 
my  offis  five  or  six  times  a  day,  and  ask  me  to  read 
him  that  passage  uv  the  law  givin  the  nigger  the 
ballot.  I  wood  do  it,  when,  without  sayin  a  word, 
he  wood  reel  off,  with  tears  flowin  down  his  wasted 
cheeks,  to  Bascom's.  I  wood  foller  him,  to  see  that 
no  harm  came  to  him.  The  old  man  wuz  so  bro 
ken  that  he'd  pay  for  his  own  likker  and  mine  too, 
without  noticin.  Fearin  to  awaken  unplrffesant  emo- 
shens  in  his  mind,  I  never  menshend  the  latter  cir 
cumstance. 

Things  grew  worse  with  him.  When  Mr.  Ran 
dall  wrote  me  to  consiliate  the  niggers  ez  Wade 
Hampton  wuz  a  doin  it,  the  old  father  in  Democ- 
risy  obeyed  without  a  murmur.  Democrisy  wuz 
his  first  idea,  and  he  obeyed  her  behests,  tho  'twuz 


DEATH  OF  ELDER  GAVITT. 


'53 


consoomin  his  very  sole.  He  shook  hands  with 
niggers  at  my  rekest,  tho  the  touch  wuz  ez  red  hot 
iron  ;  he  took  two  of  em  into  his  pew,  tho  his 
promoxity  to  em  set  him  a  shakin  like  the  ager ; 
and  he  votid  to  change  the  name  and  objects  uv 
the  Institoot,  tho  the  convulsive  workins  uv  his 
face  showd  wat  the  struggle  cost  him. 

Day  by  day  the  Elder  faded.  The  iron  entered 
his  sole,  and  it  wuz  corrodin  !  corrodin  !  corrodin  ! 
and  eatin  him  up  by  degrees.  He  walked  the 
streets  listlessly,  his  eyes  suffoosed  with  teers,  and 
his  lips  movin  ez  ef  mutterin  suthin  to  hisself.  I 
become  concerned  for  him,  and  so  did  the  entire 
cirkle.  Bascom  figgered  up  his  akkount  at  his  bar, 
and  went  to  the  records  to  see  whether  his  farm 
wuz  unencumbered,  and  sich  uv  the  neighbors  ez 
heel  lent  him  small  sums  sot  about  gittin  em. 

Last  Sunday  the  pitcher  went  to  the  well  for  the 
last  time.  I  hed  four  niggers  in  his  pew,  upon 
whom  he  looked  vacantly,  but  sed  nothin.  After 
servis,  I  stopped  him.  "  Elder,"  sez  I,  in  a  whis 
per,  "  it  wood  hev  a  good  effeck  ef  yoo  cood  kiss 
them  little  nigger  girls." 

"  Parson !  "  sed  he,  tremblin  like  a  leaf,  "  is  it 
abslootely  necessary  ?  " 

"  It  is,"   sez  I    firmly,   "  a  dooty  evry  Dimokrat 


154  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

owes  to  his  party,  in  this  crisis,  to  kiss  ez  many 
nigger  children  ez  possible." 

A  strange  expression  lit  up  the  old  man's  coun 
tenance.  In  a  frenzied  manner  he  kissed  all  there 
wuz  in  the  church,  and,  ez  ef  insane,  commenst  on 
the  adult  femails  uv  that  persuasion.  With  diffi 
culty  we  restrained  him  ;  but  breakin  loose  from  us, 
he  startid  down  the  street,  a  running  down  and  kissin 
every  nigger  child  his  eyes  restid  on.  Finally  he 
sunk  to  the  erth  eggsaustid,  and  we  bore  him  to  his 
house  and  put  him  to  bed.  From  that  bed  he  never 
ariz.  He  wuz  a  goner.  We  heel  to  give  him  his 
likker  in  a  spoon,  and  I  never  knowed  a  Kentuck- 
ian  to  recover  who  wuz  past  drinkin  out  uv  a 
bottle. 

Slowly  his  strength  wasted.  Yesterday  he  ral 
lied  and  asked  for  me,  ez  the  candle  uv  life  flickered 
feebly  in  the  socket. 

"  Perfesser !  "  sed  he,  with  an  effort,  "  is  Ken 
tucky  to  rool  the  niggers,  or  the  niggers  to  rool 
Kentucky?  Has  the  Dimocrisy  swallered  the  nig 
ger,  or  the  nigger  swallered  the  Dimocrisy?" 

And  all  wuz  o'er !  He  fell  back  a  piece  uv  clay, 
wich  never  cood  rally  to  the  poles  agin. 

Bascom  and  I  turned  aside  and  wept.  Sed  Bas- 
com,  "  Hed  he  lived  two  years  more  I  wood  hev 
hed  his  farm." 


DEATH  OF  ELDER  GAVITT.  155 

"  Not  any,"  sed  I,  bustin  into  teers.  "  I  wood 
hev  hcd  it  to  endow  the  Institoot." 

"  In  that  event  it  wood  evenchooally  hev  bin 
mine,"  gasped  Bascom,  relapsin  into  a  fresh  spasm 
uv  grief. 

We  buried  him  yesterday.  It  wuz  the  biggest 
funeral  ever  knowd  at  the  Corners.  It  was  a 
tetchin  site.  Standin  around  his  bier,  wuz  his  four 
children  by  his  first  wife,  and  his  six  children  by 
his  second  wife,  and  twelve  or  fifteen  other  children 
uv  all  colors,  from  that  uv  a  new  saddle  up  to  dark 
molasses,  who  insisted  upon  bein  counted  in  ez 
mourners.  It  wuz  the  tightest  place  I  wuz  ever 
in  in  my  life. 

"  My  friends,"  sed  I  to  em,  "  is  this  seemly?  Is 
this  proper?" 

They  replied  that  it  wuz.  "  I  mourn  a  father," 
sed  one  ;  "  not  much  uv  a  father,  but  he  wuz  the 
only  one  I  ever  hed."  "  I  mourn  a  husband,"  sed 
the  mother  uv  the  first  speaker,  "  not  legally  a  hus 
band,  but  morally,  or  rather,  immorally."  "  We 
weep,"  sed  all  these  various  shades  in  korus,  and 
they  bustid  out  into  a  torrent  uv  greef  wich  com 
pletely  extinguished  them  on  the  tother  side  uv  the 
grave,  wich  hed  the  legle  rite  to  mourn. 

Ez  a  matter  uv  coarse,  it  ended  in  a  row.     Issa- 


156  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

ker  Gavitt  swore  that  no  cussid  bleached  niggers 
shood  shed  teers  at  his  father's  funeral  ;  and 
Amandy  flew  at  a  quadroon  wich  wuz  cryin  too 
prominently,  and  Mrs.  Gavitt  attacked  the  quad 
roon's  mother  \\7ho  wuz  displayin  altogether  too 
much  white  pockit  hankercher.  In  the  melee  I 
left,  satisfied  that  Democrisy  hez  altogether  too 
many  rough  pints  to  git  over  pleasant. 

I  feel  it   my  clooty  to  erect  a  monument   to   the 
memory  uv  this  good  and  true  man  —  this  martyr 
to  Democrisy.     Demokrats,  feelin  an  interest  in  the 
matter,  and  wishin  to  contribute  to  the  work,  may 
send  by  mail  sich  donashens  ez  they  see  fit,  to  me, 
with  perfect    confidence  that   they  will  be  yoosed. 
Let  em  remember  that  but  for  his  devoshen  to  the 
coz  he  wrood  hev  bin  livin  to-day.     Ef  we  cannot 
do  much  for  the  livin,  let  us  not  forgit  the  dead. 
PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor  in  the  Ham 
and  Japheth  Free  Academy  for  the  Develop 
ment  uv  the  Intellek  uv  all   Races  irrespectiv 
of  Color. 


JEFF  DAVIS  IN  RICHMOND.  157 


xix.   . 

Triumphal  Progress  of  J.  Davis  from  Fortress 
Monroe  to  Richmond. 

THE  "  SpoTTSweoD,"  RICHMOND,  VA.,  ~) 
May  13,  1867.      ) 

IN  castin  a  retrospective  glance  backerd  over  the 
pathway  uv  the  past,  I  kin  see  many  mistakes 
wich  I  hev  made.  I  hevn't  alluz  made  the  most  uv 
opportoonities  —  I  hev  doubtid  when  doubtin  wuz 
a  crime,  and  I  hev  stood  shivrin  on  the  brink  and 
feared  to  lanch  away,  when  on  the  tother  side  uv 
the  Jordan  wuz  pelf  and  profit.  Our  foresite  isn't 
alluz  ez  good  ez  our  hind-site.  The  great  error  uv 
my  life  wuz  in  not  plungin  headlong  into  the  war 
ez  a  Confedrit  Major-General,  distinguishin  myself 
for  crooelty  to  Fedral  prizners,  and  bein,  at  the 
close  uv  the  fratrisidle  struggle,  reseeved  and  em 
braced  ez  a  long-lost  brother  by  the  Northern  peo 
ple  (lettin  em  kill  fattid  calves  for  me),  and  uv 
coorse  bein  the  objeck  uv  sympathy  ez  a  marter  by 
the  Southern  people.  In  this  sitooashen  a  man  hez 


158  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

<» 
two  strings  to  his  bow.     He  brings  to  his  support 

the  two  extremes.  He  fetches  together  Horns 
Greely  from  the  one  side,  and  General  Boregard 
from  the  t'other  —  they  embrace,  and  standin  onto 
both  their  sholders,  he  hez  wat  may  be  called  a  soft 
thing  uv  it. 

I  wuz  led  into  these  train  uv  reflections  by  the 
experience  I  hev  hed  with  our  sainted  cheef,  Jeffer 
son  Davis.  I  wuz  seftt  hither  by  the  President  to 
see  that  everythin  wuz  done  for  the  comfort  uv  the 
illustrious  man  that  cood  be  done,  on  the  occasion 
uv  his  contemplatid  trip  to  Richmond.  Partikelerly 
I  wuz  charged  to  see  that  everything  calkelatid  to 
jar  onto  his  sensitive  feelins  be  removed  —  every 
thin  wich  cood  wound  his  sense  uv  hearin,  seein, 
or  smellin. 

The  grate  man  had  consentid  to  go.  He  hed 
bin,  he  felt,  illegally  deprived  uv  liberty  —  uncon- 
stooshnelly  in  fact  —  and  ef  he  shood  consult  his 
own  feelings  he  wood  remane  ;  but  to  forgive  wuz 
divine.  Viewin  these  perceedins  in  the  lite  uv  an 
apology,  he  wood  go. 

The  day  hed  arrived.  The  steamer  wuz  at  the 
Fortress  carefully  prepared  to  receive  its  illustrious 
burden.  It  hed  been  thoroughly  cleaned  and  fumi 
gated,  the  cabins  hed  bin  nooly  furnisht,  and  speshel 


JEFF  DAVIS  IN  RICHMOND.  159 

alterashens  made  for  the  President  and  party.  Ther 
wuz  Yoonited  States  officers  and  soljers  aboard ; 
but  out  of  respeck  for  the  fcelins  uv  their  illustrious 
"  prizner,"  ez  he  is  technically  called,  they  kept 
theirselves  carefully  out  of  his  site,  that  the  color 
uv  their  uniforms  might  not  awaken  onpleasant 
refleckshens.  So  perfeck,  indeed,  wuz  the  arrange 
ments,  that  the  railin  uv  the  boat,  which  wuz  origi- 
nelly  bloo,  wuz  kivered  with  gray  cloth,  and  the 
eagle  figger-head  uv  the  craft  wuz  sawed  off.  This 
wuz  sejested  by  a  eminent  Conservative  uv  Noo 
York,  who  hez  a  large  Southern  trade  wich  he 
didn't  prejoodis  by  his  course  doorin  the  war.  The 
ladies'  cabin  wuz  originelly  assigned  to  the  party ; 
but  a  female  passenger  hed  no  more  regard  for  the 
comfort  uv  the  marter  than  to  die  on  the  passage, 
an  they  were  deprived  uv  it.  The  Conservative 
merchant  insisted  that  the  corpse  be  chucked  over 
board  ;  but  Mr.  Davis,  with  a  magnanimity  wich 
wuz  alluz  characteristic  uv  him,  refoozed.  "  No," 
said  he,  "let  her  rest  there.  I  kin  endoor  the 
inconvenience,  severe  as  it  is.  It  is  but  one  more 
attempt  to  break  my  sperit." 

All  the  way  up  there  wuz  the  most  tetchin  def 
erence  shown  him.  At  every  landin  the  people 
were  assembled  to  greet  him,  wich  he  acknowl- 


160  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

edged  with  a  condesenshen  I  never  saw  off  the 
stage.  He  conversed  but  little  on  the  passage  up. 
Ez  the  boat  was  a  sweepin  majestically  past  pints 
made  historicle  by  the  events  uv  the  great  struggle, 
his  eye  wood  brighten,  ef  they  wuz  sich  pints  ez  a 
Confedrit  cood  take  pride  in,  and  dim  with  teers  ef 
they  wuz  pints  at  wich  ther  had  bin  reverses. 

The  most  considrit  pi'eparashens  hed  bin  made  for 
his  resepshen.  Ther  wuz  no  irons  onto  him  :  the 
only  guards  in  site  wuz  them  wich  wuz  detailed  to 
keep  the  crowd  from  annoyin  him,  and  a  CM'riage 
wuz  in  readiness,  into  wich  we  seated  ourselves,  and 
wuz  driven  off  at  a  dignified  pace  to  that  resort  uv 
the  aristocracy  uv  Virginny  —  the  Spottswood. 
Here,  more  considerashen  wuz  shown.  Mr.  Davis 
being  averse  to  walkin  up  stairs,  a  suite  uv  rooms 
hed  bin  prepared  for  him  on  the  fust  floor,  and  the 
presence  uv  General  Burton,  uv  the  Federal  army, 
bein  obnoxshus,  he  wuz  assigned  by  the  Ex-President 
a  room  at  the  further  end  uv  the  corridor.  His 
nerves  bein  very  sensitive,  heavy  mattin  wuz  laid 
down  in  all  the  halls,  and  the  servants  uv  the  house 
wuz  especially  directed  to  wear  list  slippers,  and  to 
walk  on  their  tip  toes. 

I  wuz  invited  to  his  room,  and  wuz  favored  with  a 
few  minutes'  conversashen  with  the  first  of  Ameri- 


JEFF  DAVIS  IN  RICHMOND.  161 

kens.  Glancin  out  uv  the  winder,  his  fine,  soft,  gray 
eyes  restid  on  the  roof  uv  Libby.  "  Lies  !  lies  !  "  sed 
he,  angrily. 

"  Wat  speshel  lies  hev  yoo  reference  to?"  askt  I. 

"  Them  wich  wuz  publisht  in  the  scurrillous  re 
ports  uv  the  Committees  uv  a  unconstooshnel  Con- 
gris  regardin  the  treatment  uv  prizners  in  Libby. 
They  asserted  that  the  officers  died  becoz  they  hed 
but  ten  feet  by  two  for  sleepin,  washin,  cookin,  and 
eatin.  They  hed  that  space,  and  wat  more  wuz  ne 
cessary  ?  Why  give  'em  room  to  cook  when  they 
hedn't  anythin  to  cook?  Wherefore  room  to  eat  ef 
they  hedn't  anythin  to  eat?  No,  its  false.  It  wuzn't 
the  crowdin  that  perdoost  the  mortality." 

Only  wunst  wuz  his  buzzum  wrung,  and  that  the 
Government  cood  not  pervent.  He  wuz  a  standin 
at  the  winder,  gazin  out  upon  Richmond,  his  mind 
revertin  to  the  time  when  it  wuz  the  Capital  uv  his 
Confedracy,  when  a  procession  passed  with  moosic, 
and  flags,  and  banners.  With  a  shreek  uv  anguish 
he  buried  his  head  in  the  curtins,  and  wept  aloud. 
I  rusht  to  the  winder.  It  wuz  ez  I  feared.  Filin 
slowly  by  wuz  a  percession  uv  niggers  who  hed  past 
that  way  perposely.  "  Merciful  Heaven  !  "  sed  he, 
"  hez  it  come  to  this?"  and  he  wuz  very  reserved 
and  deprest  the  balence  uv  the  day. 
ii 


1 62  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

The  next  day  the  President  wuz  taken  to  the 
Court.  Ez  he  entered  the  room,  and  glanced 
proudly  over  the  awjence,  it  wood  hev  bin  very 
difficult  to  hev  decided  whether  he  wuz  a  goin  to 
try  the  Court  or  the  Court  him.  But  repressin 
hisself  he  took  his  seat.  Techin  solissitood  wuz 
displayed  in  the  Court  Room  for  his  comfort.  A 
crack  in  the  winder-casin  let  in  a  draft  uv  cold  air ; 
he  shuddered,  and  a  shudder  run  thro  the  entire 
assemblage.  The  shudder  uv  the  Conservative  mer 
chant  from  Noo  York  wuz  trooly  artistic.  Cotton 
wuz  called  for,  when  the  Conservative  merchant's 
wife  tore  off  one  uv  her  buzzums  and  stufft  the 
apertoor.  Wuz  ther  ever  more  techin  sacrifis  ? 
The  President  wept  ez  he  beheld  it.  On  asser- 
tainin  the  temperatoor  wich  best  sootid  his  system, 
a  thermometer  wuz  brot,  and  the  room  wuz  kept  at 
that  precise  degree. 

There  wuz  sum  triflin  legal  formalities  gone 
through  with,  and  the  President's  counsel  made  a 
motion  that  he  be  admitted  to  bail.  There  wuz  a 
stir  in  the  Court.  "  Make  it  a  million  !  "  sed  one, 
"  so  that  the  craven  North  shel  see  how  we  kin 
take  keer  uv  them  we  love  ! "  But  Judge  Under 
wood  fixed  it  at  $100,000,  and,  brisk  ez  bees, 
Schell,  a  Noo  York  Dimocrat,  several  Richmond 


,  N  >;  • 
! 


THREE     CHEERS     FOR     JEFFERSON     GREELEY.      Page  163. 


JEFF  DAVIS  IN  RICHMOND.  163 

Dimocrats,  and  Horris  Greely,  slept  forrerd  and 
signed  it. 

Never  shel  I  forgit  the  shout  that  assendid  ez 
Horris  wuz  a  signin  his  name. 

"  Three  cheers  for  JefTson  Greely  and  Horris 
Davis  —  one  and  inseprable,  now  and  forever  !  " 
shoutid  one  enthoosiastic  confedrit. 

u  Immortality  is  yoors  !  "  sed  another,  seezin  him 
by  the  hand  corjelly.  "Jeff 'son  Davis  is  the  big 
dog  uv  the  age,  and  yoo,  my  deer  sir,  are  now  the 
tin  kittle  tied  to  his  tale  !  Wat  joy  !  Wat  happinis  ! 
When  posterity  speeks  uv  Him,  they'll  speek  uv 
Yoo  ! " 

I  coodent  restrane  myself  no  more.  Bustin  into 
teers,  I  fell  onto  Greeley's  buzzum,  and  we  em 
braced.  Ez  he  hedn't  his  spekticles  on,  he  sposed 
it  wuz  Davis  hisself,  and  he  bustid  into  teers  also, 
and  there  wuz  wun  uv  the  most  strikin  tabloos  ever 
exhibited.  I  got  away  afore  he  diskivered  his  mis 
take. 

Here  wuz  the  endin  uv  our  troubles  —  the  con- 
summashen  uv  our  hopes.  Davis  wuz  free  !  The 
pent-up  emoshens  uv  the  people  found  vent.  Ez  he 
stept  into  the  street  the  people  crowded  to  the  car 
riage  wich  contained  us,  and  rent  the  air  with  cheers. 
We  reacht  the  hotel,  and  after  embracin  his  wife, 


164  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

a  season  of  religious  exercises  wuz  held.  The 
clergyman  who  hed  excloosive  charge  of  Davis's 
piety  doorin  the  war  wuz  present,  and  he  offered 
prayer.  He  prayed  fervently  that  the  Lord  wood 
forgive  the  people  of  the  North  for  the  wrong  they 
hed  done  our  sainted  head  ;  that  he  wood  forgiv,  ef 
possible,  the  late  head  uv  the  Fedral  Government 
who  hed  opposed  him  and  the  glorious  coz  ;  and  ef 
Divine  mercy  could  stretch  so  far,  that  he  wood 
forgive  the  Colonel  uv  Michigan  cavalry  wich  hed 
hunted  down  the  Saint  who  wuz  now  in  our  midst, 
and  made  uv  him  a  captive.  He  prayed  for  for 
giveness  for  the  reckless  men  of  the  North  who 
invaded  Virginny ;  for  the  noosepaper  condukters 
who  had  aboozed  him  who  is  now  with  us,  and 
particklerly  Horris  Greely,  who  hed  this  day,  in 
some  measure,  atoned  for  his  previous  wickidness. 
He  prayed  that  the  blessins  uv  Heven  might  rest, 
first,  upon  the  city  uv  Richmond,  then  upon  the 
balance  uv  Virginny,  and  afterward  upon  the  rest 
uv  the  Southern  States  ;  and  he  wound  up  wTith  a 
fervent  appeal  that  the  Ethiopians,  wich  coodent 
change  their  skins,  might  see  the  error  of  their 
ways,  and  return  to  their  normal  condishen. 

After  this  the  President  received  his  friends. 

I  am  not  permitted  to  give  more   uv  the  Presi- 


JEFF  DAVIS  IN  RICHMOND.  165 

dent's  plans  than  this  :  He  will  remain  in  secloosion, 
and  will  take  no  part  watcver  in  politics  until  after 
his  final  acquittal  in  November.  He  don't  feel  at 
liberty  to  take  hold  uv  the  Government,  so  long  ez 
ther  is  even  a  technikle  charge  agin  him.  Our 
friends  in  the  Northern  States,  who  expected  him 
to  take  the  stump  in  their  behalf  this  fall,  will  be 
disappintid.  I  return  to-morrer  to  Kentucky. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor  in  the  Ham 
and  Japheth   Free  Academy  for  the  Develop 
ment  uv  the  Intellek  uv  all  Races  irrespectiv 
of  Color. 


1 66  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


xx. 

A  Provision  for  the  Ex-President  of  the  Confed 
eracy.  —  Mr.  JVasby  tenders  him  a  Professor 
ship  in  his  "  Institoot." 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
May  26,  1867. 

To  JEFF'SON  DAVIS,  LATE  PRESIDENT  uv  THE  LATE 
SOUTHERN  CONFEDERACY. 

THE  undersined,  yoor  ardent  admirers,  who 
follerd  willinly  yoor  lead  in  the  late  tour  the 
South  took  for  addishnel  rites,  wich  unfortnitely  re- 
sultid  in  the  loss  uv  sich  uv  em  ez  we  had,  beg  leave 
to  tender  yoo,  ez  a  testimony  uv  their  esteem,  the 
Presidency  uv  the  Ham  and  Japheth  Academy  for* 
the  Development  uv  the  Intellek  uv  all  Races,  "  ir 
respective  uv  race  or  color,"  uv  wich  I  hev  the 
honor  to  be  one  uv  the  Fakulty. 

We  worshipt  yoo,  before  your  untimely  capcher 
in  female  apparel,  for  the  dignity  with  which  you 


JEFF  DAVIS  AND  THE  "!NSTITOOT."       167 

bore  yourself  doorin  your  prosperous  days,  your 
manliness  doorin  yoor  long  and  unconstitooshnel  in- 
carcerashen  in  a  Fedral  bastile,  and  your  hawty 
though  silent  assershen  uv  the  natral  sooperiority 
of  the  Southern  man  doorin  the  annoyin  perceed- 
ings  wich  endid  in  yoor  triumfant  release  from 
yoor  abasht  persecooters,  and  we  feel  confident  that 
in  yoor  hands  the  interests  uv  the  Institoot  will  be 
entirely  safe. 

Many  reasons  impel  us  to  this  course. 

First.  We  assoom  that  yoo  are  poor  in  this 
world's  goods.  Troo,  3-00  hed  oceans  uv  money 
passin  thro  the  Treasury  doorin  the  fratrisidle  strug 
gle  forced  onto  us  by  the  North  ;  but  wat  chance 
hed  yoo  for  steelin,  with  Benjamin  and  Mallory, 
and  them  fellows  with  yoo,  who  hed  the  benefit  uv 
practice  doorin  Pierce  and  Bookannon's  adminis 
trations?  A  man  coodent  make  day's  wages  pecu- 
latin  in  a  Treasury  wich  them  men  hed  gone 
through. 

Second.  Yoo  wood  be  uv  benefit  to  us.  With 
yoor  name  at  the  head  uv  our  Faculty,  the  Northern 
Democracy  would  shell  out  their  stamps  with  a  lib- 
ralty  never  before  witnest,  and  the  Institoot  wood  be 
endowed  heftier  than  any  similar  institooshen  in 
the  country.  The  King-'s  name  is  a  tower  uv 


1 68  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

strength.  Remember  that  the  Democrisy  uv  the 
North  giv  the  exil  Vallandigum  $30,000  in  ten 
cent  contribooshens.  Ef  they'd  do  that  for  him, 
and  sich,  wat  woodent  they  doo  for  yoo?  The 
greater  swallers  up  the  less.  There  never  will  be 
sich  a  favorable  opportunity  for  yoo  to  become  a 
ten  center,  wich  is  trooly  equivalent  to  bein  a  hed 
center. 

Ez  a  matter  uv  coorse  yoo  will  hev  objeckshuns. 
Knowin  wat  they  will  be,  we  anser  em  in  advance. 

i.  The  incomplete  state  uv  the  Institoot.  We 
acknowledge  that  it  isn't  in  sich  a  state  uv  com- 
pletidnis  as  we  cood  desire.  Not  to  put  too  fine  a 
pint  onto  it,  it  ain't  built  at  all.  But  the  corner- 
stun  is  laid.  There's  a  good  deal  in  that.  A  cor- 
ner-stun  is  a  good  thing.  The  corner-stun  uv  the 
Institoot  is  laid.  From  the  laying  of  corner-stuns 
great  results  follow.  President  Johnson  laid  a  cor 
ner-stun  at  Chicago,  and  your  release  followed.  He 
didn't  get  very  far  into  the  affeckshuns  uv  the  peo 
ple  North,  but  he  got  yoo  out  uv  Fortress  Monroe. 
Jist  le*t  us  fling  our  banner  to  the  breeze  with  the 
name  of  "J.  Davis"  onto  it,  and  how  quickly  wood 
the  means  to  finish  the  Institoot  be  forthcomin ! 
Ah,  indeed  !  Ther  wood  be  tournaments  held  all 
over  the  South  in  its  behalf.  The  Knite  uv  the 


JEFF  DAVIS  AND  THE  "  INSTITOOT."        169 

Sore  Eyes  would  tilt  agin  the  Knite  of  the  Cropped 
Ears ;  the  Knite  uv  the  Bandy  Legs  would  run  a 
course  and  be  glorified  agin  the  Knite  uv  the  Re 
leased  Cheef,  for  its  benefit,  and  the  Queens  uv 
Love  and  Beauty  wood  bid  em,  more  fervently  than 
ever  before,  to  lay  their  fish-poles  in  rest  and  run 
their  course  at  the  Injy  Rubber  Teething  Rings,  and 
do  their  devours  manfully,  in  sich  a  cause.  Ther 
wood  be  fairs  held  in  Noo  York  for  this  fund,  and 
C.  Chancey  Burr  and  Henry  Clay  Dean  wood  de 
liver  lekters  all  over  the  North  in  its  behalf,  workin 
a  double  benefit,  viz.,  affordin  us  a  little  money, 
Burr,  clean  paper-collars,  and  Dean,  clean  socks. 
In  fact,  the  coz  uv  the  ill  success  the  Institoot  hez 
met  with  thus  far,  may  be  found  in  the  fact  that  ther 
hain't  bin  nobody  connected  with  it  but  me.  The 
Southern  Democrisy  don't  take  to  me  kindly  coz 
they  see  me  every  day ;  the  Northern  Democrisy 
hev  no  confidence  in  me  becoz  they  know  I  wuz 
originelly  one  uv  em. 

2.  Its  name,  indicatin  ez  it  does,  that  the  insti- 
tooshen  admits  the  ijee  of  Nigger  Ekality.  This 
objeckshen  kin  be  easily  ansered.  The  name  wuz, 
originelly,  the  "  Southern  Military  and  Classikle 
Institoot,"  and  the  title  expressed  fairly  its  objects. 
That's  it  yet,  and  nothin  shorter.  The  change  of 


170  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

title  was  strategy.  That  change  wuz  Pickwickian, 
in  the  most  comprehensive  meanin  of  the  word. 
It  wuz  done  for  effeck  upon  the  Ethiopian.  They 
hev  votes  in  the  States  which  supported  yoo  in  your 
effort  to  perpetuate  em  reliably  in  their  normal 
condition,  and  it  wuz  deemed  necessary  to  concili 
ate  em.  I  need  not  say  wat  a  trial  it  wuz  for  our 
people  to  forego  the  ecstatic  delite  uv  wallopin  uv 
em,  and  wat  agony  it  wuz  to  be  forced,  by  circum 
stances  over  wich  we  hed  litrally  no  controle,  to 
recognize  em,  even  in  fun,  ez  ekals,  but  we  hed  to 
do  it.  After  they  hev  voted  wunst,  and  boostid  us 
into  Congress,  it  is  eggstremely  probable  that  a 
change  will  come  over  the  sperit  uv  their  dreems. 
After  that  happy  day  —  Well,  State  Legislachers 
hev  yit  powers,  and  States  hev  yit  rites.  In  breef, 
this  nigger  biznis  is  an  effort  to  flank  John  Brown's 
sole,  which  hez  bin  marchin  on  for  sevral  years. 
You  hev  witnist,  no  doubt,  in  your  gayer  moments, 
the  -sole-inspirin  and  elevatin  performances  of 
nigger  minstrels.  Certainly.  On  the  stage  they 
resembled  niggers ;  after  the  play  wuz  over,  the 
curtain  dropped,  they  washed  off  the  cork,  and 
went  and  took  their  well-earned  nips  ez  white  men. 
Precisely  so.  When  this  little  play  is  over,  proba 
bly  we  may  wash  off  the  cork,  and  ez  Cauca- 


JEFF  £>AVIS  AND  THE  "!NSTITOOT."       171 

shens  assert  our  rite  to  be,  as  uv  old,  the  governiu 
class. 

3.  Pay.  On  this  lied  nothin  definit  kin  be  static!. 
Yoo  must  doo  ez  I  hev  done  —  hev  faith,  and  take 
wat  comes.  I  hev  hed  contribooshens  ez  low  ez 
ten  cents,  and  that  even  in  counterfeit  postal  cur 
rency,  wich  wuz  no  objeckshen  to  it  down  here, 
ez  among  our  people  it  passes  just  ez  well  ez  any. 
I  hev  lived  on  it  for  some  time  ;  the  Institoot  hez 
eked  out  the  livin  afforded  me  by  the  offis  I  hold 
from  the  Guvernment.  Ef  contribooshens  should 
be  insufficient  for  yoor  support,  after  my  livin  is 
taken  out,  wat  uv  it?  Is  Johnson  dead,  and  does 
Wade  reign  in  his  stead?  Do  yoo  hev  any  idee 
that  he  wood  let  yoo  suffer?  Is  ther  not  a  sine- 
coor  for  yoo  ez  well  ez  for  me?  Is  ther  a  Confedrit 
officer,  who  wood  accept  it,  who  is  not  pervided 
with  a  posishen  uv  some  kind?  Hevin  pervided 
generously  for  every  one  uv  the  principal  sufferers 
in  the  late  fratrisidal  struggle  on  the  Confedrit  side, 
is  it  probable  that  he  wood  make  yoo  an  excep- 
shen  ? 

I  hev  ansered  all  the  objections  to  the  place  wich 
yoo  kin  urge,  and  I  beg  leave  to  state  some  uv  the 
reasons  why  you  shood  accept. 

A  full  year  intervenes  before  the  meetin  uv  the 


172  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

Democratic  Nashnel  Convenshen,  and  two  before 
you  kin  be  finally  inoggerated.  Pendin  that  event 
yoo  must  go  into  dignified  retirement.  It's  the  reg- 
ler  thing.  Forrest  did  it,  and  he  succeeded  so  well  in 
masterin  his  nateral  proclivities  that,  ef  I  remember 
ritely,  he  hez  killed  but  two  niggers  sence  he  rev 
erently  folded  up  the  stars  and  bars.  Longstreet 
hez  did  it,  Price  hez  did  it,  and  so  hez  all  uv  em. 
Lee  hez  done  it  better  than  any  uv  em.  There's 
suthin  pecoolyerly  fittin  in  the  cheeftain  uv  an 
unsuccessful  "  rebellion,"  ez  the  Northerners  call 
our  struggle  for  our  rites,  takin  the  Presidency  uv 
a  college,  in  seekin  shelter  in  academic  groves,  in 
trainin  the  noble  young  men  uv  his  seckshen,  and 
instillin  into  em  a  more  perfeck  knowledge  uv  the 
doctrin  uv  State  rites  and  a  higher  revrens  for  Vir- 
ginny,  a  deeper  hatrid  of  ablishnism  (wich  is  all 
that  a  Southern  yooth  hez  a  call  to  know),  and  a 
gittin  rifled  cannon  from  a  tyranikle  government  to 
teech  em  artillery  practis.  That's  the  dodge  for 
yoo.  We  hain't  got  the  academic  grove  for  yoo  to 
walk  pensively  in  at  the  twilite  hour,  a  musin 
onto  the  eventful  past,  but  we  kin  easily  move  that 
corner-stun  into  one.  That  corner-stun  is  ez  easily 
shifted  ez  Democracy. 

There's   another   reason   why  yoo   shood   do   it. 


JEFF  DAVIS  AND  THE  "IXSTITOOT."       173 

The  edjucashnel  interests  uv  the  South  shood  be 
entrusted  to  them  ez  knows  how  to  manage  em, 
and  who  to  edjucate.  We  don't  want  it  too  com 
mon.  It's  too  much  power.  I  know  the  power 
ther  is  in  it.  I'm  about  the  only  one  here  who  kin 
rite  —  were  ther  more,  it  wood  hurt  my  standin. 

Look  at  wat  miscellaneous  education  hez  done 
for  the  North  !  Noo  England  is  a  cloud  bustin  with 
educashen.  That  black  cloud  hez  swept  over  the 
North,  and  all  over  that  country  its  drops  hev  fell 
in  the  shape  uv  schools,  academies,  and  colleges, 
and  sich.  Consekently,  there's  no  Democracy  ther  ; 
and  the  heavier  the  shower  a  locality  received  the 
less  Democracy  there  is.  In  yoor  hands  it  wood  be 
safe.  Niggers  woodent  git  it,  nor  poor  whites  ;  but 
the  sons  uv  the  chivalry,  uv  the  dominant  race,  they 
alone  wood  tread  the  flowery  path  with  yoo. 

We  heven't  the  society  at  the  Cross  Roads  in 
wich  yoo  hev  bin  accustomed  to  move,  but  wat  uv 
that?  Let  it  be  known  what  yoo  are,  and  the  De- 
mocrisy  uv  the  North  will  make  this  a  place  uv 
summer  resort,  and  of  winter  recreashen.  This  will 
be  their  Mecca  —  yours  will  be  the  shrine  at  which 
they  will  come  and  worship. 

Then  come.  To  yoo  the  Cross  Roads  opens  her 
arms,  and  offers  her  bosom  for  yoo  to  repose  onto. 


174  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

Come  !  Erect  here  yoor  alters  and  yoor  fires,  ontil 
an  ashamed  nashen  bids  yoo  take  the  highest  place 
in  its  gifts,  in  reparashen  uv  the  wrong  they  did  to 
you  two  veers  ago. 

On  behalf  uv  the  Trustees, 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor  in  the  Ham 
and  Japheth  Free  Academy  for  the  Develop 
ment  uv  the  Intelleck  uv  all  Races  irrespective 
of  Color. 

his 

GABREL  X  POGRAM, 
mark 
his 

G.  W.  X  BASCOM, 
mark 

HUGH    McPELTER, 

his 
ISSAKER  X  GAVITT, 

mark 

Administrator  uv  the  Estate  uv  Abimilck  Gavitt, 
late  deceased. 


A  VISION  OF  THE  NEXT  WORLD.          175 


XXI. 


A  Vision  of  the  Next  World.  —  Mr.  Nasby  (in  a 
Dream)  is  present  in  the  Lower  Regions  dur 
ing  the  Consideration  of  Mr.  Greeley 's  Case. 


is  ^| 
<J),  > 
7-  J 


POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
June  i,  1867. 

THE  Corners  wuz  in  a  most  pleasant  frame  uv 
mind  last  Friday  nite.  So  important  a  event 
ez  the  release  uv  our  saintid  Davis  cood  not  be 
allowed  to  go  by  without  commemoratin,  and  we 
accordingly  commemoratid.  The  rejoicins  wuz  held 
at  the  Church,  tho  they  commenst  at  Bascom's. 
Ez  the  heftiest  part  uv  the  rejoicin  hed  bin  done  at 
Bascom's,  taperin  off,  ez  I  may  say,  at  the  Church, 
the  speeches  were  very  short,  ef  not  to  the  pint. 
When,  how,  or  wher  it  adjourned,  I  know  not.  I 
wandered  orf  into  the  realms  uv  Morphus  in  the 
middle  uv  Deekin  Pogram's  sekondly,  and  afore  I 
got  back  I  hcd  taken  a  rather  long  journey. 


176  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

I  dreamed  a  very  curis  dream.  Methawt  I  wuz 
in  the  regions  that  are  populerly  supposed  to  lay 
below  us.  Onto  his  burnin  throne  sot  Lucifer  a 
reading  the  Noo  York  Triboon,  with  the  most 
puzzled  expression  onto  his  face  I  ever  wittiest. 
Laying  it  down  with  a  sigh,  ez  tho  he  hed  gone 
bumpin  onto  a  stunner  wich  he  cood  not  co.npre- 
hend,  he  remarkt,  sadly,  "To  biznis ! "  and  de- 
mandid  uv  his  book-keeper  the  sitooashen  of  things. 
Reports  were  read  to  him,  wich,  in  the  main, 
pleased  him.  A  shade  uv  sadniss  becloudid  his 
classikle  countenance  ez  the  statement  that  Napoleon 
and  Bizmark  hed  made  up,  but  his  face  illuminatid 
serenely  ez  it  was  statid  that  the  Christian  nashens 
hed  decidid  to  let  the  Turks  go  on  a  butcherin  the 
Cretans,  wich  wuz  replaced  with  a  frown  agin  when 
he  wuz  informed  that  there  wuz  a  prospeck  uv  the 
English  common  people  gettin  a  vote.  After  goin 
thro  the  rest  uv  the  world,  the  United  States 
come  in. 

"  Kentucky,"  sed  the  book-keeper,  lookin  over  a 
bundle  uv  fresh  reports,  "  is  all  rite.  Helm  is 
electicl  Governor  by  a  whackin  majority,  and 
McKee  and  Rice  is  defeetid." 

"  Good ! "  sed  he,  fetching  his  tail  down  in  a 
ecstasy  uv  joy.  "  The  next  time  I  swing  around 


A  VISION  OF  THE  NEXT  WORLD.          177 

the  cirkle  I  must  visit  Kentucky.  No  State  does  so 
well  for  me  with  so  little  uv  my  assistance.  I  alluz 
like  to  visit  Kentucky.  Noo  York  city  is  ruther 
pleasant,  tho  it's  so  near  like  my  own  place  that  I 
don't  enjoy  it  much  when  I'm  there.  I  don't  feel 
ez  tho  I'm  away  from  home  a  visitin.  But  Ken 
tucky  I  love  —  the  people  reely  charm  me.  But 
go  on,  wat  next?" 

"  Jeff'son  Davis  hez  bin  liberatid  by  Horris  Gree- 
ley  becomin  his  bale.  This  balein  by  Greeley,  the 
reporter  stashened  at  Washington  considers  a  most 
momenchus  event,  and  a  most  happy  okkurrence 
for  yoor  majesty." 

"  That  reporter  's  a  ass,  and  don't  know  the 
secret  springs  wich  actooate  men.  Recall  him  to- 
wunst  for  making  sich  a  foolish  remark." 

"  But,"  sed  the  Sekretary,  who  seemed  to  me  to 
be  a  imp  uv  some  consekence,  to  be  permitted  to 
argoo  with  Lucifer  hisself,  "  I  consider  it  uv  impor 
tance.  Did  yoo  wish  Jeff'son  Davis  to  die  in 
prizen?" 

"  Ef  yoo  wuzn't  uv  desided  yoose  to  me,  hevin 
bin  a  Noo  York  Alderman,  I'd  redoose  yoo.  Want 
Jeff'son  Davis  to  die?  Not  I.  I'm  not  the  yooth 
wot  killed  the  goose  wot  laid  the  golden  egg. 
He's  bin  the  best  recrootin  lootenant  I  ever  hed. 
12 


178  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

He  hez  the  happy  knack  uv  controllin  everybody 
he  hez  anythin  to  do  with,  and  he  turns  em  all 
to'ard  me.  He  rooined  Polk,  he  swampt  Pierce, 
he  sedoost  Bookannon,  he  dazzled  Johnson,  and  he 
hez  now  caught  Horris  Greeley.  But  ther  wuzn't 
any  danger  uv  his  dyin  in  prizen.  Men  ain't  in  the 
habit  uv  dyin  oji  panned  oysters,  briled  beefsteak, 
and  milk  toast  ;  they  hev  a  trick  uv  peggin  out 
faster  on  diet  suthin  the  opposite  uv  that;  for  in 
stance,  the  variety  that  Jeff'son  furnished  em  at 
Andersonville.  He  wood  hev  got  out  any  how. 
Johnson  is,  after  all,  a  poor  white  man,  and  he 
cood  bully  them  uv  that  class  well  enuff;  but  he 
felt  ashamed  uv  keeping  a  real  gentleman  like  Davis 
in  prizen,  and  he  wood  hev  releast  him." 

"  Shel  I  put  Horris  down  on  our  books?"  askt 
the  Sekretary,  eagerly,  dipping  his  pen  into  bloo 
flame  ez  Hertzog  does  in  the  Black  Crook. 

"  Let  us  consider  !  "  sed  Lucifer,  musinly.  "  Wat 
hez  he  did  ?  " 

"  Bailed  Jeff'son  Davis  !  "  returned  the  Sekretary, 
confidently,  givin  his  pen  a  fresh  dip. 

"  Very  good.  Horris  hez  made  uv  hisself,  to 
speak  figgeratively,  a  post  for  a  drove  uv  hogs  to 
scratch  themselves  agin.  They  are  scramblin  out 
uv  the  slough  uv  secession  in  wich  they  wallered 


A  VISION  OF  THE  NEXT  WORLD.          179 

till  the  droppin  out  uv  the  bottom  made  it  danger 
ous  ;  they  find  Horris  a  standin  on  the  bank,  and 
agin  him  they  rub  their  sides  to  clean  oft'  the  mud 
wich  adheres.  I  speak  figgeratively  in  likenin 
Horris  to  a  post ;  literally  in  likenin  the  secesh  to 
swine.  They  wuz  jest  ez  senseless  and  jest  ez 
crooel.  They  wuz  the  wuns  afore  wich  pearls  wuz 
cast. 

"  I  hev  jest  finisht  his  defence  of  hisself.  It's  a 
curious  dokeyment,  and  puzzles  me.  I'm  disposed 
to  consider  him  honest,  —  but  wat  a  week  showin 
he  makes !  First,  he  sez  he's  honest,  wich  is  alluz 
agin  a  man,  for  a  trooly  honest  man  kin  alluz  find 
enuff  others  to  say  it  for  him.  2d.  He  tries  to  prove 
it,  wich  is  very  bad,  for  the  honesty  wich  needs 
provin  is  uv  a  rather  scaly  order.  He  instances  his 
spilin  his  chances  for  the  Senit  last  fall  by  writin 
that  universal  amnesty  letter.  Horris,  in  this  mat 
ter,  is,  I  fear,  playin  ostrich.  He  hez  his  hed  in  the 
sand,  and,  bein  blind  hisself,  fancies  the  balance  uv 
his  anatomikle  strukter,  wich  ought  to  be  in  the 
background,  ain't  visible  to  the  rest  uv  mankind. 
Or,  he  is  reely  a  loonatic ! 

"  I  never  hed  any  idea  that  he  wantid  the  seat  in 
the  Senit.  He  wuz  in  Congress  wunst,  and  the 
terrible  failure  he  made  ther  wood,  ef  he  wuz  con- 


i  So  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

scious  uv  it,  hev  deterred  him  from  seekin  that  per- 
tikeler  place  agin.  Then,  ef  he  wuz  reely  compus 
mentus,  he  wood  hev  knowd,  or  ought  to  hev 
knowd,  that  he  hedn't  the  ghost  uv  a  chance  for 
the  place,  and  coodn't  hev  got  it  ef  he  heel  written 
a  letter  urgin  the  hangin  of  every  rebel,  from  JefF- 
son  Davis  down  to  Commodore  Hollins.  It  looks 
to  me  very  much  like  ez  ef  Horris  wuz  playin  the 
old  game  uv  declinin  wat  hed  never  bin  offered 
him.  His  letter  wuz  soundin  brass  and  tinklin 
cymbals." 

"  Shel  I  enter  him  or  not?"  askt  the  Sekretary. 

"  It's  a  curis  case,"  said  Lucifer,  not  mindin  hirr 
"  He  hez  bin  agin  me,  by  spasms,  and  when  he  ht 
done  things  wich  I  could  approve,  I  hev  alluz,  st 
far,  entered  it  up  to  the  account  uv  loonacy ;  for  I 
am  pertikler  about  puttin  my  claw  onto  any  man 
who  don't  belong  to  me.  I  hev  a  clear  rite  to  every 
one  I  git.  This  last  trick  uv  his  staggers  me  !  Kin 
it  be  that  the  old  man  wuz,  all  along,  opposin  wrong 
and  sich,  not  from  any  deep-seated  dislike  to  the 
artikle,  but  becoz  opposin  things  wuz  his  best  holt? 
Kin  it  be  —  hevin  bin  in  the  minority  all  his  life, 
and  found  therein  profit  because  it  so  happened  that 
the  minority  wuz  rite  —  that  he  is  now  anxious  to 
git  into  that  fix  agin?  Does  Horris  spose,  that 


A  VISION  OF  THE  NEXT  WORLD.         181 

hevin  the  strength  uv  a  successful  career  to  back 
him,  and  hevin  a  hundred  thousand  more  or  less, 
who  are  in  the  habit  uv  readin  him  —  the  people 
will  follow  him  through  the  stinkin  slums  uv  error 
jest  ez  lively  ez  they  did  over  the  breezy  hills  uv 
trooth?  Hez  his  vanity  got  the  better  uv  his  dis 
cretion  at  last?  Hev  the  hangers-on,  wich  alluz  puff 
incense  into  the  face  uv  success,  been  burnin  hash 
eesh  afore  him,  and  hez  it  intossicatid  him?  Is  he, 
at  his  advanced  age,  in  imitashen  uv  Sut  Lovin- 
good's  daddy,  goin  to  play  hoss,  forgittin  the  hornet's 
nest  into  wich  his  great  exemplar  plunged?  " 

"  Shel  I  put  him  down  or  not?"  askt  the  Sekre- 
tary  agin,  rather  impatiently. 

"  No ! "  replied  Lucifer,  drawin  hisself  up  deci 
sively.  "  Ef  he  splits  up  the  Ablishnists,  we  shel 
be  so  deep  in  his  debt  that  he  will  deserve  to  git 
clear  uv  us.  Ez  it  is,  he  hez  done  enuff  to  entitle 
him  to  our  gratitood.  He  hez  restored  JefFson 
Davis  to  me  ;  he  hez  even  enlarged  his  field  uv  use- 
fulnis.  He  is  a  demonstratin  the  theory  that  there 
ain't  no  sich  thing  ez  treason,  and  ez  a  matter  uv 
course,  that  there  ain't  bin  no  crime  committed  by 
my  friend  Davis's  friends.  Ez  Horris  is  establishin 
the  fact  that  the  war  agin  my  friends  in  the  South 
wuz  unjustifiable,  I  shoodent  be  surprised  ef  the 


1 82  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

next  thing  he  does,  in  order  that  justis  may  be  done, 
will  be  to  insist  that  their  niggers  be  returned  to 
em.  After  all,  I  speckt  that's  wat  he's  drivin  at. 
Now  that  slavery's  abolisht,  I  bleeve  he'd  like  to 
hev  it  restored,  that  he  may  hev  suthin  to  do.  His 
okkepashen's  gone.  He's  short  uv  a  subjict  now. 
His  pen  hez  bin  so  used  to  writin  slavery  !  slavery  ! 
slavery !  —  that  he's  reely  at  sea  now  that  he  kin 
write  it  no  more.  He  wants  that  joocy  old  sin  set 
up  for  him  to  batter  at  agin.  He  wants  Lovejoy 
shot  over  agin,  and  bleedin  Kansas  to  be  repeetid. 
Wat's  a  perfessional  Reformer  ef  ther  ain't  nothin 
to  reform?  Wat's  a  corn  doctor  in  a  country  wher 
they  wear  big  boots?  No  !  let  him  go.  He's  shoor 
uv  punishment  enuff  any  how.  He's  a  Universlist, 
a  doctrine  the  mistake  of  wich  he'll  diskiver  some 
day ;  but  he's  very  likely  to  realize  his  ijee  uv  pun 
ishment  on  earth,  for  Wendell  Phillips  is  after  him, 
and  wat  wuss  can  he  suffer?  Set  this  last  act  uv 
his'n  down  ez  honesty  streakt  with  loonacy ;  or 
ruther,  the  loonacy  bein  the  biggest,  ez  loonacy 
streakt  with  honesty,  and  leave  him  out  —  Go  on 
with  the  reports.  Where's  Davis  now?  andparticu- 
lerly,  where's  Johnson?  Ef  he  does  anythin  agin 
me,  he  does  it  thro  mistake.  Keep  track  uv  John 
son  ;  don't  let  —  " 


A  VISION  OF  THE  NEXT  WORLD.          183 

At  this  pint  I  wuz  aroused  by  somebody  shakin 
me.  It  wuz  Bascom.  It  wuz  8  o'clock,  and  ez  I 
had  not  bin  over  for  my  mornin  bitters,  in  wich 
dooty  I'm  very  regler,  the  good  man  hed  gone  out 
in  search  uv  me.  How  pleasant  'tiz  to  have  some 
body  to  care  for  yoo,  even  ef  ther  solisitood  springs 
from  a  ten-cent  motive. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor  in  the  Ham 
and  Japheth   Free  Academy  for  the  Develop 
ment  uv  the  Intellek  uv  all  Races  irrespectiv 
of  Color. 


184  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


XXII. 


A   Faithful  Account    of  the    Trip    to   Raleigh, 
including  the  Discussion  before  the  Start. 


ROADS  1 
;ntucky),  > 
),  1867.  3 


POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky). 
June  10, 

I    ACCOMPANIED    the    President    to    Rawly. 
The   President   doesn't   feel   safe   at  goin   any 
where  without  me  to  arrange  the   details,  and  do 
the  nice  financeerin  wich  is  necessary. 

The  Rawly  trip  wuz  the  occasion  of  a  serious 
truble  in  the  Kabinet.  The  President  wuz  in  favor 
uv  it.  Ez  he  sed,  he  wuz  essenshelly  uv  a  filial 
persuasion.  He  hed  alluz  experienced  a  most  con- 
soomin  love  for  his  parents,  pertickelerly  for  them 
on  his  father's  side.  He  hed  swung  around  the 
entire  cirkle  uv  offishel  honor,  and  hed  found  trait 
ors  on  all  sides ;  but  he  could  lay  his  hand  on  his 
heart  and  say  that  he  hed  never  knowd  a  troo  man 
but  who,  at  some  period  of  his  life,  hed  a  father. 


TRIP  TO  RALEIGH.  185 

Why,  then,  should  we  not  honor  our  fathers  ?  How 
could  it  be  better  dun  than  by  layin  corner-stuns  ? 
His  father  deceest  in  1812,  and  it  wuz  time  that 
this  dooty  was  attended  to.  Besides,  at  this  crysis 
in  the  affairs  of  the  country,  with  Wilson  and  Kelly 
a  snortin  through  the  South,  he  felt  it  wood  be  a 
good  thing  to  show  ourselves. 

Seward  felt  that  it  wuz  well  to  go.  Filial  love 
wuz  charmin.  Shakspeer,  who  wuz  ez  justly  cele 
brated  ez  a  dramatist  ez  one  he  cood  menshun  wuz 
for  diplomatic  telegraffin,  remarkt,  "  How  sharper 
nor  a  serpent's  tooth  it  is  to  hev  a  thankless  child," 
—  the  truth  of  which  he  lied  experienced,  ez  he  hed 
been  styled  the  father  uv  the  Republican  party :  but 
that  wuz  not  to  the  pint.  It  is  the  dooty  uv  every 
son  to  lay  corner-stuns.  In  this  case  it  wood,  per 
haps,  hev  been  more  creditable  hed  it  been  dun 
fifty  years  ago  ;  but  wat  difference  is  it?  It  is  natral 
ez  we  are  about  being  gathered  to  our  fathers,  that 
we  shood  remember  em.  Besides,  he  hed  a  little 
speech  wich  he  felt  he'd  like  to  deliver.  He  wanted 
to  bear  testimony  to  the  patriotism  uv  the  son  uv 
Jacob  Johnson  —  particularly  to  our  colored  breth 
ren  in  North  Carliny,  who  hev  bin  listenin  to  Kelly 
and  W'ilson. 

Randall  didn't  bleeve  in  it  at  all.     He  made  bold 


1 86  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

to  say  that  ez  the  deceast  Johnson  hed  slept  without 
a  corner-stun  for  fifty-five  years,  he'd  manage  to  git 
along  a  while  longer.  It  wuz  rather  late  in  the  day. 
He  bleeved  in  feelin  sorrowful  over  the  decease  uv 
our  relatives,  but  he  didn't  go  much  on  doin  it  fifty- 
five  years  after  date.  It  wuz  too  much  like  bustin 
into  tears  over  the  suffrins  uv  the  last  illness  uv  yer 
wife's  great  grandmother.  The  speeches  he  didn't 
bleeve  in  at  all.  He  hed  seen  some  uv  it  —  he  hed 
accompanied  one  toor  uv  the  kind.  He  hed  bin  on 
it.  He  wuz  at  Cleveland,  at  Indianapolis,  and 
Springfield,  Illinoy.  He  begged  to  be  excoosed. 
He  didn't  keer  about  tailin  sich  a  kite  agin.  Ef 
the  people  uv  the  South  shood  receive  us  ez  corjclly 
ez  the  people  uv  the  North  did,  he  preferred  to  con 
sult  his  feelins  and  be  absent.  He  wuz  a  sensitive 
plant,  and  disliked  sum  things.  Ef  his  memory 
served  him  rite,  the  demonstrashens  coodent  be  con 
sidered  flatterin.  The  people  didn't  fling  dead  cats 
at  us,  but  they  did  wuss.  Ef  they  wuz  cold,  they 
wuz  rather  too  cold.  Ef  they  wuz  in  a  volatile 
burner,  they  wuz  rather  too  lively.  He  hed  about 
made  up  his  mind  that  it  wuzn't  uv  any  yoose  to 
fite  it  out  on  that  line  ef  it  took  all  summer.  Suc 
cess  is  a  dooty ;  but  when  success  is  ez  impossible 
ez  water  in  the  great  Sahara,  wat's  the  yoose? 


TRIP  TO  RALEIGH.  187 

Wherefore  struggle?  Let  us  go  slow,  draw  our  sal 
aries  to  the  end  uv  our  'spective  terms,  and  so  live 
that  wen  the  summons  comes  to  jine  the  innoomera- 
ble  caravan  that  moves  out  uv  Washington  to'ards 
their  'spective  homes,  we  go  not  like  the  dusty  slave 
at  nite,  wat's  bet  his  all  on  two  pair,  but  soothed 
and  sustained  by  wat  we  saved,  — go  like  one  who's 
got  the  wherewithal  to  live.  It  wuz  a  source  uv 
comfort  to  him  to  know  that  the  worst  uv  men  wuz 
soon  forgotten.  Who  ever  speeks  uv  Tyler,  or  Peerce, 
or  Bukanon,  now?  Benedict  Arnold  is  only  spoken 
uv  on  Fourth  uv  Julys,  and  Judis  Iskariot  on  Sun 
days.  It  will  be  so  with  us  in  time,  for  wich  thank 
the  Lord. 

But  it  was  determined  to  go,  and  I  was  sent  to 
Rawly  to  find  where  the  grave  uv  the  honored 
father  of  our  honored  President  was  reely  locatid, 
and  to  make  sich  other  arrangements  ez  the  cggs- 
igencies  uv  the  case  demanded,  wich  I  did.  I  hed 
difficulty  in  locatin  the  grave,  and  ain't  jest  shoor 
that  I  found  the  right  one.  The  people  uv  Rawly 
wuz  anxshus  to  hev  it  come  off,  ez  trade  was  dull 
in  the  retail  line  ;  and  for  fear  that  I  wood  report 
that  the  grave  coodent  be  found,  and  thus  nip  their 
budding  hopes,  they  giv  me  the  choice  uv  sum  twelve 


1 88  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

or  fifteen.  Selectin  the  most  eligible,  I  made  the 
uther  arrangements  and  returned. 

The  eggscurzion  contrasted  very  favorbly  with  the 
one  we  took  last  fall.  The  people  receeved  uz  at 
every  stashen  with  the  most  affcctin  demonstrashuns 
uv  luv.  "Johnson  !  Johnson  !  Johnson  ! "  they  yelled 
at  each  stopping-place,  wich  sounded  sweeter  in 
his  ears  and  mine  than  the  damnable  iterashun  of 
"  Grant !  Grant !  Grant !  "  wich  greetid  us  at  every 
pint  North.  The  President  wuz  sorry  he  hedn't 
takin  Grant  with  him,  to  show  him  that  ef  he  wuz 
the  most  popular  in  sum  localities,  we  lied  the 
hearts  uv  the  people  in  uthers.  But  ther  wuz  draw- 
bax  to  our  enjoyment.  No  sooner  wood  the  Presi 
dent  commence,  "  Fellow-citizens  !  "  than  Randall 
wood  pull  the  bell-rope,  and  off  the  trane  wood 
start.  He  wuz  determined  that  the  President 
shouldent  speek,  wich  put  me  to  a  grate  deal  uv 
trouble,  ez  after  we  arrived  I  hed  to  write  out  and 
telegraph  to  the  papers  the  speeches  the  President 
wood  hev  made. 

At  Rawley,  General  Battles  welcomed  the  Presi 
dential  party,  and  the  President  responded.  He 
remarked  that  in  Rawley  he  first  opened  his  tender 
eyes,  a  penniless  boy.  Here  is  the  scenes  uv  his 
childhood ;  here  is  everything  to  bind  man  to  his 


TRIP  TO  RALEIGH.  189 

fellow,  and  to  associate  him  with  that  with  wich  he 
is  associated  ;  here  is  where  the  tenderness  uv  heart 
hev  taken  holt  upon  everything  to  wich  it  hez  at 
tached  itself.  But  he  was  wandrin  from  his  sub- 
jick.  His  mind  went  back  to  the  day  he  left  this 
city  a  penniless  boy.  Where  is  them  wich  he  left 
behind  him?  He  begged  to  inquire  where  is  the 
scenes  uv  his  childhood?  Where's  the  Haywoods? 

"  Killed  at  Antietam  !  "  shouted  a  returned  Con- 
fedrit.  "  I  wuz  by  William's  side  when  he  wuz 
shot." 

"  Where  is  the  Hunters?  " 

"  Running  a  distillery  at  Waxhall  Court  'ouse," 
sed  this  same  fellow,  who  thot  the  President  really 
wantid  to  know.  He  wuz  choked  down,  and  the 
President  proceeded  :  — 

"  Wher  is  the  Roysters  and  the  Smithses,  the 
Brownses  and  the  Joneses?  Wher  is  the  long  list 
of  men  that  lived  at  that  day,  and  who,  like  me, 
command  respeck  for  constancy  of  devoshen  ?  I 
feel  proud  of  this  demonstrashen  —  I  feel  proud  of 
any  demonstrashen.  Ez  alloosion  hez  bin  made  to 
my  boyhood  days,  when  I  wuz  a  penniless  boy,  I 
may  say  here,  ez  pertinent  to  that  subjeck,  that  I 
hev  adhered  to  the  fundamental  principles  uv  the 
gov'ment,  and  to  the  flag  and  Constooshen.  But 


190  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

to  return  to  my  subjeck.  When  I  went  out  from 
among  yoo  a  penniless  boy,  I  adoptid  the  Constoo- 
shen  ez  my  guide,  and  by  them  I  have  allus  bin 
guided.  To  the  young  I  would  say  that  they  will 
be  safe  in  takin  me  ez  a  model.  Leavin  here  a  pen 
niless  boy,  it  is  not  for  me  to  say  whether  or  not  I 
hev  succeeded.  I  am  no  longer  a  penniless  boy, 
nor  is  them  wich  are  round  me.  Mrs.  Cobb  ain't 
a  penniless  boy ;  nor  is  —  But  this  is  a  wanderin 
from  the  subjeck.  For  the  encouragement  uv  the 
young  men  afore  me,  I  wood  say,  that  I  hev  enjoyed 
all  I  care  about.  I  am  no  aspirant  for  nothing,  and 
therefore  the  way  I  now  open  for  em.  All  places 
uv  honor  is  now  before  em.  I  thank  you  for  this 
corjel  welcom.  North  Caroliny  sent  me  out  a  pen 
niless  boy,  and  did  not  afford  me  sich  advantages  ez, 
considerin  my  merits,  I  ought  to  hev  hed  ;  yet  I  luv 
her.  It's  better  ez  it  wuz.  Goin  out  a  penniless  boy, 
and  returnin  after  holdin  every  offis,  from  Alderman 
uv  my  adoptid  village  up  to  President,  shows  my 
qualities  to  much  better  advantage  than  ef  I  hedn't 
gone  out  a  penniless  boy.  I  thank  you  for  this 
tribute  to  my  many  good  qualities." 

And  he  startid  to  go  down,  when  Randall  whis 
pered  suthin  in  his  left  ear. 

Risin  promptly,  and  drawin  out  his  hankerchief, 


TRIP  TO  RALEIGH.  191 

the  President  assoomed  a  look  uv  subdood  greef, 
and  resoomed. 

"  I  hev  come  among  yoo  to  participate  in  the 
dedicashen  uv  a  monument  to  a  man  which  yoo 
all  loved,  tho  it  hez  taken  suthin  like  fifty  yeers  for 
yoo  to  diskiver  it.  He  wuz  poor  and  humble,  wich 
akkounts  for  my  goin  from  among  yoo  a  penniless 
boy  ;  but  uv  him  I  am  proud,  —  for  bed  it  not  been 
for  him,  I  woodent  hev  returned  the  shinin  example 
to  yoor  young  men  wich  I  am." 

The  corner-stun  wuz  laid,  and  the  monument  set 
on  it.  It  is  uv  red  limestone,  ten  foot  high.  It's 
ez  good  a  ten  foot  uv  stun  respeck  ez  there  is  in 
North  Carliny.  Ez  the  monument  was  elevatid, 
there  wuz  the  appropriate  speeches,  and  then  my 
little  arrangements  cum  in.  A  nigger  woman  I  hed 
took  with  us  from  Washington  rushed  for'ard,  and 
sed,  u  Bress  de  Lord,  I'ze  bin  a  waitin  for  dis  day 
to  see  de  President,  —  OUR  President !  "  at  which  a 
squad  of  niggers  I'd  picked  up  and  drilled,  hollered 
"  'Ror !  " 

This  little  affectin  sceen  over,  two  quadroons, 
wich  I'd  also  bro't  with  us  in  a  privit  car,  cum 
for'ard  with  a  expression  of  profound  greef,  at  wich 
the  President  wept,  and  tenderly  slung  bokays  uv 


192  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

the  choicest  flowers  we  cood  buy  in  Washington, 
upon  the  tomb. 

It  wuz  reely  a  techin  fabloo.  The  ancient  nigger 
woman  a  holdin  the  President's  hand ;  the  young 
quadroons  a  slingin  the  bokays  ;  the  President  with 
his  head  bowed,  apparently  a  dreamin  uv  the  days 
uv  his  boyhood ;  me  with  an  expression  uv  thank 
fulness  that  the  niggers  hed  at  last  recognized  their 
Moses  ;  Seward  with  a  saintly  smile  on  his  face  ; 
Welles  tryin  to  look  ez  near  like  Seward  as  possi 
ble,  but  failin  miserably  to  look  like  anything  but 
the  eggrejis  old  ass  he  is,  and  Randall  with  his 
handkercher  to  his  eyes  ez  ef  onmanned  by  the 
movin  sceen,  but  keepin  one  eye  cocked  over  the 
handkercher  to  see  how  it  took  among  the  niggers. 
It  wuz  a  sceen  easier  to  be  imagined  than  described. 

Ther  wuz  several  incidents  which  occurred  wich 
did  not  appear  in  the  telegraph.  When  his  Excel 
lency  wuz  speekin  uv  himself,  and  remarkt  that  his 
race  wuz  nearly  run,  a  unregenerated  nigger  yelled 
out  "  Tank  de  Lord  !  "  And  when  the  quadroons 
wuz  a  strewin  flowers  on  the  grave  uv  His  Excel 
lency's  father,  I  observed  rather  more  titterin  among 
the  niggers  than  I  approved  uv  on  so  sollum  an 
occasion.  I  askt  Randall  what  he  thought  of  the 


NIGGERS    RECOGNIZING    THEIR    MOSES.      Pa-e  102. 


TRIP  TO  RALEIGH.  193 

spekelashen,  and  his  answer,  "  It  don't  pay  !  "  struck 
me  ez  havin  a  vane  uv  trooth  running  through  it. 

On  our  return,  the  President  wuz  allowed  to  speek 
more,  for  Randall  got  tired  of  watching  him.  We 
returned  in  good  health,  and  some  uv  us  in  good 
spirits.  Seward  feels  well,  for  he  hez  an  abidin 
faith  that  the  mere  showin  uv  hisself  alluz  hez  an 
effeck  for  good  upon  the  people,  and  ez  a  matter  uv 
course  Seckretary  Welles  thinks  so  to. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor  in  the  Ham 
and  Japheth  Free  Academy  for  the  Develop 
ment  uv  the  Intelleck  uv  all  Races  irrespective 
of  Color. 


194  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


XXIII. 

The  Boston  Excursion.  —  An  Account  of  the 
Preparatory  Discussion.  —  The  Start,  and  the 
Progress  up  to  the  beginning  of  the  Masonic 
Festivities. 

TREMONT  HOUSE,  BOSTON     ^ 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Massachoosets),  v 

June  25,  1867.      j 

THE  Raleigh  trip  scarcely  over,  His  Serene 
Highness  determined  upon  acceptin  the  Bos 
ton  invitashen.  His  corjel  recepshen  in  North  Kar- 
liny  give  him  a  sort  uv  appetite  for  popler  applause, 
and  he  determined  upon  tryin  it  in  the  North  agin. 
At  the  Cabinet  meetin  held  to  discuss  the  question, 
Seward  expressed  a  desire  to  go.  Welles  follered 
Seward ;  but  Randall,  who,  sence  the  decease  of 
Sir  Isik  Newton,  is  considered  the  strongest  man 
connected  with  the  Administrashen,  and  therefore 
assooms  diktatorial  airs,  opposed  it. 

"  But,"  sed  Johnson,  "  I  feel  ez  though  I  must 
make  one  more  effort  to  save  our  errin  Southren 
brethren." 


THE  BOSTON  EXCURSION.  195 

"Mr.  President,"  retortid  Randall,  "I  recently 
went  to  raise  a  corner-stun  to  the  memry  uv  yoor 
lamentid  father,  who  deceest  in  1812,  onto  wich 
wuz  engraved  these  words  :  — 

'  Jacob  Johnson;  died  from  the  Effex  uv  a  Dis 
ease  superindoost  by  a  over  Effort  to  save  his 
Friends  from  drownin* 

"  Now,  ef  yoo  persist,  in  yoor  loonacy,  I  shel  be 
compelled,  after  a  time,  in  my  quiet  Wisconsin 
home,  where  an  appreciative  constitooency  will 
permit  me  to  forever  stay,  to  indite  an  epitaff  for 
the  corner-stun  over  your  politikle  grave,  wich  I 
shel  do  thus  :  — 

*  Hie  jacet  ANDREW  JOHNSON, 
Who  died  from  the  Effex  uv  a  Disease  sooperin- 
doost  by  over  Effort  in  a  great  many  Attempts  to 
save  his  Politikle  Friends  from  bein  strangled. 
<  Poskript.  —  The    Friends    tvuzn't    -wuth    the 


savin. 


"  But  upon  sekond  thot  I've  no  objeckshun  to  this 
toor.  Yoo  kin  do  us  no  damage  ef  yoo  deliver  only 
sich  speeches  ez  we  determine  upon  before  hand. 


196  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

Yoo  go  thro  Delaware,  which  is  ourn  ;  Noo  Gersey 
yoo've  bin  thro  wunst,  and  they  know  wat  to  expect ; 
New  York  will  give  a  enthoosiastic  recepshun  ef 
Morrisy  and  Wood  will  take  holt  uv  it,  —  Seward, 
telegraff  em,  —  and  in  Connecticut  yoor  certain  uv  a 
corjel  resepshen.  That  State  is  full  uv  demoralized 
Yankee  Dimocrats,  who  hev  bin  out  to  Michigan, 
and  left  there  all  ther  Puritanism,  bringin  back  with 
em,  in  its  stead,  all  the  cussidnis  indigenous  to  that 
soil,  wich  cussidness,  grafted  onto  ther  natral  cute- 
nis,  makes  em  rather  enterprisin  in  ther  worthlisnis. 
In  Boston  itself,  the  prospeck  is  good.  There'll  be 
a  immense  crowd  present  to  dedicate  the  Masonik 
Temple,  wich  we  shell  claim  the  credit  uv  bringin, 
ez  we  did  the  throngs  which  come  to  see  us  on  the 
toor  north,  but  wich  wood  persist  in  hollerin  '  Grant ! ' 
The  trooly  good  men  uv  Boston  are  Ablishnists  ;  but 
there's  some  thousands  wich  want  offices,  and  them, 
with  a  sprinklin  uv  Demokrats  and  Conservatives, 
ought  to  make  us  a  handsome  recepshen.  There  is 
yet  men  in  Boston  who  used  to  return  fugitive  slaves, 
and  ther  is  besides  the  eminently  respectable  gentle 
men  who  are  so  conservative  that  they  hold  onto 
sin  becoz  it's  old  and  established  by  precedent,  and 
so  aristocratic  that  they  won't  do  right,  jist  becoz 
doin  rite  is  a  quite  common  thing  in  that  secksun ; 


THE  BOSTON  EXCURSION.  197 

who  hold  onto  the  cote-tale  uv  progress,  and  holler 
'  Stop ! '  and  who,  ef  they  tie  theirselves  to  a  good 
cause,  load  it  down  with  their  dignity.  Like  the 
2d  Lootenants  uv  '61,  their  baggage  is  worth  mor'n 
they  are.  But  the  trip  wron't  hurt  us.  You  can't 
make  the  Ablishnists  more  Ablishn,  and  them  ez 
foller  us  for  the  loaves  and  fishes  \ve  dispense,  wood 
still  foller  us,  ef  the  road  we  took  led  ez  strate 
through  perdishen  ez  a  pigeon  wood  fly.  It  may  be 
that  it's  the  method  by  wich  we  shel  finally  carry 
Noo  England.  Pope  sez,  — 

*  Vice  is  a  monster  uv  such  hidjus  mien, 
That  to  be  hated  needs  but  to  be  seen.' 

"  Now,  ef  we  follered  the  poet  no  further,  we  shood 
never  go,  but  each  one  wood  keep  ez  close  in  his 
respective  apartment  ez  possible.  But,  knowin  man 
kind,  he  goes  on  :  — 

'  But  seen  too  oft,  familiar  with  its  face, 
We  first  endoor,  then  pity,  then  embrace.' 

"  That's  it.  We  must  be  seen  too  oft.  We  must 
make  em  familiar  with  our  face.  Ef  we  stay  long 
enuff,  I  don't  despair  uv  seein  Boston  givin  yoo  an 
ovashen,  and  seein  yoo  locked  in  the  arms  uv  Wen 
dell  Phillips.  Ef  they  commence  pityin  your  the 
reackshen  will  take  them  to  the  embracin,  and  it 


198  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

seems  ez  though  they  ought  to  be  at  that  pint  by 
this  time.  And  then  ef  yoo  make  this  toor,  and  say 
nothing  ideotik,  the  very  novelty  uv  it  will  direct 
attention  from  wat  we've  desided  to  do  with  Sheri 
dan,  Sickles,  Pope,  et  al.  It  will  bewilder  the 
people." 

And  so  it  wuz  desided  to  go.  Thro  Delaware 
the  resepshens  wuz  all  that  we  desired,  and  in  Mary 
land  the  people  come  in  crowds  to  greet  us ;  tho  the 
cheers  partook  so  much  uv  the  nacher  uv  the  cheer 
ful  yells  wich  the  Confedrit  soljers  employed  when 
they  charged,  that  Sekretary  Seward's  nerves  wuz 
somewat  shockt.  Ez  Philadelphy  didn't  offer  us  the 
hospitalities  uv  the  city,  we  didn't  stop  ther  at  all. 
The  train  run  around  it,  the  President's  nose  bein 
elevatid  all  the  time  ez  tho  he  smelt  suthin.  When 
it  had  finally  passed,  Mr.  Randall  announst  the  fact, 
and  the  Presidenshel  face  assoomed  its  yoosual 
benine  expression  ez  we  glided  into  the  sacred  soil 
uv  Noo  Gersey. 

In-Noo  York,  Morrissy  hed  done  his  part.  Ther 
wuz  spectable  bodies  uv  cheerers  at  the  pints  agreed 
upon,  and,  ez  they  hed  bin  paid  librally,  the  spon 
taneous  enthoosiasm  wuz  ez  good  in  quality  ez  it 
wuz  large  in  quantity.  Occasionally  a  cheerer, 
wich  hed  taken  too  much  uv  his  wages  in  advance, 


THE  BOSTON  EXCURSION.  199 

wood  yell  for  JefFson  Davis,  but  it  wuzn't  notist. 
It  didn't  mar  the  pleasant  uniformity  uv  the  pro- 
ceedins,  or  strike  anybody  ez  bein  singler.  They 
tried  terrible  hard  to  get  a  speech  out  uv  us,  and 
the  President  wuz  willin  ;  but  Randall,  seein  that 
the  Herald  and  Triboon  hed  reporters  present,  sup- 
prest  him,  and  got  him  off  to  bed  comparatively 
sober,  and  very  early. 

Arrivin  at  Boston,  I  wuz  surprized  at  the  length, 
depth,  and  breadth  uv  the  enthoosiasm  wich  greeted 
us.  Ez  ef  to  show  ther  greef  at  the  death  uv  Presi 
dents,  we  notist  everywhere  the  portraits  of  our  pred 
ecessor,  Linkin,  draped  in  mournin,  at  wich  the 
President  dropt  a  tear,  sayin,  "  See  how  they  mourn 
us  wen  we're  everlastinly  gone  !  "  Ther  wuz  a  sort 
uv  subdood  enthoosiasm,  a  kind  uv  half-mournin 
gladnis,  ef  I  may  say  so,  wich  wuz  gratifyin. 

We  wuz  receeved  by  Gov'nor  Bullock,  whose 
speech  wuz  a  noble  triboot  to  the  President.  "  I 
welcome  yoo,"  sed  he,  "  to  Massachoosits.  Many 
Presidents  hev  visited  Noo  England,  and  this  visit, 
like  theirn,  excites  devoshen  to  the  Yoonion,  and 
respeck  for  them,  wich,  in  their  offishel  posishen, 
respeck  the  government  uv  the  whole  country.  Our 
desire  is  to  manifest  our  regard  for  those  who,  in 
offishel  capacity,  respeck  the  Nashnel  Yoonion, 


200  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

wich  is  to  say,  we  respeck  the  Nasbnel  Yoonion. 
I  trust  the  President  will  stay  long  enuff  to  enable 
us  to  manifest  our  high  regard  for — (here  the  Presi 
dent's  face  brightened  up)  YOOR  OFFIS  !  (the  Presi 
dent  turned  frightfully  red,  wich  Bullock,  whose 
principles  wuz  a  rasslin  a  back  holt  with  his  polite 
ness,  notist,  and  he  added)  —  AND  TO  YOO,  PER 
SONALLY  !  " 

Ez  them  last  words  ishood  slowly  and  despritly, 
the  President's  face  lighted  up.  He  tendered  him 
thanks  for  the  resepshun.  He  woodent  undertake 
to  conceel  emoshens  which  agitated  him  at  this  per- 
sonel  welcome  upon  the  soil  uv  Massachoosits.  It 
wuzn't  necessary  for  him  to  go  into  the  histry  uv 
Massachoosets  ez  he  wuz  in  the  habit  uv  doin 
further  South,  ez  those  afore  him  wuz  probably  ez 
familyer  with  it  ez  he  wuz  ;  but  he  wood  ashoor 
em,  for  their  encouragement,  that  the  histry  uv  Mas 
sachoosits,  in  conneckshn  with  the  histry  uv  these 
States,  hez  become  a  part  uv  the  histry  uv  the  coun 
try  ;  and  therefore,  in  visitin  Massachoosits  under 
sich  pekoolyer  circumstances,  it  is  pekoolyerly  grati- 
fyin  to  receeve  sich  a  welcome.  In  regard  to  yoor 
remarks  tetchin  the  preservashen  uv  these  States,  I 
trust  I  may  say  without  egotism,  a  vice  wich  I  hev 
never  bin  accused  uv,  and  from  wich  I  may  say  no 


THE  BOSTON  EXCURSION.  201 

one  is  more  singlerly  free  than  myself,  I  yield  to  no 
patriot,  livin  or  dead,  in  my  devoshen,  to  that  pur 
pose.  I  dislike  speekin,  ez  I  kin  trooly  say  that  I 
am  not  loquashus ;  but  when  trooth,  wich  I  love, 
and  the  coz  uv  humanity,  wich  I  tie  to,  is  at  stake, 
I  hev  spoke.  I  may  say,  without  egotism,  that  I 
live  for  principle  ;  and  I  thank  the  people  uv  Massa- 
choosits,  wich  my  visit  hez  drawd  to  Boston,  for  the 
outburst  uv  regard  wich  greets  me.  Without  ego 
tism  I  may  say,  that  it's  a  outburst  ekalled  by  few 
and  excelled  by  none  ever  given  a  President  in  the 
Yoonited  States  or  elsewhere ;  and  it  is  my  prayer 
that  comin  in  contact  with  me  will  do  the  people 
uv  Boston  good.  Yoor  remarks,  not  referrin  di- 
reckly  to  me,  on  the  Rooshn  purchis,,  and  a  more 
economical  collecshin  uv  the  internal  revenue,  also 
meets  my  corjel  approbashen,  lovin  ez  I  do  my  com 
mon  country." 

Randall  pulled  at  his  coat-tale,  when  the  Presi 
dent  remarkt  that  he  might  say,  without  egotism, 
that  he  didn't  desire  to  make  a  speech,  and  stopt. 
We  brought  him  off  in  comparatively  good  order. 

We  stopt  at  the  Tremont  House.  It  is  a  good 
hotel,  and  the  waiters  are  ez  they  ought  to  be,  nig 
gers.  It's  soothin  to  a  troo  Dimekrat  to  be  waited 
on  by  a  nigger.  Yoo  kin  damn  a  nigger  waiter, 


2O2       EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

but  put  a  white  man  in  that  posishen,  and  yoo  feel 
a  delicacy  about  it.  When  we  retired,  the  President 
insisted  that  I  shood  sleep  lyin  across  the  doorway 
uv  his  room. 

"Why?"  asked  I. 

"  I  am  in  Boston,"  replied  he,  "  wher  they  stun 
the  prophets.  Boston  dislikes  me.  Boston  wears 
to-day  a  smilin  face  ;  but  wot  kind  uv  a  hart  does 
that  smilin  face  conceal?  Sumner  lives  in  Boston, 
and  so  does  Phillips.  In  Boston  they  elect  niggers 
to  the  Legislacher,  and  are  tryin  to  stop  the  sale  uv 
whiskey.  Wot  kind  uv  a  place  is  that  for  a  Dime- 
kratic  President  to  trust  hisself  into?  Yoo  sleep 
across  my  doorway,  and  ef  a  band  uv  Ablishnists, 
deemin  me  their  foe,  shood  strive  to  enter,  they 
wood  hev  to  first  sheath  their  daggers  in  yoor  body. 
Meanwhile  I  wood  escape,  and  continyoo  to  live 
for  my  lovd  country.  You  cood,  by  preparin  be 
forehand  a  few  impressive  last  words,  make  a  gorjus 
death  uv  it,  and  do  the  coz  good.  For  instance,  ez 
Sumner  stuck  yoo,  yoo  cood  gasp,  "  Slay  me,  but 
spare  A.  J.,  the  hope  uv  the  Republic."  Or,  ez 
Wilson  struck  yoo  down  with  a  bludgeon,  yoo  mite 
exclaim,  "  I  die  willinly  for  the  Constitooshen  with 
36  stars  onto  it."  Any  little  quotashen  from  any  uv 
my  speeches,  joodiciously  throwd  in  under  sich  cir- 


THE  BOSTON  EXCURSION. 


203 


cumstances,  wood  do  good.  Yoo  will  sleep  ther 
to-night ;  and  remember,  in  case  you  are  called  upon 
to  die,  the  proper  quotashens." 

Seward  concurred,  but  Randall  objectid.  He 
didn't  anticipate  any  sich  danger.  Ef  Boston  wants 
to  git  rid  uv  the  President,  they  hev  a  shorter  way 
than  assassinashen.  Rash  politishuns  only  assassi 
nate  them  wich  they  can't  find  cause  to  impeach. 
But  he  wuzn't  afraid  uv  Boston.  We  stood  a  better 
chance  uv  dying  of  excessive  hospitality  in  Boston 
than  uv  bein  stabbed.  Our  stomachs  mite  protrude 
in  Boston,  but  our  bowels  never.  Boston  wood  feast 
us,  for  ther  are  enuff  men  in  Boston  who  want  po- 
sishen  to  keep  us  a  goin  a  year  or  two.  He  feared 
dyspepsia  more  than  daggers,  and  hed  no  fears  uv 
the  wine  bein  pizened. 

Nevertheless,  I  wuz  forst  to  sleep  in  that  posishen, 
wich  I  did,  wakin  up  in  the  mornin  ez  sore  and  stiff 
ez  a  plow-hoss.  I  don't  know  how  far  the  trip  will 
be  extended. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor  in  the  Ham 
and  Japheth  Free  Academy  for  the  Develop 
ment  uv  the  Intellek  uv  all  Races  irrespectiv 
of  Color. 


204  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY, 


XXIV. 

Mr.  Nasby  dreams  a  Dream,  caused,  probably,  by 
the  New  England  Atmosphere  which  he  was 
breathing":  Prefaced  by  some  few  Incidents  of 
the  Visit  of  his  Grand  Seigneur  to  Boston. 

TREMONT  HOUSE,  BOSTON     ^ 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Massachoosets),  v 

June  29,  1867.      j 

IHEV  alluz  bed  an  incorrect  idea  uv  Boston. 
I  sposed  Boston  to  be  strate-laced,  moral  to  a 
degree  not  to  be  understood  by  a  Dimocrat,  and 
Puritanicle.  I  wuz  mistaken.  Ther  is  ez  heavy  a 
per  cent,  uv  men  in  whom  His  Eggslency  and  I  kin 
take  delite  ez  ther  is  in  any  city  in  the  country,  ez 
the  followin  incidents,  which  came  under  my  notice, 
will  show :  — 

Ez  we  wuz  a  goin  through  Franklin  Street,  a  man 
stepped  up  to  the  carriage  rather  hesitatinly. 

"  Mr.  President,"  sed  he. 

"  Well,"  sed  His  Eggslency,  turnin  full  upon 
him. 


A  DREAM.  205 

The  site  uv  the  nose  uv  the  Step  Father  uv  his 
Country  reashured  him. 

"  Mr.  President,  wood  yoo  like  some  punch?  " 

"  Punch  !  Certainly.  But  hevn't  yoo  suthin 
stronger,  to  lay  a  foundashen  with?  " 

"  Certinly ! "  and  he  pulled  a  bottle  uv  brandy 
from  his  right  hind-pocket,  and  the  great  man  took 
an  observashen  uv  the  sky  thro  the  bottom  uv  it, 
wich  lasted  a  minnit.  I  never  agin  will  doubt  that 
the  material  to  make  Democrisy  uv  exists  in  a  coun 
try  where  they  come  at  yoo  with  punch,  and  hev 
brandy  bottles  in  their  coat-pockets. 

Bokays  were  showered  upon  us.  One  old  gentle 
man,  who  sot  two  hours  in  a  chair  waitin  to  present 
us  with  his,  finally  histed  it  at  us.  The  fact  that 
ther  wuz  a  note  in  it  askin  fur  a  posishen  fur  the 
genrous  giver,  don't  detract  anything  from  the  valyoo 
uv  the  gift.  When  we  got  to  the  end  uv  our  trip 
there  wuz  a  dray-load  uv  bokays  in  our  carriage, 
and  in  all  but  three  uv  em  wuz  tied-up  recommen- 
dashens  for  the  givers  for  places.  It  is  better  to  hev 
sich  missives  enveloped  in  roses,  though  the  most 
thorns  we  git  ain't  got  roses  round  em. 

The  most  tcchin  incident  was  the  number  uv 
babies  we  hed  to  kiss.  The  mothers  pressed  to 
our  carriage-steps  to  present  their  offsprings.  Mis- 


2o6  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

takin  me  for  the  President,  I  kisst  half  uv  em. 
The  rapcherus  expreshun  on  the  upturned  faces 
uv  the  anxshus  mothers  affected  the  President  to 
teers,  showin,  ez  it  did,  the  confidence  reposed  in 
him. 

"  Whisht,  Teddy  !  "  sed  one  uv  em,  "  and  howld 
yer  mug  up  fer  the  man  to  kiss  who  doesn't  kiss  the 
dirthy  nagers  I " 

"  Musha,  Phelim,  be  still.  The  Presiding  bless 
his  sowl,  won't  bite  ye  !  " 

"  Lind  me  yer  apurn,  Peggy,  to  wipe  Terry's  face 
wid.  The  Prisidint  must  kiss  the  darlin.  'Taint 
ivery  Prisidint  wood  do  the  loike." 

And  the  President  kissed,  and  I  kissed,  till  our 
lips  wuz  sore. 

Sich  is  position. 

That  nite  I  received  a  letter  from  Deekin  Pogram, 
in  wich  he  desired  me  to  ascertain  whether  or  no 
there  wuz  eny  bottom  to  the  Northern  Dimocrisy. 
Captain  McPelter  sed  the  Northern  Dimocrisy  wuz 
strong  enufT  to  carry  us  uv  Kentucky  throo,  while 
Pollock,'  the  Illinoyer,  swore  the  Northern  Dimoc 
risy  hed  a  considerable  more  to  do  to  carry  them 
selves  than  they  hed  bin  able  to  accomplish  for  some 
time  —  that  in  a  pullin  match  a  corpse  wuzn't  uv 
much  akkount,  ef  it  wuz  a  big  one.  With  this  let- 


A  DREAM.  207 

ter  in  my  hand  I  fell  asleep,  and  while  asleep, 
drecmed. 

Methawt  I  wuz  in  Noo  Orleans  at  a  gathrin  uv 
the  Faithful,  who  wuz  called  together  for  the  pur 
pose  of  considrin  wat  to  do.  Sum  few  —  Long- 
street,  Gov.  Brown,  and  Jeff.  Thompson  —  wuz  in 
favor  uv  submission,  and  hed  got  the  majority  uv 
the  Southern  people  to  agree  with  em  that  ther  wuz 
no  yoose  uv  further  resistance,  and  they  wuz  jist 
about  to  so  declare,  when  Vallandigham,  Ben  Wood, 
Toucey,  Morrissey,  Voorhees,  and  a  score  or  two 
more  uv  that  kind,  rushed  in  and  begged  uv  em  to 
hold  out.  "Why  submit?"  sed  Vallandigham. 
"  We'll  sustain  yoo.  The  Northern  Dimocrisy  is 
a  giant  wich  kin  yet  pertect  yoo.  He's  in  his  prime, 
and  strong  enuff  yit  to  carry  yoo  throo  twice  the 
troubles  wich  threatens  yoo.  Depend  onto  us  — 
we'll  carry  yoo." 

And  the  Southerners  whopped  over  to  their  side 
and  yelled  fiercely,  "  No  submission  !  "  and  imme- 
jitly  the  entire  bilin  uv  em  startid  North  with  these 
men,  to  ascertain  the  strength  and  carryin  capacity 
uv  the  Northern  Dimocrisy.  Methawt  the  party 
travelled  and  travelled  until  finally  they  come  to  a 
vast  plain  in  Kentucky,  onto  wich  wuz  extendid 
prostrate  the  form  uv  a  Giant.  It  was  a  Giant, 


208  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

immense  in  statoo,  but  emaciated  to  the  last  degree. 
His  limbs  hed  bin  strong,  his  teeth  terrible,  and  his 
trunk  massive ;  but  it  wuz  plane  to  see  that  he  wuz 
pegged  out,  and  a  look  at  its  face  showed  why  it 
wuz  so.  Dissipation  had  redoost  him  to  helplessnis. 
His  face  wuz  bloatid  and  bloo,  his  eyes  wuz  sot  and 
ghastly,  his  chest  was  holler  and  sunken,  his  legs 
like  pipe-stems,  and  ulcers,  boils,  sores,  broozes,  and 
contooshens  kivered  him  from  head  to  foot,  and  he 
drawd  his  breath  with  a  effort. 

He  lay  a  groanin  and  a  groanin.  Randall  wuz 
a  tenderly  feedin  him  out  uv  a  huge  bottle,  labelled 
"  Appintments,"  which  appeared  to  give  him  tem- 
prary  strength  ;  but  the  effect  of  that  wuz  lost  by 
President  Johnson's  dosin  him  with  an  offensiv 
smellin  rnixter,  labelled  "  Policy,"  every  swaller  uv 
wich  wood  throw  him  into  a  spasm.  Gov.  English 
was  rubbin  one  arm  with  a  liniment  Randall  gave 
him,  and  hed  succeeded  in  gettin  up  a  little  circula 
tion  in  it. 

"  Wat  is  this?"  askt  the  Southerners. 

"  Northern  Dimocrisy ! "  sed  English,  rubbin 
away  vigrously. 

'•Is  this  the  Giant  which  is  to  carry  us?"  said 
the  Southern  gentlemen,  viewin  the  disgustin  objick 
doubtfully. 


A  DREAM.  209 

"  Certainly  !  "  sed  Johnson.  "  Now  can't  you 
git  up?  "  sed  he  to  the  prostrate  bein,  givin  it  a  very 
large  swaller  out  uv  his  bottle.  The  Giant  made  an 
effort,  but  flopped  down  agin  like  a  dish-rag. 

"  Gentlemen  !  "  said  Vallandigham,  "  we  shel  hev 
to  call  upon  you  to  assist  in  settin  him  onto  his  feet, 
and  then  it'll  be  all  rite  with  him.  He's  bin  this 
way  afore." 

Accordingly,  the  Southerners  gathered  around 
him  to  lift  him  up.  His  arms,  I  notist,  wuz  marked 
respectively  Connecticut  and  Delaware,  and  his  legs 
Maryland  and  Kentucky,  and  in  them  there  wuz 
strength,  for  ez  soon  ez  the  innocent  Southerners 
got  near  enuff  he  wrapped  them  limbs  around  em, 
and  sed,  — 

"  Lift !  " 

"  We  can't,"  sed  they. 

"  Yoo  must,"  sed  he  ;  "I  got  into  this  condishen 
fightin  yoor  battles,  and  doin  yoor  work.  I  was 
strong  and  vigorous  until  I  got  to  runnin  after  yoor 
harlots ;  and  for  yoor  sake  I  wuz  druv  out  uv  my 
native  States  into  this  accussid  region.  Yoo  must 
carry  me  wat  time  I  hev  yet  to  live.  Hist  me  !  hist 
me  !  " 

Those  caught  coodent  get  away,  and  the  others 


2io  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

generously  come  to  ther  aid,  and  makin  a  terrible 
effort,  they  raised  the  half-dead  bein  onto  their 
shoulders,  holdin  their  noses  meanwhile,  and  pre 
pared  to  start.  Ez  the  percession  wuz  about  to 
move,  Vallandigham  remarked,  "  Stop  a  minit,  gen 
tlemen  !  "  and  loaded  ez  he  wuz  with  his  war  record, 
he  clambered  up  ther  shoulders  and  took  a  seat  on 
the  carkiss.  Voorhees,  jist  ez  badly  encumbered, 
did  likewise,  and  so  did  the  Woods,  both  uv  em, 
and  poor  Jimmy  Bookannan,  Seymour,  Toucey, 
and  a  hundred  or  so  more,  the  unfortunit  bearers 
sweatin  under  this  addishnal  load. 

"Is  all  ready?"  sed  they. 

"  One  moment !  '*'  sed  Johnson,  and  him  and  Ran 
dall,  and  Seward,  climbed  up. 

This  wuz  the  last  feather.  The  bearers  mite  hev 
staggered  off  under  the  carkiss,  and  them  wich 
climbed  onto  it  first,  but  this  last  addishn  to  ther 
burden  wuz  friteful.  It  fmisht  em.  Groanin  under 
the  weight,  they  swayed  like  a  leaf  in  the  wind,  — 
like  a  majestic  tree  jist  about  to  fall.  They  struggled 
a  minit  to  maintain  themselves  —  but  all  in  vain. 
A  breef  struggle  —  a  desprit  gasp  —  they  give  up, 
and  ther  knees  doublin  up,  the  whole  concern  come 
to  the  earth  with  a  squashin  sound,  wich  letters  can't 


A  DREAM.  211 

express,  and  the  half-decomposed  mass  sorter  fell 
apart.  Raymond  and  Thurlow  Weed,  wich  hed 
bin  hangin  round,  got  out  from  under  jist  in  time 
to  save  theirselves.  The  Southerners  got  out  from 
under  the  putrid  mass,  tho  almost  smothered  by  the 
stench.  Vallandigham  and  that  class  made  lite  uv 
it,  ez  they  had  bin  around  it.  It  staggered  Johnson 
some,  but  he  hed  bin  accustomed  to  suthin  ap- 
proximatin  very  closely  to  it  in  the  old  times,  and 
it  didn't  serously  affect  him ;  but  poor  Randall, 
Seward,  and  Welles  were  smothered,  and  died. 

I  wuz  tryin  to  pull  Randall's  corpse  out,  when 
the  effort  I  wuz  makin  awoke  me. 

I  ain't  altogether  certain  but  that  that  dream 
means  suthin.  When  I  think  of  it,  it  is  rather 
preposterous  for  us  to  hope  the  Northern  Dimoc- 
racy  will  carry  us,  when  they  can't  carry  a  single 
State  uv  their  own ;  jist  about  ez  preposterous  ez 
it  is  for  them  to  look  to  us  for  help,  when  all  uv 
us  ez  wood  jine  em  hevn't  got  a  vote.  Pollock's 
remark,  —  "In  a  pullin  match,  a  corpse  ain't  of 
much  akkount,  even  ef  it  is  a  big  one,"  —  weighs 
onto  my  mind.  Suthin  can't  come  out  uv  nothin  ; 
tho  ez  in  the  case  uv  Seward,  nothin  may  come 
out  uv  suthin.  Ef  we  cood  git  —  but,  pshaw  !  we 


212  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

can't.      Thank   the   Lord,  we   kin   hold   the   Post- 
offises  two  years  yit. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor  in  the  Ham 
and  Japheth  Free  Academy  for  the  Develop 
ment  uv  the  Intellek  uv  all   Races  irrespectiv 
of  Color. 


A  NATIONAL  CONVENTION.  213 


xxv. 

Mr.  Nasby  insists  that  the  Democracy  hold  a  Na 
tional  Convention  at  once,  to  de-fine  the  Position 
of  the  Party  upon  an  Important  Question. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT   X   ROADS  \ 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  I 

July  12,  1867.      j 

IN  castin  my  eye  carelessly  over  the  politikle 
field,  wich  Seward  and  me  do  every  sixty  days, 
I  think  I  kin  spy  into  the  horizon  a  bud  wich  is 
swellin  into  a  most  hopeful  flower.  It  is  spredin 
itself  into  a  hurricane,  wich  threatens  to  sweep 
away  the  fabric  uv  Ablishnism  and  purify  the  politi 
kle  atmosphere.  The  Radikle  party  hev  bin  at  last 
forced  to  adopt  the  legitimit  endin  uv  their  sooicidle 
principles,  —  nigger  suffrage,  —  and  from  that  the 
Dimokrisy,  ef  they  are  wise,  will  snatch  a  triumph 
litrally  from  the  jaws  uv  death.  WE  HEV  EM  NOW. 
In  Ohio  that  question  is  to  be  voted  onto  this  fall ; 
in  Noo  York  and  Michigan  it's  raisin  a  breeze  in 


214  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

ther  Convenshnns ;  and  in  Pennsylvania,  Illmoy, 
and  Indiana,  it  can't  be  long  put  off.  It's  our  best 
holt.  The  proud  Caucashen,  wich  votes  the  Dime- 
•  cratic  tikkit,  hez  no  objeckshun  to  bein  jossled  by 
the  Nigger  in  the  rush  to  pay  taxes  ;  but  his  hawty 
soul  recoils  at  the  idee  uv  bein  elbowed  by  him  at 
the  polls.  Besides,  the  Dimecratic  voters  don't  want 
the  ballot  given  to  any  other  lower  class.  It  wood 
make  undoo  competishen.  Ez  I  remarked,  WE'VE 
GOT  EM.  Wat  the  Demokrisy  want  now  is  to  so 
handle  this  delikit  subjick  ez  to  make  the  most 
uv  it. 

The  great  trouble  with  the  party  is,  that  there  is 
no  uniform  style  uv  meetin  this  question.  On  the 
main  question  we  are  all  agreed.  We  all  oppose 
nigger  suffrage.  It's  a  part  and  parcel  uv  a  Demo- 
krat's  nacher  to  oppose  nigger  suffrage.  The  lead 
ers  uv  the  party  opposed  it  at  the  beginnin;  for  seein 
how  the  ballot  wuz  abused  by  ther  followers,  they 
trembled  for  the  Republic  ef  it  wuz  entrusted  to 
the  hands  uv  any  more  uv  ekal  capassity,  and  the 
masses  uv  the  organization  opposed  givin  it  to  the 
nigger,  becoz  that  one  privilege,  and  color,  wuz  all 
that  distinguished  em.  It's  a  pecoolyarity  uv  unre- 
generated  human  nacher  that  it  must  alluz  bear 
down  on  somebody.  The  poet  sez,  — 


A  NATIONAL  CONVENTION.  215 

"  Even  the  lice  hev  smaller  ones  to  bite  em, 
And  they  still  smaller  ones,  ad  infinitum." 

Fortunately,  the  Dimokracy  hev  the  nigger  for 
their  smaller  lice.  The  sturdy  yeomanry  felt  it  to 
be  a  soothin  thing  to  find,  wunst  each  yeer,  that  in 
wun  thing  at  least  he  wuz  sooperior  to  someboddy ; 
and  so  it  will  be  so  long  ez  there  is  a  Dimokracy. 
The  troo  Dimokrat  promotes  hisself,  not  by  liftin 
hisself  above  the  level  onto  wich  he  finds  hisself, 
but  by  shovin  some  wun  down  to  a  lower  level ; 
and  ez  ther  wuzn't  anybody  else  on  this  Continent 
wich  they  cood  git  hold  uv,  the  nigger  wuz,  long 
ago,  selected  fur  that  purpose. 

The  great  trouble  is,  we  oppose  nigger  suffrage 
now  from  too  many  stand-pints.  Some  oppose  it 
on  the  skore  uv  the  inferiority  uv  the  Afrikin  ;  but 
that  never  wuz  a  popler  idea  with  our  people. 
They  may  hev  assented  to  it  outwardly,  but  in  ther 
own  minds  they  objected.  "  Ef,"  sez  a  reliable 
Dimokrat  to  hisself,  "  ef  that's  the  rool,  WAT  IN 

THUNDER   IS   TO   BECOME  UV  ME  !  " 

Likewise  the  idea  uv  onfitness,  wich  others  uv 
our  apossels  advance.  "  They  can't  read  nor  rite  !  " 
shreeks  a  injoodishus  cuss,  speekin  to  a  audience, 
two  thirds  uv  wich  go  to  him  reglerly  to  reed 
their  ballots  to  em,  and  who,  when  they  sign  prom- 


2i6  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

issory  notes,  put  an    X  atween  their  first  and  last 
names. 

Anuther  speeker  quotes  Noah  to  em,  and  boldy 
asserts  that  the  nigger  is  the  descendant  uv  Ham, 
and  that  he  is  the  identikle  indivijjle  wich  wuz  cust 
by  Noah  ;  but  he  runs  agin  the  fact  that  the  rest  uv 
em,  wich  is  in  Afrika  yet,  hev  managed  to  dodge 
the  cuss,  ez  they  ain't  servin  ther  white  brethren, 
and  them  wich  wuz  brot  here  to  be  Chrischinized 
hev  busted  ther  bonds,  and  are  jest  about  ez  free, 
so  far  ez  servitood  goes,  ez  anybody. 

There  is,  ez  I  hev  showed,  all  these  conflictin 
ideas  that  work  agin  us.  Therefore,  I  want  a  Nash- 
nel  Convenshun.  I  want  a  convocashen  uv  the 
lights  uv  the  party  to  set  forth  authoritively  WHY 
we  oppose  nigger  suffrage  —  to  give  a  reeson  for 
it,  that  all  our  people  may  act  together,  ez  do  other 
well-regulated  machines.  Let  us  cum  together  and 
ishoo  our  manifesto,  that  we  may  know  percisely 
the  pertikler  line  uv  argument  to  pursoo. 

I  shel  be  at  that  Convenshun,  and  I  hev  made  up 
my  mind  wot  platform  to  lay  down.  I  shel  go  back 
on  Ham,  Hager,  and  Onesimus.  I  shel  turn  from 
the  inferiority  idea,  and  take  the  broad  ground  that 
the  nigger  is  a  beast  j  that  he  ain't  a  man  at  all; 
and  consekently  he  hez  no  more  rites  than  any  other 


A  NATIONAL  CONVENTION.  217 

animal.  I  put  my  foot  onto  him  by  authority  of 
the  decree  that  unto  man  wuz  given  dominion  over 
the  beasts ;  that  we  are  men,  and  they  are  beasts. 
Ef  they  admit  the  first  proposishen,  they  -will  the 
last.  I  shel  assert  boldly  and  brodly  his  onfitnis  to 
mingle  with  us,  becoz  his  fizzikle  structure,  his 
muscles,  nerves,  fibres,  bein  different,  go  to  show 
that  he  wuz  uv  a  different  origin,  and  uv  a  lower 
origin.  I  shel  plant  myself  on  the  stoopenjus,  yet 
simple  proposishen,  that  the  Almity  made  him,  prob 
ably,  but  at  a  different  time  and  for  a  different  pur- 
pus,  wich  I  shel  show  by  citin  the  color  uv  his  skin, 
the  length  uv  his  foot,  the  shape  uv  his  head,  and 
sich  other  matters  as  I  kin  git  together  in  time  for 
the  Convenshen. 

Uv  course  this  doctrine  will  meet  with  objectors. 
We  hev  a  few  thin-skinned  perfessers  uv  religion, 
whose  piety  service  in  our  ranks  hezn't  quite  oblit 
erated,  who  will  say  that  these  dogmas  undermines 
the  Christian  religion,  ez  it  destroys  the  doctrin  uv 
the  unity  uv  the  races  onto  wich  orthodoxy  is  built. 
To  this  I  shel  answer,  that  sposin  it  does,  wot  then? 
Uv  wot  comparison  is  any  religion  a  Orthodox 
Dimocrat  hez  to  a  triumph  uv  the  party?  Wot 
hez  Dimocrisy  to  do  with  religion  any  how?  It 
hez  never  permitted  it  to  mix  in  its  pollytix.  Di- 


2i8  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

mocrisy  bleeves  in  keepin  Church  and  State  ez  far 
apart  ez  possible. 

Shood  the  Ablishnists  pint  to  niggers  wich  reed 
and  write,  I  shood  say  to-wunst  that  there  is  differ 
ent  degrees  uv  instink,  —  that  ez  one  dorg  hez  more 
instink  than  another,  that  so  one  nigger  hez  more 
than  another ;  and  then  I  shood  wind  this  answer 
up  by  askin  him,  "  Sir,  wood  yoo  force  yoor  claw- 
ter  to  marry  a  nigger,  even  ef  he  cood  reed  and 
write  ?  "  This  hez  alluz  done  good  service,  pertike- 
lerly  ef  yoo  walk  hurridly  away  before  there  is  time 
for  an  answer. 

Ther  is  one  pint  wich  is  a  stumper  —  but  only 
one.  One  man  to  whom  I  unfolded  this  theory, 
asked  me,  sneerinly,  wat  I  wuz  a  goin  to  do  with  a 
mulatter  who  wuz  half  white  a*nd  half  black  —  half 
man  and  half  beast  —  half  instink,  wich  dies  with 
him,  and  half  sole,  wich  wuz  to  be  saved  and  fitted 
for  the  skies,  or  lost?  When  a  mulatter  dies,  wat 
then?  Does  the  half  sole  uv  the  half  jpian  drag  the 
instink  uv  the  beast  behind  it  in  a  limpin,  lop-sided 
fashion,  into  heaven?  or  does  the  instink  drag  the 
sole  into  the  limbo  for  animals?  "  Ef  this  latter 
idea  be  correct,"  sed  he,  "  in  that  limbo  how  much 
Southern  sole  is  floatin  about,  held  in  solooshen  in 
animal  instink !  " 


A  NATIONAL  CONVENTION.  219 

An  old  friend  uv  mine,  in  Kentucky,  become  in 
dignant  wen  I  propounded  the  beast  theory  to  him, 
and  he  threatened  me  with  corporeal  punishment 
ef  I  didn't  quit  his  presence  —  wich  I  did  to-wunst. 
Alas,  for  the  imprudence  of  zealous  men !  Before 
speekin  to  him  on  the  subjick,  I  didn't  notis  the 
skores  uv  brite  yeller  children  all  about  the  place, 
rangin  from  the  infant  uv  six  months  to  the  boy  uv 
sixteen,  and  all  uv  em  with  his  noze ! 

But,  notwithstandin  these  drawbacks,  it's  the  most 
healthy  doctrine  we've  got,  and  the  only  ground  upon 
which  we  kin  stand  sekoorly.  It  kivers  the  ground, 
and  besides,  it  doirt  interfere  with  anybody  else's 
idea.  The  orators  wich  implore  the  people  ef  they 
want  to  marry  niggers,  kin  make  the  appeal  with 
more  force  after  assertin  that  the  nigger  is  a  beast ; 
and  the  anshent  virgins,  who  will  this  fall  bear  the 
banners  onto  wich  will  be  proudly  inscribed,  "  We 
want  no  niggers  for  husbands !  "  will  bear  em  still 
more  defiantly  ;  for,  if  they  reely  bleeve  the  doctrine, 
they  will  be  in  ea'rnest  in  it. 

At  all  evence,  let  the  Convenshun  be  called,  that 
this  question  may  be  settled.  Let  us  all  stand  on 
one  platform,  that  we  may  make  the  most  uv  this 
God-send.  Let  us  inscribe  onto  our  banner  the 
inskripshen,  "  Ameriky  fur  white  men  !  "  "  Eter- 


220  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

nel  hostility  to  Animel  Suffrage ! "  and  go  in  to 
win.  Ef  the  Amerikin  people  don't  shy  at  Nigger 
Suffrage  now,  they  never  will. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.M. 
(Wich  is  Postmaster). 


AN  AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL  SKETCH.          221 


xxvi. 
An  Autobiographical  Sketch. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS      \ 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  I 

April  22,  1867.       ) 

EDITOR  TOLEDO  BLADE.  SIR  :  En- 
closed  find  photograff  uv  myself,  ez  you  de 
sired.  To  make  a  strikin  picter,  I  flung  myself  into 
the  attitood,  and  assoomed  the  expreslum  wich  mite 
hev  bin  observed  onto  my  classikle  countenance 
when  in  the  act  uv  deliverin  my  justly  celebrated 
sermon,  "  The  wages  uv  Sin  is  Death."  The  $2.00 
wich  yoo  remitted  to  kiver  the  cost  uv  the  picter 
wuz,  I  regret  to  say,  insuffishent.  The  picter  cost 
75  cents,  and  it  took  $1.50  worth  uv  Bascom's  new 
est  to  stiddy  my  nerves  to  the  pint  uv  undergoin  the 
agony  uv  sittin  3  minits  in  front  uv  the  photograffer. 
I  need  not  say  that  he  is  a  incendiary  from  Massa- 
choosets.  Ez  the  deceased  Elder  Gavitt's  son  Issa- 
ker  hez  expressed  a  burnin  desire  to  possess  his 
apparatus,  it  is  probable  that  public  safety  will  very 


222  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

shortly  require  the  expulsion  uv  the  incendiary. 
But  I  hed  my  revenge  —  in  his  pockit  is  none  uv 
my  postal  currency.  Sekoorin  the  picter,  I  told  him 
I  wood  take  it  home,  and  ef  my  intimit  friends,  those 
who  knowd  me,  shood  decide  it  wuz  a  portrait,  I 
wood  call  and  pay  for  it  afore  he  left  the  Corners. 
Will  I  do  it?  Will  this  picter-takin  Ablishnist  ever 
more  behold  me  ?  Ekko  ansers. 

Yoo  may  remit  the  odd  twenty-five  cents,  either  by 
draft  on  Noo  York,  or  money  order,  at  my  resk. 

I  wuz  born  in  the  year  1806,  at  —  I  will  not  say 
where.  I  hev  reasons  for  conceelin  my  birthplace. 
I  don't  want  to  set  any  town  in  that  State  up  in 
biznis.  That  town  hez  gone  loonatic,  and  gives 
Ablishn  majorities  friteful  to  contemplate,  and  I 
don't  want  to  benefit  it  by  givin  it  a  nashnel  rep- 
utashen.  I  don't  want  to  double  the  price  uv  its 
property : — to  be  the  means  uv  erectin  a  dozen,  or 
sich  a  matter,  uv  first  class  hotels  to  accommodate 
the  crowds  ez  wood  make  pilgrimages  thither  to 
visit  my  birthplace.  The  present  owner  uv  the 
house  into  wich  I  first  opened  my  eyes  onto  a  world 
uv  sin,  is  a  Ablishnist  of  the  darkest  dye,  and  I  hev 
no  desire  to  enrich  him.  Never,  by  word  uv  mine, 
shel  he  cut  that  house  up  into  walkin  sticks  and 
buzzum  pins. 


AN  AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL  SKETCH.        223 

My  boyhood  wuz  spent  in  the  pursoot  uv  knol- 
lege  and  muskrats,  mostly  the  latter.  I  wuz  a 
promisin  child.  My  parence  wuz  Democrats,  uv 
the  strictest  kind,  my  mother  in  partikeler.  She 
hatid  eny  one  that  wuzn't  Dimocratic,  with  a  hatred 
that  I  never  saw  ekalled.  When  I  say  that  she 
woodent  borrer  tea  and  sugar  and  sich  uv  Whig 
nabers,  the  length,  and  breadth,  and  depth  of  her 
Dimocrisy  will  be  understood. 

Uv  my  childhood,  I  know  but  little.  My  father 
wuz  a  leadin  man  in  the  humble  speer  in  wich  he 
moved,  holdin,  at  different  times,  the  various  offices 
in  the  town  up  to  constable,  the  successive  steps 
bein  road  supervisor  and  pound  master.  He  wuz 
elected  constable,  and  mite  probably  hev  gone 
higher,  but  for  an  accident  that  occurred  to  him 
the  first  month.  He  collected  a  judgment  for  $18, 
and  the  money  wuz  paid  to  him.  The  good  man 
wuz  a  talented  collector,  but  wuz  singlerly  careless 
in  payin  over  wat  he  collected.  Ez  showin  the  pe- 
koolier  bent  uv  genius  uv  the  old  man,  I  repeet  a 
conversashen  I  wunst  heerd.  A  man  who  hed  an 
account  to  collect,  wuz  consultin  one  who  knowd 
my  father  well,  ez  to  the  safety  uv  puttin  a  claim 
into  his  hands. 

"  Is  he  a  good  collector?"  askt  the  man. 


224  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

"  Splendid  !  "  sed  the  naber. 

"  Is  he  a  man  uv  responsibility?"  askt  the  man. 

"  Sir !  "  sed  the  naber,  "he  hez  the  ability,  but 
yoo'll  find  when  yoo  try  to  git  yoor  money  out  uv 
his  hands  that  he  lacks  the  response." 

Good  ther  hev  bin  a  more  techin  triboot? 

He  wuz  like  all  men  uv  genius,  unbalanced.  His 
ability  was  all  on  one  side.  The  grovelin  plaintiff, 
who  didn't  admire  sich  erratic  flites,  raised  a  ruck- 
shen  about  the  paltry  sum,  and  my  father 

"Folded  his  tent  like  the  Arab, 
And  ez  silently  stole  away." 

From  that  time  out,  the  old  gentleman  migrated 
—  in  fact,  he  lived  mostly  on  the  road.  He  adopted 
movin  ez  a  perfeshun,  and  a  very  profitable  one  he 
made  uv  it.  When  his  hoss  died,  the  nabors,  rather 
than  not  hev  him  move,  wood  chip  in  and  raise  him 
another.  Appreshiatin  the  compliment  they  pade 
him,  he  alluz  went.  I  menshun  these  pekooliarities 
uv  my  ancestor,  becoz 

"  The  lives  uv  all  grate  men  remind  us 
We  may  make  our  lives  sublime, 
And,  departin,  leave  behind  us  —  " 

ef  our  talent  runs  in  that  direckshun,  ez  many  debts 
ez  he  did,  though  it  does  require  espeshel  talents. 


AN  AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL  SKETCH.        225 

This  bed  its  inflooence  upon  my  yoothful  mind. 
I  saw  not  only  a  great  deal  uv  the  country,  but 
much  uv  mankind,  and  I  acquired  that  adaptability 
to  circumstances  wich  hez  ever  distinguished  me. 
Even  to  this  day,  ef  I  can't  git  gin  I  kin  take 
whiskey,  without  a  murmur  and  without  repinin. 

My  politicks  hez  ever  bin  Dimocratic,  and  I  may 
say,  without  egotism,  I  hev  bin  a  yooseful  member 
uv  that  party.  I  voted  for  Jackson  seven  times,  and 
for  every  succeedin  Dimocratic  candidate  ez  many 
times  ez  possible.  For  Mick  Lellan,  I  only  got  in 
four  votes.  I  didn't  approve  uv  the  nominashen, 
and  wuz  not  overly  zealous.  Hed  he  bin  electid, 
wat  wood  it  hev  availed  me  ?  He  hed  enuff  dismist 
army  officers  follerin  him  to  hev  filled  every  offis  in 
his  gift,  and  I  hed  at  that  time  become  too  old  to 
foller  pollytix  for  the  amoozement  it  afforded,  or  for 
the  benefit  uv  any  cause. 

But  this  is  a  digression. 

My  Dimocrisy  wuzn't  partikerly  confirmed ;  in 
fact,  I  wuz  not  a  Dimekrat  from  any  speshel  prin 
ciple,  but  more  becoz  those  in  the  speer  in  wich  I 
moved  wuz,  until  I  arrived  at  the  age  uv  twenty- 
four.  My  father  wuz  intimately  acquainted  with 
me,  and  knowd  all  my  carakteristics  ez  well  ez 
tho  he  hed  bin  the  friend  uv  my  buzzum.  One 
15 


226  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

day,  ez  I  wuz  a  layin  on  my  back  under  a  tree, 
contemplatin  the  beauties  uv  nacher,  my  parent, 
sez  he, — 

"Pete"  (wich  is  short  for  my  name),  "  ef  yoo 
ever  marry,  marry  a  milliner ! " 

"Why?  father  uv  mine,"  replied  I,  openin  my 
eyes. 

"  Becoz,  my  son,"  sed  he,  "  she'll  hev  a  trade 
wich'll  support  yoo,  otherwise  yoo'll  die  uv  starva- 
shen  when  I'm  gone." 

I  thot  the  idea  wuz  a  good  one.  Thro  woman  a 
cuss  come  into  the  world,  wich  cuss  wuz  labor ; 
and  I  wuz  determined  that  ez  woman  hed  bin  the 
coz  uv  requirin  somebody  to  sweat  for  the  bread  I 
eat,  woman  shood  do  that  sweatin.  That  nite  I 
perposed  to  a  milliner  in  the  village,  and  she  re- 
jectid  my  soot.  I  offered  myself,  in  rapid  succeshun, 
to  a  widder,  who  wuz  a  washerwoman,  and  to  a 
woman  who  hed  boys  old  enuff  to  work,  with  the 
same  result,  when,  feelin  that  suthin  wuz  nessary 
to  be  done  to  sekoor  a  pervision  for  life,  I  married  a 
nigger  washerwoman  wich  didn't  feel  above  me. 
Wood  you  bleeve  it?  Within  an  hour  after  the 
ceremony  wuz  pronounst,  she  sold  her  persnel 
property,  consistin  uv  a  wash-tub  and  board,  and  a 
assortment  uv  soap,  and  investin  the  proceeds  in  a 


AN  AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL  SKETCH.        227 

red  calico  dress  and  a  pair  tiv  earrings,  insisted  on 
my  goin  to  work  to  support  her !  and  the  township 
authorities  not  only  maintained  her  in  her  loonacy, 
but  refused  to  extend  releef  to  me,  on  the  ground 
that  I  wuz  able-bodied. 

Ez  I  left  that  nigger,  I  vowed  to  devote  my  life  to 
the  work  of  gettin  uv  em  down  to  where  they  wood 
hev  to  support  us,  and  that  vow  I  hev  relijusly  ful 
filled.  I  hev  never  failed,  by  my  vote  and  inflooence, 
to  reduce  em  to  ther  normal  condishun  ;  I  hev  never 
felt  good,  ceptin  when  they  wuz  put  down  a  peg ; 
I  hev  never  wept,  save  when  they  wuz  bein  elevated. 
I  hev  bin  bathed  in  tears  the  heft  uv  the  time  for 
five  years  past. 

The  offices  I  hev  held  hev  not  been  many.  I  hed 
-signers  to  a  petishun  for  a  post-office  in  Jackson's 
time,  but  I  killed  my  chances  by  presentin  it  in  per 
son.  The  old  hero  looked  at  me,  and  remarked  that 
it  wuzn't  worth  while  throwin  away  post-offices  on 
sich  —  that  when  he  wanted  em,  he  cood  buy  em  at 
a  dollar  a  dozen.  Bookanan  wuz  agoin  to  appoint 
me,  but  somehow  my  antecedents  got  to  his  ears, 
and  he  wuz  afeerd  uv  his  respecktability ;  and  I 
never  succeeded  till  Johnson  returned  to  his  first 
love  and  embraced  us. 

I  hed  bin  drafted  into  the  Federal  army  at  the 


228  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

beginnin  uv  the  war,  and  bed  deserted  to  the  Con 
federacy.  Procoorin  a  certifikit  to  that  efteck,  I 
applied  for  a  pardon  and  a  place.  He  didn't  like 
to  giv  me  the  offis,  but  he  wanted  a  party,  and,  ez 
his  appintments  everywhere  show,  he  coodn't  be 
very  pertikeler.  I  succeeded !  I  bore  with  me  to 
Kentucky  a  commishun  ez  Post  Master,  and  I  am 
now  livin  in  the  full  enjoyment  uv  that  posishun, 
and  I  may  say,  I  am  happy. 

The  sosiety  is  conjenial.  Ther  is  four  groceries, 
onto  wich  I  kin  gaze  from  the  winder  uv  my  offis, 
and  jest  beyond,  enlivenin  what  wood  otherwise  be 
a  dull  landscape,  is  a  distillery,  from  wich  the  smoke 
uv  the  torment  ascendeth  forever.  I  hev  associates 
who  reverence  me,  and  friends  who  love  me.  There 
is  nuthin  monotonous  here.  I  hev  knowd  ez  many 
ez  eight  rites  per  day,  though  three  or  four  is  con 
sidered  enuff  to  break  the  tedium.  And  in  these 
deliteful  pursoots,  leavin  behind  me  the  ambishens 
uv  wat  mite  be  called  public  life,  with  my  daily 
bread  sekoored,  with  my  other  sustenance  ashoored, 
with  a  frend  alluz  to  share  my  bottle,  or,  to  speek 
writh  a  greater  degree  uv  akkooracy,  frends  alluz 
willin  to  share  ther  bottles  with  me,  I  am  glidin 
peacefly  down  the  stream  uv  time,  dodgin  the 


AN  AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL  SKETCH.        229 

troubles,  and  takin   ez   much   uv  the   good   uv  life 
ez  I  kin. 

The  twenty-five  cents  menshuned  in  the  beginin 
uv  my  letter,  you  may,  ez  I  remarked,  remit  either 
in  postal  order  or  currency. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 

P.  S.  —  Don't  remit  the  twenty-five  cents  men- 
shund  in  postage  stamps.  I  hev  enufF  to  last  me, 
ez  they  ain't  in  demand  here,  ontil  the  Dimocrasy 
strike  agin  for  their  rites.  Uv  course  all  I  hev  on 
hand  at  that  time  will  be  uv  no  akkount.  Send  it 
in  currency.  P.  V.  N. 


230  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


XXVII. 

The  Negro  being  found  not  Available,  Mr.  Nasby 
and  his  Followers  decide  to  go  back  on  him.  — 
A  Meeting,  the  Effect  of  which  was  spoiled  by 
Pollock,  the  Illinois  Storekeeper,  and  Joseph 
Bigler,  late  C.  S.  A. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
July  28,  1867. 

THE  speculashen  in  wool,  into  wich  the  Dimoc- 
risy  uv  the  South  embarkt  some  months  ago, 
hez,  I  regret  to  say,  resulted  disastrously.  The 
nigger  ain't  fitted  for  co-operashen  with  the  Dimoc- 
risy.  Instid  uv  hangin  onto  us  like  the  ivy  onto  the 
oak,  he  diskivered  that,  in  the  South  at  least,  he 
wuz  really  the  oak  and  we  the  ivy  ;  instid  uv  lookin 
up  to  us,  he  contracted  a  disagreeable  habit  uv 
lookin  down  onto  us.  There  wuz  other  reasons 
why  he  coodent  be  made  available  for  our  uses,  and, 
therefore,  it  wuz  decided  to  go  back  onto  the  Afrikin, 
and  to  agin  attempt  his  reduckshen  to  ez  near  his 


THE  NEGRO  QUESTION.  231 

normal  speer  ez  the  abnormal  condishn  uv  the  times 
wood  admit.  The  directors  uv  the  college  met  and 
changed  the  name  uv  the  Institooshn  back  to  the 
"  Southern  Military  &  Classikle  Institoot,"  and  the 
Corners  wuz  itself  agin. 

Deekin  Pogram  lookt  ez  tho  ten  years  hed  bin 
lifted  off  him.  "  How  pleasant  'tis,"  sed  he,  "  to 
walk  erect  agin  in  front  uv  a  nigger,  and  to  pass 
em  ez  tho  they  wuz  niggers !  O,  ef  I  cood  only 
wallop  one  wunst  more,  methinks  I  cood  die 
happy!" 

We  hed  a  meetin  last  nite  to  consider  this  nigger 
question,  wich  wood  hev  resultid  in  great  good,  and 
hed  a  powerful  inflooence  towards  strengthenin  the 
hands  uv  our  brethren  in  the  North,  who  are  fightin 
the  heresy  uv  nigger  suffrage,  hed  it  not  bin  for  that 
irritashen,  Pollock,  and  that  pest,  Joe  Bigler.  I 
hed  made  my  regler  speech  on  the  nigger,  and  with 
much  effect.  I  hed  quoted  from  sumboddy's  quo- 
tashen  from  Agassiz,  which  demonstrated  the  radi 
cle  difference  there  is  atween  the  Afrikin  and  the 
proud  Caucashen,  arguin  from  the  length  uv  his 
heel  and  arm,  the  thickness  uv  his  skull,  and  so 
forth,  that  the  nigger  wuz  totally  unfit  to  exercise 
the  rites  uv  free  men.  I  wuz  applauded  vocifer 
ously,  and  by  none  more  than  Pollock  and  Joe  Big- 


232  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

ler.  Ez  I  took  my  seat,  and  wuz  a  wipin  the  per- 
spirashen  from  my  classikle  brow,  feelin  that  I  hed 
settled  that  question,  Pollock  riz,  and  desired  to  say 
a  few  words,  and  make  a  suggestion.  Sed  he,  — 

"  I  hev  listened  with  interest  to  the  elokent  speek- 
er,  and  am  happy  to  say  I  hev  learned  fax  wich  is 
new  to  me.  Ef  I  hev  ever  doubted  the  inferiority 
uv  the  nigger,  them  doubts  are  removed,  pervidin 
alluz,  that  the  statements  uv  the  speeker  is  troo,  uv 
wich  I  hev  no  doubt,  ez  the  caracter  uv  the  speeker 
is  a  suffishent  guarantee  for  the  trooth  uv  wichever 
he  sez." 

I  bowed,  stately-like,  with  the  air  uv  one  to  whom 
sich  compliments  wuz  a  every-day  affair,  wich  they 
ain't,  by  no  means ;  on  the  contrary,  quite  the  re 
verse. 

"  But  I  want  it  demonstrated  to  the  satisfackshen 
uv  the  most  obtoose.  I  want  rite  here  a  measure 
ment  uv  the  average  Afrikin  and  the  average  white 
man,  that  all  the  world  may  know  the  diffrence.  I 
move  that  it  be  did." 

I  acceded.  "  Let  it  be  done,"  sed  I,  "  that  the 
vexed  question  may  be  settled  forever." 

Sevral  niggers  were  askt  to  submit  to  the  meas 
urement,  but  all  refused.  Finally  Joe  Bigler  sed 
he  saw  Napoleon  Johnson  —  a  nigger  wich  wunst 


THE  NEGRO  QUESTION.  233 

belonged  to  Deekin  Pogram  —  in  the  audience. 
"  Napoleon,"  sed  he,  "  will  yoo  contribbit  yoorself 
to  the  great  science  uv  ethnology  ?  Ain't  yoo  willin 
to  let  us  yoose  yoo  a  while  to  demonstrate  the  grate 
and  growin  trooth,  that  yoor  grandfather  wuz  a 
monkey?  Step  up,  Napoleon." 

Napoleon,  nothing  dasht,  stept  up,  and  Pollock, 
Bascom,  Bigler,  and  I  measured  him,  with  the  fol- 
lowin  result :  — 

Heighth 5  feet  8  inches. 

Weight 150  Ibs  averdupoise. 

Length  uv  foot 12  inches. 

Breadth  uv  foot 5  inches. 

Length  uv  hand 8£  inches. 

Breadth  uv  hand 4  inches. 

Length  uv  forearm n  inches. 

Length  uv  bone  from  ankle  to  knee  ...  6  inches. 

Projeckshun  uv  heel 4  inches. 

Capassity  uv  skull,  wich,  bein  the  top 

or  cap  uv  the  vertebral  column,  so  to 

speek,  is,  accordin  to  Hippocratees,  a 

trooly  scientific  Greek,  and  Hon.  Wm. 

Mungen,  uv  Ohio,   a  very  important 

bone  for  pretty  much  all  uv  the  races,  66  cubic  inches. 

"Now,"  sed  Pollock,  "let  us  examine  in  the 
same  way  a  avrage  specimen  uv  the  Caucashen  race, 
ez  he  is  found  in  this  delectable  spot.  Will  Issaker 
Gavitt  be  good  enuff  to  step  forrerd  ?  I  perpose 
to  demonstrate  the  sooperiority  uv  the  Caucashen 


234  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

with  a  two  foot  rool.     Figgers  won't  lie.     Step  up, 
Issaker." 

And  Issaker  stept  up,  and  wuz  measured,  with  the 
follerin  result :  — 

Heighth 5  feet  8  inches. 

Weight 150  Ibs. 

Length  uv  hand 7^  inches. 

Breadth  uv  hand 3^  inches. 

Length  uv  foot n  inches. 

Breadth  uv  foot 4^  inches. 

Projeckshen  uv  heel i£  inches. 

Length  uv  forearm 10  inches. 

Length  uv  bone  from  ankle  to  knee    ...     15  inches. 
Capassity  uv  skull 97  cubic  inches. 

Pollock  wuz  delited!  "Here,"  sed  he,  "  it  is  in 
a  nut-shell.  Issaker  hez  a  shorter  hand,  a  more  nar- 
rer  hand,  a  shorter  and  narrerer  foot,  and  his  heel 
projecks  less  than  the  nigger's  by  2^  inches !  Good 
Lord,  how  I  hev  bin  deseeved  !  Wat  errors  I  hev 
bin  nussin !  How  kin  a  human  bein  hev  intelleck 
whose  heel  projecks  four  inches  ?  How  rejoict  am 
I  that  I  am  at  last  set  rite  on  these  important 
pints  !  " 

I  smiled  beninantly  onto  him. 

Bigler  riz.  "  I,  too,"  sed  he,  "  am  satisfied  that 
the  nigger  is  not  wat  we,  who  wuz  disposed  to  con 
sider  him  fit  to  exercise  rites,  supposed  him  to  be. 


THE  NEGRO  QUESTION.  235 

I  held  firm  when  the  measurement  uv  his  hands 
and  arms  wuz  bein  made,  but  the  heel  staggered 
me.  It's  clear  that  no  one  kin  hev  intelleck  whose 
leg  isn't  set  in  his  foot  better  than  that.  I  shel  per- 
soo  this  investigashen.  Kevin  now  a  startin-pint, — 
a  heel,  ez  I  may  say,  to  stand  on,  —  I  shel  go  on  to 
prove  the  inferiority  uv  the  nigger.  With  that  heel 
for  a  fulcrum,  I  shel,  with  the  lever  uv  trooth,  pro 
ceed  to  upset  the  fabric  uv  nigger  ekality,  and  carry 
confooshen  into  Boston.  I  shel  assoom  that  Napo 
leon  is  a  average  specimen  uv  the  lowrer,  or  unintel- 
lectooal  Afriken  type.  Is  it  so  ?  " 

"  It  is  !  It  is  !  "  yelled  we  all,  delited  at  the  happy 
turn  the  thing  wuz  takin. 

"  I  shell  also  assoom  that  Issaker  Gavitt  is  a 
avrage  uv  the  higher  or  intellectooal  Caucashen 
type.  Is  it  so?" 

"  Certinly  !     Certinly  !  " 

"  Very  well.  Now  quake,  Massachoosets  !  Na 
poleon,  kin yoo  read?" 

I  saw  the  trap  into  wich  we  hed  fallen,  and  risin 
hastily,  protestid  that  the  examinashen  hed  bin  car 
ried  far  enuff,  and  so  did  Deekin  Pogram  ;  but  Big- 
ler  swore  he  wuz  a  goin  to  kiver  Massachoosets  with 
shame,  and  I  sot  down  paralyzed. 

"  Kin  yoo  read,  Napoleon?  " 


236  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

"  Yes,  sah  !  " 

"  Read  this,  then,"  sed  Bigler,  handin  him  a 
noosepaper. 

The  nigger  read  it  ez  peert  ez  a  Noo  England 
skool  marm,  wich  well  he  mite,  ez  he  learned  it 
from  one  uv  em. 

"  Kin  yoo  write?" 

"  Certinly ;  "  and  takin  a  pencil  he  writ  half  uv 
the  Declarashen  uv  Independence. 

"  Set  down,  Napoleon.  It's  a  devilish  pity  yoor 
heels  is  so  long ;  otherwise  yood  be  credited  with 
hevin  intellek.  Now  Issaker,  my  bold  Caucashen, 
kin  yoo  read?  " 

"  I  protest !  "  shreeked  I,  in  agony.  "  Issaker 
don't  answer  the  skoffer  at  ethnology !  " 

But  Issaker,  ez  white  ez  a  sheet,  and  tremblin 
under  the  eye  uv  Bigler,  who  knowd  him  from 
infancy,  stuttered  out,  "  No  !  " 

"  Kin  you  rite,  my  gay  desendant  uv  the  soope- 
rior  race?" 

And,  still  under  the  inflooence  uv  Bigler's  eye, 
he  answerd,  "  No  !  " 

"Kin  yoo  cipher?" 

"  What  in  thunder's  the  yoose  uv  cipherin,  when 
the  old  man  alluz  kep  a  nigger  to  do  his  figgerin?" 

"  Set    down,    Issaker.      We're    done   with   you. 


THE  NEGRO  QUESTION.  237 

There's  an  error  sumwher.  The  nigger's  capassity 
uv  skull  is  less  by  sevral  cubic  inches,  but  he  seems 
to  hev  made  a  lively  yoose  uv  wat  he  hez.  But  it's 
all  rite,  Parson.  Issaker  shel  vote,  and  the  nigger 
shan't.  Reedin  and  writin  never  wuz  a  qualifica- 
shen  for  votin  down  here,  any  way.  Possibly  the 
seat  uv  the  intellek  is  in  the  heel  insted  uv  the 
brain,  wich  accounts  for  the  nigger's  hevin  the  most 
uv  it." 

And  Pollock  and  Bigler,  and  the  niggers  present, 
left  the  meetin-house,  laffin  uproarously,  and  throwin 
all  sorts  uv  adoos  back  to  us. 

I  doubt  whether  the  result  uv  the  investigashen 
will  help  our  friends  North.  The  fact  is,  it  wuz 
overdone.  It  wuz  carried  too  fur.  There  is  a  pint 
at  wich  facts  ought  to  stop  —  Dimekratic  facts  in 
partikeler.  In  this  instance,  the  investigashen  shood 
never  hev  bin  carried  beyond  the  heel,  lied  it  stopt 
there,  we  wood  hev  bed  em.  But  carryin  it  to  the 
radical  pint,  Bigler  and  Pollock  took  it,  the  founda- 
shen  we  built  wuz  upset,  and  we  are  all  at  sea  agin. 
Wood,  oh  !  wood  that  we  wuz  rid  uv  these  jeerin 
fanatics. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 


238  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


XXVIII. 

A.  Consultation  at  the  Corners,  followed  by  a 
Dream,  in  which  General  Grant  and  other 
Individuals  are  mixed,  with  no  Regard  what 
ever  for  Time,  Place,  or  Fitness. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
August  i,  1867. 

LAST  nite  there  wuz  a  convocashen  uv  the 
saints  connected  with  the  Institoot  (uv  wich 
Deekin  Pogram  is  the  cheefest  and  lovelist  among 
ten  thousand),  to  take  sweet  counsel  together  onto 
sevral  matters  connected  with  the  institooshen  uv 
learnin,  the  success  uv  wich  is  so  dear  to  all  uv  us. 
The  conversashen  happenin  to  turn  upon  the  con- 
ferrin  uv  honorary  degrees,  Deekin  Pogram  sed  that 
he  hed  a  suggestion  to  make.  He  hed  notist  that  all 
the  leadin  colleges  uv  the  country  hed  a  practis  uv 
conferrin  titles,  sich  as  "M.  D.,"  "A.  B.,"  "  LL.D.," 
and  sich,  onto  distinguished  men,  though  he  wuz 


A  CONSULTATION  AT  THE  CORNERS.         239 

free  to  say  that  he  didn't  know  wat  in  thunder  they 
meant,  or  wat  they  wuz  good  for ;  but  he  lied  notist 
in  a  noospaper  that  no  college  hed  yet  conferred  any 
sich  onto  Androo  Johnson.  Considerin  it  a  burnin 
shame,  he  wood  sejest  that  as  a  rebook  to  the  hide 
bound  institooshens  uv  the  North,  this  college  do 
to-wunst  confer  all  uv  em,  and  ez  meny  more  ez 
there  is,  onto  Mr.  Johnson.  Bascom  remarkt  that 
he  didn't  kno  whether  the  President  wood  feel  com- 
plimentid.  "  You  kno,  Deekin,"  sed  he,  "  that  this 
ain't  much  uv  a  college." 

"  Troo,"  sed  the  blessid  old  peece  uv  innosence, 
"  troo,  troo  ;  but  then,  to  balance  that,  Johnson  ain't 
much  of  a  President,  you  kno." 

And  so  the  honorary  degrees  wuz  conferred,  and 
notis  thereof  wuz  sent  him  immejitly.  From  this 
the  question  uv  the  next  nominee  uv  the  party  for 
President  came  up.  Bascom,  who  isn't  a  far-seein 
man,  asserted  that  it  wood  be  necessary  to  nominate 
Grant.  The  Deekin  remarkt  that  he  thought  it 
wood  be  safe,  but  McPelter  thought  different.  He 
didn't  bleeve,  in  the  first  place,  that  it  become  a 
Peace  party,  or  at  least  a  party  wich,  ef  it  dipped 
its  hands  in  gore  at  all,  did  it  mostly  in  Northern 
gore,  to  take  up  a  Northern  General,  wich  had  dun 
his  best  towards  sendin  many  thousands  of  South- 


240  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

ners  to  their  long  homes ;  and  besides,  the  General 
wouldn't  take  it. 

Bascom  wanted  to  know  what  the  conference  at 
Long  Branch  meant?  Ef  General  Grant  wuz  in 
the  control  uv  Weed,  Raymond,  and  the  Noo  York 
Herald,  wich  wuz  ekal  to  the  World,  the  Flesh,  and 
the  Devil,  he  felt  that  he  hed  trooly  found  the  broad, 
macadamized  road  to  Democrisy.  He  begun  to  hev 
hopes  uv  him.  Various  opinions  wuz  expressed  by 
various  persons,  when,  without  comin  to  any  con 
clusion,  we  separatid.  I  retired  that  nite  earlier 
than  usual,  and,  dwellin  on  the  chances  uv  my 
continuin  in  offis  in  case  uv  Grant's  accession,  I  fell 
into  a  troubled  sleep  and  dreamed  a  dream. 

Methawt  gathered  in  front  uv  the  White  House 
wuz  a  galliant  array  uv  our  friends.  There  wuz 
Franklin  Peerce,  and  Bookanan,  and  Vallandigum, 
and  the  Woods,  and  Magoffin,  and  Monroe,  and 
Brite,  and  Breckinridge,  and  the  leaders  uv  the 
Dimocrisy,  all  a  standin  ther  lookin  wishfully  at 
the  White  House,  and  wonderin  how  and  by  what 
means  they  cood  git  in.  Johnson,  blessins  on  his 
head,  stood  onto  the  portico  wavin  to  'em  to  come, 
but  alass !  guardin  the  passage  stood  a  mighty  host 
uv  Ablishnists,  armed  and  clad  in  armor,  and  in 
such  force  ez  to  make  the  stormin  uv  it  hopelis. 


A  CONSULTATION  AT  THE  CORNERS.         241 

"  How  shall  we  get  in?"  sighed  Belmont. 

"Ah,  indeed,  how?"  anserecl  Henry  Clay  Dean. 

"  That's  the  great  moral  question  —  how?"  ekoed 
Ben.  Wood. 

"  My  friend,"  sed  Thurlow  Weed,  "  its  easy  enufF. 
When  you  can't  sore  like  the  eagle,  crawl  like  the 
snake.  Sorein  is  preferable,  but  crawlin  will  do  at 
a  pinch.  Is  there  not  the  Lion  uv  the  Republic? 
Can't  you  git  him  out  and  mount  him  ?  The  Ab- 
lishnists  hev  a  regard  for  that  same  Lion,  and  will 
never  discharge  ther  arrers  at  you  when  yoor  on  his 
back,  for  fear  uv  killin  him.  Besides,  yoor  ridin 
him  will  in  some  degree  doo  away  with  the  pre- 
joodis  they  hev  agin  yoo." 

"  But  how  kin  we  mount  him?"  said  they. 

"  Trust  to  us  for  that,"  said  Weed,  and  him  and 
Raymond  trotted  off  together. 

They  got  the  Lion  out,  but  ez  soon  ez  he  cast  his 
eyes  onto  the  crowd,  he  uttered  a  roar  which  struck 
terror  into  their  soles,  and  lashed  the  ground  with 
his  tail,  and  cast  up  dust  wTith  his  claws,  in  a  manner 
fearful  to  behold. 

"  He'll  never  stand  it !  "  said  Weed,  "  onless  he's 

blindfolded,"  and  Thurlow  wrapped  Raymond  like 

a  wet  dish-rag  over  his  eyes ;   and  that  done,  him 

and  Randall  pared  his  nails  and  blunted  his  teeth 

16 


242  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

(so  that  ef  the  bandage  should  wriggle  off  and  he 
shood  see  wher  he  wuz  he  coodent  hurt  anybody), 
and  shaved  his  mane,  till  he  looked  like  a  very  in 
nocent  Lion  indeed,  so  that  his  appearance  woodent 
startle  them  not  used  to  his  fiercenis,  and  in  that 
condishen  they  led  him  very  quietly  down  to  the 
crowd  and  give  the  word  to  mount. 

Lord  !  what  a  scramble  ther  wuz.  Tha  piled  on 
from  the  tip  uv  his  ears  to  the  end  uv  his  tale ;  and 
them  wich  coodent  git  on  for  lack  of  room,  hung  to 
the  feet  uv  them  wich  had  got  on,  until  it  wuz 
nuthin  less  than  -a  pirrymid  of  Democrats. 

Finally,  when  all  wuz  loaded,  the  word  wuz 
given,  and  the  lion  moved  off.  They  wuz  delited. 
He  hed  strength  enuff  to  carry  em,  and  he  wuz  a 
a  carryin  em  strate  to  the  White  House,  and  at  a 
good  pase,  too. 

Ez  they  approached  the  portals,  the  Ablishin  de 
fenders  uv  the  place  opened  onto  em. 

"  Hold ! "  said  Weed,  "  wood  you  destroy  the 
Lion  of  the  Republic  ?  " 

"  Stay  yoor  hands  !  "  shreeked  Raymond.  "  The 
savior  uv  the  country  is  under  us." 

But  they  lafft  them  to  scorn. 

44  It's  Brite  and  Vallandighum,  the  Woods,  et  set- 
try,  we're  firin  at,"  shreekt  they,  singin,  as  they 


A  CONSULTATION  AT  THE  CORNERS.         243 

fought,  "The  Battle  Cry  uv  Freedom,"  "John 
Brown's  body  lies  a  mouldin  in  the  grave ! "  and 
sich  other  sacriligious  odes.  "  It's  them  we  see, 
and  them  we'll  kill." 

And  they  belted  away,  till  the  whole  mass  wuz 
stretched  dead  and  dyin  on  the  plain. 

Then  they  came  up  and  began  to  turn  over  the 
corpses,  one  by  one,  until  at  last  they  came  to  the 
body  uv  the  Lion,  which,  peerced  thro  and  thro, 
wuz  ez  dead  ez  any  uv  em. 

"My  God!"  sed  they,  "it  is  the  Lion  after 
all!" 

"  And  we've  slayed  him  ! "   sed  another. 

"  Well !  "  remarkt  a  third,  "  we  couldent  help  it. 
He  was  so  kivered  up  with  this  carrion  that  I  cood- 
ent  make  out  what  it  wuz  they  wuz  a  ridin.  Let  us 
give  him  a  decent  burial  for  the  good  he  hez  done, 
and  forget,  if  we  kin,  the  company  he  died  in." 

And  at  this  kritikle  juncture  I  awoke. 

I  hev  an  idea  I  can  see  a  sort  uv  a  warnin  in  this 
dreem.  It  occurs  to  me,  — 

i st.  That  if  we  do  ride  Grant,  we'll  hev  to  divest 
him  uv  his  mane,  teeth,  and  claws,  wich  is  the 
identical  qualities  wich  makes  him  valuable  to  us. 

2d.  That  with  us  on  his  back,  we  will  probably 
succeed  in  killing  him  without  savin  us.  Grant 


244  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

might  deodorize  a  dozen  or  two  uv  us,  but  the 
whole  party !  Faugh !  It  wood  be  a  pint  of  co 
logne  to  a  square  mile  uv  carrion. 

3d.  That  ef  we  wuz  wrapt  all  around  him,  the 
people  woodent  be  able  to  see  him  anyhow,  and 
wat  good  wood  he  do  us? 

Interpretin  the  dream  thus,  I  shel  oppose  the 
nomination.  Besides,  I  doubt  whether  all  the 
Weeds  and  Raymonds  in  the  country  kin  so  ma 
nipulate  him  ez  to  bring  him  quietly  into  our 
ranks.  We  mite  possibly  go  over  to  him,  and 
thus  git  the  privilege  of  votin  for  him,  but  where 
fore?  How  about  the  offisis  then?  Ef  the  Ablish- 
nists  vote  for  him,  and  we  vote  for  him,  the  obliga 
tion  is  ekal,  and  between  us  is  ther  any  doubt  wich 
he'd  chose?  I  don't  want  to  take  sich  chances. 
I'm  opposed  to  the  movement.  I  care  not  what 
others  may  do,  but  ez  for  me,  give  me  straightout 
Dimocrisy  or  nothing.  McClellan  was  a  vencher 
wich  satisfied  me  ez  to  the  propriety  uv  imdertakin 
to  set  a  roarin  lion  a  convoyin  a  flock  uv  peaceful 
lambs  into  green  pasters. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 


KENTUCKY  AND  TENNESSEE  ELECTIONS.     245 


XXIX. 

The  Kentucky  and  Tennessee  Elections.—  The 
Hopes  of  the  Democracy  of  the  former  State. 
—  Hoiu  they  expect  to  hold  it. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
August  1 6,  1867. 

IT  wuz  a  conjenyel  party.  Ther  wuz  me,  and 
Deekin  Pogram,  and  Bascom,  uv  course,  —  for 
it  wuz  at  Bascom's,  —  and  Capt.  McPelter,  and 
Issaker  Gavitt,  and  Joe  Bigler,  who  wuz,  naterally, 
mischeevusly  intoxicated.  We  hed  met  to  rejoise 
over  the  result  uv  the  Kentucky  eleckshun,  and  the 
removal  uv  Stanton  and  Sheridan,  and  we"  rejoist. 
We  hed  rejoist  for  several  hours,  when  the  Deekin, 
—  blessins  on  his  frosty  pow,  —  perposed  that  we 
take  one  more  drink,  to  wich  we  ackseeded  with 
alacrity.  Ez  Bascom  handed  back  the  Deekin  his 
change,  the  old  man  observed  among  it  a  most  vil 
lainous  counterfeit  ten-cent  postal  currency.  "  Bas 
com,"  sed  he,  in  an  injoored  tone,  "  really  I  can't 
take  that  —  it's  counterfeit."  "  Certin  'tis,  Deekin," 


246  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

sed  George  W.,  "  certin  ;  but  what's  the  odds?  Ez 
a  matter  uv  course,  Deekin,  I'll  git  it  agin  afore 
to-morrer.  It's  evenchooally  my  loss,  ain't  it,  ez 
I  git  all  the  money  that  floats  here  ?  Carry  it  till  it 
comes  around  to  me,  Deekin,  in  the  nateral  course 
uv  evence.  Let  us  bear  each  other's  burdens,  Dee- 
kin?  "  And  Bascom  smiled  sweetly  onto  him. 

I  don't  know  when  I  felt  so  happy.  Kentucky 
hed  spoken.  We  hed  elected  Helm  by  a  majority 
of  forty  odd  thousand,  and  hed  with  him  elected 
a  strate  State  ticket,  incloodin  all  the  Congressmen. 
The  Ablishnists  hed  no  show  watever.  The  candi 
dates  were  strate  Demokrats,  every  one  uv  em. 
Sum  uv  em  hed  bin  accoosed  uv  leanin  towards  the 
Fedrel  side,  but  they  hed,  by  affidavits,  proved  their- 
selves  troo  to  the  Democrisy.  One  candidate  hed 
bin  charged,  by  a  envious  cuss,  uv  hevin  furnisht 
the  Fe'deral  forces  with  hosses,  but  he  indignantly 
repelled  the  charge.  His  enemies  brought  forrerd 
the  documents,  showin  that  he  hed  furnisht  the 
Fedral  forces  with  hosses,  and  I  trembled  for  him. 
But  he  smilingly  cum  to  the  scratch.  He  hed  con 
tracted  to  furnish  em  with  hosses  —  he  hed  taken 
their  accursed  greenbacks,  —  but  wherefore  ?  Wuz 
it  to  benefit  em?  Wuz  it  to  add  to  the  resources 
of  the  gorrila  Linkin,  or  the  reverse  ?  Let  the  facts 


KENTUCKY  AND  TENNESSEE  ELECTIONS.     247 

answer.  When  wuz  the  hosses  delivered?  Ha  ! 
ha  !  Did  the  Fedral  offiser  git  em?  He  did.  Did 
he  keep  em  ?  Alars  !  That  nite  John  Morgan,  who 
seeled  his  devoshen  to  the  Confederacy  with  his 
blood,  scooped  em,  and  them  hosses,  which  the  Fed- 
rals  paid  for,  did  servis  in  the  Confedrit  army.  He 
wood  ask  his  maligners  whether  it  was  sinful  for  a 
troo  Confedrit  to  take  money  uv  the  Fedrals  for  fur- 
nishin  supplies  to  the  Confederacy?  Hed  these 
hosses  remained  in  the  hands  uv  the  farmers  uv 
Kentucky,  John  Morgan  wood  hev  felt  a  delicacy 
in  takin  em  ;  ez  the  farmers  hed  hed  valyoo  receeved 
he  wuz  free,  and  he  took  em.  Sich  reasonin  cood 
not  fail  to  convince,  and  the  candidate  wuz,  uv 
course,  electid.  The  shafts  uv  his  enemies  fell  pint- 
less. 

Therefore  I  felt  happy.  The  waves  uv  Ablish- 
nism  rolled  over  all  the  other  States,  but  aginst 
Kentucky  they  struck  harmless.  Kentucky  is  a  brite 
oasis  in  the  desert.  Built  onto  Ham  and  Hager, 
bleevin  in  the  sooperiority  uv  the  white  race,  and 
that  same  race  holdin  in  their  hands  the  privilege 
uv  sayin  who  shood  and  who  shood  not  vote,  they 
wuz  safe.  And  we  sot  in  silence,  contemplatin  our 
happiness. 


248  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

At  last  Deekin  Pogram  spoke.  He  sighed  ez  he 
spoke.  He  lied  heard  uv  Tennessee.  He  hed  seen 
the  'lection  returns,  and  he  wuz  ez  much  afflicted 
ez  we  wuz  rejoist.  "  Wherefore,"  sed  he,  "  shood 
we  feel  good,  while  our  brethren  in  Tennessee  are 
wailin  over  therwroes?  The  nigger  with  us  is  in  his 
normal  speer.  Sence  this  eleckshen  they  bow  their 
heads  in  silence,  and  dodge  by  ez  ef  they  were 
afraid  uv  us,  wich  is  a  good  sign.  They  hev  lost 
the  airs  they  assoomed  afore,  and  are  more  like  slaves 
and  less  like  men.  I  hev  twelve  uv  em  a  sweatin 
on  my  farm,  and  four  expatiatin  the  cuss  uv  Noer 
in  my  kitchen.  The  men  yield  to  the  power  uv  the 
stronger  race,  and  the  females  bow  meekly  to  ther 
destiny.  Tom,  my  oldest  son,  is  happy,  and  stays 
at  home,  and  my  other  sons  is  ez  contentid  ez  they 
kin  be.  But  it  is  not  so  in  Tennessee.  There  they 
are  not  normal.  There  white  men  bow  beneath  a 
power  they  can't  resist.  There  the  nigger  holds 
up  his  hed,  and  the  Confedrit  white  man  sneaks. 
There  the  abnormel  nigger  hez  a  vote,  and  the 
white  man,  who  follered  his  State,  is  disfranchised. 
My  God !  how  kin  a  man  be  happy  under  sich  cir 
cumstances?  How  kin  a  Dimokrat  rejoice  when 
jist  across  the  line  he  sees  Liberty  weepin,  prostrate, 


KENTUCKY  AND  TENNESSEE  ELECTIONS.    249 

and  the  white  man,  who  struck  for  his  rites,  pinin 
becoz  uv  his  deprivashen  uv  the  rite  uv  suffrage?" 

He  cood  feel  good  over  Kentucky,  but  he  wept 
over  Tennessee. 

Bascom  remarkt  that  he,  too,  felt  for  Tennessee, 
but  he  wuz  consoled.  Kentucky  hed  proved  troo, 
and  Johnson,  one  worthy  son  uv  Tennessee,  hed 
removed  Stanton  !  Wat  more  cood  we  want?  Ken 
tucky  hed  gone  Dimocratic,  and  Johnson  hed  re 
moved  Stanton  — 

"  And  Tennessee  hed  elected  Brownlow,  and 
Johnson  hez  appinted  Grant,"  whispered  Joe 
Bigler. 

"  And,"  spoke  up  McPelter,  "  and  Sheridan  is 
removed." 

"  Troo  !  Troo  !  "  retorted  Bigler,  "  and  put 
Thomas  in  his  place.  The  man  who  whaled  us 
in  the  Shenandoah  Valley  is  deposed  to  make 
room  for  the  man  wat  whaled  us  in  Tennessee." 

This  bit  us.  This  griped  us.  This  is  wuss  nor 
a  cathartic  to  us.  Ef  Kentucky  is  oil,  Tennessee  is 
aquafortis.  Ef  Stanton  is  soothin,  Grant  is  pizen. 
Wherin  are  we  better  with  the  one  than  with  the 
other?  is  a  question  wich  we  askt  ourselves  over 
and  over  agin. 

But  we  felt  good  after  all.     Tennessee  is  to  the 


250  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

Democracy  a  dark  cloud,  but  Kentucky  is  the  silver 
lining  to  it.  Ef  no  Confedrits  wuz  allowed  to  vote 
in  Tennessee,  thank  the  Lord  no  other  kind  wuz 
permitted  to  hist  in  ballots  in  Kentucky.  The  troo, 
sterlin  Democracy  uv  Tennessee  may  suffer,  and  it 
is  probable  that  they  will  suffer.  There  the  Ethi 
opian  votes  by  State  law,  but  Kentucky  is  herself 
alone.  Kentucky  will  never  be  so  afflicted.  Ken 
tucky  hez  yet  the  makin  uv  her  own  laws.  She 
will  let  them  vote  ez  she  sees  fit,  and  none  others. 
Relyin  on  Ham  and  Hager,  she  will  deny  the  nig 
gers  that  rite,  and  will  keep  the  power  in  her  own 
hands.  Congris  dassent  interfere.  Thad  Stevens 
may  howl,  but  he's  lost  his  holt.  Congris  dassent 
make  a  law  prescribin  the  rite  uv  suffrage,  and  sayin 
who  shel  and  who  shel  not  vote,  for  Congris  is  Con 
servative.  Thad  Stevens  may  shreek,  but  Congris 
ain't  eddicatid  up  to  the  pint  uv  keepin  within  hailin 
distance  uv  ther  own  principles.  Congris  lied  ruther 
see  them  wich  adhered  to  the  forchunes  uv  the  Fed- 
erel  Goverment  sunk  than  to  exercise  its  power,  for 
so  far  the  matter  hez  bin  left  to  the  States.  Like 
wise  wood  it  ruther  see  every  nigger  in  Kentucky, 
no  matter  tho  they  wuz  all  survivors  uv  Fort  Filler, 
redoost  agin  to  ther  normal  condishen  ruther  than 
give  em  the  means  uv  pertectin  themselves.  The 


KENTUCKY  AND  TENNESSEE  ELECTIONS.    251 

nigger  may  be  a  man  in  Tennessee,  but  he  shel  be 
a  nigger  in  Kentucky  forever,  becoz  it  alluz  hez 
bin  so.  Bless  the  Lord  !  That  idea  uv  holdin  to 
form  and  clinging  to  precedent  is  our  salvashen.  I 
begged  em  all  to  dismiss  ther  fears.  Ohio  is  hag- 
glin  and  bogglin  ez  to  whether  it  will  give  her  nig 
gers  the  ballot ;  and  ef  she  refooses,  how  kin  she 
interfere  with  Kentucky?  Congris  dassent  mix  in 
the  matter,  for  half  the  men  that's  sent  to  Washlnton 
hev  a  greater  fear  uv  shadders  than  they  hev  uv  sub 
stance,  and  they  sleep  with  that  old  hag  Precedent, 
when  they  mite  ez  well  repose  in  the  arms  uv  the 
virgin  Progress.  They've  got  holt  uv  the  tail  uv  an 
idea  that's  too  big  for  em,  —  they  can't  manage  it 
from  that  end,  and  they're  afraid  to  ketch  it  at  the 
other. 

We  shell  do  well  for  a  long  time.  We  can't 
afford  to  shed  tears  over  Tennessee  —  let  us  thank 
the  Lord  that  Kentucky  is  safe.  Here  we  kin  flog 
our  niggers,  —  here  we  shel  hev  the  Institooshen  in 
spent,  ef  not  in  name,  —  here  Dimocrasy  kin  flour 
ish,  ef  nowhere  else.  Let  us  be  thankful  that  it  is 
ez  it  is.  Let  us  praise  the  Lord  for  a  Congris  that 
acted  ez  a  drag  on  the  sperit  uv  the  times,  and  hedn't 
pluck  enuff  to  do  all  that  the  people  wantid.  Let 
us  praise  the  Lord  for  the  conservatism  wich  wood- 


252  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

ent  let  em  make  votin  a  nashnel  matter,  instid  of 
leavin  it  to  us  who  know  so  well  who  to  give  it  to, 
and  who  not.  So  long  ez  we're  left  to  ourselves, 
so  long  will  Kentucky  be  troo  to  Dimocrisy. 

They  felt  encouraged,  and  the  convocation  broke 
up  feelin  good. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 


A  VISIT  TO  NEW  ORLEANS.  253 


xxx. 


Mr.  Nasby  goes  to  New  Orleans  to  acquaint  the 
President's  Friends  with  the  Contemplated 
Change. 


00»  \ 
r.      J 


POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
August  20,  1867. 

IWUZ  a  settin  all  so  pleasant  in  the  Post  Offis 
last  nite,  a  musin  onto  the  mutability  uv  human 
affairs,  when  I  received   the  follerin  despatch,  per 
boy  on  a  mule,  from  the  stashen  :  — 

"  WASHINGTON,  August  19,  1867. 
"  To  P.  V.  NASBY,  &c.  : 

"  Hev  determined  to  be  President  or  nothin.  Shel 
remove  Stanton,  and  immejitly  thereafter  Sheridan, 
and  ultimately  the  ballence  uv  em.  Go  on  to  Noo 
Orleens,  and  make  this  knowrn  to  our  frends.  Draw 
on  the  general  fund  for  expenses.  A.  J." 

Wat  a  thrill  run  thro  me  ez  I  red  this !  I  never 
felt  so  good  but  wunst  before  in  my  life.  I  wuz  in 


254  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

an  inteerior  town  in  Massachusetts  four  days,  wher 
the  most  stimulatin  bevrage  wuz  root  beer.  The 
occasion  when  I  felt  better  than  I  did  on  the  receet 
uv  that  despatch  wuz  the  identikle  minit  I  struck 
Noo  York  and  stood  afore  a  bar.  O,  wat  a  pleasin, 
soothin,  magnetic  thrill  run  thro  my  veins  ez  the 
golden  likquid  gurgled  down  my  esoffagus !  Jest 
so  I  thrilled  at  reedin  that  despatch.  My  thot-con- 
tracted  brow  smoothed  agin,  the  wrinkles  of  care 
left  my  face,  and  I  wuz  a  boy  wunst  more ! 

I  left  immejitly,  and  after  a  pleasant  journey 
reached  Noo  Orleens. 

I  hed  no  trouble  in  finding  them  to  whom  I  wuz 
accredited.  If  there's  a  divinity  wich  doth  hedge 
a  king,  ther  must  be  suthin  also  in  the  face  uv  a  troo 
Dimekrat  wich  betrays  him.  I  wuz  follered  to  my 
hotel  by  a  crowd  uv  the  first  men  uv  the  city,  and 
when  they  saw  my  name  onto  the  register,  the 
scene  wuz  terrific.  They  knowd  me !  they  knowd 
my  comin  wuzn't  for  nothin,  and  afore  I  hed  time 
to  say  nay,  I  wuz  hurried  to  the  "  Lost  Coz  "  Club 
Rooms,  and  made  an  onorary  member  for  life,  in- 
cloodin  the  freedom  uv  the  bar,  wich  privilege  I 
prized. 

"Wat  nooze  from  Washinton ? "  shouted  they  all 
with  one  akkord. 


A  VISIT  TO  NEW  ORLEANS.  255 

"  Calm  yourselves  !  "  sed  I,  impressively,  "  and 
restrane  yoor  emosbens.  Four  days  ago  I  receeved 
this,"  and  I  read  'em  the  dispatch.  Never  shel  I 
witnis  anuther  sich  a  sceen.  Old  men  danced  like 
yooth,  while  young  men  wept  like  wimmen. 

"  Excoose  us,  sir,"  sed  one ;  "  this  weepin  is  on- 
manly,  but  ah,  did  yoo  know  wat  I  hev  suffered  ! 
Sence  last  Joon,  a  year,  I  hevn't  killed  a  nigger  nor 
a  preecher,  and  hev  only  knocked  two  uv  'em  down, 
and  for  them  two  I  wuz  imprisoned  three  months 
each.  But,  thank  God,  I'm  free  agin  —  I'm  free  !  " 
and  he  fell  onto  my  neck,  and  askt  me  to  take  a  drink 
with  him,  which,  fearin  the  effex  uv  irritashen  on 
him,  in  his  present  eggsitable  state  uv  mind,  I  did. 

I  wuz  askt  ef  I  bed  ever  bin  in  Noo  Orleens,  and, 
on  sayin  that  •!  hedn't,  my  friend  accompanied  me 
to  the  many  objeks  uv  interest  in  the  city. 

"  Here,"  sed  he,  "  is  the  buildins  in  wich  Beast 
Butler  receeved  the  surrender  uv  the  city,  and  where 
he  signed  the  order  for  the  hangin  uv  Mumford. 
Subsekently,  in  this  same  room,  the  tother  beast, 
Sheridan,  took  his  orders  from  Mayor  Monro  and 
Abell.  Ha  !  ha  !  'twuz  retribushen,"  and  he  smiled 
grimly  several  minits.  "  Here  is  the  hall  where 
Dostie  and  his  Ablishn  hordes  gathered  over  a  year 
ago,  and  from  wich  Dostie  wuz  carried  a  corpse. 


256  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

At  that  angle  in  the  bildin  I,  with  this  good  rite 
hand,  slew  three  niggers  and  a  Burow  preecher. 
Right  here,  where  we  are  standin,  a  cart  containin 
the  killed  came  along.  I  wuz  eggsited  and  infu 
riated  at  their  obstinacy  in  holdin  the  Convenshen. 
In  my  revolver  there  wuz  one  load  —  in  the  cart 
under  the  corpses  wuz  a  nigger,  groanin.  I  mounted 
the  cart,  and  turned  over  the  corpses  —  the  wounded 
nigger  had  on  a  bloo  cote  —  inflamed  with  rage  at 
the  site  I  pulled  the  trigger,  and  he  groaned  no 
more." 

"  Glorious  sperit !  "  sed  I,  in  eggstacy,  wringin 
his  hand. 

"Just  in  front  uv  wher  we  stand  thirty  odd  nig 
gers  wuz  killed,  and  one  or  two  uv  them  Burow 
teachers.  It  don't  become  me  to  Say  how  many  I 
killed,  but  I  wan't  idle.  In  three  weeks  thereafter  I 
received  my  pardon  from  the  President,  and  am 
now,  thank  God,  a  citizen." 

By  this  time  we  reached  the  Club  again,  and  for 
hours  I  listened  to  tales  of  oppression  on  the  part 
of  the  military  satraps,  wich  made  my  blood  run 
cold.  A  citizen  lied  shot  a  nigger — and  forthwith 
he  wuz  torn  from  the  buzzum  uv  his  family  and  in- 
karserated  in  the  common  prizen  !  Another's  wife 
hed  throwd  a  buckit  uv  bilin  water  over  a  wench  in 


A  VISIT  TO  NEW  ORLEANS.  257 

the  street,  uv  wich  the  perverse  creacher  died,  and 
she,   too,   wuz    arrested.      Policemen   hed   bin    dis 
charged   for  refoosin  to    arrest   men  whose   spirits 
coodent  brook  nigger  ekality,  and  who  hed  banged 
em  about  somewhat;   and  others  had  bin  dismisst 
for  hurrahin  for  Jeff  Davis  and  pullin  down  Fedral 
flags.     Ther  hed  bin  no  liberty  uv  speech  nor  ack- 
shen.    This  Club  Room  hed  bin  invaded,  and  pistols 
and  shot  guns  hed  bin  taken  out  by  these  despots, 
wich  wuz  a  grindin  the  citizens  into  the  dust.     But 
the  most  oppressive  case  wuz   that  uv  one  uv  our 
first  citizens,  who  hed  a  girl  in  his  family  who  wood 
persist  in  attendin  skools  after  he  hed  postively  for 
bid  her  doin  so.     He  tied  her  up,  and  in  the  most 
patriarchal  manner  gave  her  one  hundred  and  four 
teen  lashes.     She  wuz  obstinit  and  died.     He  gave 
her  a   Chrischen  berriel,  but  nevertheless  he  wuz 
pulled  up,  and  fined  and  imprizened !     Fined  and 
imprizend  for  wallopin  a  nigger ! 

Then  biznis  commenced.  Lists  were  bein  made 
out,  the  purport  uv  wich  I  comprehendid.  "  Enter 
up,"  sed  one,  oilin  a  revolver,  "  the  nest  uv  niggers 
on  the  alley  jist  around  the  corner  from  my  house. 
They  hev  ther  a  chapel,  in  wich  they  hev  preechin 
Sundays,  and  skools  doorin  the  week.  Aside  from 
the  annoyance  it  is  to  my  family,  it's  really  dangerous. 


258  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

Two  hundred  nigger  children  attend  it,  beside  the 
adult  nigger  classes." 

"  Enter  up,"  sed  another,  cleanin  out  a  shot-gun, 
"  a  grocer  on  the  same  street.  He  is  from  Iowa, 
and  teaches  a  Sunday  skool  class  in  that  same 
chapel.  Sich  incendiaries  we  kin  never  tolerate."  — 
"  There's  a  nigger  church  two  squares  from  me  wich 
must  be  abated,"  sed  another ;  "  and,  by  the  way, 
a  agent  uv  the  nigger  missionary  sosiety  and  two 
teachers  from  Connecticut  boards  next  door.  Put 
em  down."  —  "  In  my  part  uv  the  city,"  sed  another, 
"  there's  four  nigger  draymen  who  hev  bin  suffishent- 
ly  impudent  to  scrape  together  enuff  to  buy  ground 
and  build  em  houses.  Don't  forget  to  put  em  down 
—  don't.  They  are  niggers  and  hev  houses.  I,"  he 
added,  bitterly,  "  I  am  a  white  man,  and  hev 
none.  Put  em  down.  When  Sheridan  goes! 
ha!  ha!" 

And  so  on.  The  sekretary  entered  the  names  ez 
fast  ez  they  wuz  furnisht  him,  until  the  name  uv 
every  man  suspectid  uv  Yankee  perclivities  wuz 
registered.  The  niggers  wuz  not  put  down,  'ceptin 
them  uv  sich  prominence  ez  they  desired  to  make 
shoor  uv.  It  is  considered  entirely  safe  to  kill  a  nig 
ger  anywhere.  Sum  uv  em  desired  to  make  excep- 
shuns  in  favor  uv  certin  niggers  who  cood  be  de- 


A  VISIT  TO  NEW  ORLEANS.  259 

pendid  upon  ez  troo.  One  uv  em  kep  a  keno, 
and  t'other  a  faro  bank.  But  they  wuz  rooled  out. 
The  niggers,  it  wuz  desided,  wuzn't  to  be  trustid. 
Their  impudence,  in  persumin  to  keep  faro  banks, 
was  friteful. 

The  next  day,  brite  and  early,  I  wuz  at  the  Club, 
when  I  receeved  another  despatch.  The  members 
flockt  around  me.  "Is  it  done?"  shreekt  they. 
"Is  Stanton  out?" 

"  He  is,"  sed  I,  slowly,  "  he  is,  but  —  " 
"  But  what?     Oh,  releeve  our  suspense  !  " 
"  But  Grant  is  in  !  "  returned  I,  droppin  the  mes 
sage,  and  sinkin  on  a  sofa  in  a  brown  study.     But 
they  wuz  delited. 

"  It's  better  than  we  hoped,"  sed  they.  "  Grant 
hez  come  over  at  last.  Bless  the  Lord  !  His  name 
will  give  the  administration  strength."  They  cheerd 
like  loonatics. 

Finally,  one  mornin  I  got  a  despatch  that  Sheri 
dan  wood  be  releeved  that  day,  and  the  enthoosiasm 
biled  up  agin  —  this  time  I  shared  in  it,  for  I  felt 
that  that  wuz  trooly  suthin.  It  wuz  impossible  to 
restrane  the  gentle  lambs  uv  the  Club  any  longer. 
Ez  a  sort  of  a  lunch,  preceding  the  feast  that  wuz 
to  come,  they  sallied  out  and  made  it  lively  for  sich 
niggers  ez  they  cood  git  safely  near  to.  At  noon 


260  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

the  next  dispatch  came  to  me.  The  entire  member 
ship  uv  the  Club  wuz  gathered  around,  impashent 
to  hear  me  sound  the  glad  tidins  over  Egypt's  dark 
sea.  I  broke  the  seal. 

"  Sheridan  is  removed  this  day  !  —  " 
"  Ror  !  Ror  !  Ror  !  "  cheered  the  Club. 
"  And  Thomas  is  appinted  in  his  place  !  " 
So  read  the  despatch.     There  wuz  nary  a  cheer 
follered  it.      The  most  death-like  silence  pervaded 
the  rooms.     One  by  one  the  members  skulked  out 
to  settle  with  the  niggers  whose  heds  they  hed  bustid 
in  the  mornin,  and  to  ashoor  em  it  wuz  all  a  joke. 
The  lists  wuz  destroyed,  and  the  revolvers  and  shot 
guns  wuz  all  packed  away.     At  a  meetin  held  im- 
mejitly,  the  follerin  resolooshens  wuz  passed  :  — 

"  Resolved,  That  it  is  possible  for  men  whose 
faith  is  bigger  nor  a  grain  uv  mustard  seed,  to 
hev  confidence  in  President  Johnson,  but  ourn  is 
gin  out. 

"  Resolved,  That  we  asked  him  for  bread,  and  he 
give  us  a  stone ;  we  asked  him  for  an  egg,  and  he 
give  us  a  scorpion. 

"  Resolved,  That  a  committee  uv  two  be  appoint 
ed  to  toss  up  for  the  difference  between  Sheridan 
and  Thomas,  and  another  to  figger  up  wherein  we 


A  VISIT  TO  NEW  ORLEANS.  261 

are  better  off  under  Grant  than  we  wuz  under 
Stanton. 

"Resolved^  That  the  President,  in  awakenin 
hopes  only  to  dash  em  to  the  ground,  is  guilty 
uv  a  crooel  disregard  uv  our  feelins. 

"Resolved^  That  if  he  is  ever  goin  to  do  any 
thing  for  us,  why  don't  he  do  it?  and  — " 

At  this  pint  another  despatch  came.  I  was  too 
much  affected  to  read  it,  and  I  passt  it  to  the  Presi 
dent.  "Hell!"  sed  he.  "Gentle  sirs,  hunt  yer 
holes.  Thomas  is  sick  and  won't  come,  and  Sher 
idan  is  goin  to  stay  after  all." 

Concludin  that  my  offishel  duties  prevented  me 
from  makin  a  longer  stay  in  Noo  Orleans,  I  has 
tened  North  agin  with  all  speed.  Jest  ez  I  wuz 
leavin  the  city  I  got  another  despatch,  statin  that 
Hancock  wuz  appinted  to  Sheridan's  place.  I 
didn't  consider  the  nooze  suffishently  cheerin  to  ' 
indoose  me  to  go  back  agin.  I  feel  that  men  uv 
my  opinions  is  safer  in  Kentucky  than  any  where 
else.  Kentucky  didn't  secede,  and  therefore  within 
her  borders  secesshenists  are  safe.  Thank  the  Lord 
for  Kentucky. 

They  don't  do  Johnson  justice  down  there,  tho. 
He  wood  help  em  if  he  cood,  but  he  can't.     Con- 


262  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

gris  tied  his  hands.  He  kin  appint  this  man  or 
that  man,  but  both  this  man  and  that  man  are 
bound  to  execoot  the  law.  Wat  kin  the  Presi 
dent  do? 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 


THE  AMNESTY  PROCLAMATION.  26^ 


XXXI. 


The  Amnesty  Proclamation.— A  Cabinet  Consul 
tation  over  it.  —  The  Safety  of  the  President 
from  Impeachment. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS      ^ 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  I 

September  10,  1867.      ) 

IWUZ  brot  to  Washinton  by  a  despatch.  His 
Eggslency  bed  at  last  determined  to  put  his 
foot  down  —  to  assert  his  power,  and  to  take  meas 
ures  sich  ez  wood  bring  to  the  top,  where  they 
properly  belong,  that  large  class  uv  the  citizens  uv 
the  Republic  who  wuz  engaged  in  the  little  onpleas- 
antnis,  wich  the  Ablishnists  took  advantage  uv  to 
deprive  em  uv  tjieir  rites,  and  to  keep  em  from 
exercisin  the  inflooence  in  the  government  they  are, 
and  alluz  wuz,  entitled  to.  In  short,  ez  Congress 
wuz  adjourned,  and  coodent,  by  no  means,  be  got 
together  till  November,  the  President  wuz  convinced 
that  it  wuz  his  dooty  to  improve  his  time,  and  be 
reelly  President. 


264  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

The  consultation  over  the  Proclamation  wuz  long 
and  painful.  Binckley,  who  is  now  runnin  the  gov 
ernment  mostly,  hed  written  the  whereases,  wich  is 
the  most  uv  the  document.  Seward  hed  taild  onto 
em  the  Proclamation  proper,  wich  wuz  so  small  ez 
to  give  it  a  tad-pole  appearance,  and  it  wuz  to  be 
discussed.  All  uv  em  wuz  in  favor  uv  it  but  me. 
Ez  anxious  ez  I  wuz  for  the  liberashen  uv  our 
friends  in  the  Southern  States  ;  ez  anxious  ez  I  wuz 
to  give  that  blessid  saint,  Deekin  Pogram,  a  chance 
to  wallop  a  nigger  agin  afore  he  died,  without  bein 
interfered  with  by  a  bloo-coated  hirelin,  I  still  hed 
a  dread.  "  Dare  yoo,"  sed  I,  "  go  further  in  this 
biznis?  isn't  impeachment  at  the  end  uv  it,  ef  yoo 
stir  up  this  matter?  And  with  Wade  in  the  Presi- 
denshel  chair  —  my  God !  Pollock  wood  hev  MY 
post  offis  !  My  liege,  I  hed  a  dream  last  nite.  Me- 
thawt  —  " 

"  Go  on  with  the  dream,"  sed  his  Eggslency. 
"  Go  on,  and  I  will  be  yoor  Joseph  to  interpret  it." 

"  Kin  yoo  assoom  the  caracter  uv  Joseph  and 
carry  it  out,"  sed  Randall,  "  with  Mrs.  Cobb  in 
Washinton?" 

This  interupshen  preventid  me  from  narratin  my 
dreem,  so  I  resoomed  at  the  pint  at  wich  I  wuz 
interruptid.  "  And  my  opinion  is  the  opinion  uv 


THE  AMNESTY  PROCLAMATION.  265 

all  yoor  appintees.  The  offis-holder  is  naterally  a 
Conservative.  Agitashun,  my  liege,  mite  shake  us 
out  uv  our  places.  On  yoo  we  hang,  —  yoo  are  our 
hope,  our  anker,  and  our  cheefest  trust." 

And  my  remarks,  wich  I  delivered  with  a  trem- 
blin  voice,  and  with  teers  a  rollin  down  my  fur 
rowed  cheeks  —  I  felt  the  solemnity  uv  the  occasion, 
for  wat  cood  I  do  ef  turned  out  into  the  cold  world 
at  my  age  ?  —  wuz  receeved  with  peals  uv  lafture. 

"  My  deer  sir  !  "  sed  A.  J. ;  "  yoor  innosence  sur 
prises  me.  Impeach  me !  Never,  so  long  ez  filial 
and  family  love  is  a  distinguishin  carakteristic  uv 
the  leedin  minds  uv  America,  —  never,  so  long  ez 
a  senator  hez  a  nephew  to  provide  for,  or  a  brother 
who  wants  a  place.  Ah !  that  love  uv  blood  rela- 
shuns !  Wat  a  beautiful  thing  it  is !  And  how 
strong  is  the  marriage  relation  wich  prompts  a  man, 
when  he  hez  promised  to  love,  cherish,  and  protect 
a  wife,  to  go  cherishin  and  protectin  all  her  brothers' 
and  her  sisters*  children  —  the  love  goin  frekently, 
like  leprosy,  to  the  third  generashun !  Thank  the 
Lord  for  it.  It's  my  only  holt !  Set  yoor  mind  at 
eeze  by  peroozin  these,"  and  he  tost  me  a  bundle 
uv  letters,  neatly  done  up,  and  labelled  "  Letters 
from  Radicle  Members  uv  the  House  and  Senit." 

A  lite  dawned  onto  me  ez  I  opened  the  first  one. 


266  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

It  wuz  from  a  distinguished  Senator,  and  read,  ez 
near  ez  I  kin  remember  now,  thus :  — 

"  SENIT  CHAMBER,  March  6,  1867. 

"  To  THE  PRESIDENT  :  Notwithstandin  the  slite 
difference  uv  opinion  that  may  egzist  between  us  on 
certin  minor  questions  uv  public  policy,  and  despite 
the  unguarded  expressions  I  may  hev  indulged  in  in 
the  heet  uv  debate,  I  kin  trooly  say  that  I  hev  ever 
cherished  the  most  endoorin  faith  in  the  rectitood 
uv  yoor  intenshuns,  the  honesty  uv  yoor  purpose, 
and  the  purity  uv  yoor  motives.  I  hev  a  nephew 
in  my  State  who  desires  the  posishen  uv  Assessor 
uv  Internal  Revenoo.  He  is  capable  and  honest ; 
and  while  he  hez  alluz  voted  the  Republican  ticket, 
he  hez  dun  it  so  mildly  ez  not  to  be  objeckshenable  to 
those  who  differ  with  him.  Indeed,  last  fall  he  wuz 
accoosed,  and  perhaps  justly,  uv  votin  for  a  candi 
date  for  Congress  who  wuz  a  supporter  uv  yoor 
policy,  wich,  tho  I  do  not  in  all  respecks  accept, 
hez,  I  must  acknowledge,  many  pints  in  it  to  rec 
ommend  it  to  a  discriminatin  people.  I  shood 
esteem  his  nominashen  a  persnal  favor. 

"  With  sentimence  uv  the  most  profound  respect 
and  esteem,  I  remain  admirinly,  yours, 


THE  AMNESTY  PROCLAMATION.  267 

"  P.  S.  It  is,  I  trust,  onnecessary  for  me  to 
state  that  I  regard  all  projecks  of  impeechment  ez 
wild,  visionary,  onnecessary,  and  dangerous  ;  and  no 
sich  projeck  kin  ever  reseeve  my  support.  I  forgot 
to  menshen  that  a  brother  uv  mine,  who  hez  never 
taken  a  part  in  politics,  and  hez,  therfore,  his  opin- 
yuns  to  organize,  wood  gladly  accept  any  posishen 
under  the  Government,  and  a  brother-in-law  wood- 
ent  be  averse  to  simlar  employment.  It's  a  matter 
uv  no  consekence  to  yoo,  uv  coorse,  but  I  shel 
oppose  the  reassemblin  uv  Congress  till  the  regler 
time  in  December.  I  am  inflexibly  opposed  to 
establishin  dangerous  precedents.  Shood  yoo  make 
the  appintments  I  desire,  I  kin  git  em  confirmed 
by  the  Senit,  ez  well  ez  an  ekal  number  uv  yoor 
own  appintments.  In  matters  uv  this  kind  ther 
must  be  compromises." 

In  my  surprise  I  uttered  a  prolonged  whistle. 
"  Them  appintments  wuz  made,"  sed  His  Eggs- 
lency,  with  a  sardonicle  smile.  "  Them  appint 
ments  wuz  made.  Read  another  —  there's  a  varied 
and  well-selected  assortment  uv  em.  The  Senit  is 
my  fish-pond.  I  drop  my  hook  therein,  baited  with 
a  Assessorship,  and  bless  me,  how  they  bite  at  it ! 
Go  on." 


368  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

"  SENIT  CHAMBER,  March  7,  1867. 
"  To  THE  PRESIDENT  :  I  am,  ez  yoo  are  aware, 
known  ez  a  Radical ;  but  between  generous  foes 
there  kin  be  none  of  that  terrible  spirit  uv  blind 
hate  which  characterizes  some  uv  my  associates, 
who  shel  be  here  nameless.  I  will  say,  however, 
that  if  the  Senators  from  Massachoosets,  and  some 
others  I  cood  menshun,  wood  resine  or  die,  they 
wood  confer  a  favor  upon  the  country.  I  oppose 
you  becoz  I  differ  with  yoo,  ez  does  my  State  ;  but 
that  opposishen  hez  never  lessened  my  high  admira- 
shen  uv  your  patriotism,  yoor  even  temper,  or  the 
many  good  qualities  uv  your  head  and  heart,  wich 
shine  out  so  conspickuous.  I  hale  you  ez  a  worthy 
successor  uv  the  first  A.  J.  I  hed  not  intended  to 
mix  things  persnel  to  myself  in  this  friendly  triboot, 
but  will  do  violence  to  my  feelins  by  observin  that 

the   posishtm    uv   Collector    at  is   admirably 

adapted  to  a  cousin  uv  mine,  whose  talence  ez  a 
lawyer  hez  never  bin  appreciated  by  those  who 
know  him  best.  He  agrees  with  me  that  impeach 
ment  is  not  to  be  thot  uv,  and  that  sessions  uv  Con 
gress,  other  than  reglar  ones,  is  uselis.  Shood  yoo 
be  pleased  to  make  the  appintment,  I  shel  be  proud 
to  return  the  favor  in  any  way  possible.  Ef  it 
wo.odent  be  askin  too  much,  a  son  uv  mine  wood 


THE  AMNESTY  PROCLAMATION.  269 

be  glad  to  serve  his  country  ez  a  Inspector  uv 
Revenoo.  Inheritin  from  me  devoshun  to  our  com 
mon  country,  he  burns  to  devote  himself  to  her 
service. 

"  With  sentiments  uv  profound  respect, 
"  I  am,  yours,  as  ever, 


"  Them  appintments  vvuz  made  also,"  sed  the 
great  man,  "  and  three  or  four  more  throwd  in 
when  he  found  how  cheep  he  cood  get  em.  He 
visited  me  after  I  hed  given  him  all  he  asked  for, 
and  we  hed  a  frendly  interchange  uv  views.  He 
persisted  in  differin  with  me ;  but  ez  we  partid,  I 
askt  him  ef  ther  wuzn't  jist  one  more  appintment 
he  wanted?  Jist  one  more?  Throwin  himself  on 
my  neck,  he  exclaimed,  '  Not  one  !  Not  one  !  My 
brothers,  my  brothers-in-law,  my  nephews,  and  the 
doubtful  members  uv  the  Legislacher,  wich  finally 
concloodid  to  vote  for  me,  are  all  provided  for.' 
Bless  the  Lord  for  the  appintin  power !  The  biznis 
uv  tradin  birth-rites  for  messes  uv  pottage,  begun 
with  Esaw ;  but,  thank  Heven,  it  didn't  end  with 
him." 

It  wuz  unnecessary  for  me  to  read  more.  I  hed 
seen  enuff  to  satisfy  me  that  the  integrity  uv  one 


270  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

third  uv  the  Senit  wuz  rather  honey-combed,  and, 
like  a  rusty  muskit,  not  strong  enuff  at  the  breech 
to  bear  a  severe  trial  without  danger  uv  bustin.  I 
saw  precisely  wat  wuz  the  rock  on  wich  we  stood, 
and  what  a  citadel  it  wuz.  Kin  these  men,  with 
these  letters  in  the  hands  uv  our  respected  cheef, 
and  ther  relatives  all  a  drawin  rashens,  turn  and 
rend  the  hand  wich  feeds  em?  Good  I  do  it?  — 
and  ain't  they  even  ez  I  am  ? 

And  so  the  proclamashen  wuz  ishood,  and  I  went 
home  a  feelin  good.  We  shall  yet  wallop  niggers 
in  Kentucky, ;  we  shel  yet  redoose  em  to  ther  nor 
mal  speer;  our  afflicted  brethren  in  Tennessee 
wrill  yet  vote,  and  them  not  amnestied  will  be 
speshly  pardoned  ez  ther  superior  merits  deserve, 
and  with  all  ther  will  be  no  impeachment.  For 
where  the  carkis  is,  ther  will  be  the  buzzards  also, 
and  we  hev  the  control  uv  the  carkis.  Some  uv  the 
buzzards  are  so  gorged  with  carkis  that  their  eyes 
is  shut — enuff  uv  em  to  inshoor  our  posishen  till 
the  end  uv  our  term.  It  is  well  with  us. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NAfBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  ij  Postmaster). 


THE  SUFFRAGE  QUESTION.  271 


XXXII. 

Mr.  Nasby  details  his  Adventures  in  a  strong 
Democratic  County  in  Southern  Ohio.  —  The 
Suffrage  Question  in  that  Part  of  the  Demo- 
era  tic  Heritage. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS      \ 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  I 

September  20,  1867.      J 

LAST  week  I  wuz  invited  to  go  into  Ohio  to  assist 
my  brethren  uv  that  State.  The  Massedonian 
cry  reached  me,  "  Come  and  help  us ! "  and  ez  the 
cry  wuz  coupled  with  the  asshoorance  that  I  shood 
be  pervided  for,  I  heeded  it.  Couple  Massedonian 
cries  with  whiskey,  and  I  can't  resist  em.  I  never 
try.  I  knowd  there  wuzn't  much  difference  atween 
the  Dimocrisy  uv  Ohio  and  Kentucky,  but  I  wuz 
onprepared  for  the  strikin  resemblance  I  found. 
Twins  is  not  more  similar.  My  ist  appintment 
wuz  in  a  purely  Dimekratic  County.  It  wuz  a 
settlement  after  my  own  heart,  and  the  minit  my 


272  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

practist  eye  restid  onto  it,  my  sole  leaped  for  joy. 
It  wuz  a  town  wich  lied  bin  some  day  the  seat  uv 
bizniss,  but  a  ralerode  runnin  some  nine  miles  to 
one  side  uv  it  lied  cut  off  its  trade,  and  the  inhab 
itants  hevin  nothin  to  do,  the  better  part  uv  em  went 
with  the  trade.  Nacher  abhors  a  vacuum,  and  there 
rushed  in  sich  as  found  it  diffikult  to  live  elsewhere. 
The  whole  population,  hevin  much  leisure,  fell  to 
pitchin  coppers,  wich,  to  make  the  game  excitin, 
they  pitched  for  drinks.  Pitchin  for  drinks  soon 
rendered  em  incapable  uv  more  violent  exercise ; 
and  in  a  year  from  the  time  the  trade  left  em,  it 
wus  the  strongest  and  most  intense  Democratic  town 
in  the  State.  Ez  they  must  eat  suthin,  and  ez  the 
groseries  coodent  run  perpetooally  without  money, 
they  lied  occasional  spasms  uv  labor.  Then  wood 
their  feelins  be  lasseratid.  Then  wood  they  look 
over  to  the  Kentucky  shore,  and  see  thousands  uv 
jest  sich  men  ez  theirselves  a  spendin  their  lives  in 
one  unendin  round  uv  copper-pitchin,  hoss-racin, 
and  poker-playin,  the  nigger  meanwhile  a  sweatin 
to  furnish  the  means,  and  they  wood  break  out  into 
murmurin  at  the  crooel  fate  wich  cast  their  lot 
where  every  man  wuz  forst  to  sweat  for  hisself, 
and  the  cuss  of  labor  coodent  be  filled  by  proxy. 


THE  SUFFRAGE  QUESTION.  273 

Their  proximity  to  Kentucky  tantalized  em.  They 
wood  hev  all  gone  there  cood  they  hev  raised  enufF 
to  buy  a  nigger  apeece,  but  they  coodent.  There 
wuz  a  most  deliteful  look  uv  serene  repose  about 
the  place  wich  charmed  me.  Nothin  stood  uprite. 
The  sign-post  uv  the  tavern  hed  bin  leaned  agin  so 
much  that  it  hed  contracted  the  same  habit ;  the 
bosses,  from  a  too  rigid  economy  in  the  matter  uv 
oats,  wuz  leanin  agin  the  side  uv  the  barns  ;  the 
shutters  on  the  groseries  hung  cornerin  across  the 
winders,  in  consekence  uv  the  lower  hinges  bein 
broke ;  the  clapboards  on  the  houses  all  hangin  by 
a  single  nail  at  one  end,  presented  any  but  a  reglar 
appearance ;  and  the  men  were  all  either  sittin  on 
store  boxes,  or  leanin  agin  watever  possessed  suf- 
fishent  strength  to  keep  em  up. 

I  wuz  enthoosiastically  reseeved.     The  town  wuz 
excited  on  two  questions,     i.  Taxation.     2.  Nigger 

Equality.  The  Cheerman  uv  the  deputashun  wuz 
the  most  cheerin  style  uv  Demokrat  I  hed  seen  for 
years.  His  independent  hair  hed  pushed  its  way 
thro  the  top  uv  his  hat  and  bristled  in  all  directions, 
biddin  defiance  to  the  world ;  his  toes  protroodin 
from  his  shoes,  and  his  trowsers  hangin  lop-sided 
by  one  suspender,  indicated  a  sovereign  contempt 
for  appearances.  He  begged  me,  with  tears  streemin 
18 


274  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

down  his  eyes,  to  rouse  the  people  agin  the  dangers 
wich  threatem  em.  "  Think,"  sed  he,  "  uv  the 
hundreds  uv  thousands  uv  millions,  wich  we,  the 
people,  are  forced  to  pay  in  taxes  to  the  General 
Government,  and  rouse  em  to  the  necessity  uv 
ackshen ! " 

"  I  will,"  sed  I,  "  I  will.  State  to  me  the  amount 
uv  taxes  paid  the  tyranikle  government  in  this 
Arcajen  spot,  that  I  may  hev  the  data  from  wich 
to  speek." 

"  Taxes  !  "  returned  this  patriot,  with  an  amazed 
look  onto  his  countenance,  "  taxes  I  We  don't  pay 
any  taxes  here.  The  Assessor  came  here  two  years 
ago,  and  findin  nothin  to  assess,  hezn't  considered  it 
worth  while  to  come  since.  But,  good  Lord,  our 
hearts  bleeds  for  these  unfortinit  victims  uv  Ablishn 
policy  wich  hev  suthin,  and  is  forced  to  pay  onto  it ! 
The  people  is  bein  ground  into  dust  by  taxashen." 
And  the  old  man  wept  bitter  tears  at  the  miseries 
uv  the  sitooashen  uv  the  people.  What  techin  be 
nevolence  ! 

On  the  question  uv  nigger  ekality,  I  found  em  at 
a  most  deliteful  heat.  They  hed  seen  the  terrors 
uv  it,  and  know'd  whereof  they  spoke.  Niggers 
hed  come  from  Kentucky  across  the  river  to  em,  and 
instid  uv  acceptin  their  normal  speer,  and  yieldin 


THE  SUFFRAGE  QUESTION.  275 

quietly  to  the  irresistible  decrees  uv  Heven,  wich 
made  em  the  inferiors  uv  the  white,  they  hed,  the 
moment  they  accumulatid  suthin  to  live  on,  as- 
soomed  the  airs  uv  ekality.  They  refoosed  to  keep 
their  places.  The  Cheerman  remarkt,  ez  showiii 
the  stubborn  cussedness  uv  the  race,  that  one  uv  em 
lived  some  months  next  to  him.  He  (the  Cheer 
man)  borrored  pork  on  sevral  occashens  uv  him, 
twict  a  bakin  uv  flour,  and,  on  one  occashen,  nine 
dollars  uv  the  misrable  rags  wich  we  are  forst,  by  a 
tyranikle  Government,  to  accept  ez  money.  That 
nigger  hed  the  soopreme  impudence  to  insist  on  bein 
pade  !  and  even  talked  uv  sooin  for  it.  But,  on  con- 
sultin  a  lawyer,  he  didn't,  owin  to  the  oncertainty 
ez  to  who  wood  hev  to  pay  the  costs.  Another  in 
stance.  "  A  nigger,  wich  wuz  neerly  white,  settled 
in  the  visinity.  He  hed  not  only  a  -daughter,  but  a 
farm.  My  son  sores.  Labor  he  despises,  as  a  occu- 
pashen  only  fit  for  serfs.  He  proposed  to  woo  this 
nigger's  daughter.  It  wuz  a  struggle  with  me. 
My  son  marry  in  a  female  wich  hed  the  accursed 
blood  uv  Ham  in  her  vanes  !  But  Jimuel,  my  son, 
sir,  threw  dirt  in  my  eyes.  About  sixty  akers  uv 
dirt.  I  thot  uv  the  pleasant  time  I  cood  hev  a  livin 
on  that  farm  —  uv  the  days  devoid  uv  labor,  and  the 
evenins  filled  with  ease,  and  after  a  severe  ethno- 


276  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

logikle  struggle  with  my  feelins,  I  consented.  I 
wantid  to  take  keer  uv  that  nigger.  Pityin  him  ez 
an  inferior  bein,  loaded,  in  his  abnormal  condishen, 
with  responsibilities  wich  he  cood  not  be  expected 
to  discharge,  I  would  hev  taken  charge  uv  his  af- 
fares.  I  wood  —  my  son  Jimuel  and  I  —  hev  man 
aged  his  farm,  and  his  stock,  and  sich.  Alas  !  Jimuel 
menshuned  the  matter  to  the  Ethiopian,  sir,  and  with 
wat  result?  He  was  ignominiously  kickt  out  uv  the 
house,  sir.  He  wuz  d — d,  sir,  for  a  drunken  broot, 
by  a  nigger,  wich  threatened,  if  he  ever  showed  his 
pimpled  —  pimpled  wuz  the  word  —  face  about  there 
agin,  he'd  break  every  bone  in  his  body.  Sir,  this 
is  becomin  unsupportable.  They  must  be  dragged 
down  to  our  level.  My  proud  Caucashen  blood  re 
volts.  There  must  be  a  inferior  race,  and  it's  us  or 
the  nigger.  The  Injen  is  out  uv  the  question,  ez 
there  ain't  any  of  them  here  to  be  inferior.  I 
wouldn't  mind  the  Injen,  but  there  ain't  none.  It's 
the  nigger  or  nothin.  Give  him  the  ballot,  sir,  and 
what'll  distinguish  us?  Speek  with  a  angel's  tongue 
onto  this  theme,  I  beg." 

The  meetin  wuz  a  glorious  one,  and  my  speech 
one  uv  my  most  movin  efforts.  My  perorashen 
moved  me  to  tears.  It  wuz  on  nigger  suffrage. 
Depictin  its  untold  horrors,  I  begged  em  to  organ- 


THE  SUFFRAGE  QUESTION.  277 

ize  —  to  rally  wunst  more  agin  this  common  enemy. 
"  There  is,"  sed  I,  "  seven  thousand  nigger  males  in 
the  State  uv  Ohio.  Shel  we  peril  the  liberties  uv 
the  State  by  permittin  them  to  approach  the  ark  uv 
our  safety  — the  ballot-box?  Shel  we  raise  em  to 
the  pint  uv  bein  our  ekals?  Shel  we  marry  em  and 
give  em  in  marriage?  Shel  we  contaminate  the 
pure  streem  uv  Anglo-Saxon  blood  by  muddlin  it 
with  the  turbid  streem  uv  —  " 

At  that  pint  I  stopt.  My  eyeballs  wuz  seared. 
Joe  Bigler,  wich  I  sposed  wuz  a  hundred  miles 
away  in  Kentucky,  wuz  up  in  the  aujence. 

"Agreein,"   sed    he,   "with   wat   the   speeker   is 
sayin,  I   beg  to  ask  a  question  for  enlitenment.     I 
am  a  Kentuckian." 
"  Ror  for  Kentucky  !  " 

Bowin,  Bigler  perceeded;  There  wuz  a  lurkin 
devil  in  his  eye  wich  afflicted  me. 

"  Ef  I  understand  the  speeker,  he  holds  that  the 
nigger,  ef  permitted  to  vote,  becomes  so  much  our 
soshel  ekal  that  we  must  take  him  to  our  buzzums 
—  that  we  must  marry  the  females,  and  our  gushen 
daughters  forthwith  tie  themselves  to  the  males  uv 
that  accussid  race.     Is  it  so  ?  " 
"  It  is  !  "  retorted  I. 
"  My  blood  biles  when  I  thinl!  uv  it.     Ef  I  recol- 


278  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

lect  arite,  the  laws  uv  Ohio  permits  all  niggers  to 
vote  who  are  only  half  black.  Ez  there  are  a  good 
many  mulattos  in  this  region,  the  produx  uv  the 
loose  ekality  uv  the  races  over  the  river,  there  must 
have  bin,  ever  sence  that  law  passed,  much  uv  that 
kind  uv  marryin  here.  May  I  be  permitted  to  ask 
this  oppressed  people,  who  hev  suffered  so  from  this 
unnatural  state  of  affairs,  how  they  like  it?  Is  yoor 
wife  a  nigger,  sir?"  sed  he,  addressin  the  Sekretary, 
u  and  ef  so,  don't  yoo  feel  the  humiliatin  posishen 
yoor  in,  compelled,  ez  you  wuz,  by  the  force  uv 
Dimokratic  circumstances,  to  marry  her,  to  take  her 
to  yoor  buzzum,  the  minit  her  father  got  a  vote? 
It's  enuff  to  drive  a  man  into  Ablishnism  to  es 
cape  it.  My  brethren,"  sed  this  Bigler,  "  I'd  advise 
yoo  all  to  abjoor  Dimocrisy.  Up  North,  the  minit 
the  nigger  gits  a  vote,  yoo  are  forced  to  legal  mis- 
segenashun ;  down  South,  the  affinity  Dimocrisy 
hez  for  niggers  hez  bleached  out  the  race  to  the 
color  uv  molasses.  There's  no  hope  for  yoo,  save 
in  Ablishnism,  wich  hez  the  happy  fakulty  uv  doin 
justis  to  em  without  marryin  em  ! "  And  he  stalkt 
out. 

It  didn't  make  no  difference.  They  didn't  know 
what  he  wuz  talkin  about.  The  word  "  missege- 
nashen"  struck  em  with  amazement,  from  wich  they 


THE  SUFFRAGE  QUESTION.  279 

didn't  recover  till  we  left.  In  speakin  to  such  au- 
jenccs,  men  must  be  keerful  uv  the  words  they 
yoose. 

I  finisht  my  speech.  The  meetin  then  resolved 
they  wuz  better  than  niggers  ;  that  they  never  wood 
consent  to  be  taxed  for  the  benefit  uv  purse-proud 
aristocrats ;  that  the  bonds  shood  be  taken  up  with 
greenbax ;  that  there  shood  be  a  return  to  specie 
payment  to-wunst ;  and  that  they  were  willin  to 
give  millions,  ef  need  be,  to  resist  usurpashen, 
but  not  one  cent  in  taxes  in  a  unconstitooshnel 
manner. 

This  resolooshn  wuz  passed,  when  a  colleckshn 
wuz  taken  up  to  pay  for  the  candles.     But,  alas  ! 
There  wuzn't  nary  a  cent  in  the  house,  and  I  hed 
to  pay  for  em  myself.     Another  little  insident  didn't 
please  me.     The  State  Central  Committee  hed  -fur- 
nisht  me,  ez  it  does  all  its  speakers,  with  a  twenty 
dollar  gold  piece  and  a  fifty  dollar  bond,  wich   I 
wuz  to  exhibit,  to  show  the  difference  atween  Ab- 
lishn  and  Democratic  money.     I  shoved  em  at  the 
people,  and  it  excited  em  to  madnis.     I  laid  em  on 
the    table    afore    me.     When    the    meetin  wuz    ad 
journed  they  wuz  gone!     Who  took  em?     I  know 
not,  but  this  I  do  know,  that  the  Cheerman  uv  the 
meetin  hed,  next  mornin,  a  new  pare  of  shoes  and 


28o  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

a  hat,  and  wuz  a  talkin  doubtfully  uv  the  propriety 
uv  taxin  bonds.  I  go  from  here  to  Pennsylvania,  to 
fill  some  appintments  in  that  State. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 


THE  ANTIETAM  DEDICATION.  281 


XXXIII. 


The  Ant  let  am  Dedication.  —  A  Consultation  over 
the  Speech  of  the  President,  and  the  Manner 
in  which  it  was  shorn  of  its  fair  Proportions. 


>s      -| 

<y),  \ 

7-      J 


POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
September  30,  1867. 

FROM  Ohio  to  Washington  !  Ther  is  nary 
peace  for  me !  The  sole  uv  my  foot  knowrs 
no  rest.  Wher  Democresy  is  in  danger,  ther  am  I. 
I  wuz  called  to  Washinton  to  consult  with  the 
friends  uv  the  President  in  regard  to  the  Anteetam 
Dedicashun.  The  part  his  Eggslency  wuz  to  take 
in  that  affair  —  wat  he  wuz  to  say  —  what  others 
wuz  to  say,  ez  well  ez  who  wuz  to  say  it,  wuz  a 
matter  wich  required  not  only  profound  thought, 
but  the  most  careful  considerashun.  Hence  I  wuz 
called. 

I   found  assembled   the  entire  Cabnet,  with  the 
addishen  uv  Binckley  ;  a  gentleman  recently  arrived 


282  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

from  a  foreign  mission,  named  McCracken  ;  Gov. 
Swann  uv  Maryland,  Ex-Gov.  Bradford  ;  the  poet 
of  the  day,  Gen.  McPounder,  late  uv  Lee's  staff, 
now  uv  the  Maryland  Melishy  ;  Kernel  Screw, 
ditto,  and  twelve  or  twenty  more  who  hed  held 
posishens  uv  trust  and  profit  under  the  Confedracy, 
and  who  wuz  now  holdin  correspondin  posishens 
under  the  Govner  uv  Maryland,  all  of  wich  wuz  a 
discussin  the  various  pints  involved  in  this  matter. 
The  President  hed  prepared  a  speech  wich  kivered 
thirty-eight  pages  uv  legle  cap  paper,  and  it  was 
segested  that  he  reed  it.  In  the  impressive  manner 
for  which  he  is  celebrated  he  began :  — 

"Fellow  Countrymen  —  " 

"  I  object  to  that  fraze,"  said  General  McPounder. 
"  It's  liable  to  misconstrucshun.  Sposin  that  upon 
that  stand  shood  be  them  wich,  doorin  the  fratrisidle 
struggle  wich  lost  me  my  niggers,  wuz  in  the  Fedral 
army?  I  object  to  bein  considerd  the  fellows  uv 
sich." 

The  objeckshun  wuz  finally  got  over  by  the  Pres 
ident's  agreein  to  turn,  ez  he  uttered  the  words,  to 
the  Maryland  delegashun  ;  wich  satisfied  em,  ez  the 
most  ultra  felt  it  wuz  enufT  ef  the  President  shood 
address  himself  excloosively  to  Maryland  Dimekrats 
ez  his  countrymen.  He  perceeded  :  — 


THE  ANTIETAM  DEDICATION.  283 

"  Gathered  together  onto  a  field  wich  the  valor 
uv  loyal  arms  made  forever  memorable  — " 

Gov.  Svvann  objected.  He  wuz  for  consiliation. 
How  cood  our  Southern  brethren  who  had  taken 
the  oath  be  consiliated,  ef  the  fact  that  they  wuz 
walloped  wuz  bein  continually  flung  at  em?  Be 
sides,  the  word  "loyal"  wuz  offensive  to  the  heft  uv 
the  Democracy.  Mr.  Seward  thought  ef  references 
wuz  made  to  the  late  onpleasantness  they  ought  to 
be  diluted.  I  sustained  the  objeckshun,  and  it  wuz 
stricken  out.  The  President  resoomed  :  — 

u  Feelin  this  day  an  uncommon  solemnity,  stand- 
in,  ez  we  do,  over  the  mortal  remanes  uv  the  thou 
sands  wich  died  in  the  sacred  cause  uv  Liberty,  and 
in  defence  uv  the  flag  uv  our  coun — " 

"  Hold  ! "  sed  the  impetuous  Maryland  General, 

* 

"  I  protest.  In  the  name  of  Maryland  I  protest. 
Shel  the  Conservatives  uv  that  glorious  State  be 
insulted  by  alloosions  to  liberty  uv  wich  they  are 
deprived,  and  to  the  flag  wich  is  the  symbol  uv  op 
pression,  and  under  wich  we  didn't  fight?" 

I  sustained  the  objeckshun,  and  that  wuz  struck 
out.  He  went  on  :  — 

"  When  I  cast  my  eye  over  this  field,  and  let  it  rest 
for  a  instant  on  this  spot  where  the  impetuous  foemen 
wuz  driven  southward  by  our  brave  troops  —  " 


284  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

Gov.  Swann  remarked  that  on  sich  an  occasion  it 
wood  be  perhaps  better  not  to  menshun  the  partike- 
ler  direckshun  in  wich  anybody  wuz  driven.  Let  it 
read,  I  wood  say,  thus :  "  On  this  spot  where  the 
impetuous  foeman  wuz  driven  by  our  brave  troops." 
Left  thus  it  woodent  be  espeshally  offensive  to  any 
body.  It  wood  read  ez  well  South  ez  North,  for  in 
that  encounter  both  sides  wuz,  at  times,  driven.  I  sus 
tained  the  amendment,  and  the  President  went  on  :  — 

"  In  fucher  years  the  pilgrim  to  the  shrine  uv 
Liberty  will  paws  a  moment  on  this  spot,  to  drop  a 
tear  over  the  graves  uv  them  who  here  checked  the 
advance  uv  the  hosts  uv  rebellion,  and  —  " 

Gov.  Swann  was  averse  to  this.  It  wuzn't  soothin 
to  the  party  wich  wuz  checked.  It  wood  be  better 
to  reed,  "  drop  a  teer  over  the  spot  onto  wich  fra 
ternal  blood  wuz  shed."  Seein  no  objection  to  the 
amendment,  I  hed  it  done.  He  went  on  :  — 

"  The  widder  in  her  Northern  home  may  weep, 
but  she  may  console  herself  that  her  husband  died 
for  his  country.  She  may  —  " 

Gov.  Swann  broke  in.  "  Sposn,"  sed  he,  "you 
should  say,  '  The  widder  in  her  Northern  or 
Southern  home,  ez  the  case  may  be,  may  weep,' 
&c.  Woodn't  it  be  better  ?  "  I  thot  so,  and  it  wuz 
altered  accordinly.  The  President  perceeded  :  — 


THE  ANTIETAM  DEDICATION.  285 

"  Here,  upon  this  spot,  the  armed  hosts  of  rebel 
lion  were  met  and  hurled  back  by  — " 

Gov.  Swann  sejested  that  that  be  omitted.  The 
•word  "  rebellion,"  when  applied  to  a  brave  people, 
who  wuz  strugglin  for  wat  they  deemed  their  rites 
wuz,  to  say  the  least,  too  harsh.  It  wuz  struck  out, 
and  the  President  went  on  :  — 

"Upon  this  spot,  amid  the  roar  uv  cannon,  the 
rattle  uv  musketry,  and  the  clash  uv  contendin  arms, 
thousands  uv  the  brave  sons  uv  patriotic  sires  gave 
up  their  lives." 

There  wuz  nothin  in  this  objectionable.  It  cood 
apply  to  either  side  or  to  both,  but  ez  everythin 
before  it  hed  been  stricken  out,  and  ez  there  wuz 
alloosions  follerin  it  that  wood  hev  to  be,  it  wuz  ad 
visable  to  bust  it,  and  accordinly  I  drew  my  pencil 
over  it. 

The  President  then  wanted  to  know  wat  in  thun 
der  he  shood  say.  Feelin  that  he  must  say  suthin, 
I  prepared  for  him  the  follerin  remarks :  — 

"  My  Fellow-Countrymen :  I  appear  afore  you, 
not  for  the  purpose  uv  makin  any  lengthy  remarks : 
I  simply  desire  to  express  my  approbashn  uv  the 
ceremonies  which  hev  taken  place.  My  appearance 
is  the  speech  wich  I  will  make.  I  cood  make  a 
speech  wich  wood  tech  yoor  feelins,  but  my  thots 


286  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

is  in  communion  with  the  dead  —  uv  both  sides  — 
whose  deeds  we  are  here  to  commemorate.  I  shel 
not  attempt  to  give  utterance  to  the  feelins  and  emo- 
shuns  inspired  by  the  ceremonies  uv  the  day.  Not 
any.  I  shel  attempt  no  sich  thing.  I  am  here  to 
give  countenance  to  the  perceedins  —  to  offishally 
beam  upon  em  —  but  I  must  be  permitted  to  hope 
that  we  may  foller  the  example  set  us  by  the  illus 
trious  dead  —  uv  both  sides  —  and  think  uv  the 
brave  men  —  uv  both  sides  —  who  fell  in  the  fierce 
struggle  uv  battle,  and  who  sleep  silent  in  their 
graves,  yes  —  who  sleep  in  silence  and  peace  after 
the  conflict  hez  ceased.  Would  to  God  that  we  uv 
the  livin  cood  emulate  their  example  ez  they  lay 
sleepin  in  the  tombs.  Wood  that  we  cood  live,  ez 
do  the  silent  dead,  in  peace  and  friendship.  Yes,  in 
peace  and  friendship  ez  do  the  silent  dead  —  uv  both 
sides.  You,  my  fellow-countrymen,  hev  my  earnest 
wishes,  ez  yoo  hev  hed  my  efforts  in  times  gone  by, 
in  the  most  tryin  perils,  to  restore  peace  and  har 
mony  to  our  distracted  and  divided  country,  and 
yoo  shel  hev  my  last  efforts  in  vindicatin  uv  the 
flag  uv  the  Republic,  and  the  Constitooshn  uv  our 
Fathers." 

I  endeavored  in  this  to  preserve,  ez  nearly  as  pos 
sible,  the  singularly  beautiful  and  loocid  style  uv  the 


THE  ANTIETAM  DEDICATION.  287 

President,  that  the  assembled  thousands  who  shood 
hear  it  mite  recognize  it  to-wunst  ez  hizzen.  The 
last  sentence  wuz  objected  to.  The  Marylanders 
didn't  know  whether  they  cood  sit  in  silence  and 
hear  sich  talk  about  the  "Flag  uv  the  Republic" 
and  the  "  Constitooshun  uv  our  Fathers."  But  they 
wuz  overruled.  It  wuz  held,  and  properly,  I  think, 
that  the  Constitooshun  uv  our  Fathers  shood  be 
understood  ez  meanin  that  instrooment  afore  the 
Ablishnists  had  knocked  out  uv  it  all  that  made  it 
lovely  in  the  eyes  of  Maryland  —  the  nigger  —  and 
the  Flag  ez  it  wuz  at  that  period.  They  wuz  finally 
satisfied  with  it,  and  Binckley  teched  up  the  speech 
in  some  miner  pints  for  delivery. 

I  didn't  stay  to  the  celebrashun,  for  I  hed  biznis 
elsewhere.  I  writ  the  President's  speech,  so  I  knew 
that  wuz  rite  ;  I  heard  Bradford's  orashen  read,  and 
wuz  pleased  with  it.  It  wuz  a  powerful  apology 
for  the  Northern  soldiers,  and  must  hev  had  a  good 
effeck  onto  the  Southern  mind.  Feelin  that  it  wuz 
all  rite,  I  left  agin  for  my  feeld  uv  labor.  Wat  the 
President  wood  do  without  me,  I  don't  know. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 


288  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


xxxiv. 


Mr.  Nasly  assists  in  the  Ohio  Election.  —  The 
Defeat  of  the  Amendment.  —  How  it  was  re 
ceived  at  the  Corners. 


POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky 
October 


<  ROADS      1 

Kentucky ),    > 
12,  1867.      J 


FEELIN  that  the  time  hed  arrived  which  wuz 
to  decide  whether  7,000  clegradid  niggers  wuz 
to  grind  500,000  proud  Cancashens  into  the  dust, 
I  felt  that  ef  I  shood  fail  in  my  dooty  now,  I  shood 
be  forever  disgraced.  Accordingly,  I  put  in  on  elck- 
shun  day  at  a  Dimocratic  town  in  Ohio  —  the  battle 
field  —  the  identikle  place  into  wich  I  made  a  speech 
doorin  the  campane. 

I  arrived  ther  on  the  mornin  uv  the  elekshun,  and 
found  that  comperhensive  arrangements  hed  bin 
made  for  defeatin  this  most  nefarus  and  dangerous 
proposishen.  Paradin  the  streets  ez  early  ez  7  A.  M. 
wuz  a  wagon  containin  25  virgins,  runnin  from  27 
to  31,  the  most  uv  em  ruther  wiry  in  texture,  and 


OHIO     FLECTION.      Page  288. 


THE  OHIO  ELECTION.  289 

over  their  heads  wuz  banners,  with  the  followin 
techin  inscriptions :  "  Fathers,  save  us  from  Nigger 
Ekality  !  "  "  White  Husbans  or  nun  !  "  It  wood 
hev  bin  better,  I  thot,  hed  they  bin  somewhat 
younger.  Ther  wuz  suthin  preposterous  in  the  ijea 
uv  females  uv  that  age  callin  upon  fathers  to  save 
em  from  anythin,  when  in  the  course  of  nacher  their 
fathers  must  hev  bin  a  lyin  in  the  silent  tomb  for 
several  consecutive  years,  onless,  indee'd,  they  marrid 
young.  Ef  still  livin  (I  judged  from  the  aged  ap 
pearance  uv  the  damsels),  their  parents  must  be  too 
far  advanced  in  yeers  to  take  an  activ  part  in  biznis. 
In  anuther  wagon  wuz  a  collekshun  uv  men  wich 
hed  bin  hired  from  the  railrode,  twelve  miles  dis 
tant,  whose  banners  read,  "  Shel  ignerent  Niggers 
vote  beside  intelligint  Wite  men?"  and  the  follerin 
verse :  — 

"  Shel  niggers  black  this  land  possess, 

And  rool  us  whites  up  here? 
O,  no,  my  friends  ;  we  ruther  guess 
We'll  never  stand  that  ere." 

It  okkurd  to  me  that  it  wood  hev  done  better  hed 
their  spellin  bin  more  akkerit ;  but  upon  inquiry  I 
found  that  it  didn't  make  no  clifYrence.  That  wuz 
the  pervailin  way  of  spellin  things  in  that  vicinity. 
Hangin  over  the  polls  wuz  a  broad  peece  uv  white 


290  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

muslin,  onto  wich  was  painted,  in  large  letters, 
"  Caucashuns,  Respeck  yer  Noses  —  the  nigger 
stinks  !  "  Then  I  knowed  it  wuz  safe.  That  odor 
hez  never  yet  bin  resisted  by  the  Democrasy,  and  it 
hez  its  inrlooence  over  Republikins. 

I  never  saw  sich  enthoosiasm,  or  more  cheerin  in- 
dicasuns  uv  the  pride  uv  race.  Ez  evidence  uv  the 
deep  feeling  that  pervaded  that  community,  I  state 
that  nine  paupers  in  the  poor-house  demanded  to  be 
taken  to  the  polls,  that  they  might  enter  their  protest 
agin  bringin  the  nigger  up  to  a  ekality  with  em, 
wich  wuz  nine  gain  with  no  offsets,  ez  ther  wuzn't 
an  Ablishnist  in  the  institooshun.  Two  men,  in  the 
county  jale  for  petty  larceny,  wuz,  at  their  own 
rekest,  taken  out  of  doorance  vile  by  the  Sheriff  uv 
the  county,  that  they  mite,  by  the  ballot,  protest  agin 
bein  degraded  by  bein  compelled,  when  their  time 
wuz  out,  to  acknowledge  the  nigger  ez  their  ekal. 
One  enthoosiastic  Dimekrat,  who  cost  us  $5,  hed  to 
be  carried  to  the  polls.  He  hed  commenced  early 
at  one  uv  the  groseries,  and  hed  succumbd  afore 
votin.  We  found  him  sleepin  peacefully  in  a  barn. 
We  lifted  the  patriotic  man,  and  in  percession 
marched  to  the  polls.  We  stood  him  on  his  feet, 
two  men  supportin  him  —  one  on  either  side.  I 
put  a  straight  ticket  into  his  fingers,  and  takin  his 


THE  OHIO  ELECTION.  291 

wrist  with  one  hand,  held  his  fingers  together  with 
tother,  and  guided  his  hand  to  the  box.  Ez  it 
neared  the  winder,  he  started  ez  ef  a  electric  shock 
hed  struck  him,  and,  straightenin  up,  asked,  "  Is  it 
the  sthrate  ticket?  Is  Constooshnel  Amindmint 
No  !  onto  it?  " 

Ashoorin  him  that  it  wuz  all  rite,  he  suffered  rne 
to  hold  his  hand  out  to  the  Judge  uv  Eleckshun, 
who  took  the  ballot  and  deposited  it  in  the  box. 
"  Thank  Hivin  !  "  sed  he,  "  the  nagur  is  not  yet 
my  ayquil !  "  and  doublin  up  at  the  thigh  and  knee- 
joints,  he  sank,  limber-like,  and  gently,  onto  the 
ground.  Ez  he  hed  discharged  the  dooty  uv  an 
Amerikin  freeman,  we  rolled  him  out  to  one  side 
uv  the  house,  wher  the  drippin  uv  the  rain  from  the 
roof  wood  do  suthin  toward  soberin  him  off,  and 
left  him  alone  in  his  glory. 

The  Amendment  got  but  a  very  few  votes  in  that 
locality.  The  Republikins  jined  us  in  repudiatin  it, 
mostly  upon  ethnologikle  grounds.  One  asserted 
that  he  hed  bin  in  favor  uv  emancipashen  in  time 
uv  war,  becoz-  the  Afrikin  cood  thereby  be  indoost 
to  fite  agin  their  Southern  masters,  and  it  wood  hev 
the  effeck  uv  makin  the  drafts  come  lighter  in  his 
township.  He  wuz  a  humanitarian  likewise.  He 
opposed  crooelty  toward  em.  He  wept  when  he 


292  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

heerd  uv  the  massacre  at  Fort  Filler,  becoz  in  the 
army  the  nigger  wuz  ez  much  a  man  ez  anybody, 
and  sich  wholesale  slaughters  tendid  to  make  calls 
for  "500,000  more"  more  frekent.  But  when  it 
come  to  givin  uv  em  the  privilege  uv  votin  beside 
him,  it  coodent  be  thot  uv.  He  cood  never  con 
sent  that  a  race  whose  heels  wuz  longer  than  hiz- 
zen  shood  rool  Ameriky.  "  My  God !  "  sed  this 
ardent  Republikin,  "  ef  you  give  em  the  ballot, 
wat  kin  prevent  em  from  bein  Congrismen,  Sena 
tors,  Vice-Presidents,  and  even  Presidents?  I  shud 
der  when  I  think  uv  it ;  "  and  he  hurried  in  his  vote. 

I  didn't  quite  see  the  force  uv  his  objecshen,  for 
it  never  okkurred  to  me  that  bein  sent  to  Congris 
wuz  the  nateral  consekence  uv  votin.  I  hev  voted 
for  thirty  years,  at  many  elections  four  or  five  times, 
but  I  hev  never  bin  to  Congris.  Wher  is  the  con- 
stitooency  wich  wood  elect  me?  But  it  wruzn't  my 
biznis  to  controvert  his  posishen.  It  made  no  dif- 
frence  to  me  wat  his  reason  wuz  for  votin  ez  I 
desired  him  to  vote. 

The  nigger-lovers  beat  up  one  man  to  vote  for  the 
Amendment,  wich,  I  saw  by  his  dissatisfied  look, 
hed  bin  over-perswadid*  "  Sir !  "  sed  I,  "  do  yoo 
consider  a  Afrikin  sufrishently  intelligent  to  be 
trustid  with  so  potent  a  weapon  cz  the  ballot?" 


THE  OHIO  ELECTION.  293 

Bustin  away  from  them  wich  bed  him  in  charge, 
he  exclaimed,  "  No,  I  don't !  I  can't  vote  for  it. 
They  ain't  intelligent  enuff.  Sir,  scratch  oft'  the 
*  Yes  '  from  my  ballot,  and  put  onto  it  '  No  ! ' ' 

"  Here  is  a  pensil,"  sed  I. 

"  Do  it  yerself,"  sed  he  ;  "  I  can't  write." 

And  I  did  it.  Sich  is  the  efTeck  uv  a  word  in 
season.  Words  fitly  spoken  is  apples  uv  gold,  set 
in  picters  uv  silver. 

One  man  woodent  listen  to  me,  but  votid  the 
Amendment.  He  bed  bin  a  soljer,  and  for  eleven 
months  pertook  uv  the  hospitality  uv  the  Confedrits 
at  Andersonville.  Escapin,  he  wuz  helped  to  the 
Fedrel  lines  by  a  nigger,  who  wuz  flogged  almost  to 
death,  in  his  site,  for  not  betrayin  wher  he  wuz  hid. 
I  mite  ez  well  hev  talked  to  a  lamp-post.  Ez  he 
shoved  in  his  ballot,  he  remarkt  suthin  about  he'd 
ruther  see  a  nigger  vote  than  a  d — d  rebel,  any  time. 
From  the  direckshun  uv  his  eye-site,  I  persoom  he 
referred  to  me. 

I  left  for  home  ez  soon  ez  the  votes  wuz  counted, 
and  the  result  wuz  made  known,  only  waitin  till  the 
poll-books  wuz  made  out,  and  the  judges  uv  eleck- 
shun  hed  got  ther  names  written  by  the  clerks,  and 
bed  made  their  marks  to  em.  On  my  way  home 

• 

I  wuz  gratified  to  see  how  the  nateral  antipathy  to 


294  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

the  nigger  bed  revived.  At  Cincinati,  the  nite  uv 
the  eleckshn,  they  wuz  bangin  uv  em  about,  the 
patriotic  Democrisy  goin  for  em  wherever  they  cood 
find  em,  and  the  next  day,  ez  I  saw  em  at  the 
ralerode  stashens,  they  bed,  generally  speekin,  ther 
beds  bandaged.  It  wuz  cheerin  to  me,  and  I 
gloated  over  it. 

Full  of  gladnis,  I  entered  Kentucky,  and  joyfully 
I  wendid  my  way  to  the  Corners.  I  wuz  the  bearer 
uv  tidins  uv  great  joy,  and  my  feet  wuz  pleasant 
onto  the  mountins.  Ez  I  walked  into  Bascom's, 
they  all  saw  in  my  face  suthin  uv  importance. 

"  Wat  is  it?"  sed  Deekin  Pogram.  "  Is  it  weal 
or  woe  ?  " 

"  Is  the  proud  Caucashen  still  in  the  ascendant  in 
Ohio,  or  hez  the  grovelin  Afrikin  ground  him  into 
the  dust?"  askt  Issaker  Gavitt. 

"  My  friend,"  sed  I,  takin  up  the  Deekin's  whis 
ky,  wich,  in  the  eggscitement  uv  the  moment,  he 
didn't  observe,  "  the  Constitooshnel  Amendment, 
givin  the  nigger  ekal  rites,  hez  bin  voted  down  by 
the  liberty-levin  freemen  uv  Ohio.  Three  cheers 
for  Ohio." 

They  wuz  given  with  a  will.  The  wildest  enthoo- 
siasm  wuz  awakened.  Bascom  put  a  spigot  in  a 
fresh  barl,  and  the  church  bells  wuz  set  a  ringin. 


THE  OHIO  ELECTION.  295 

The  niggers  wore  a  dismayed  look,  and  got  out  uv 
the  way  ez  soon  ez  possible.  A  meetin  wuz  to- 
wunst  organized.  Deekin  Pogram  spoke.  He  felt 
that  this  wuz  a  proud  day.  Light  wuz  breakin. 
The  dark  clouds  uv  fanaticism  wuz  breakin  away. 
We  hed  now  the  Afrikin  under  our  feet.  We  hev 
got  him  in  his  normal  posishen  in  Ohio,  and,  please 
God,  we  will  soon  hev  him  likewise  in  Kentucky. 
He  moved  the  adopshen  uv  the  follerin  resoloo- 
shens : — 

"  WAREAS,  Noer  cust  Canan,  and  condemned 
him  to  be  a  servant  unto  his  brethren,  thereby 
cleerly  indikatin  the  status  uv  the  race  for  all  time 
to  come  to  be  one  uv  inferiority ;  and, 

"  WAREAS,  To  further  show  to  the  eyes  uv  the 
most  obtoose  that  a  diffrence  wuz  intended,  the  Al 
mighty  gave  the  nigger  a  diffrent  anatomicle  struck- 
ter,  for  full  partikelars  uv  wich  see  the  speeches  uv 
the  Demokratic  stumpers  doorin  the  late  campaign ; 
and, 

"  WAREAS,  The  attempt  to  place  the  nigger  on 
an  ekality  with  the  white  in  votin  ez  well  ez  taxa- 
shun,  we  consider  the  sappin  uv  the  very  founda- 
shun  uv  civil  liberty,  ez  well  ez  uv  the  Crischen 
religion  ;  therefore, 


296  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

"  Resolved,  That  the  Constooshnel  and  Biblikle 
Democracy  uv  Kentucky  send  greetin  to  their  breth 
ren  uv  Ohio,  with  thanks  for  their  prompt  and  effec- 
tooal  squelchin  uv  the  idea  uv  nigger  superiority. 

"  Resolved,  That  to  the  Republikins  uv  Ohio, 
who,  risin  above  party  considerashuns,  voted  agin 
suffrage,  our  thanks  is  due,  and  we  congratulate  em 
that  now  they,  ez  well  ez  us,  are  saved  from  the 
danger  uv  marryin  niggers ;  and  likewise  do  we 
asshoor  em,  that  in  a  spirit  uv  mutual  forbearance, 
wTe  care  not  wat  particular  creed  they  perfess,  so 
long  ez  they  vote  our  principles. 

"  Resolved,  That  the  will  uv  the  people  havin 
bin  cleerly  indikated,  we  demand  the  insershun  uv 
the  word  '  white  '  in  the  Constitooshuri  uv  the  Yoo- 
nited  States. 

"  Resolved,  That  we  ask  the  colored  voters  uv 
Tennessee,  and  other  States  where  colored  men  hev 
votes,  to  observe  how  they  are  treated  in  Ohio, 
where  the  Ablishnists  don't  need  em.  In  them 
States  we  extend  to  em  a  corjel  invitashun  to  act 
with  us. 

"  Resolved,  That  a  copy  uv  these  resolooshens  be 
sent  to  President  Johnson,  with  an  ashoorance  uv 
our  unabated  confidence  in  his  integrity,  patriotism, 
and  modisty." 


THE  OHIO  ELECTION. 


297 


The  meetin  broke  up  with  three  cheers  for  the 
Dimocracy  uv  Ohio,  nine  for  the  Republikins  uv 
that  State,  and  one  for  the  State  at  large. 

The  Fakulty  uv  the  Institoot  met  next  mornin, 
for  the  purpus  uv  revisin  the  Scripters.  It  wuz 
desided  that  the  word  "  white  "  should  be  insertid 
wherever  necessary,  and  that  that  edishen  only  be 
yoosed  by  the  Dimocracy  and  Conservativ  Repub 
likins.  We  made  progress,  the  follerin  bein  a  few 
uv  the  changes  :  - — 

"  '  So  God  creatid  a  'white  man  in  his  own 
image/ 

"  '  Whosoever,  therefore,  shell  confess  me  before 
white  men,'  &c. 

"  '  Suffer  little  white  children  to  come  unto  me, 
for  uv  sich  is  the  kingdom  uv  Heaven.' " 

Wich  last  is  comfortin,  ez  it  shows  that  the  dis- 
tincshen  is  kept  up  through  all  eternity.  I  give 
these  merely  ez  samples.  We  shel  hev  it  finish t  in 
a  few  days,  and,  ef  funds  kin  be  raised,  shel  publish 
it.  Sich  a  vershun  uv  the  Skripters  is  needid. 

I  find  the  Demekratic  mind  is  exercised  over  the 
question  uv  the  succession  to  Wade.  My  voice  is 
for  Vallandygum.  Never  wuz  there  sich  a  saint, 


298  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

never  wuz  ther  a  man  so  abused  by  the  tyranikel 
minions  of  irresponsible  power.  He  hez  suffered 
for  us,  and  now  he  must  hev  his  reward.  It  hez 
bin  urged  that  the  ten  cent  colleckshun  in  1863 
was  sufnshent  pay  for  his  marterdom.  I  deny  it. 
I  know  all  about  it.  He  got  nothin  uv  it.  Every 
Demekrat  in  Ohio  wrho  hed  taxes  to  pay,  or  who 
wanted  a  new  pare  uv  pants,  or  whose  boots  needed 
half  solin,  took  up  a  colleckshun  for  Vallandygum. 
I  know  that's  so,  for  I  wuz  a  Demekrat  in  Ohio, 
laborin  under  pekooniary  embarasments  in  them 
days  myself.  Let  Vallandygum  hev  the  place  he 
so  well  earned. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 


A  JOLLIFICATION  AT  THE  CORNERS.       299 


xxxv. 

A  Jollification  at  the  Corners,  followed  by  a 
Dream,  ivhicJi  has  some  Reference  to  a  recent 
Political  Event. 

POST  OFFIS,  COXFEDRIT  X  ROADS      \ 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

October  22,  1867.      ) 

WE  held,  last  nite,  our  formal  jollification  at 
the  Corners,  over  the  result  uv  the  Ohio 
and  Pennsylvany  elecshunS.  It  wuz  a  glorious  oc- 
cashen,  and  one  wich  wuz  calkelated  to  cheer  the 
long  deprest  hearts  uv  the  down-trodden  Dimocrisy  ; 
wich  it  did.  The  Church  wuz  gorgusly  illoominatid 
with  candles,  hung  in  festoons  in  the  winders.  Dec- 
kin  Pogram,  in  honor  uv  the  occashun,  loaned  us 
the  yoose  uv  his  two  keroseen  lamps,  —  the  pride  uv 
the  Corners,  —  wich  wuz  arranged  in  a  tabloo  in 
front  uv  the  pulpit,  over  wich  wuz  hung,  in  peeceful 
folds,  the  two  Confedrit  flags  wich  Kernel  McPelter's 
regment  hed  borne  in  honor  over  myriads  uv  ded 


300  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

Yankees.  The  survivin  heroes  uv  the  Lost  Coz  in 
the  visinity  wuz  present,  attired  in  their  soiled  uni 
forms,  and  everythin  about  the  demonstrashen  wuz 
ez  inspiritin  ez  it  wuz  possible  to  make  it.  Short 
and  pertinent  addresses  wuz  made  by  the  offishels 
uv  the  church,  wich  I  wuz  gratified  to  observe  a 
pious  vane  uv  thankfulnis  run  thro  em.  Deekin 
Pogram  shone  with  unwonted  brilliancy  and  on- 
paralleled  devoutnis.  He  blessed  the  Lord  for  the 
mercy  wich  hed  bin  vouchsafed  us.  The  people  uv 
the  North  hed  vindicated  the  Skripters,  and  hed  bin 
weaned  from  their  infidelity.  Now  he  felt  he  cood 
wallop  a  nigger  wunst  more  in  safety,  and  put  his 
foot  onto  the  necks  uv  the  descendants  uv  Ham, 
wich  wuz  ordained  from  the  flood.  He  felt  thank 
ful  for  wat  hed  bin  done  for  us  by  Ohio  and  Penn- 
sylvany,  and  he  hoped  for  ez  much  from  Noo  York. 
Shood  Noo  York  complete  the  work  so  gloriously 
commenst  by  Maine  and  Californy,  and  so  happily 
carried  forrerd  by  Ohio  and  Pennsylvany,  then  he 
shood  say,  "  Now  let  thy  servant  depart  in  peese." 
If  he  shood  survive  the  joy  uv  the  occashun,  he 
wood  to-wunst  recapcher  his  niggers,  —  sich  uv  em 
ez  wuz  still  in  the  land  uv  the  livin,  —  and  redoose 
em  to  their  normal  condishen.  He  wood  hold  em 
by  force,  trustin  in  the  result  uv  the  next  Presiden- 


A  JOLLIFICATION  AT  THE  CORNERS.       301 

shel  elecshun  to  ratify  wat  he  bed  done.  He  shood 
to-wunst  buy  up  wat  he  cood  uv  Confedrit  skrip, 
for,  bless  the  Lord,  he  felt  now  that  the  Lost  Coz 
wazn't  ez  much  lost  ez  he  thot  it  wuz. 

Other  speeches  wuz  made,  and  the  meetin,  in  a 

% 

state  uv  high  hilarity,  adjourned  to  Bascom's,  wher 
we  made  a  nite  uv  it.  I  survived,  probably,  the 
longest  uv  any  uv  the  square  drinkers.  There  wuz 
those  who  held  out  longer  by  resortin  to  sich  on- 
manly  subterfuges  ez  thro  win  their  likker  over  their 
sholders  and  takin  lite  drinks,  but  sich  ain't  for  me. 
It  looks,  ez  it  is,  like  a  throwing  away  uv  the  good 
gifts  uv  nacher  ;  a  sacrificin  the  blessins  uv  life  to  a 
foolish  pride,  —  suthin  I  never  will  do. 

One  by  one  I  saw  em  droop  and  roll  gently  off 
the  benches.  Issaker  Gavitt  first,  McPelter  next, 
Bascom  next,  and  finally  Deekin  Pogram,  like  a 
giant  oak  in  a.  hurricane,  tottered,  rallied,  tottered 
agin,  and  finally  fell ;  and  I,  feelin  that  my  time, 
too,  hed  come,  went  under  likewise.  I  slept,  and 
sleepin,  dreamed. 

Methawt  I  wuz  in  a  vast  bildin,  constructid  in  the 
Orientle  stile  uv  arketectoor,  to-wit:  a  roof,  sup 
ported  by  pillers.  These  pillers  wuz  labelled  with 
the  names  uv  battles  fought  doorin  the  Revolushen 
and  the  last  war  with  Great  Britten,  the  strongest 


302  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

and  newest  bein  ticketed  with  the  battles  fought 
doorin  the  late  onpleasantnis. 

"Wat  strukter  is  this?"  askt  I  uv  the  janiter  uv 
the  institooshn. 

"The  Temple  uv  Liberty!"    ansered  he. 

"Wilt  show  it  me?"    askt  I. 

"With  pleasure,  Sir,"  sed  he.  "The  present 
occupant  uv  the  bildin,  and  he  who  now  hez  con- 
trole  uv  it,  is  in  an  inner  chamber.  Woodst  see 
him?" 

"  I  woodst,"  remarked  I,  and  he  showd  me  in. 

It  wuz  a  pekoolyer  seen.  On  the  carpet  on  the 
floor  was  stretched  the  form  uv  a  Giant,  hyer  in 
stature,  broader  across  the  shoulders,  deeper  in  the 
chest,  and  possessin  more  indicashens  uv  strength 
and  endoorance  than  any  Giant  I  hed  ever  seen. 
His  face  wuz  ruther  young  lookin  and  noble,  though 
onto  it  there  wuz  an  expression  uv  wearinis  and 
sadniss.  He  wuz  fast  asleep,  and  sleepin  ez  a  man 
does  after  a  terrible  expenditoor  uv  physikle  and 
mentle  strength. 

"Who  is  this?"    askt  I  uv  my  guide. 

"  Republikinism  !  "    sed  he. 

"  Ha  !  Wat  is  them  wich  he  holds  so  lovinly  in 
his  arms?"  askt  I. 

"  Them  is  the  treasures  uv  the  Temple,  uv  wich 


A  JOLLIFICATION  AT  THE  CORNERS.       303 

the  okkupant  thereof  is  ex-offisho  guardian.  He  hez 
only  a  part  uv  em  in  his  arms  —  ef  yoo  notis,  ther 
are  ten  uv  em  under  his  heels." 

I  looked  carefully,  and  notist  that  they  wuz  all 
labelled  with  the  names  uv  the  States  —  those  in 
his  arms  wuz  those  uv  the  North,  and  the  ten  under 
his  heels  wuz  them  wich  hed  unfortnitly  failed  in 
their  attempt  to  get  out  uv  the  Temple.  From  the 
heft  uv  his  heel  onto  em,  it  appeared  ez  tho  they 
were  under  a  triflin  restraint.  Kentucky,  Delaware, 
and  Maryland  he  hed  tightly  gripped  between  his 
thumb  and  finger. 

"Why  sleeps  he?"    askd  I. 

"Exhaustion,"  sed  he.  "  Sich  a  fite  ez  he  hez 
hed  to  retane  possession  uv  this  place  !  Four  long 
yeers  hev  opposin  powers  attempted  by  open  hostil 
ities  to  dispossess  him,  doorin  wich  he  wuz  assaled 
at  every  pint,  and  for  three  years  hez  politikle  fite 
been  made  onto  him,  doorin  wich  he  hez  bin  be 
trayed  by  them  he  sposed  wuz  his  chosen  and 
trusted  frends.  Last  year  he  hed  a  terrible  conflict 
with  em  and  wuz  victorious,  but  the  strain  wuz  too 
heavy  onto  him,  and  he's  bin  asleep,  ever  sence, 
recooperatin.  Besides,  some  uv  his  attendin  physi 
cians,  in  whom  he  hed  confidence,  proved  to  be 
quacks,  and  they  dosed  him  with  restoratives,  wich, 


304  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

however  good  they  mite  be,  wuzn't  percisely  the 
remedy  for  the  time,  and  they  increesed  the  stupor 
under  wich  he  wuz  laborin.  Besides,  he  wuz  at- 
tackt  with  sore  head,  and  in  adishen  to  all  this  there 
wuz  barnacles,  and  vampires,  and  blood-suckers  uv 
all  kinds,  wich  further  weakened  him.  Listen,  how 
hard  he  breathes  !  " 

And  he  wuz  a  breathin  hard. 

At  this  percise  minit  methawt  the  guide  disap 
peared,  and  there  wuz  a  agitashen  uv  the  curtins 
uv  the  chamber.  Slowly  they  lifted,  and  to  my 
surprise  I  saw  feachers  wich  I  recognized.  Val- 
landygum  peered  in,  and  seein  that  the  Giant  wuz 
still  asleep,  come  in  on  tip-toe,  beckonin  others  to 
follow.  They  come.  There  wuz  Thurman,  uv 
Ohio ;  Voorhees,  uv  Injiany ;  Florence,  Shars- 
wood,  and  Jerry  Black,  uv  Pennsylvany ;  Seward, 
Fernandy  Wood,  and  Morrissey,  uv  Noo  York ; 
and  Johnson,  Pierce,  Bookanan,  and  the  whole 
glorious  company  of  matters.  Cautiously  they  krept 
in,  and  timidly  ranged  themselves  about  the  sleepin 
Giant,  and  communed  among  themselves. 

"  That  wuz  too  heavy  a  load  for  him  to  carry  at 
his  age,"  chuckled  Ben  Wood,  pintin  to  an  im 
mense  burden  strapped  to  his  sholders,  on  wich 
was  written  "  Equality  before  the  Law." 


A  JOLLIFICATION  AT  THE  CORNERS.       305 

"Yes,"  sed  Johnson,  "  but  he  wood  hev  got  throo 
with  it,  but  I  tripped  him  !  " 

"  It  wuz  I  who  put  the  stone  down  over  wich  he 
mostly  stumbled,"  sed  Seward  in  a  whisper. 

"  To  biznis  ! "  sed  Vallandygum.  "  Let  us  git 
wat  we  kin  afore  he  awakens ; "  and  he  and  Thur- 
man  slily  fingered  away  Ohio,  doin  it  without  dis- 
turbin  him  much.  He  did  groan  slitely,  and  moved 
uneasily.  Sharswood  and  Jerry  Black  very  adroitly 
slipped  Pennsylvania  out  from  under  his  arm,  and 
agin  he  started  up  restlessly,  but  sunk  back  into  his 
slumber  agin. 

Emboldened  by  this,  Fernando  Wood  and  Sey 
mour  attempted  to  steal  away  Noo  York,  wich  wuz 
the  piller  onto  wich  his  head  restid  ;  and  while  they 
wuz  manoqverin  it,  he  made  a  terrible  noise,  ez  ef 
he  wuz  in  agony. 

"It's  the  death  rattle  in  his  throat!"  piped  the 
ten  Staits  under  his  heels,  strivin  to  release  their- 
selves. 

"  It's  the  death  rattle  in  his  throat !  "  shreeked  they 
all,  throwin  off  all  stealth,  and  each  grabbin  a  Stait. 

In  an  instant  the  scene  changed.  They  hed  over 
did  it.  The  Giant  awoke,  and  springin  to  his  feet, 
glared  fiercely  onto  em. 

"  The  death  rattle,  is  it ! "  sed  he,  in  a  voice  nv 


306  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

thunder,  •"  Ha !  ha !  you  mistake  the  snorin  uv  a 
hard-sleepin.  Giant  for  the  death  rattle  !  What  hev 
I  done?  Sleepin  so  long,  and  knowin  all  the  time 
that  assassins  lurked  around  me  I  "  Shakin  the  bar 
nacles  off,  he  laid  about  him  lively.  He  pitched 
Fernandy  and  Seymour  out  head  over  heels,  —  one 
sweep  uv  his  right  arm  disposed  uv  Pierce,  Boo- 
kannan,  and  that  pack,  and  then,  missin  Ohio  and 
Pennsylvany,  he  observed  Vallandygum  and  Shars- 
\vood  makin  off  with  them.  Utterin  a  howl  uv 
rage,  he  sprang  after  em.  Two  leeps  sufficed,  and 
he  wrenched  the  States  from  their  grasp,  but  not, 
however,  ontil  Vallandygum  had  bit  a  thunderin 
slice  out  uv  Ohio,  and  Sharswood  one  nearly  ez 
large  out  uv  Pennsylvany, 

At  this  pint  I  awoke.  The  mornin  sun  wuz  a 
sendin  her  brilliant  beams  thro  the  winders  uv 
Bascom's.  Around  me  lay  the  prostrate  forms  uv 
Deekin  Pogram,  Bascom,  Captain  McPelter,  Issaker 
Gavitt,  and  the  others  who  hed  bin  with  me  the  nite 
afore.  They  wuz  a  sleepiu  and  a  snorin  ez  peacefly 
ez  men  ever  did.  The  doors  hed  bin  left  open,  and 
the  villagers  —  the  early  birds  who  are  alluz  around 
ketch  in  the  worm  —  hed  collected  at  the  door.  They 
did  not  voucher  in,  not  knowin  how  sound  asleep 
we  wuz,  ontil  —  ez  one  uv  em  told  me  afterward  — 


A  JOLLIFICATION  AT  THE  CORNERS.       307 

he  bed  seen  a  hog  belongin  to  Bascom  walk  in  the 
open  door  and  root  about  among  us,  gruntin  ap- 
provinly,  ez  tho  it  reminded  him  uv  his  childhood's 
day,  wich  indeed  it  did,  ez  he  bed  alluz  bin  fed  at  a 
distillery ;  and  then,  satisfied  that  we  wuz  troolv 
asleep,  they  walked  in  and  helped  themselves  to 
refreshments  at  the  bar.  Turnin  them  out  quietly, 
with  a  stingin  rebook  for  their  dishonesty  in  takin 
advantage  uv  one  helpless  ez  Bascom  wuz,  I  emp 
tied  the  contents  uv  his  drawer,  and  seekoorin  it  in 
my  boot,  lay  down  ez  tho  I  wuz  asleep,  till  they 
shood  awake.  In  an  hour  he  awoke,  and  diskivered 
that  he  bed  bin  gone  thro. 

"Who  cood  hev  done  it?"  sed  he. 

"My  dear  friend,"  sed  I,  "  yoo  wuz  injudishus 
enuff  to  leave  your  door  open.  See  ther !  "  and  I 
pinted  to  the  villagers  a  reelin  thro  the  street. 
"  They're  virtuous,  but  yoo  put  ther  integrity  to  a 
test  wich  it  coodent  stand.  Ther  wuz  too  much 
pressure  to  the  square  inch  on  ther  conshences,  and 
they  collapst.  Let  it  be  a  warnin  to  yoo.  I  don't 
know  that  /  cood  hev  resisted  it,  lied  I  awakened 
first."  And  I  awakened  the  Deekin,  and  helped 
him  home,  stayin  with  him,  uv  course,  to  breakfast. 
PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 


308  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


xxxvi. 

A  Meeting  at  the  Corners  to  take  into  Considera 
tion  the  best  and  most  feasible  Methods  of 
preserving  to  the  Democracy  the  States  they 
iv on  this  Fall. 

POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 

(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
October  30,  1867. 

IWUZ  a  sittin  in  the  Post  Offis,  day  before  yes 
terday,  a  cogitatin  over  the  glorious  results  uv 
the  Ohio  and  Pennsylvany  elections,  and  hopin  for 
an  ekally  good  report  from  Noo  York,  thinkin  the 
while  that  perhaps  ef  my  hopes  wuz  realized,  and 
sich  a  Constooshnel  Dimokrat  ez  Pendleton  or  Sey 
mour  shood  be  elected,  I  mite,  in  considerashtm  uv 
my  long,  and  I  bleeve  valuable  services,  aspire  to 
suthin  higher,  and  better,  and  more  profitable  than 
a  Post  Offis,  sich  ez  I  am  at  present  holdin.  I  do 
not  complain,  for  the  posishen  hez  bin  the  means 
uv  establishin  a  credit  upon  wich  I  hev  lived  thus 
far  comfortable ;  but  yet  I  shood  prefer  a  place 


A  MEETING  AT  THE  CORNERS.  309 

where  the  salary  wood  be  suffishent  to  give  me 
enuff  so  that  I  cood  lay  up  suthin  for  old  age. 
The  time  is  not  far  off  when  my  individooel  exer 
tions  will  not  supply  my  wants. 

I  felt  good  over  the  victory,  and  it  seemed  to  me 
ez  tho  we  ought  to  speak,  ez  Kentuckians,  to  our 
brethren  North,  instructin  uv  em  how  to  hold  the 
Staits  wich  they  hev  won  for  us.  When  I  deside 
upon  a  pint  I  alluz  act,  and  so  it  wuz  this  time. 

I  give  notis,  by  Issaker  Gavitt,  that  the  Corners 
wood  assemble  at  the  tootin  uv  the  horn,  for  the 
purpose  uv  sendin  forth  the  voice  uv  Kentucky  to 
the  Staits  North.  The  evenin  come,  the  horn  wuz 
tooted  from  the  steps  uv  the  church,  and  the  entire 
Corners  wuz  there.  Deekin  Pogram  wuz  in  his 
regler  seat ;  Issaker  Gavitt  wuz  in  his  sainted  father's 
place,  wich  hez  gone  hentz.  Kernel  McPelter  wuz 
there,  and  also  the  others  who  make  up  the  male 
population  uv  the  Corners,  and  their  wives.  It  wuz 
a  glorious  meetin,  and  I  wuz  a  rubbin  my  hands 
and  feelin  good  at  the  prospeck  uv  an  improvin 
occashun,  when,  to  my  utter  disgust,  I  saw  the  door 
open,  and  Joe  Bigler,  who  wuz  born  to  be  my  pest, 
come  in,  with  Pollock,  and  twenty  or  twenty-five 
niggers,  old  and  young,  male  and  female,  white, 
yaller,  and  black,  and  all  uv  em  took  seats  together 


310  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

in  the  corner  uv  the  church.  I  knowd  by  the  meek 
look  uv  the  niggers,  and  the  eggstreem  quietood  uv 
Bigler  hisself,  that  suthin  wuz  up,  wich  would  uv 
course  develop  itself.  Bigler  and  Pollock  generally 
develop. 

I  opened  the  meetin  by  remarkin  that  the  times 
wore  an  auspishus  look.  The  power  uv  the  nigger 
in  Amerikin  politics  hed  bin  demonstrated.  The 
nigger  hed  bin  so  manipulated  in  Ohio  and  Penn- 
sylvany  ez  to  give  us  these  States,  which  we  cood 
hold  ef  we  choose.  But  the  Dimocrisy  uv  Ohio 
and  Pennsylvany  hed  a  work  to  do,  wich  they  can 
not  neglect  with  safety.  They  had  declared  the 
nigger  inferior  to  the  Caucashen,  wich  he  undenia 
bly  is,  and  they  must  keep  him  so.  The  nigger 
must  be  kept  jist  eggsackly  wher  he  is,  to  serve  ez 
a  irritant  to  Dimocrisy.  Ohio  gives  the  niggers  uv 
that  State  certain  facilities  for  learnin  to  reed  and 
write  ;  accomplishments  wich  no  laborin  class  wich 
is  to  be  guided,  controlled,  and  worked  excloosively 
by  a  sooperior  class,  needs  or  hez  any  biznis  with. 
So  soon  ez  a  man  begins  to  reed  he  begins  to  hev 
an  inquirin  mind,  and  begins  to  feel  a  dissatisfaction 
with  his  speer.  Let  Ohio  repeel  these  laws  to- 
wunst,  that  the  niggers  may  not  —  " 

"  Reverse  the  arrangement,"  sed  Joe  Bigler,  risin, 


A  MEETING  AT  THE  CORNERS.  311 

"  and  git  to  be  the  sooperior  uv  the  white.  Is  that 
it,  Perfesser?" 

44  Not  eggsackly  that,"  returned  I,  not  knowin 
wat  he  wuz  drivin  at,  u  but  ez  Hevin  ordained  the 
niggers  to  be  inferior  to  us,  and  serve  us,  it  looks 
rather  dangerous  to  —  " 

"Give  him  a  chance  to  rise?  That's  what  yoor 
gettin  at,  I  see.  I  am,  and  always  wuz  a  Dimocrat, 
ez  yoo  know ;  but  I  don't  shudder  from  that  cause 
—  not  any.  I  hev  faith  in  the  Lord,  wich  yoo  ap 
pear  to  lack,  wich  is  strange,  considerin  yoor  pro- 
feshun.  Ef  my  colored  friends  here  wuz  ordained 
by  the  Almighty  to  alluz  okkepy  an  inferior  position 
to  us,  why,  they'll  do  it  anyhow,  onless,  indeed,  we 
degrade  ourselves  below  ther  level.  Ef  I  under 
stand  yoor  idea,  it  is  that  the  proud  Caucashen  is 
the  only  favored  race,  wich  fixes  its  own  posishen 
itself,  and  that  all  the  other  races  hed  places  as 
signed  them,  wich  Godalmity  hevin  fixed,  they  can't 
pass.  That  bein  the  case,  wat's  the  yoose,  Perfesser, 
uv  our  foolin  away  our  time  a  tryin  to  strengthen 
his  laws  by  any  act  uv  ours?  Ef  the  Almighty 
fixed  it  so,  kin  we  do  it  any  better  than  he  ?  " 

"  But  spos'n  the  nigger,  ef  we  don't  keep  him 
down  by  law,  shood  rise  above  us?" 

"  I  shood  unanimously  conclood  that  ther  hed  bin 


312  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

a  mistake  in  the  riggers,  and  that  we  wuz,  after  all, 
the  sons  uv  Ham  and  they  the  sons  uv  Japheth. 
How  wood  yoo  like  that?  But  that  ain't  wat  ails 
us.  There,  Perfesser,  ain't  where  our  danger  is. 
Dimocrisy,  like  a  man  with  a  tape-worm,  carries  the 
elements  uv  its  own  destruckshen.  Missegenashun 
is  wat's  sappin  the  foundashuns  uv  the  party.  — 
Agreein  with  yoo  that  the  nigger's  place  is  fixed, 
and  that  the  Dimocrisy  coodent  git  along  a  minit 
without  the  nigger,  I  here  utter  my  solemn  warn 
ing  agin  the  continyooal  lessenin  uv  the  race,  becoz 
that  race  is  our  rock,  and  onto  that  we  stand. 
Wat  sense  is  there  in  wastin  our  capital,  or  ruther 
dilutin  it?" 

"  Wat  do  yoo  mean?"  askt  I,  not  gettin  at  the 
drift  uv  wat  he  wuz  drivin  at. 

"  Mean  !  My  meanin  is  plain.  The  blacker  the 
nigger  is,  the  further  he  is  below  us ;  the  whiter  he 
is,  the  nearer  our  ekal  he  is.  In  this  calculashun  we 
don't  take  intelligence,  or  virchoo,  or  anything  of  the 
kind  into  account,  but  perceed  upon  the  hypothesis 
that  a  devilish  mean  white  man  is  considerable  better 
than  a  smart  and  honest  nigger.  Therefore,  any 
drop  uv  white  blood  in  a  nigger's  veins  makes  him 
just  one  drop  less  objectionable.  Look  at  the  speci 
mens  wich  I  hev  brought  with  me  to  illustrate  my 
pint.  The  light-colored  niggers  will  rise." 


A  MEETING  AT  THE  CORNERS.  313 

And  every  cussed  one  uv  em  got  up,  ez  ef  by 
majic,  and  I  saw  to-wunst  wat  he  wuz  goin  for. 

"  Yoo  see,  Perfesser,  I  hev  here  twenty-two  spiled 
niggers.  Every  one  uv  them  ought  to  hev  bin  the 
son  or  daughter  uv  two  pure  niggers,  but  they  ain't. 
This  one's  mother,  for  instance,"  and  he  laid  his 
hand  upon  the  shoulder  uv  a  likely  quadroon  uv 
eighteen  years,  "wuz  wunst  the  property  uv  Dee- 
kin  Pogram,  wich  circumstance  accounts  for  her 
hevin  the  Pogram  nose  and  general  cast  uv  counte 
nance  to  an  alarmin  degree,  and  —  " 

Ther  wuz  a  piercin  shreek  heard,  and  Mrs.  Po 
gram  was  carried  out  faintin,  and  the  Deekin  turned 
ez  red  ez  a  lobster,  while  Bigler,  ez  solemn  ez  a 
judge,  went  on  :  — 

"  This  girl  wuz  wunst  the  property  uv  Deekin 
McGrath,  who  is,  I  notis,  here  to-nite.  Melissy, 
stand  up,"  sed  he,  and  a  likely  mulatto  woman  ariz. 
"  You  will  notis,"  sed  he,  "  that  Melissy  is  rather 
dark,  while  her  girl,  wich  yoo  see  afore  yoo,  is  quite 
a  half  lighter.  The  race  bleached  out  considerable 
on  Deekin  McGrath's  place.  I  hev,  in  my  recollec 
tion,  ten  or  fifteen  more,  uv  various  shades,  who  hev 
the  McGrath  face,  but  —  " 

Mrs.  Deekin  McGrath,  utterin  a  shreek  uv  rage, 
swung  out  of  the  church,  while  the  Deekin  to- 


314  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

wunst  assoomed   the  color  uv  his  fellow  Deekin, 
Pogram. 

"  I  mite  go  on  ;  but  wherefore?  Yoo  all  see  the 
pint.  I  kin  show  yoo,  in  this  colleckshun,  wich  I 
hev  picked  up,  the  pecoolyer  feachers  uv  the  Din- 
geses,  the  McPelters,  the  Bascoms,  and  every  family 
around  these  parts,  —  that  is,  the  feechers  uv  the 
male  members  uv  em.  But  sence  the  emancipashun 
I  hev  notist  that  this  thing  hez  come  to  a  sudden 
endin.  I  hev  notist  that  sence  the  niggers  hev 
owned  theirselves,  there  ain't  no  more  uv  this  mix- 
ter.  Yoo  purpose,  I  suppose,  agin  redoosin  uv  em 
to  their  normal  condishun,  and  makin  uv  em  men- 
servants  and  maid-servants.  Ef  this  is  done,  let  me 
entreet  yoo,  brethren,  to  stop  the  bleachin  process. 
Ef  yoo  hev  any  regard  for  the  Dimocrisy,  don't  tol 
erate  it  no  more.  The  moment  a  half-white  nigger 
is  born,  yoo  can't  enslave  only  half  uv  him ;  for 
only  half  comes  under  the  cuss,  and  only  half  under 
the  laws  agin  niggers.  That  one  half  keeps  down 
to  the  Ham  level,  but  tother  half  sores  to  the  Japhet 
place  in  nacher.  Yoo  can't  whale  a  mulatto  with 
only  half  the  intensity  yoo  kin  a  clear-blooded  nig 
ger  ;  and  when  they  keep  bleachin  out,  and  out,  and 
out,  ontil  they  are  almost  white,  what  then?  When 
a  nigger  is  nine  tenths  Pogram,  and  only  one  tenth 


A  MEETING  AT  THE  CORNERS.  315 

nigger,  what  then?  Kin  the  Deekin  be  so  deaf  to 
the  voice  uv  nacher  —  so  bare  uv  impulse  ez  to 
oppress  so  much  Pogram  for  the  sake  uv  gettin  his 
foot  on  so  little  nigger?  I  can't  beleeve  it.  Be 
sides,  when  it's  all  run  out  —  when  the  nigger  don't 
show  at  all  —  then  wat  is  to  prevent  em  from  walk  in 
oft'  alone,  and  settin  up  in  biznis  for  themselves  ez 
wMte  men  ?  What  will  become  uv  the  Dimocrasy 
then  ?  " 

All  this  time  the  niggers  wuz  titterin,  and  the 
white  women  wuz  gaspin  for  breath,  and  the  men 
wuz  turnin  red  and  white  by  turns.  I  arose  to 
rebuke  him,  when  Bigler  remarkt  that  he  guest 
enuff  hed  bin  sed,  and  that  probably  the  meeting 
hed  better  be  adjourned.  And  the  audacious  cuss 
give  us  two  minutes  and  a  half  to  get  out  uv  the 
buildin. 

I  wood  give  my  next  quarter's  salary  e'f  the  yel 
low  fever  wood  come  to  the  Corners,  pervided  I 
cood  be  ashoored  that  Bigler  and  Pollock  wood  be 
victims. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 


316  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 


XXXVII. 


The     November   Elections.  —  How     the    Result 
affected  the  Faithful  in  Kentucky. 


POST  OFFIS,  CONFEDRIT  X  ROADS 
(Wich  is  in  thfe  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
November  10, 


ROADS  1 
mtucky),  > 
),  1867.  J 


THE  Corners  wuz  prostrated  with  joy  last  nite 
at  the  receet  uv  the  news  uv  the  November 
elecshuns.  Ther  wuz  nothin  demonstrative  about 
our  joy  ez  there  hed  bin  on  occasions  uv  less  interest. 
No  !  the  result  wuz  too  great,  too  overwhelminly 
great !  Our  nachers  wuz  filled  with  joy,  and  it 
bubbled  up  to  the  eyes,  and  slopt  over  in  floods  uv 
teers.  Deekin  Pogram's  dawter  Mirandy  borrered  a 
tamborine,  wich  wood  answer  for  a  timbrel,  and 
attempted  to  dance  down  the  street,  after  the  fashion 
uv  Miriam,  singin,  "  Shout  the  glad  tidens,"  et 
settry,  but  we  rebookt  her.  Sich  exultashen  seemed 
to  us  inadekate.  The  Deekin  met  me,  and  fallin 
onto  my  neck,  wept  perfoosely  down  my  back,  wich 
I  stood  ez  long  ez  I  cood  bear  the  moistyer.  Gently 


THE  NOVEMBER  ELECTIONS.  317 

disengagin  him,  I  led  him  to  Basom's,  fearin  that  so 
great  a  waste  uv  flooids  wood  cut  short  the  old 
saint's  life,  unless  that  waste  cood  be  repaired.  We 
supplied  the  deficiency  to-wunst.  Never  saw  I  sich 
a  picter.  The  blessid  old  man  sittin  onto  a  bench, 
a  glass  uv  hot  whiskey  in  his  hand ;  his  white  hair 
a  fallin  scantily  about  his  temples,  and  tears  a  run 
ning  in  rapid  succession  adown  his  frost-bitten  nose, 
and,  glitterin  a  moment  on  the  tip,  droppin,  like 
strings  uv  pearls,  into  the  space  below !  It  wuz 
tetchin ! 

The  citizens  met  that  evening,  not  to  rejoice,  but 
to  adopt  sich  measures  for  turning  the  victry  to 
account  ez  the  occasion  seemed  to  demand.  The 
Deekin  wuz  there,  and  I  beleeve  every  white  male 
citizen  uv  the  Corners  wuz  in  his  seet  afore  the  glad 
peals  uv  the  bell  lied  ceased  pealin.  I  assoomed  the 
chair,  and  in  a  few  joodishus  remarks  stated  the  ob- 
jeck  uv  the  meetin.  Noo  York,  I  remarkt,  hed 
spoken,  and  Noo  Gersey,  the  blessed  State  uv  which 
I  hed  the  honor  to  be  a  native,  hed  returned  to  her 
fust  love.  I  wuz  not  now  ashamed  to  own  that  I 
wuz  a  native  of  Noo  Gersey.  I  am  proud  uv  it, 
and  were  it  not  for  the  fact  that  I  owe  neerly  half 
uv  her  citizens,  in  sums  rangin  from  a  half  dollar 
up  to  eighteen,  I  wood  return  there  to-wunst.  But 


318  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

I  won't.  It  wood  awaken  expectations  in  their 
buzzums  wich  wood  never  be  fulfilled,  and  I'm  too 
tender-hearted,  too  considrit  uv  the  feelins  uv  others, 
to  lasserate  them  feelins.  I  can't  properly  express 
my  emoshuns.  Thank  Heaven  the  nigger  is  ourn. 
The  Northern  States  have  spoken,  and  in  thunder 
tones.  The  Ethiopian  wunst  wuz  on  the  top  wave, 
but  wher  is  he  now?  Two  years  ago  he  wuz 
needed  —  but  now  wher  is  he?  The  Ablishnists 
don't  need  him  no  more  to  fill  up  ther  quotas,  they 
don't  need  him  no  more  to  take  ther  places  in 
the  next  draft,  and  thank  the  Lord  he's  the  same 
d — d  nigger  he  alluz  wuz  !  The  stink  uv  the  nigger 
hez  overcome  ther  gratitood  to  him  —  ther  good 
feelin  hez  bin  swamped  by  ther  prejoodis.  The 
Dimocrasy  uv  the  two  sections  uv  the  Yoonion  hez 
rusht  into  each  other's  arms,  the  nigger  wuz  between 
em,  and  consekently  is  under  our  feet.  What  hap- 
pinis  for  Kentucky !  The  nigger  can't  go  North 
with  the  elecshen  returns  starin  him  in  the  face,  and 
ef  he  stays  here  he  must  stay  on  our  terms.  Thank 
the  Lord. 

Deekin  Pogram  sed  that  he  hednt  felt  so  good 
sence  his  first  wife  died.  He  felt  too  good  to  speek, 
and  the  brethren  wood  excuse  him  ef  his  remarks 
shood  be  breef.  (We  will !  We  will !  with  great 


THE  NOVEMBER  ELECTIONS.  319 

yoonanimity.)  Four  weeks  ago,  when  he  heerd 
from  Ohio  and  Pennsylvany  he  hed  to-wunst  drawd 
up  a  skedule  uv  the  loss  that  hed  bin  inflicted  onto 
him  by  the  tyranical  edict  uv  the  Illinoy  Goriller,  a 
copy  uv  wich  he  wood  reed  :  — 

rOONITED  STATES  UV  AMERIKT, 

In  Account  tuith  Gabrel  Pogram,  Dr. 

To  i  nigger,  Sam,         26  years  old $1,500  oo 

i        "         Pompey,  30  1,300  oo 

i        "         Scip,          30  "          1,400  oo 

i        "         Peter,        40          "  1,000  oo 

To  one  lot  misselaneous  niggers,  22  in  number, 
mostly  crippled,  and  not  uv  much  akkount, 
hevin  bin  flogd  and  chawd  by  dorgs,  and  in- 
joored  by  being  knockt  about  the  head  and 
back,  a  dissiplinin  uv  'em,  at,  say,  $500  each,  11,000  oo 

To  one  nigger  gal,  Jane,  18  years  old,  nearly 
white,  with  bloo  eyes  and  curly  hair,  for  wich 
I  hed  bin  offered  $2,500  to  go  to  Noo  Orleans,  2,500  oo 

To  other  wenches,  uv  all  shades  and  ages,  12  in 

number,  averagin,  say,  $500, 6,000  oo 

$23,700  oo 

This  bill  he  hed  determined  to  put  in,  becoz  uv 
this  property  he  hed  bin  robbed.  Last  nite  he  heerd 
uv  the  result  uv  the  Noo  York  and  Noo  Jersey  elec- 
shuns,  and  he  felt  that  more  yit  wuz  due  him  from 
the  unconstoosbnel  government  under  wich  we  are 
forst  to  live.  He  wanted  pay,  not  only  for  his 
twenty-four  thousand  dollars'  worth  of  nigger,  but 


320  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

legle  interest  on  the  amount,  from  Emancipashen  to 
date,  incloodin  wat  he  paid  to  hev  the  calculation 
made,  and  the  interest  figgered  onto  it,  and  he 
wanted  it  in  gold,  ez  he  considered  greenbax  jist 
ez  unconstooshnel  ez  emancipashen. 

Issaker  Gavitt  remarkt,  that  on  behalf  uv  his 
father's  estate  he  hed  a  claim  on  the  oppressors. 
He  hed  made  out  no  bill  ez  yit,  ez  the  nigger  wich 
alluz  did  the  figgerin  for  his  father  hed  got  to  be 
impudent,  and  wooden't  do  it  no  more.  But  he 
shood  get  somebody  who  cood  write  to  copy  the 
Deekin's  bill,  wich  wood  answer,  ez  the  two  farms 
workt  about  the  same  number  uv  hands,  tho  uv 
fancy  stock  his  father  hed  alluz  kept  the  most,  wich 
accountid  for  his  bein  more  bald-headed  than  the 
Deekin. 

Kernel  McPelter  wantid  no  pay.  He  wantid  his 
niggers.  To  accept  pay  wood  be  to  acknollege  the 
right  uv  a  Illinoy  goriller  to  releese  em,  wich  he 
wood  never  do.  He  hed  one  —  he  saw  her  to-day  — 
wich  he  wood  hev  back  agin.  Her  and  her  hus 
band,  wich  hed  bin  married  sence  they  wuz  torn 
from  him,  hed  purchist  ten  akers  uv  ground  up 
toards  Garrettstown,  and  wuz  a  livin  onto  it.  Uv 
course,  ez  the  emancipashun  was  illegal,  the  produx 
uv  their  labor  sence  that  time  wuz  hizzen,  jest  the 


THE  NOVEMBER  ELECTIONS.  321 

same  ez  though  they  remained  in  their  normal  con 
dishen.  The  ten  akers  woodent  make  him  good, 
but  they  hed  two  children  born  to  em  sence, 
wich,  ef  niggers-  brot  any  price,  wood  do  suthin 
toards  it. 

Bascom  perferred  to  hev  Government  pay  ther 
valyoo,  and  let  em  stay  free.  He  had  arrived  at 
this  conclushun  after  givin  the  subjeck  matoor  con- 
siderashen.  They  all  hed  some  property  now  — 
leastways  they  could  all  do  wat  they  pleased  with 
their  money.  Troo,  the  heft  uv  the  proceeds  uv 
their  labor  went  to  Pollock  for  dry  goods,  and  gro 
ceries,  and  sich,  but  he  bleeved  that  they  wuz  a 
imitative  race.  Ef  so,  and  they  followed  the  eggs- 
ample  sot  em  by  their  white  sooperiors,  they  wood, 
in  time,  leave  the  heft  uv  it  at  his  bar.  He  hed  a 
few  uv  em  under  trainin  now,  and  he  notist  that 
they  wuz  better  customers  than  the  whites,  ez  they 
didn't  swaller  their  rashens  and  tell  him  to  "jist 
chalk  it  down." 

A  sense  uv  the  meetin  wuz.  then  taken,  and  a 
majority  voted  to  fust  try  to  redoose  them  to  their 
normal  condishen,  and  ef  that  wuz  decided  to  be 
impracticable,  then  we  cood,  with  still  better  grace, 
demand  their  valyoo  uv  the  Goverment. 

"Yes,"    exclaimed   Kernel   McPelter,    "and   for 
21 


322  EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

this  great  work  ther  is  no  better  time  than  now. 
1  The  Yoonyun  ez  it  wuz  ! '  Foller  me  !  " 

And  forthwith  the  entire  congregashun  piled  out, 
rushin  toward  the  nigger  settlement  on  the  Garretts- 
town  road. 

Arrivin  at  the  settlement,  a  consultashen  wuz  held. 
It  wuz  desided  that  I  shood  advance  to  the  doors  uv 
the  houses  and  demand  surrender,  but  I  declined. 
Kernel  McPelter  volunteered,  and  we  all  awaited 
the  result.  He  knocked  at  the  door  uv  the  first 
house. 

uWha'  d'ye  want?"    exclamed  a  voice. 

"  I  want  yoo  !  "    said  the  Kernel. 

"Wa'  foah?" 

"  My  friend,"  sed  the  Kernel,  impressively,  "  ef  I 
recognize  yoor  dulcet  tone,  yoor  my  nigger.  Four 
years, ago  yoo  wuz  set  free,  you  sposed,  by  Linkin  ; 
but  we've  done  away  with  that.  Come  forth,  and 
give  yoorself  up ;  you  shel,  ef  yoo  go  peaceably, 
hev  yoor  old  quarters  agin,  and  be  treated  ez  uv 
old." 

"  Go  way,  white  man,  and  stop  yoor  foolin.  Dis 
nigga  's  in  bed  !  " 

"  Break  down  the  doors ! "  yelled  the  Deekin, 
"  and  hev  done  with  it !  "  and  a  rush  wuz  made. 

The  doors  wuz  broke  down,  and  in  a  minit  the 


THE  NOVEMBER  ELECTIONS.  323 

nigger  and  his  wife,  and  two  children,  wuz  out  in 
the  street,  bound,  and  the  Kernel  hed  the  furnitoor 
packt,  ready  to  take  to  his  own  house.  In  the  mean 
time  assaults  hed  bin  made  on  two  other  houses,  with 
ruther  different  results.  Deekin  Pogram  led  one  on 
the  house  uv  a  former  slave  uv  hizzen,  and  wuz 
disabled  by  a  charge  uv  shot  in  his  leg,  and  the 
infooriated  nigger  threw  open  the  winder  and  swore 
that  he'd  empty  tother  barrel  into  the  head  uv  the 
first  man  who  came  within  range.  The  whole  set 
tlement  wuz  by  this  time  alarmed,  and  lites  sprang 
up,  and  we  cood  hear  the  click  of  the  cocks  uv 
muskets,  and  the  pilin  up  uv  furnitoor  afore  the 
doors.  It  wuz  desided  that  the  attempt  to  re-enslave 
em  be  given  over  for  that  nite,  and  carryin  the  Dee- 
kin,  who  wuz  weak  from  loss  uv  blood,  we  made 
our  way  to  the  Corners  agin. 

The  result  demonstrated  to  me  the  impossibility 
uv  the  two  races  livin  together  in  harmony.  There 
is  a  natral  antagonism  between  em  wich  must  result 
inevitably  in  a  war  uv  races,  onless  the  status  uv  the 
two  races  is  fixed  by  onalterable  law.  It  can't  be 
denied  that,  so  long  ez  they  are  among  us,  so  long 
shel  we  be  tempted  to  subdoo  em,  and  so  long  will 
sich  sole-harrowin  scenes  ez  that  uv  last  nite  result. 
Ez  I  heer  the  groans  uv  that  prostrated  saint,  Dee- 


324      EKKOES  FROM  KENTUCKY. 

kin  Pogram  (this  is  written  at  his  bedside  in  the 
intervals  uv  feedin  him  likker  with  a  spoon),  I  feel 
ez  tho  I  must  vindicate  my  birth  by  goin  out  and 
killin  a  nigger.  Nothin  but  the  oncertainty  ez  to 
who  wood  be  killed  restrains  me.  Thank  Heaven, 
next  yeer,  when  Seymore  or  Pendleton  is  President, 
and  the  unconstitooshnel  acts  uv  a  Rump  Congress 
is  done  away  with,  all  this  will  be  fixt.  It  is  this 
that  soothes  the  Deekin,  and  enables  him  to  endoor 
his  sufTerins. 

PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  P.  M. 

(Wich  is  Postmaster). 


5      9  ?  5 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below, 
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Tel.  No.  642-3405 

Renewals  may  be  made  4  days  prior  to  date  due. 
Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


>ue  encf  ot  WIN  I  bR  Quarter  .  «f 

subject  to  recall  after  -    rEB  1  U  72     * 

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MAY  1     1975  8  2 


JAN     9197T 


CIS.  JAN  1  0  7T 
MOV  l  9  B79 


LD2lA-50m-2,'71 
(P2001slO)476 — A-32 


General  Library 

University  of  California 

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